What Do I Say?

[GorillaTheater]

This place doesn't get as much traffic as some of the other LS forums, but I'm hoping to get some good advice. Say, before 6:00 p.m. CST today ...

 

My oldest daughter is 20, and living about 1000 miles while she's doing an internship at a horse breeding/training ranch. She's been there since December, and her contract is up in June. The other night, she told my wife that she may not be coming home, that she was in love with the maintenance foreman. So far as I know, this is the first romantic relationship she's had; her life until now has been consumed by horses, horses, and more horses.

 

I don't know much about this guy. I met him when I moved my daughter there, but he didn't leave much of an impression on me one way or the other. He's older, but I don't know by how much. He has an ex-wife and young child, and their relationship is apparently pretty chaotic. XW recently filed an assault complaint against him, which was apparently dismissed, but I don't know where the truth lies. He also fairly recently lost his license due to a DWI. That's about the sum total of my knowledge.

 

I fear for her heart. I fear for her future. I worry about her inexperience. I worry that she may be in love with a potentially abusive man. I'm afraid and worried, period.

 

My inclination is to go get her and kick his ass if he looks cross-eyed at me and to hell if my daughter ever speaks to me again. May or may not be the best course of action, though ...

 

I'm talking to her tonight. My first words will be "Baby, I love you so much; all I want is the best for you." After that I'm pretty stuck. What do I say? What do I do? Sit back and watch the impending train wreck and hope for the best? Jesus, I remember clear as a bell walking her around the block when she first started walking, her tiny hand in mine.

[Cuppie_Cake]

Ok first things first, dont talk to her in a tone that is gonna get her defensive.

 

Second, write down the issues you want to discuss with her on paper.

its easier to stay focused if you have it in front of you. And if the conversation is heading the way you want, you can lok at your notes and try to steer it back.

 

If this is her first real love interest, then you may be chit out of luck. First loves are a real bitch sometimes.. lol

 

However it also may be a tool you can use. By telling her, "honey this is your first real BF or whatever words you want to use to describe him. Why not come home for a bit to see if it really is love or just the convience of him being there and Daddy not being around" Once you get her home and "away" from the love interest, it will either make her want him more, or she will see it as a passing fling.

 

If that dont get you anywhere, tell her its too far away and you want her to start her adult life closer to home. Use guilt if need be... lol tell her that you will want to be an active Grandpa, and you cant do that if she sets up house in another state.

 

******WHAT EVER YOU DO*******

 

DO NOT point out all his faults. She is only gonna get defensive of him, and will stop listening to you. Try to keep HIM out of your conversation.

 

I hope this helps. I know when my dad talked to me about my first hubby, he came across wrong, and made me defense of him. He pointed out his faults. His concerns didnt make it to my brain as I had already shut it off when I heard "baby he isnt right for you"

 

Just keep the conversation light, reiterate how much you miss her, tell her you need her to be closer to you.

 

 

ETA; I was 20 too when I got married. I had high expectations of myself. I wanted to be a lawyer, but instead I fell in love and got married... lol

[blind_otter]

FWIW.

 

I think my parents struggled as well, to see me flounder romantically and fall under the influence of alcoholic and abusive men. You know, now that I am a parent I realize that their words and actions came from love and not control. At the time, though, when they said that someone was forbidden it merely drove me further into the forbidden embrace. At 20, you think you know everything and are desperately to spread your wings and fly alone, even if that means you fall and stumble.

 

I think you should just tell her what you wrote here, does that sound lame? If anything, when you do reach out to her, choose your words carefully and make sure they sound clearly as if they are coming from a place of love and compassion.

 

Challenge HIM - you need the opportunity to meet him in a more intimate setting that allows you the chance to really speak and exchange information, so you can get a better grasp of the character of this individual. It's your right as her parent to ask for that, at least. If he is not willing to do that, it speaks volumes.

[GorillaTheater]

Thanks alot, I appreciate both of your replies.

 

CC, yeah, I do need to watch my tone. Anybody who reads much of my stuff here knows I can come across as belligerant, even when I don't mean to. I also think you're right about not even bringing him up or, if the subject does come up, not bringing up his bad points. I remember how smart I was at 20 ... And I DO want her to settle a little closer than Virginia.

 

Blind Otter, I'd love to confront the guy, but the distance is a factor and I don't know that I want to do this over the phone. May come to that, because at this point I have no idea what his intentions are. But yes, I'll focus on making sure that anything I say comes from love and compassion.

 

Sucks to feel so helpless. I'm not built well for it.

[boldjack]

GT, Pard, this is a really tough parley. My daughter was my first and I was as protective as a man could be. When she went off to college, I wanted to call her every night and whenever she would get sick or have trouble with classes, it was all I could do , to keep from going and getting her. I was a nervous wreck. But you have to let go. There comes a time when you must trust that they will remember their upbringing and that they have the values and judgement to live an adult life. For your own peace of mind, there are some things you can do. I think that before you talk to her, try to get as much info on this guy as you can. Is there any way you can do that? Does he have a history of substance abuse or violence? What kind of law-enforcement and support groups are available in her area. She is an adult by law, so there is a limited amount you can do, except be a "safety net", for her should anything bad arise. I had a lot of help with my daughter, her brothers were very critical of any of her bf's, and my boys are pretty intimidating. When you have tried persuasion and all else fails and you find out that he is a jerk, THEN go and kick his ass. I'm with you, amigo.

[GorillaTheater]

Thanks Boldjack. I have a friend who's a PI. He's in Texas, but he's probably a fair hand at accessing public records and wringing info from law enforcement. I might be able to do the same, but not nearly as well or efficiently.

 

I'm going to try to get her to come home for at least a while, if nothing else to see her family and take care of some of her affairs here. If she goes back to him, then he'd better by God do right by her. Matter of fact, I'll go back with her and have a come-to-Jesus meeting with him so there's no mistake about where I stand.

 

Daughters are TOUGH.

[boldjack]

GT, Yeah, girls are tougher to raise than boys, by far. My daughter's room in college got broken into and her computer and stereo were stolen. I went berserk on Campus security and replaced everything and got the point across to all and sundry, that a repeat would involve Attorneys. She came home the next weekend and I was lying on the sofa and she came and lay down beside me and gave me a little kiss and said "thank you Daddy",well.......Hell.

[blind_otter]

 

Daughters are TOUGH.

 

I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit relieved when I gave birth to a boy....

 

Well good luck. Maybe you should write out important points you want to bring up during conversation so you don't get muddled? Or argue?

[Trialbyfire]

There's nothing you can do until or if he abuses her. Beyond that, you have to sit back and do nothing, beyond explaining to her, your reasons for concern. Just make sure she understands that no matter what, you will always love her. Withholding love due to not being able to control her, will lose you respect faster than anything else possible.

[JeezLouise]

From a VERY practical standpoint, what does "may not be coming home" mean?

 

Is she in a college or community college program that the internship has gone through? Has she graduated from that, or is this internship the last stage before graduation? What are her physical living plans if she does not come home? How is she going to support herself or be supported? What about a job? How far away is this internship from you now, or from her school now?

 

My kid knows that my financial participation in their post-high school education comes with a price - I expect them to finish their education with good grades, in order to become gainfully and happily employed in their field. What is your D's expectation for the future? What are yours?

[2sure]

Read this with much curiosity. No advice, my daughter is only 13.

More and more I realize its a totally different world between raising a girl or a boy.

 

Speaking as a former 20 year old woman: Not a thing you can Do.

But...you raised her. She has your values. She may be temporarily blind to them, she may choose a harder road, but in the end...she'll get to the place she should be.

[GorillaTheater]

From a VERY practical standpoint, what does "may not be coming home" mean?

 

Is she in a college or community college program that the internship has gone through? Has she graduated from that, or is this internship the last stage before graduation? What are her physical living plans if she does not come home? How is she going to support herself or be supported? What about a job? How far away is this internship from you now, or from her school now?

 

My kid knows that my financial participation in their post-high school education comes with a price - I expect them to finish their education with good grades, in order to become gainfully and happily employed in their field. What is your D's expectation for the future? What are yours?

 

It's not a university program. I tried to get her interested in seeking an equestrian degree through our local college, but I struck out there too. But I knocked around the refineries in the Houston area and joined the Navy prior to college, so I understand waiting on that.

 

She was chasing her dream, and I admired her guts in picking up stakes and moving halfway across the country to do it. Just a month ago she was having a hard time and was wanting me to come get her. I was the one who talked her through it and convinced her to give her best effort to honoring her contract/commitment. Now I feel like I f*cked up.

[Trialbyfire]

It's not a university program. I tried to get her interested in seeking an equestrian degree through our local college, but I struck out there too. But I knocked around the refineries in the Houston area and joined the Navy prior to college, so I understand waiting on that.

 

She was chasing her dream, and I admired her guts in picking up stakes and moving halfway across the country to do it. Just a month ago she was having a hard time and was wanting me to come get her. I was the one who talked her through it and convinced her to give her best effort to honoring her contract/commitment. Now I feel like I f*cked up.

Is this about her or you? You know that if you hadn't fathered her, none of this would have happened...

[GorillaTheater]

Is this about her or you? You know that if you hadn't fathered her, none of this would have happened...

 

To be more precise, I feel like I f*cked up in not bringing her home when I had the opportunity.

 

You're just being pissy because I sided with whatshisname on the foreclosure issue.

[Trialbyfire]

To be more precise, I feel like I f*cked up in not bringing her home when I had the opportunity.

 

You're just being pissy because I sided with whatshisname on the foreclosure issue.

I'm telling you that it's no use with whatifs and guilt over things that aren't within your control.

 

Just be her father and support her when she needs it. Love her always. Protect her when she needs it but within reason. Nothing has happened to her yet so you can't force her to live in a cottonball. Sometimes it takes experience to finally knock some sense into people. For that matter, you don't know this guy from a hole in the wall and have passed judgement on him. You could easily be wrong.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm telling you that it's no use with whatifs and guilt over things that aren't within your control.

 

Just be her father and support her when she needs it. Love her always. Protect her when she needs it but within reason. Nothing has happened to her yet so you can't force her to live in a cottonball. Sometimes it takes experience to finally knock some sense into people. For that matter, you don't know this guy from a hole in the wall and have passed judgement on him. You could easily be wrong.

 

I understand that I have little if any control over this situation. I had to learn in the school of hard knocks, too, and you're right, this guy could be Prince-f*cking-Charming, but there are enough red flags here to cause me alot of concern (i.e., what if his XW is not merely a nut, and an assault DID take place).

 

But the fact is and will ever be that she's my little girl and woe be unto the SOB that hurts her. As I said, I'm afraid and worried for her. I'm not saying that my reaction is necessarily rational, but it is what it is and I make no apologies for feeling the way I feel.

[JeezLouise]

So how is she going to live? At a minimum, impress upon her that she needs to be financially self-reliant, and not move in with this guy.

[GorillaTheater]

So how is she going to live? At a minimum, impress upon her that she needs to be financially self-reliant, and not move in with this guy.

 

I'm not sure she's thought that far ahead, but that will be a topic of conversation tonight.

[Trialbyfire]

I understand that I have little if any control over this situation. I had to learn in the school of hard knocks, too, and you're right, this guy could be Prince-f*cking-Charming, but there are enough red flags here to cause me alot of concern (i.e., what if his XW is not merely a nut, and an assault DID take place).

 

But the fact is and will ever be that she's my little girl and woe be unto the SOB that hurts her. As I said, I'm afraid and worried for her. I'm not saying that my reaction is necessarily rational, but it is what it is and I make no apologies for feeling the way I feel.

I can respect, even admire fathers who want to protect their children from a position of love.

 

I'm just trying to help you see it, from a daughter's perspective and also provide a way for you to address it with her.

 

You have every right to be concerned, due to red flags. How you approach it, can create the pattern for future dealings with her. She's all grown up now but far from experienced and mature. Trust in the foundations you've taught her but be there to catch her if she falls and whether it's this time or not, guaranteed, she'll fall down, sooner or later.

 

My Dad's the same way.

[GorillaTheater]

I'll be as gentle and loving as I can be; I won't speak harshly to her or bring up her beau. And if this goes south in a big way, I'll love her none the less and help out any way I can.

[Trialbyfire]

You have every right to express anything you want about her beau, within reason and done in a respectful way. She has to learn that you're entitled to your opinion, as well. As long as she's not being condemned or backed into a corner, with love or respect withheld, she'll still come to you for advice in the future.

[carhill]

"Baby, I'm coming to visit. I want to spend a couple days with you and your boyfriend. You've told me so much about him"

 

DFW-IAD is about 200 bucks on Air Tran right now. Book today

[GorillaTheater]

Okay, for anyone who may be interested in the daughter drama, I finally spoke with her last night. It's kind of crazy; between no cell phone coverage in her (mountainous) area, the party line the interns share, and the fact that she's always at doofus' place in the evening, communication has been a challenge.

 

She agreed pretty easily to coming back home for at least a month or so, we'll see. Luckily her best friend has been questioning her sanity and saying other things that I don't think I'd get away with in a million years without hearing a "click" on the phone.

 

I appreciate all the feedback; I took your suggestions to heart.

[Cuppie_Cake]

good. Once she is home and away from him she may see him in a different light.

 

Also, never even thought about the BF idea. You are so right, BF's are listened to a lot more than parents when it comes to love interests...

 

Perhaps its time to take her BF out to lunch and formalize a good plan to keep Daughter at home... lol

 

Either way glad all went well.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Perhaps its time to hire and hunky college-aged yard boy to have the lawn looking spiffy when she shows up... and maybe help to unoad her belongings... and maybe stay for dinner !