my wife didn't want me to leave, and i didn't want to go

[mrimperfect]

This is the biggest misunderstanding of our lives. My wife and I have been together for about 8 years. We've had ups and downs, but recently it kind of came to a head. We haven't cheated on eachother, there has been no violence. She asked me to leave a few weeks ago, we talked for hours and (I thought) made up. Then a few days later, we had a small misunderstanding, she thought I was angry (I wasn't), I thought she was angry (she was reacting to my percieved anger), and it slowly got out of control. Over the next 20 minutes or so, we didn't say a lot to eachother. She said "This isn't gonna work . . ." I said (bluffing) "Well maybe I should go. . ." long silence, she said "Maybe that isn't such a bad idea." We argued for the next few hours, she left with the kids, I followed her, gave her her cell phone and went home. She told me to leave. I packed up and left. She came home and I was gone. -- It has been 3 weeks. -- She has told me several times that she didn't want me to leave, and I told her i didn't want to and want to come back, then she reaffirms that she wants me gone, just leave her alone. At every turn when I try to do something good to get her to take me back, I do something stupid (sometimes in her eyes, sometimes actually stupid). I've been at my moms house, and tomorrow I'm moving into an apartment. I want for us to get back together. We have a beautifl life together, but every time I try to get us together she runs away from me. I read an "article" by HOMER MCDONALD and a lot of what he says makes sense, I don't have the 80$ to buy his book, but really think it would help us. I feel like we can still be together and be happy, she has told others that she loves me and wants it to work out, but to me she says its over. Any advice or help?

[webmuse]

I'm confused too..

[LakesideDream]

Sounds like there is much more to this... you should post more background, what the arguments were about, condition of the marriage, 1st second marriage? Kids and ages, all the details you can muster... if you want quality comments.

[mrimperfect]

I met my wife in highschool, we kissed once. it was magical. her family moved away and din't hear from her again for 6 years. while we were apart she got married had a kid (now age 11) and her husband beat her up almost every day. she had just left him when she tracked me down via internet, a few moths later we met in our hometown and kissed, again magic. we have been together ever since. we miscarried twins a few years ago. had another son (now age 3). we've had problems with money, stabilty, and ideas on how to raise the kids. in fact most of our agruments have been over how to raise the boys. more recently, she turned we turned 30, she has said things like "young guys don't look at me anymore." I have made a habit of telling her at least once a day how beautiful she is. she asked me to leave because she's just not happ and needs to figure things out. she asked for time to think. we've had a few conversations since then, and they are mainly centered around the fact that she doesn't think anyone in her life cares about her. "Of course you love me, you just don't care about me." So i've tried to give her space. She asked me to take the kids on mother's day so she could think. we made her some nice meaningful gifts (as is our tradition) and she loved them. she has repeatedly told me that there's no chance we will ever be together again, but always when she's mad about something. She told me to get an apartment, then was angry at me afer I did. She told me she hated me, because I told her parents that they need to not worry about me, and instead go be supportive toward her. "She is hurting and needs her family." It is my belief that she we are apart because she is in pain, not because she doesn't want me. She has TOLD me that some of the things she's said to me in the last weeks were just to hurt me so I'd go away. I feel like she is in pain, and seeing me causes her pain, but I don't understand why. She asked me not to tell her that I love her. "I just don't want to hear that." I've been in love with her for 14 years. I can't stand to see her in such pain. But every time I try to do something to make it better it somehow blows up in my face. That's why tat Homer guy seems to make a lot of sense. I love my wife, and our family and the life we had. I want a chance to start over.

[whichwayisup]

Are you sure there's noone else? Or is she bi-polar, suffering from depression or something like that? Something is very 'off' about this..

 

Either way, if you love her, fight for your marriage. Offer to do marriage counseling together. You two have kids and you both owe it to them to give it your best shot.

[SRV]

I met my wife in highschool, we kissed once. it was magical. her family moved away and din't hear from her again for 6 years. while we were apart she got married had a kid (now age 11) and her husband beat her up almost every day.

 

Did she ever get counseling for this? If not, try and suggest it to her, its never too late.

 

she had just left him when she tracked me down via internet, a few moths later we met in our hometown and kissed, again magic. we have been together ever since.

 

Could she have reverted to the same as when she first met you? Maybe someone new has come into the picture?

 

we miscarried twins a few years ago. had another son (now age 3). we've had problems with money, stabilty, and ideas on how to raise the kids. in fact most of our agruments have been over how to raise the boys. more recently, she turned we turned 30, she has said things like "young guys don't look at me anymore."

 

Close to what is referred to as quarter life crisis. You might want to give us more details on this. Any change in her spending habits, dressing, new clothes, hair style, her demeanor when she is on the phone. Does she work, any periods of absences when you are not able to reach her? Any new friends or coworkers in the picture that she talks about a lot?

 

I have made a habit of telling her at least once a day how beautiful she is. she asked me to leave because she's just not happ and needs to figure things out. she asked for time to think.

 

Time to think most often than not translates into time to spend with the other new person to see if he is a viable option.

 

we've had a few conversations since then, and they are mainly centered around the fact that she doesn't think anyone in her life cares about her. "Of course you love me, you just don't care about me."

 

She's trying to mitigate the guilt by rationalizing what she is carrying on without your knowledge. She is telling you something indirectly, you best starting digging for the new person in her life that is giving her all the attention.

 

So i've tried to give her space. She asked me to take the kids on mother's day so she could think.

 

She asked you take the kids so that she could spend more time with the new person in her life.

 

we made her some nice meaningful gifts (as is our tradition) and she loved them. she has repeatedly told me that there's no chance we will ever be together again, but always when she's mad about something. She told me to get an apartment, then was angry at me afer I did. She told me she hated me, because I told her parents that they need to not worry about me, and instead go be supportive toward her.

 

She is trying to alleviate her guilt.

 

"She is hurting and needs her family." It is my belief that she we are apart because she is in pain, not because she doesn't want me. She has TOLD me that some of the things she's said to me in the last weeks were just to hurt me so I'd go away. I feel like she is in pain, and seeing me causes her pain, but I don't understand why. She asked me not to tell her that I love her. "I just don't want to hear that."

 

At this point, when you telll her that, it makes her feel guilty of whatever it is she carrying on. She also does not want to feel as if she is cheating, of which all that you have written is pointing to it.

 

I've been in love with her for 14 years. I can't stand to see her in such pain. But every time I try to do something to make it better it somehow blows up in my face.

 

It blows up in your face because of the guilt that she is feeling. It is time to snoop, she has found someone that has caught her eye or is eyeing someone.

 

That's why tat Homer guy seems to make a lot of sense. I love my wife, and our family and the life we had. I want a chance to start over.

 

You are in for a bumpy ride, best be prepared, I hope it isn't so.

[seibert253]

I met my wife in highschool, we kissed once. it was magical. her family moved away and din't hear from her again for 6 years. while we were apart she got married had a kid (now age 11) and her husband beat her up almost every day. she had just left him when she tracked me down via internet, a few moths later we met in our hometown and kissed, again magic. we have been together ever since. we miscarried twins a few years ago. had another son (now age 3). we've had problems with money, stabilty, and ideas on how to raise the kids. in fact most of our agruments have been over how to raise the boys. more recently, she turned we turned 30, she has said things like "young guys don't look at me anymore." I have made a habit of telling her at least once a day how beautiful she is. she asked me to leave because she's just not happ and needs to figure things out. she asked for time to think. we've had a few conversations since then, and they are mainly centered around the fact that she doesn't think anyone in her life cares about her. "Of course you love me, you just don't care about me." So i've tried to give her space. She asked me to take the kids on mother's day so she could think. we made her some nice meaningful gifts (as is our tradition) and she loved them. she has repeatedly told me that there's no chance we will ever be together again, but always when she's mad about something. She told me to get an apartment, then was angry at me afer I did. She told me she hated me, because I told her parents that they need to not worry about me, and instead go be supportive toward her. "She is hurting and needs her family." It is my belief that she we are apart because she is in pain, not because she doesn't want me. She has TOLD me that some of the things she's said to me in the last weeks were just to hurt me so I'd go away. I feel like she is in pain, and seeing me causes her pain, but I don't understand why. She asked me not to tell her that I love her. "I just don't want to hear that." I've been in love with her for 14 years. I can't stand to see her in such pain. But every time I try to do something to make it better it somehow blows up in my face. That's why tat Homer guy seems to make a lot of sense. I love my wife, and our family and the life we had. I want a chance to start over.

 

She's not in pain, she's confused. Now you have to find out why. Is she confused because of conflicting logic, or is she confused because of conflicting emotions.

 

Conflicting emotions usually envolves the conflict of feelings toward someone else. Sounds to me that she has emotions or love for you, but there is a conflict possibly by someone or something else. Thus the wishy washiness of loving you one minute, then the next wanting your marriage to be over.

 

Now I've heard and read so many times, my wife would never cheat on me, or she does not have the time. HOGWASH. 90% or betrayed spouses never saw it coming.

 

You need to do your homework. You cannot do effective detective work out of the home. Your home is just as much yours as it is hers. Here's what I would do if I were in your predicament:

1. Tell her you want to fix and repair the damage cause, but you cannot do this away from home.

2. Tell her you are moving back home.

3. Tell her you are going to move heaven and earth to fix what's broke, but you cannot do it alone, and cannot do it away from her.

4. Move back into YOUR home.

5. Start counseling, with or without her.

6. Start your detective work; keylogger on your computer, moniter her cell phone if she has one. (One good way to do this is detailed billing records. This shows the number, time, and date of every call and text)

7. If she wants to leave, let her.

 

If there's no one else, she will make an effort to repair this. If she leaves or fights not to fix things, you'll find there's a reason, and it may be because of someone else.

 

I sincerly hope not.

Good Luck and God Bless

Keep us posted.

[TroyNJ]

She's not in pain, she's confused. Now you have to find out why. Is she confused because of conflicting logic, or is she confused because of conflicting emotions.

 

Conflicting emotions usually envolves the conflict of feelings toward someone else. Sounds to me that she has emotions or love for you, but there is a conflict possibly by someone or something else. Thus the wishy washiness of loving you one minute, then the next wanting your marriage to be over.

 

Now I've heard and read so many times, my wife would never cheat on me, or she does not have the time. HOGWASH. 90% or betrayed spouses never saw it coming.

 

You need to do your homework. You cannot do effective detective work out of the home. Your home is just as much yours as it is hers. Here's what I would do if I were in your predicament:

1. Tell her you want to fix and repair the damage cause, but you cannot do this away from home.

2. Tell her you are moving back home.

3. Tell her you are going to move heaven and earth to fix what's broke, but you cannot do it alone, and cannot do it away from her.

4. Move back into YOUR home.

5. Start counseling, with or without her.

6. Start your detective work; keylogger on your computer, moniter her cell phone if she has one. (One good way to do this is detailed billing records. This shows the number, time, and date of every call and text)

7. If she wants to leave, let her.

 

If there's no one else, she will make an effort to repair this. If she leaves or fights not to fix things, you'll find there's a reason, and it may be because of someone else.

 

I sincerly hope not.

Good Luck and God Bless

Keep us posted.

 

Sorry but IMO this is terrible advice, forcing the issue will push her further away, IMO he should immediately start NC.

[sinatra]

I agree with TroyNJ. The NC will provide you time to think and start healing. It will put the ball in her court and if there is someone or something else it will come out on it's own. You really need to be strong during the NC it really does work for you.

[Biggie25x]

Go NC. It will give you both time to figure out what you both want. Even if you don't stay together you will still have feelings for each other, so it can be a confusing time. Something was making it bad when you were together though.

 

If you go back to that situation without either one of you adjusting your behaviors it will just be more of the same. You both were so unhappy you were ready to call it off at one time so you need time to figure stuff out.

 

Two things will happen, you'll either figure out that you both are happier apart or you will figure out your relationship is worth fighting for. That your vow of for better or worse and until death do us part means something to both of you.

 

Any relationship can be saved but you both need to work on it. It's not a 50/50 deal but a 100/100 deal. If only one of you is willing to work on it it will be tough. Ultimately if you guys are going to work it out it needs to be together and not apart.

 

Keep posting here. The people on this site have and are helping me through one of the toughest times of my life.

[Montclair0011]

You can't go NC with someone you have children with. It sounds to me like she either 1) needs to be with someone who abuses her, 2) is having an affair, or 3) Does not want to be with someone who lets her treat him like crap.

 

She is treating you like crap and you are just trying to do what she says as though it makes sense. You will never win this way. You need to emotionally distance yourself from her (LC) and get some IC to find out how you ended up in this mess. You need to reset the balance of power in your relationship.

 

MC would also be good if she is willing and IF she is not having an affair, which she might be.

[sugarmomma]

The aftermath of abusive relationships have a tendency to creep up for years. Women who have untreated abuse issues are very damaged. You cannot "love" that kind of pain away. It has to be treated professionally.

 

Unfortunately, you can't save her. Go away and start preparing for a new life since you cant force her to want to work on the marriage.

 

My heart goes out to you because I was just like her when I met my xhusband. We both ended up being abusive to one another because he was passive aggressive.

 

Prepare to move on with your life just in case she doesn't get the help she needs.

[White Flower]

I have made a habit of telling her at least once a day how beautiful she is.

 

"Of course you love me, you just don't care about me." So i've tried to give her space.

Could it be that she is passive-aggressive? You tell her she is beautiful (God, if only I heard that every day!) on a daily basis. You KNOW so much about her, every little detail and yet she says you don't care about her?

 

Don't give her any space. Men are the ones who like space at times like these while women tend to enjoy be comforted. Read John Gray's Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. This book will answer SO many questions for you both. You both should read it, too.

 

Back to the space issue. Next time tell her no! you will not be leaving her. You will be there right by her side to help her get the support she needs from you.

 

Best,

WF.

[Ronni_W]

...HOMER MCDONALD...I don't have the 80$ to buy his book,

Maybe the library has it or can order it in for you?

Marriagebuilders.com is also a good resource that you may want to check.

[Gunny376]

Maybe the library has it or can order it in for you?

Marriagebuilders.com is also a good resource that you may want to check.

 

No its a for profit e-book although it probably should be in every public library, that I'm not in total agreement with. 'Husband-in-the-making' and I have had discussions about it.

 

In my IMHO it calls for the DH become a castrated, supplicating, eunuch of a husband? Which will never work, and only drives the DW / woman further away into the arms of what she "perceives" as a 'real man'

 

I agree with that men need to "date their mate" and that what they did to get her is what they need to keep her. But, you've from time to time men need to man up and be a man ~and tell them the way it is and the way its going to be ~ either that? Or your completely willing to 'walk!" and get to stepping.

 

Without turning back ~ and without looking back!

 

Women are going to test you ~ and that's just a fact! Sure and certain. Even if your married and have children with them.

 

Were it me? I'd go so deep and under, she'd thought I'd fallen off the face of the Earth!

 

Its not ALL about her and her wants and needs, yours come into play somewhere along the line as well.

 

Were in the Hell did you ever get that this little gal was the best that you could ever do? Where did you get it into your head that this woman was the only one that there was?

 

News flash for you! There's no shortage of women!

 

A woman leaves you? All it means is you've got get off your dead @ss and go find yourself another woman! Nothing more! Nothing less!

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! That's a fact!

 

There's no shortage of 'good women" but women know there's a shortage of good men!

 

They're few, far, and in-between!

 

If I were you? I'd be telling this little gal?

 

"You know what? You had your chance! And you blew it!" You had a good man, a good father ~ and you freaking blew it! Have a 'nice forever the rest of your life ~ without me!"

 

She's in her late twenties ~ early thirties, and she's starting to peak sexually, which there's a lot of bio-chemical, brain chemistry, hormones driving her to make short term decisions with long term consequences.

 

In short she's not thinking logically nor clearly, but emotionally.

 

Its not entirely her fault.

 

But you know what? That's not your problem. Your problem is taking care of you and 'yours' ~ those babies of yours within the parameters of legal, moral, ethical considerations.

[Ronni_W]

No its a for profit e-book although it probably should be in every public library,

Thanks for the info, Gunny.

Oh, for the day when men and women will just perceive and treat each other as equal human beings, huh?

I'm not even sure where it comes from or when it started, that men just want to be powerless, helpless victims with a crazy need to blame their mates for their (the men's) own decisions and choices. I strongly suspect that my dear, deceased Dad would be beating all of them about the head with a big stick

 

I agree that when one spouse (of either gender) stops working FOR the partnership, then it calls for the other spouse to take self-caring, self-advocating action that will 100% support and promote his or her ACTUAL goals for the future of that relationship.