Lizzy_lou Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I'm not sure how to post this, or if I even want to admit to it out loud. I guess love has dissapointed me. I'm young and dumb with lack of experience, but I can't say any of ths has altered my standard in this relationship. We started out at highschool together. Me and Adam, that's his name. I was always "one of the guys". I'd pride myself on skulling a beer faster then anyone else at the party and using men for love like they used women for sex. I guess I had somewhat femenistic views, but at the same time i've always like males a hell of alot more then females (in the friendship department, aswell). We were total opposites, Adam and I. He was dark and depressed and I was this ultra 50's outspoken.. well, you get the picture. We only really hung out because we were all in the same group of friends, it was the end of year party two years ago that I found myself making out in the bathroom with him. six months passed before I saw him again, I guess the chemistry never really left us. Slowly we got from the 'friends with benefits' stage to an actual relationship, and then finally to love. I'm not sure how or why we work. Deep down we have all these same feelings, though I always wondered if it was truly love coming from his angle or merely lust or even admiration. Then again, maybe it's just my doubts about love making me think these paranoid thoughts. No matter what, though, I always felt this doubt about us. Maybe it was because of how we started out- he was so forward that first night (as was I) I never knew if I was special to begin with or if he treated all the girls like that. And he's so closed off with his emotions, we both are, but we both try. It's hard for him to tell me how he's always feeling, it's hard for me, too. I guess we're both scared of being vaulnerable, and we're so used to being closed off. But I know he loves me, or.. loved me. I find myself in my final uear of highschool, and ofcourse, our growing pains are reaching their end. The discussion of university has come up, and our enevedable future. It's no secret that i've wanted to travel; to leave this small minded town and live each month someplace different. I had this whole life planned out before Adam, and though I don't want this to end and am so greatful I found it when I did, now I think it may have been too soon. What happens after highschool? We move out, right? Do we move out with eachother? Is it weired not to? And what about schooling? He wants to go to uni for 4 years, and I want to get out of here. I told him of my plan; that I wanted to travel a bit, and that my only reserve was my feelings for him and not wanting to leave him. I was expecting him to object, or beg to come with me, or atleast moan that he'd miss me. He didn't. He said "Okay. Go." I didn't say anything at the time, but it broke my heart to hear him say it so bluntly, like he didn't even care. We both knew that me leaving would be the end of us, and that if I were to leave I would not be coming back. He just didn't care. It made no difference to him whether or not I was in his life. That whole night was awful. There was no love, no affection, just eating, sleeping and ****ing. The next night we spoke again. He told me he was sorry to his reaction to my wanting to travel, he told me he honestly couldn't picture me leaving, that it would bother him alot, and that he couldn't imagine being here without me. He told me he "couln't imagine being in a love other than yours" not "being inlove with anyone other than you" but "being in a love other than yours" as if it were a one way thing. It should be cleared up, right? I can't shake off this feeling. I havn't spoken to him since then, it's been 2 days. But something is wrong. That night, in bed, it was so cold between us, and it wasn't our conversation. It was something else. Are we getting bored with eachother? I guess there's only one way to put how it feels... "Why is the bedroom so cold, turned away on your side? is my timing that flawed, our respect run so deprieved? yet there's still this appeal that we've kept through our lives and love, love will tear us apart, again..." Help me, I don't know how to read into the male brain, especially not his. I always expect the worst, not a week since we've been in this 1 year relationship has gone by without me crying once over him. But this time i can't cry, my tears for him have run out. I'm scared it all may be broken.
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