paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 What I can think of so far: To get over someone you need to get under someone else. Somehow think of all the bad things about this person and ignore the good points so that you end up hating them, thus creating a false, skewed impression of them in your mind, which while unfair on them, in terms of a personality evaluation, gets you over them. No contact whatsoever until you simply no longer care. Anything else? I need to simply not care any more and am finding it hard.
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I don't think villifying some poor schmuck who obviously didn't know a good thing when it was right in front of him is going to help you fall out of love. I think moving on is about creating a new focus. So, what would be productive and healthy to focus on for you? Your career? A class you've always wanted to take? A trip you've always wanted to plan? Learning to love yourself? It might not be an instantaneous solution or remedy but if that's what you're looking for you will wallow for a long time (and I think we all look for that when we're broken-hearted - like, please, just make this go away.) Think about what you want in a mate. See how the last one fell short. And most of all know that when you find the right guy he's not going to let you go!!
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Also - Start a new exercise or nutrition program. Getting fit, strong, healthy does wonders for the self-esteen.
Author paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 I don't think villifying some poor schmuck who obviously didn't know a good thing when it was right in front of him is going to help you fall out of love. I think moving on is about creating a new focus. So, what would be productive and healthy to focus on for you? Your career? A class you've always wanted to take? A trip you've always wanted to plan? Learning to love yourself? It might not be an instantaneous solution or remedy but if that's what you're looking for you will wallow for a long time (and I think we all look for that when we're broken-hearted - like, please, just make this go away.) Think about what you want in a mate. See how the last one fell short. And most of all know that when you find the right guy he's not going to let you go!! Good advice Loveslife. I guess vilifying someone isn't going to work now that you mention it...how many people are still infatuated by people who treat them like crap? Lots. And yeah, I know there's no instantaneous solution...but was kind of hoping against hope for something nevertheless! just in case.
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 You, when in love, focused your energy and happiness outward, to share it with this person. With that person no longer in your life, those parts of you re-direct inward. It can be a cognitive process, one where eventually, with the happiness and energy properly contained within you, you can reflect upon the past relationship with pleasant thoughts and carry forward to again share yourself with another person. It is the gift of life
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Rebound relationships don't make sense. You never learn anything about yourself and end up swinging from branch to branch for the rest of your life due to personal weakness. Here's what I do: I externalize first (yes, demonize to the max! He grows horns, a tail, carries a pitchfork and has a head that revolves 360 degrees).Then when I'm strong enough, I internalize (what's my responsibility in this?)Then I balance the two, fix what I'm willing to fix within myself and accept what I don't want to fix. As well, I accept that we're incompatible, due to the amended more balanced list of why the relationship died.
kizik Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Rebound relationships don't make sense. You never learn anything about yourself and end up swinging from branch to branch for the rest of your life due to personal weakness. Here's what I do: I externalize first (yes, demonize to the max! He grows horns, a tail, carries a pitchfork and has a head that revolves 360 degrees).Then when I'm strong enough, I internalize (what's my responsibility in this?)Then I balance the two, fix what I'm willing to fix within myself and accept what I don't want to fix. As well, I accept that we're incompatible, due to the amended more balanced list of why the relationship died. Great stuff there by TBF.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Rebound relationships don't make sense. You never learn anything about yourself and end up swinging from branch to branch for the rest of your life due to personal weakness. Here's what I do:I externalize first (yes, demonize to the max! He grows horns, a tail, carries a pitchfork and has a head that revolves 360 degrees).Then when I'm strong enough, I internalize (what's my responsibility in this?)Then I balance the two, fix what I'm willing to fix within myself and accept what I don't want to fix. As well, I accept that we're incompatible, due to the amended more balanced list of why the relationship died. TBF, I don't understand part 2). What if the guy just doesn't like you? How is that your responsibility?
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 TBF, I don't understand part 2). What if the guy just doesn't like you? How is that your responsibility?If it's to do with the unrequited variety of love, don't ask me about that variety since I don't have any experience with it. As for real relationships that end, it's rare that you'll find someone just stop caring. There's always reasons, whether these are actual flaws within you, whether they chose you for superficial reasons or whether it's solely a situation of incompatibility, which is what step 3 will shake out. Thanks kizik.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 You're lucky to have never experienced unrequited. It only really happened to me once, in the beginning of college, and luckily I got over it and only think about him every so often.
You'reasian Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 You're lucky to have never experienced unrequited. It only really happened to me once, in the beginning of college, and luckily I got over it and only think about him every so often. Its ok Isolde, I think about you too from time to time... Ok, just a little light-hearted teasing. I agree with what Carhill said about learning how to focus your love internally rather than externally. It takes a little time for this to shift, but it will happen - you focus on loving yourself and making yourself into a beautiful person and when the time is right, you will find that person, because you are not looking for them - rather they have found you.
Author paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Carhill and Trilbyfire: I think TF is right in terms of what you initially go through - maybe you do need to hate someone in order to get over them, however what you've pointed out here with your 3 step program are the key points of after the demonising, which had not occurred to me, just the demonising bit. But to then, when ready, look inward towards what you may have done or not done, then point 3 which de-demonises the ex, due to the fact that you are probably over them by this point and are able to look at the whole thing in a more objective manner. All well thought out. That is when Carhill's turning the love inward comes in methinks. Hard to love thyself when you feel utterly abandoned and hopeless, for me anyway, being able to do that would have to come later, but it does create a nice little mental picture of love being like some package, that you give to people, they take the gift for a while, then hand it back to you so you can hand it on to someone else. Isolde I think with 'what if the guy doesn't like you? How is that your responsibility' question. Answer is, it's not your responsibility. However one can still reflect. Did you ignore warning signs that he wasn't going to return your affection and so on. I think we can all learn some valuable stuff from being rejected...however, I'm kind of sick of the learning period, it's all a bit traumatic and want the 'ok, I've got it' period to arrive.
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Therapy helps diffuse the demonizing process by directing those negative thoughts in a healthier way towards understanding and accepting each other differences and, if applicable, incompatibilities. The change in emotion is palpable. Of course, a lot of people don't have a year and thousands of dollars to make themselves feel better. Beer and a dartboard might work far better, I don't know
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Different people process things in different ways, which is why I mentioned what works for "me". The demonization is a way to cut the connection/bond. When you're still in love with them, you're just fighting yourself, spinning in circles.
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