Gottabestrong Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Hi guys, it's been over a month since I posted about my ex who I found out went back to his wife. He tried to have an extra-marital affair with me, but I told him I did not want to be the other woman. That was back in March and since then I have run into him a few times, but we have not said more to each other than 'hallo' or 'hey, what's going on'. His wife is a few thousand miles away and from what I gather he is dating someone else now. At least he is always out on weekends and I have heard him talk about 'his Mary'. (Not his wife's or daughter's name.) He has not contacted me once since I told him I only wanted to be friends and nothing more and is probably not even thinking about me. Me on the other hand, I am thinking about him 24/7. I have started dating, not seriously, but with about 3 different guys each week, just to get my mind of him if only for a few hours, and to remember that there are other men out there. But other than having met 2 guys I would like to be friends with, nothing came out of it. I know in my head that he doesn't care about me, that he is probably dating another woman and is counting down the days when he can move back home for good (1 week from now). So why is this so difficult for me? Every part of my brain tells me to forget about him, move on and thank my lucky stars that I asked him about his marriage before I ever slept with him. But he is still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. Anybody been in a similar situation?
2sure Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Every woman who has been a victim, ultimately of herself, has felt like you. Women who consistantly find themselves in abusive relationships, or co-dependent relationships, or with the chronically unemployed, etc. Woman need to understand that men like this need vulnerable women...no one else will have them. They start by asking themselves....why do I love these guys. Why am I attracted to these guy? Why me? Sometimes we have become comfortable with having less than we really want, used to falling short, accepting of more and more faults in our partners... You are attracted to a man that is unavailable emotionally and otherwise to you. For most women this man would be not acceptable, thus unattractive. Expect more from yourself. The rest will follow. Including being attracted to men who expect more from themselves.
Owl Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Affairs are inherently addictive. You're suffering the "withdrawl" from the loss of the affair. Hang in there, maintain NC, and the feelings will fade.
wildsoul Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Forgive me for not clicking thru to your backstory, but if I got it right, it's only been a month. Like Owl said, you're still in the early stages of withdrawal. As long as you stay in NC, you'll make progress. Some days better than others, but on the upswing overall. I ended my 13-mos relationship 11 weeks ago. Like you, I thought of him first thing every morning for a long time. I couldn't help it. Even if I could squash the thoughts later in the day (sometimes) I couldn't help thinking of him upon waking. I just chalk the obsessive thoughts as part of the letting go process. At some point, I'm not sure when, they've lessened. So my advice is try to neither dwell or judge yourself on these thoughts. As long as you don't break NC, you'll keep improving.
sugarmomma Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I am still there sometimes but as I re evaluate the situation I attribute it all to low self worth. I had to look at my beliefs about relationships and found that I really didn't know and believe that I deserved a good healthy loving relationship. Now I know that had I stayed involved with him it would have devastated my sense of self honor, dignity and self respect. You are not alone. I am about 42 days out of that fantasy world he had me almost believing in. I still think about him a lot and that's okay. I thik about all the good lovemaking but then I think about the lies he told her and would have inevitably started telling me. You are doing well because you dodged a huge bullet. Just keep your head up and know that someone will come along. Even if they don't you can say "at least I didn't settle for that shi**y arrangement the MM was trying to put out". You should be out celebrating the fact that you told him to kick dust. You should be proud of yourself. And this too shall pass.
Author Gottabestrong Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Hi everyone, thanks for posting your thoughts and sorry I did not get back to you earlier. My laptop broke down. Anyway, I am really struggling here. I think one of the biggest problems for me is the fact that he doesn't seem to be married. I mean, I know he is, because he told me and I saw pictures of his family, but his family is 1000s of miles away, and so there is no situation of him going home to his family at night, or something like that. I have been really good about it, have not contacted him in any way and really stayed out of his way as much as possible for the last 2 months, but I still think about him all the time, and have to remind myself various times per day why I can't just send him a message and ask him to hang out. Worst of all, we are both moving away from here in a few days. (What a coincidence). He is moving back to his family and I am moving back to Europe which means to me that I will never see him or hear from him ever again. And instead of being happy about it, this thought scares me and I literally have to stop myself 5 times a day from just calling him or sending him a text. I keep thinking that hanging out with him is not going to do any harm, as we used to be lovers, so what harm is a friendly beer between friends gonna cause? Most of the time I tell myself: "No! He is married, stay away from him in any capacity, shape or form!" But at other times I am thinking "You are never going to see him again, what's done is done, why not share one more coffee with him and tell him that you wish him the best and that you are going to miss him?" Now would that really be so wrong?
sugarmomma Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Hi everyone, thanks for posting your thoughts and sorry I did not get back to you earlier. My laptop broke down. Anyway, I am really struggling here. I think one of the biggest problems for me is the fact that he doesn't seem to be married. I mean, I know he is, because he told me and I saw pictures of his family, but his family is 1000s of miles away, and so there is no situation of him going home to his family at night, or something like that. I have been really good about it, have not contacted him in any way and really stayed out of his way as much as possible for the last 2 months, but I still think about him all the time, and have to remind myself various times per day why I can't just send him a message and ask him to hang out. Worst of all, we are both moving away from here in a few days. (What a coincidence). He is moving back to his family and I am moving back to Europe which means to me that I will never see him or hear from him ever again. And instead of being happy about it, this thought scares me and I literally have to stop myself 5 times a day from just calling him or sending him a text. I keep thinking that hanging out with him is not going to do any harm, as we used to be lovers, so what harm is a friendly beer between friends gonna cause? Most of the time I tell myself: "No! He is married, stay away from him in any capacity, shape or form!" But at other times I am thinking "You are never going to see him again, what's done is done, why not share one more coffee with him and tell him that you wish him the best and that you are going to miss him?" Now would that really be so wrong? Sounds like you want "one for the road" or "one last roll in the hay since you won't ever see him again". hhhhhhmmmmm..... In your original post didn't you say that you were NOT lovers? Which one is it?
Author Gottabestrong Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Sounds like you want "one for the road" or "one last roll in the hay since you won't ever see him again". hhhhhhmmmmm..... In your original post didn't you say that you were NOT lovers? Which one is it? Wow, you got a dirty or negative mind. I definitely don't want "a last roll in the hay' as you call it. If I did, I think I could have easily had that in the last few months. And to answer your question: This year we were no lovers. We dated last year for a few months when he told me he had been seperated for a while and was headed for a divorce. This year, when I moved back here we started dating again, but before we got physical I asked him what was up with his marriage, when his divorce was going to be finalized. Which was when he told me that they had decided to put the divorce on ice for a few years 'for the kids" and were actually back together again. Which is when I told him I did not want to be "the other woman" and we could only be friends. This was a very painful time for me, because I had already dated him and had fallen in love with him. Stupid and naive me had assumed he would not try to date me again if he was back with his wife, but I guess I was wrong. What I want, is to see him one more time and get some kind of confirmation that I meant something to him. You know, that he did not just hang out with me because he wanted to have sex or because he was bored, but that he actually cared about me as a human being. Saying this out loud makes me feel so pathetic, which will probably help me stay away from him.
sugarmomma Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I'm not evil, maybe just a little dirty.... It just seems like if you contact him that will give the impression that it will be physical since he knows how you feel about him. He hasn't been in contact and has been respectful of your wishes. Doesn't mean that he didn't care about you.
wildsoul Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 If you DO find out that he really cared for you at a "last meeting," it's just going to make it that much harder to let go. He probably did care for you. Probably still does. But that won't change the futility of it. He's still married. You two are moving far away. Seeing each other again is going to stir up your longing even worse than it is now. Then the withdrawals are gonna' HURT. Your question was, "Is it really wrong?" My answer to that isn't about the morality of it so much as reminding you that an unavailable man is a wrong man. Could be a wrong choice to starting your letting go process all over again, too.
Author Gottabestrong Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 So you think I should continue staying away from him and not let him see how much I care about him and still miss him?
sugarmomma Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 So by contacting him were you planning to inform him of how much you still care for him? if so, I would say just let it go. I'm sure he knows how youfeel about him. Just be sure about your motives for contact.
Author Gottabestrong Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 No, I did not plan on contacting him to tell him that I miss him and care about him. I just thought about having one more coffee with him and saying something like: I wish you all the best, hope you will be really happy and your life turns out the way you want it to. I didn't really think about what I was going to say, I just wanted to see him one more time and talk to him one more time. And to say goodbye. I hate the thought that we will just part ways as if we never knew each other or cared about each other. I am friends with some of my exes, most of which are married with kids, I just wish I could have the same with him. But I guess because we met while he was married, we will never be able to have that. And I hate that. I feel like it downgrades our relationship to something dirty and cheap. While for me it was more than that, I mean, to me he was my boyfriend, he met my friends, my dad, etc. Am I now supposed to forget about all that and feel guilty about the happy times we had together last year? I really wish I had not come back here and found out that he is still married.
wildsoul Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 So you think I should continue staying away from him and not let him see how much I care about him and still miss him? If you're asking my opinion: Yes. Since you cannot be together, it's just going to torture you both. Are you trying to leave the door open for the future? Maybe even subconsciously? That's what it seems like. You really need to ask yourself what your underlying motives are, but my hunch is that him moving away is making you let go more than you already have. And that the part of you that's still addicted to him doesn't want to let go, therefore you're wanting to reinforce the connection. But reinforcing the connection is going to set you back, big time.
wildsoul Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Am I now supposed to forget about all that and feel guilty about the happy times we had together last year? Here's something that has really helped me to let go of my xSM: I put him into the "ex boyfriend box" in my mind. I took him out of my someday/maybe box. I took him out of my today box. He's in the sentimental box with the others where he belongs. Take a look at your user name again: Be strong Gottabestrong!
Author Gottabestrong Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Are you trying to leave the door open for the future? Wow, I think you are totally right. I guess some part of me hopes that maybe, one day, if he will get divorced after all, we can be together. Which is probably a horrible thing for me to hope for.
wildsoul Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Wow, I think you are totally right. I guess some part of me hopes that maybe, one day, if he will get divorced after all, we can be together. Which is probably a horrible thing for me to hope for. Hoping his marriage fails is kinda horrible to wish for someone you profess to care about. But lets keep the focus on YOU. If you keep that door open for him, chances are really HIGH that you're not going to heal as quickly and that you won't be open to someone who's better for you. You see it here ALL the time. People that cannot let go after years. Do you want that for yourself? You've got to move him out before you can let someone else in.
Author Gottabestrong Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Hey Wildsoul, I appreciate all your posts, so thank you very much for your advice. I agree with you, hoping his marriage will fall apart at some point is really horrible of me, so I am feeling guilty and ashamed of that and will probably stop posting about him now. I am feeling like a really yucky person right now, I guess it serves me right that I fell in love with a man who is unavailable.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Hey Wildsoul, I appreciate all your posts, so thank you very much for your advice. I agree with you, hoping his marriage will fall apart at some point is really horrible of me, so I am feeling guilty and ashamed of that and will probably stop posting about him now. I am feeling like a really yucky person right now, I guess it serves me right that I fell in love with a man who is unavailable. Why is it horrible for you to hope his M will fall apart? It's obviously not doing very well if he's stepping out of it. People seem to have this very idealized vision of what M is and that other people should be in awe of it. I guess that is the first rude awakening a BS gets when they realize that not everyone considers their M as important as they do. Hmmm, not even their H. And with an over 50% divorce rate, it's an interesting opinion to hold. Do you love him? Are you happy with what you have?
Author Gottabestrong Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Do you love him? Are you happy with what you have? I am definitely in love with him. Probably love him as well, but I am trying to tell myself I am not. Am I happy with what I got? What would that be, a broken heart and longing for my ex-boyfriend who is trying to repair his marriage? Not really.
wildsoul Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 GEL, her MM went back to his wife, has an OOW, and the OP never wanted to be in affair anyways. It's dead in the water! She's just having a hard time with letting go.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I am definitely in love with him. Probably love him as well, but I am trying to tell myself I am not. Am I happy with what I got? What would that be, a broken heart and longing for my ex-boyfriend who is trying to repair his marriage? Not really. Ok then what's the problem here? You say yourself that you don't need him. So why the pining? Especially all the crap he pulled on you. Pull yourself together. You are a strong woman. You deserve a man who will choose YOU. You just gave yourself the best advice. So take it.
Author Gottabestrong Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Pull yourself together. You are a strong woman. You deserve a man who will choose YOU. You just gave yourself the best advice. So take it. Lol, thanks for the tough love. I know it is the right thing to do. Unfortunately I am not as strong a woman as I would like to be. I tell myself 100 times per day that I deserve someone who wants ME and will treat me well, and that I will never meet someone like that unless I believe that I deserve this. But the other 23 hours of the day I feel small and pathetic and just wish I could hold his hand again or be in his arms. Pathetic I know. Get a grip woman!
sugarmomma Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Lol, thanks for the tough love. I know it is the right thing to do. Unfortunately I am not as strong a woman as I would like to be. I tell myself 100 times per day that I deserve someone who wants ME and will treat me well, and that I will never meet someone like that unless I believe that I deserve this. But the other 23 hours of the day I feel small and pathetic and just wish I could hold his hand again or be in his arms. Pathetic I know. Get a grip woman! Just know that you are not alone. I am about 45 days NC and I still picture him smiling or holding my hand and all that. Its ok to have fond thoughts of someone you cared deeply for. Just go through all the emotions and don't repress them. I miss my guy too. We had a lot of fun and good times. I am moving forward with my life and accept that fact that we can't have a life together. Just hang in there and remember that this too shall pass. You should be proud that you stood up for yourself and refused to settle. You are strong. Claim it and its yours!
Author Gottabestrong Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 I did something really stupid even though I knew I shouldn't and now I feel like dying. I could really use someone to talk to right now, and give me some moral support. Remember that we are both leaving town on Wednesday and I was thinking about contacting him and asking him to meet for a cup of coffee to say goodbye? Well, I didn't, but he did. On Saturday he came up to me and said he was going to a Jazz brunch with friends on Sunday and asked whether I wanted to come along. I was surprised, but also happy that he asked. I figured that nothing bad could happen when meeting with him and friends during the day at a restaurant, so I accepted. We went there and it was really great, the music was great, his friends were funny and we had a really good time. Well, brunch turned into dinner and to make a long story short we were out till 2:00 am in the morning dancing, drinking and having a great time. I did not know why he suddenly asked me out after 2 months of barely acknowledging my existence, but I assumed he wanted to say goodbye or show me that he cared about me still, even though he is back together with his wife and can't wait to move back to his family in 2 days. Well, today I saw him at the pool and I went over and talked to him. I mentioned that I was leaving on Wednesday before he comes back from work and asked him if he wants to meet up Tuesday evening to say goodbye. To which he replied: Why? I answered: What Why? To say goodbye. Don't you want to say goodbye to me? Him: No I was totally shocked and hurt. I mean we are probably never going to see or hear each other again, and he doesn't even want to say goodbye? When I left soon after he said: CU! I asked: What? CU tomorrow or CU in another life? He answered: Probably tomorrow, if not see you in another life. And then he left. Just like that. No hug, no "all the best for the future", nothing. It hurts so much. I did not expect anything for the last 2 months from him, but after yesterday I at least thought he was going to say goodbye properly and give me a hug or something. Now I feel so worthless and unimportant to him. I am feeling so bad right now, wish I had never gone out with him yesterday. I knew he was back with his wife, but I thought we could at least say goodbye as friends and acknowledge that we had something special, real. Now I am wondering if he ever even cared about me. What do you guys make of this and do you have any advice or words of support for me? Also, if I see him tomorrow, what should I say to him? What I want to say is something like: "Goodbye, all the best for you. It was good knowing you. I hope life gives you everything you want of it." Part of me also wants to ask him whether he ever cared about me or if I was just some distraction.
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