burningashes Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Hi everyone! Some background info- I'm a student who will be starting third year studies for my degree this september. I work 80 hours every two weeks (4 day shifts) and I am fianicially comfortable. Although, I don't have a brand new car or my own house, this is by choice because I choose to pay off my loans while I attend school. I have some money set aside in my savings for things I might want to do, like a vacation. My boyfriend is in law enforcement, so he earns a salary and all that. He's from another city way east, so the last few times, he has gone away to see his family and friends. This time around, in June, I will be going with him for a few days and I'm really excited about it! Anyway, I'll get to the point. When I first told him I wanted to go, I was sure I could afford the plane ticket (I was expecting it to cost at least $800Cdn). My mindset was that, if I couldn't, I wouldn't have told him that I wanted to go with him. It was all good until we sat down at the computer to book the tickets online. I had gone to the bathroom when he finalized everything and when I came back, he told me the ticket would only cost $500. I said that was good news, that I would get the money to him next time I see him. He said, well, I could pay for some of it, like $100 and you can just give me the rest. This made me uncomfortable, because I like to be equal in a relationship, I told him that wasn't necessary, that I could afford the ticket. He looked at me kindly and said that I couldn't, so he would help out. I tried to argue saying that I work a lot of hours that I easily could afford it, that if I couldn't, I wouldn't even have asked to go in the first place. I felt really embarrassed so I thanked him and said I would pay $400 instead of the $500. He does that in other situations too. Like it was his birthday recently and I told him I wanted to take him out for dinner, and that he could pick a place. Since he's new to the city, he said he didn't know, but a simple and not-too-expensive place would be good. I picked up on the "not too expensive" part as him kind of trying to make it "easy" for my wallet. I didn't know whether to be insulted or what, so I said, all right, let's go to this place then. Am I being too uptight about trying to pay for myself? Lately, I've been staying alot at his place, and I have offered to help pay for things like food or even some money towards rent, and he declined. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is a super nice guy and I love him, I just feel like I need to contribute something without being treated like a poor student (believe me, I'm not THAT poor). Should I just accept that he's the breadwinner in this relationship? Because he does make more money than I do. I hope this makes sense. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated!
Bejita463 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I don't really see a problem. He has more money than you do. He doesn't seem to mind using it, though he seems to be careful with it. You aren't asking him to do things for you, and are offering to pay your own way. The impression I get is that he recognizes that he can better afford things than you can, not as a condescension, but as a simple truth. That isn't a burden to him if he is offering. What you two are doing seems perfectly fine to me.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 i think you're overreacting. I think your bf is very caring and he's just worried for you with regards to your financial status. Now if he had refused to pay and instead asked you for money, then you have a problem. I think you should be grateful that he's being so generous.
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I would say yes (you're being too uptight). Do something proactive, spending your money, for him. Something small but special. This tells him you're not only thinking about him but that you recognize his philosophy regarding money and agree with it (if you do). It's best to be honest about that stuff early-on, as it's a major compatibility issue if you get married.
Author burningashes Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Hi everyone, thanks for your response. I don't mind his generousness. I just feel like I am taking advantage of him if I don't pay my share. I'm a very independent person, so it is somewhat difficult for me to accept this as a simple truth that he makes more money than I do and that he is trying to be a nice guy. I guess I'm scared that one day he'll realize that we aren't on the same wavelength when it comes to money and start to resent me for it even though I offer all the time. It's best to be honest about that stuff early-on, as it's a major compatibility issue if you get married. I don't think it's a matter of being compatible, this is more of my issue than it is for him. How do I communciate how I feel without coming across as being ungrateful? Maybe it would make me feel better and perhaps understand where he's coming from if I brought this up?
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 This is what I'm talking about... I said that was good news, that I would get the money to him next time I see him. He said, well, I could pay for some of it, like $100 and you can just give me the rest. This made me uncomfortable, because I like to be equal in a relationship, I told him that wasn't necessary, that I could afford the ticket. He looked at me kindly and said that I couldn't, so he would help out. I tried to argue saying that I work a lot of hours that I easily could afford it, that if I couldn't, I wouldn't even have asked to go in the first place. I felt really embarrassed so I thanked him and said I would pay $400 instead of the $500It was this dynamic which pointed me towards examining issues of compatibility. His behavior (and yours) are reflective of your intrinsic perspectives regarding money and the male/female roles regarding such in a relationship. Examine that, with him
Saxis Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I don't think you've overreacted all that much, maybe just a tiny bit. Lots of men show their generosity/affection through their wallets. It's what they know. Instead of getting defensive about your income, maybe next time he makes a comment, you could just explain that "It's OK, I already had money set aside for <whatever>..." I'm sure he doesn't feel that you're taking advantage of him or using him for his money, and you shouldn't either.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Some men like to be chivalrous - it makes them feel really great when we accept their help. That's just the way they are. I think you are very lucky to have found someone like him. He wants to be the hero, so let him have his moment. Let him "treat" you. I have dated men who were very cheap and either didn't pay, or every time they did, they hinted that it was my turn next, and to me that is a huge turn off because I very likely would have reciprocated.
BobSacamento Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I guess it depends on what kind of person you are. You don't sound like a submissive type. Frankly, I think he's trying show his dominance by saying that he can take care of you. Maybe he's into submissive types. I don't know why but it really disgusts me personally. I think it's degrading.
carhill Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 If he had been truly dominant, he would've just booked the ticket and paid for it without discussion.
BobSacamento Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 If he had been truly dominant, he would've just booked the ticket and paid for it without discussion. Funny you should mention that, I have a friend who just had that happen. She put on a whole act of being super pissed. I think she gets back from Hawaii tomorrow lol!
Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 If he had been truly dominant, he would've just booked the ticket and paid for it without discussion. Agreed. My BF did just that, after asking me what times I'd prefer to take off upon each departure! Some men like to be chivalrous - it makes them feel really great when we accept their help. That's just the way they are. I think you are very lucky to have found someone like him. He wants to be the hero, so let him have his moment. Let him "treat" you. Agreed again. Because your BF is in law enforcement, I don't think I have to go too far out on a limb to suggest he's probably a bit more traditional when it comes to certain gender roles, such as being a provider. So... let him provide in this way, and enjoy it.
Trialbyfire Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Say "thank you", then take him out for a really fun night, like a pro-sports game or some kind of comedy review and dinner. He'll love it, if he's into sports or stand up comedy.
BeautifulMan Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 If a guy really likes you he will always want to pay for you. Accept it, but don't expect it.
prettybaby Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I wouldn't worry too much about it, although I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend does the same sometimes. But now I have actually managed to make him accept that we take turns when it comes to paying restaurant bills and such. We never ever split 50/50 when it comes to one bill; but I'll pay one, then he pays the next, and so on. I think that splitting one payment is just annoying in a way. Like in your case, paying for the plane tickets was done online as one total for both tickets. It's kind of an extra transaction to then split costs. I think guys rather pay for the whole thing when they can afford it and then say "don't worry about it" instead of messing with separate payments from you, etc. Guys like what's easy and headache-free. Plus, I think they don't want to look cheap by being like "alright, sure" when you say you want to pay your half. Your guy sounds like a gentleman. If you feel uncomfortable about it, just compensate in other areas and be the best girlfriend he's ever had; sex included You can also buy him a present once in a while, or whatever. But I feel like guys generally don't care too much about "stuff" and money from a woman when every other aspect of the relationship is going brilliant. So really, take it as a compliment. It's a good sign of how he views the quality of your relationship.
Author burningashes Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Wow, guys, thanks for the replies! Sorry I took so long to reply, the internet stopped working :/ Lol, okay, I'll accept it as him being a gentleman! I do try to make up for it in other areas like making nice meals for dinner and so on. He asked me if it bothered me that much that he was paying for things and I explained that it was just that I'm a very independent person and like to pay for myself. It isn't that I don't appreciate his gestures, that's just how I am. I guess, the very least I can do is offer so that he knows that the thought is on the table even if he still wants to pay. I'll keep working on being the best girlfriend ever!
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