3 months nc-- ex says he misses me & looks at photos of me??

[Charmaine_Champagne]

hey everyone, i've been away from love shack for a while now, was finding sometimes coming on here was getting me down and that i was obsessing over my break up and torturing myself to the point where i was spending hours on my lap top, neglecting college, work, etc and generally driving myself up the wall.

 

anyway, i need some advice so see what you guys make of this..

 

first a bit of background.. i've been 90 days NC with my ex (go me!) in that time hIs efforts to contact me have been minimal to say the least. in the 3months i had 3 texts from him, 1 was blank and i got a drunk 'i miss you' text around a month ago. his texts didn't really say anything meaningful, i feel they were bait to see if i would respond. you can read my other threads for more detailed background if you don't know the story (we were together almost 6 years, first loves and basically he dumped me, or rather ignored me until i went away, such a coward, left me in limbo for weeks not knowing where i stood until i had enough, i went NC, he was very cruel, very immature, didn't have the balls to tell me i guess).. like i say u can read other threads by me, he really hurt me)

 

anyway this is an update 3 days ago i received an email from him (it's been 3 months since he's heard from me) and his email said 'i miss you' and he had attached a jpeg of a photo of me. it's a photo of me from his birthday last year and it's kinda cute i guess.. and my boobs look huge in it ha ha

 

so then an hour later i get a text msg through to my cell from him that reads..

 

''hey **** how r ya just looking at photos of you i miss you hope all is well''

 

(**** = he called me by a pet name he always had for me also)

 

so far i haven't answered him i don't know what to say and family friends say i should maintain NC. the next day i had a private withheld number call my cell phone, i didn't pick up. i figure it was my ex ringing to see if i still had the same number after all this time.

 

there has been no apology, no explanation of why he completely abondoned me 3 months ago. i always said i wanted closure with him but i don't know if i should use this contact to open up the window to conversation. and why after 3 months of hearing very little from him has he suddenly decided he misses me.

 

i feel he is immature and doesn't really know how to go about contacting me after everything so he is doing the whole casual, bright n breezy 'how r ya' type of thing. i haven't heard anything since the weekend.

 

any thoughts on am i doing the right thing ignoring him? ofcourse i miss him but i don't even know if i would get closure from talking to him as he will prob feed me a pack of lies (i know him too well) But we were together a long time so i would like to speak to him. i feel he prob won't have the balls to call me though, do i wait this out? i've been trying to move on and i've been doing better lately getting on with life. don't ask me how i managed 90 days NC i felt so down and weak many times but didn't give in. my family were really supportive.

 

any thoughts?? why is he doing this.. is he just wanting to hear a breath from me to ease his guilt, does he actually miss me, does he want me back or is he just feeling sorry for himself cuz he's realized that the grass isn't greener?...

[Charmaine_Champagne]

by the way sorry guys i didn't mean to post this thread twice, i hit the back button to try to edit my post and ended up saving it again.. like i say it's been a while since i've been on here... i lived here for afew weeks when my ex was first up to his tricks

[bluewolf17]

Hi there,

 

First off, great job on the 90 days of NC. That's just fantastic.

 

This is hard, because you say your ex is immature, and you don't think he would call you-this sounds like his way of reaching out. When I read your post, the first thing I notice is that from your style of writing, you make it seem that you are past wanting to be with him still. You say you miss him, but don't eleborate. My feeling is that your have moved on, or are almost there.

 

I wonder, if he was able to convince you of how sorry he is, and that he wanted you back-would you want him back now?

 

The text's and emails seem to me that he is just "testing the water". He is trying to get a response from you. But he isn't trying very hard. Personally, I would leave it alone, but its your call.

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

[Ingenue]

Charmaine,

 

While I don't know your ex or how he behaves, it sounds like he's fishing for information and fishing for your emotional/reactive state. My ex came fishing around a few months ago when he complained about his current relationship and inquired about the new men I was dating. I was of course incensed that he'd whinge about such things considering he dumped me by email. He offered up the same verbal platitudes of "I miss you", "I can't believe talking to you after this many months still has such an effect on me", told me I was beautiful and other empty words and phrases. I didn't bite and I don't think you should either. You've been doing so well with 90 days NC.

 

You need to remember that most risks are calculated risks and perhaps he's gauging whether it's worth approaching you in the future. Regardless of what his motives are, you shouldn't think about them unless you want to think about them and as a previous poster has said, it sounds like you've moved on. Until he makes some grand overture (beyond typing some words on a screen), you should continue doing your NC.

 

Good luck

[sugarmomma]

Please do not bite the BAIT!!!

 

If you take him back or even start talking to him he will abandon you again.

 

I read your first post and that was very cruel and heartless of him to treat you like that for no reason.

 

Everytime you think of contacting him, go back and read your OP. That should shock you back into reality.

 

He is a loser!!!!

 

I would tell his azz to get lost after the way he treated you.

 

HE WILL DO IT AGAIN IF YOU TAKE HIM BACK!!!!!!!!

 

You deserve the best and obviously he has proven that he is not it. I would send a clear message to him to get lost.

 

Keep your head up and look toeards your future.

 

 

He is the past and he blew his chance and now he should live with the decision he made to treat you like sh*t.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thanks for the responses every1. i haven't responded to him and am maintaining NC. i def haven't moved on though and i'm certainly not over him but i have been getting better. we were together a lonnnng time. it's weird some days i am fine and then other days i'm very down. i'm def a hell of alot better than i was 3 months ago. but i still really miss him.

 

the thing is altho we were together 6 years he has done nasty things to me in the past for which i have forgiven him and taken him back. so this is like the final straw, i can't take him back a third time. don't get me wrong i am not completely innocent, though i never cheated on him the whole time we were together and i was always loyal and straight with him about how i felt. i do admit i was cold with him on occasions and kept him at arms length sexually also, but looking back that was probably because deep down i didn't trust him and maybe never fully forgave him for things he did to me through our relationship.

 

i just feel he hasn't really done enough to justify as response from me at this stage. don't get me wrong it's not about wanting him to chase me and beg just to feed my ego. but after what he put me through and the cruel and cowardly way he broke up with me (by ignoring me) i feel he should try harder. i feel he owes me an apology and until he actually contacts me properly (by lifting the phone rather than through afew words on screen) i think i need to maintain NC.

 

yes he is telling me he misses me, looking at photos of me, but he hasn't said 'i'm sorry, i was heartless can you forgive me maybe we can talk' he is just dropping bait to see if i bite.

 

its not that i don't want him back, i know i CAN'T take him back after all he has done (my family would disown me lol) but because we were together 6 years and grew up together i would like to eventually speak with him so that i can have my say and get closure and also to see what he has to say for himself. i don't want my life to be completely with out him and maybe further down the line we could even be friends. maybe i am still being weak.

 

i just don't know if i should have used his small contact to break into conversation and maybe talk in order to get closure. but deep down i feel he needs to try harder if he wants a response from me. i don't know if he will try harder though, it has been 3 months he may just give up.

 

but like i say his email/texts don't say sorry, they dont say 'i made the biggest mistake of my life, i want you back' etc. i just wish he would actually lift the phone and call me or have the balls to approach me to my face.

 

i feel his emails and texts are the bare minimum, like a fishing expedition or even just to hear anything from me, a breath just to know that i'm alive lol and that i'm ok and then it will ease his guilt. but i'm certain he must miss me. i feel he just doesn't want to admit responsibility for what he did and how cruelly he broke up with me (he tried to switch the blame onto me by ignoring me & pretending he wasn't receiving my calls and texts, etc) and then i went NC. he never actually said to me 'ur dumped, get out of my life' but his actions told me that is how he felt.

 

i feel maybe he doesn't know HOW to go about getting me back or approaching me or what to say because it's been so long now, he hasn't heard from me in 3 months so for all he knows i could have a new man in my life. and also the way he ended it with me and then me going NC could make it hard for him because he'll have to explain what the hell he was playing at. whereas if i knew what he had done he could just apologize for it.

 

but at the moment its all a mystery to me why he behaved that way 3 months ago. i don't know if there was another woman, had he cheated or did he just want to be one of the boys and hang with his buddys. i torture myself wondering even though i should just tell myself no matter what the reason he still did it, he was still cruel so i should forget him. if only it was that was easy.

 

the thing is even if we do eventually talk for closure he prob wont want to tell me the truth, and won't answer my questions honestly. maybe i am weak because part of me feels guilty, even sorry for him that he has been reaching out to me (albeit minimally) and each time i've ignored him. maybe i'm just a nice person and don't like to be hard. i eventually want to speak with him so do i just wait this out?

 

any more thoughts?

 

(sorry this is so long, just needed to vent)

[sugarmomma]

It really isn't about him and why and how he is initiating contact. You need to find out what is going on with you that you are willing to allow yourself to be treated in such a way.

 

You may want to seek some counseling.