Author ruggy Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Easy. She does not want short kids. The reverse effect is two tall people in a relationship. They do not want too tall kids. Check this. A colleague of mine, who know works as the admin. school board also seems to have a tough time in finding dates. He's not over-weight, a bit shy of six feet tall, was successful. Sold his company to a large public company for millions and does the school thing as a new chapter in his live. Has a house, decent size, doesn't show off, but has millions in the bank and only 28. He doesn't bring it up much. In fact, it took me a couple of years to even learn that from him by accident. So, even rich well to do self made men are having problems. Must be something in the water that effects females. I guess NYC water isn't that good after all.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Faith in goodness and faith in love (love-in-general, not just romantic relationship love) can take people quite a long way, even absent a long term partner. Because I know I can find strength where I need it, I don't fear being alone at times when I have no option but to be alone. Will I always feel this way? I don't know, but I hope so.
paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I don't understand why you're trying to trap me into giving you the answer you want. If I was 45 and had never been married, I would seriously reconsider what I was looking for and why I hadn't found it. If I came to the conclusion that I was single because of my own choices, then I would accept the consequences. If not, I would simply plow on, just like anyone of any age who hadn't met a certain desire, would have to plow on. From what I know (and I don't know everything), most decent people can find a suitable, if they're willing to make some compromises while still holding on to some requirements. Paddington Bear--I could fall in love with a garbage guy (maybe?), but I wouldn't marry one. It just wouldn't work. That doesn't make me a &*&*#. Sorry. I wasn't suggesting that! Out of curiosity, why wouldn't it work? The smell? Look, it's just that I look at me, single, mid-thirties and I look at my other female friends who're in LTR's or are married and they all say the 2 same things. 1: When it's right, it's just easy, there isn't all the drama and worrying about whether he likes you or not. 2: I always thought I'd end up with someone 'insert specifications', I never thought I'd end up falling for and marrying someone who worked as/looked like/was interested in this.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Yes, I would date a 5'6 guy if I was attracted to him on the whole. YOu're missing my point. Not dating a woman because she was raised in or lived in NYC or DC is just as surface as not dating a guy because he's short. I see what your saying. Just because I friendzone a woman at first doesn't mean I won't date her later. If I met one and started to like her after getting to know her... I would ask her out in a heartbeat. But... I've saved myself at least once by friendzoning a girl from Boston. I went to a party and met her, we spent the whole evening together and she seemed great. I didn't make a move on her because I was still leery about the whole east coast culture thing. Well, at the next party... she slept with two of my coworkers during a 4 hour period. Then stalked one fatal attraction style. She is crazy on a level that girls from around here just aren't... and I'm glad I didn't get involved in that. I firmly believe that women like you who are both successful and down to earth will find someone right for them, loveslife. It might take longer, unfortunately, to find him, but you will! Don't see your good traits as an obstacle, because they're not. Overall, that is good advice. I would add that you should look for someone who is similar to yourself in tates/likes/dislikes.
Author ruggy Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Have you ever considered that they don't actually want a relationship? Plenty of reasons not to have one, some people just aren't suited. Then why are they on a dating site?
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 It's just really important to be able to trust yourself and the choices you make. That doesn't mean you'll always be right. No, you will make mistakes. But to trust yourself to know when you've found someone good--that's invaluable. Paddington Bear, being openminded about your partner doesn't mean going for someone wildly different than you imagined. I think to an extent there's a reason why people conceptualize an ideal partner. It's an ideal yes but can be a template. Just a thought. Don't doubt yourself.
CommitmentPhobe Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Then why are they on a dating site? I don't know, but what people say they want and what they really want are sometimes two different things. Is looking for that ideal soulmate different from looking for a relationship?
paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 It's just really important to be able to trust yourself and the choices you make. That doesn't mean you'll always be right. No, you will make mistakes. But to trust yourself to know when you've found someone good--that's invaluable. Paddington Bear, being openminded about your partner doesn't mean going for someone wildly different than you imagined. I think to an extent there's a reason why people conceptualize an ideal partner. It's an ideal yes but can be a template. Just a thought. Don't doubt yourself. No, that's all I meant, being open-minded. There is simply no point trying to convince yourself that you are ever going to be attracted physically to someone who just doesn't and will never do it for you. Mind you, I'm intrigued by Untouchable Fire talking about making mental adjustments in his reactions in order to create chemistry. I had never thought about that before and wonder if that can actually work long term. And yes, of course a template is good, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that what's on that template should reflect being open-minded as opposed to being a restrictive plan. For instance, I used to only go for guys with dark hair and dark eyes, and who were tall and weren't so skinny. At a later point I surprised myself and ended up totally falling for a guy with white eyelashes, balding and totally skinny. After being with him he kind of opened my eyes to the fact that it's possible for me to fall for someone who wasn't even close to my physical ideal and meant I broadened my horizons somewhat.
BCCA Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I don't understand why you're trying to trap me into giving you the answer you want. If I was 45 and had never been married, I would seriously reconsider what I was looking for and why I hadn't found it. I didnt mean to trap you into anything, and this is exactly what I was looking for. Just curious if a time would come when you would re-evaluate your standards, thats all. Didnt mean to pick on you personally.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Isolde, you said 'you never know why someone is single so don't judge'. I think the OP was wondering from a male perspective why he is still single and can't find anyone that lasts beyond the first date, and maybe feels that he can't match some unrealistic expectations. It didn't come across to me as a rant against single women, simply against women who constantly knocked him back, always thinking there is someone better out there. I've been rejected by guys and it didn't occur to me to rant if they chose to reject me and remain single. If anything, I would think something along the lines of "their loss" (even though it wasn't really their loss, just their preferences). Sometimes people will reject for arbitrary reasons, that is true. But I think it's generally more complex than that. Sometimes you just don't feel all that comfortable around someone, and on top of it he's 5'7. Doesn't mean I wouldn't date a 5'7 guy, though.
Chicago_Guy Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Women today are labeled as the 'sex in the city' generation, because they honestly expect life to be an HBO show, where Mr. Perfect comes along when they least expect it. Women constantly hedge their bets with good guys, string people a long, and totally crap on decent guys, always hoping that someone even better comes a long. Most socioligists feel like once this generation gets to 40+, there is going to be a serious glut of single women who will probably never have children. I think you are correct - there are a lot of fairly attractive women who will probably never have children, even though they really did want to get married and have children, because they have unbelievably unrealistic expectations. I think that a lot of women waste the best years of their lives dating around waiting for Mr. Perfect, who never arrives. By the time they reach their mid 30s, they've become so bitter and jaded and their looks have faded and nobody wants them. I live in a big city and have met many women like this who have expectations which are completely out of line with what they bring to the table.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I'm intrigued by Untouchable Fire talking about making mental adjustments in his reactions in order to create chemistry. I had never thought about that before and wonder if that can actually work long term. Yes, I think it could work on a first date but you don't want to be trying too hard to force things, you know? Fine balance.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 If you hate it when a woman talks about her cats, whereas she enjoys it, then isn’t that an example of how the two of you are incompatible and/or lack chemistry? Why then can’t you make the same “mental” adjustment in order to "make" chemistry? That is a very simple question to answer. What is happening is I am allowing my selfishness to dictate my levels of attraction. Like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum, inside I am screaming... "I want to talk about things I care about". When I stop and consider how she feels about her cats... then suddenly I'm not throwing a tantrum anymore... I'm interested to know why she feels this way about them. The conversation becomes fun and interesting. Incompatibility/Lack of Chemistry... usually comes down to core values. She is focused on being keeping up with the Jones, and I want to have fun.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I didnt mean to trap you into anything, and this is exactly what I was looking for. Just curious if a time would come when you would re-evaluate your standards, thats all. Didnt mean to pick on you personally. Ok BCCA everyone's lives unfold differently. It's so hard to say what you will feel 20 years in the future. All I can say personally is that I've already given a ton of thought to my standards (wants and needs) and whether they are reasonable, and my friends all think I am reasonable, and no they're not SATC types.
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I'm getting tired (Maybe because I'm old and single ) but have learned a lot from this thread and wanted to leave another message before I take my nap or go to the early bird special at the diner (hahahaha sorry, am being silly.) As a woman in her 40s who is single I will say that I have made a lot of mistakes but actually feel less desperate and needy and insecure than I did ten years ago. I think if you had asked me then how it would feel to be in my 40's and "still single" I would have panicked. Now, it doesn't seem so old or so bad. I'd like to have kids, but there's always adoption and I've always felt if it's meant to be, it will be. I agree with those who have said that when it's right it's easy. My most meaningful relationships have started out quite effortlessly. And with the wisdom of hindsight makes me wonder why I've ever bothered with the tiresome, difficult ones. I don't worry that I won't find The Right One because I feel comfortable in my skin now (something I never did in my 20's and 30's) and I just can't worry about things I can't control. Like I've said, I find working on myself much more effective than trying to catch someone. Now I'm rambling! And I don't want to go on too long here because it's starting to feel like I'm standing up for all us poor women over 40. When in reality, the women I know over 40 are a lot more secure and happy than the general female population I'm aware of who are under 40. (But maybe that's because we're pretty pretty princesses ) But thanks for the nice words, Isolde. Like I said, I've made a lot of mistakes but I'm still kicking so I'm not worried. I don't think it's so tough "out there" I think the tough place is in my own minds.
Chicago_Guy Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I think that a lot of the time men find more gratification with a woman they can satisfy with material things. It's really easy to find a man who will be happy with you as their "pretty, pretty princess." These women follow "the rules" and generally live up to expectations. The down-to-earth, kind woman might be too much of a burden for a man who is trying to succeed in the ways men are culturally trained to want to succeed. I've never needed a man to support me financially and I think that has actually been a hindrance to "true love" for me. I've always felt that way at least. I don't agree with that at all. I make good money, but I actually prefer a woman who is self-sufficient.
paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 That is a very simple question to answer. What is happening is I am allowing my selfishness to dictate my levels of attraction. Like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum, inside I am screaming... "I want to talk about things I care about". When I stop and consider how she feels about her cats... then suddenly I'm not throwing a tantrum anymore... I'm interested to know why she feels this way about them. The conversation becomes fun and interesting. Incompatibility/Lack of Chemistry... usually comes down to core values. She is focused on being keeping up with the Jones, and I want to have fun. Lol! I guess we are all like 2 year olds sometimes in grown up bodies. I have to say though, I don't know if your mental adjustment creates chemistry, it's simply being polite and therefore makes your date feel like you're totally interested while she babbles on about Fluffy and Moppet. I mean what is chemistry? There's of course the chemistry of getting excited when you find out you have things in common and enjoy sharing your opinions about that, but then there's the scientific chemistry, basically your body smells someone else with a different genetic makeup to yours. Your body thinks 'YES! Finally! Someone to make healthy babies with' - you get that kind of unconscious genetic body chemistry and being able to talk and laugh with the person you're with, then that, I think is real chemistry, and is the one that we're all chasing.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 BCCA everyone's lives unfold differently. It's so hard to say what you will feel 20 years in the future. All I can say personally is that I've already given a ton of thought to my standards (wants and needs) and whether they are reasonable, and my friends all think I am reasonable, and no they're not SATC types. For what it's worth, I read a thread of yours a while back... and I thought your standards where very reasonable. Did you read the article that was posted at the beginning of this thread. "Why is it Okay to settle for Mr Good Enough" I just have a horrible gut reaction to this authors point of view. What are your thoughts?
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Thanks Untouchable. My reaction to the Gottlieb article was :sick: too. One more point I want to make in this thread which I've already rambled far too much in. Relationships and marriage are two very different things. It makes sense to be far pickier personality and values-wise with a prospective marriage partner than someone you're just dating. ESPECIALLY if kids are going to be involved. This is why I don't think women who have never married can be said to be too picky. On the other hand, a woman who hasn't been in an R by 40? Yeah, she's almost definitely too picky. 2 different scenarios.
Bells Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Easy. She does not want short kids. The reverse effect is two tall people in a relationship. They do not want too tall kids. Check this. A colleague of mine, who know works as the admin. school board also seems to have a tough time in finding dates. He's not over-weight, a bit shy of six feet tall, was successful. Sold his company to a large public company for millions and does the school thing as a new chapter in his live. Has a house, decent size, doesn't show off, but has millions in the bank and only 28. He doesn't bring it up much. In fact, it took me a couple of years to even learn that from him by accident. So, even rich well to do self made men are having problems. Must be something in the water that effects females. I guess NYC water isn't that good after all. Regardless....even if a woman decides NOT to have kids...she'll STILL want a taller man because it makes her "feel safe"
Chicago_Guy Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I think that woman should be picky and almost need to be picky to a certain extent. A beautiful woman who has a lot going for herself should hold out for someone really good. However, I think that the men on this thread have a problem with the average-type girl who expects to meet and be swept off her feet by a guy who is basically out of her league.
mr.dream merchant Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Its really society's fault. Women were brought up to be hot commodities, sought after by floods of men. Men were brought up to try and be a knight in shining armor so he can win over the most sought after chick. Not only that but its supply and demand, like dude Glen Quagmire was saying. Women can pick and choose, and set their standards dumb high because...well...they can. They command dick. They command it so ridiculously that a average looking chick could stand on the side of a busy road with just underwear on and a sign that says single and looking and I'm sure at least 50 guys will try to **** her. Guys on the other hand, are always in need/want of pussy because we do not get it so easily. I only get to bone my shorty 3 times a week if I'm lucky. Anyways, the point of this post is, chicks set their standards really high because they can. And because dumb guys will try and fit those standards instead of telling her to go **** herself if she doesn't want dude for him. Once, just once, I want to go chit chat a hot chick up and then look down at her feet tell her no thanks because of the type of shoes she's wearing...lmao. Or be like "Oh is that your G35 Coupe out there? Ahhhh...sssss...yeaaaaaah.....I'm actually not looking right now sorry..." And then walk out of the place with an uglier chick or be like "Oh you work at Sears? Oh that's nice..." *Get up, exits bar*. That **** would be too funny.
paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Thanks Untouchable. My reaction to the Gottlieb article was :sick: too. One more point I want to make in this thread which I've already rambled far too much in. Relationships and marriage are two very different things. It makes sense to be far pickier personality and values-wise with a prospective marriage partner than someone you're just dating. ESPECIALLY if kids are going to be involved. This is why I don't think women who have never married can be said to be too picky. On the other hand, a woman who hasn't been in an R by 40? Yeah, she's almost definitely too picky. 2 different scenarios. I think that actually in your 20's you should be picky, that's what being in your 20's are all about, feeling young, like your whole life is ahead of you, making mistakes, it's when you get older and realise you are no longer 20, and nor are the guys around you that the overly-picky attitude might need to be adjusted. Here's another article for anyone who's interested re: how to find love at 30 (for women), the author mentions how she had to adjust her list of requirements. http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article5418730.ece
dateyounow Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 There is someone out there for everyone. Some of us have to go through alot of people, lol.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Lol! I guess we are all like 2 year olds sometimes in grown up bodies. I have to say though, I don't know if your mental adjustment creates chemistry, it's simply being polite and therefore makes your date feel like you're totally interested while she babbles on about Fluffy and Moppet. I mean what is chemistry? There's of course the chemistry of getting excited when you find out you have things in common and enjoy sharing your opinions about that, but then there's the scientific chemistry, basically your body smells someone else with a different genetic makeup to yours. Your body thinks 'YES! Finally! Someone to make healthy babies with' - you get that kind of unconscious genetic body chemistry and being able to talk and laugh with the person you're with, then that, I think is real chemistry, and is the one that we're all chasing. Yes, it does create Chemistry, remember there are different types. Some women want the kind of chemistry where they feel like your the same person... like, we are so similar. How many times have you heard a woman say "we have so much in common" when talking about a guy she likes. Some women want sexual chemistry. The best way to have this is to dress great, have good hygiene, be very confident, and be very conscious of your body language. At times be somewhat sexually suggestive. Some women want fun and adventure. Some women want comfortable chemistry. Some women want the old opposites attract.... ect. See, if you think chemistry is just two people who exude matching pheromones your totally missing it. Your brain controls everything... even the release of hormones. So, you can create a physical response within someone with your words, actions, or body language. It really is the most important part.
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