Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I think there's a definite culture in NYC of being "retardedly picky" about choosing a mate. And it can be blatantly unforgiving of any shortcomings. But it's not everyone and this area has a lot of good things going for it. So, there is some truth to what you say. I do see it but it's not everyone. Some people eventually change their tune about what's important. It may be just a matter of perspective. I grew up in a small town out west. I expected everything to be fantastic and wonderful in the big city and it just wasn't. There were lots of great people, but the underlying cultural currents just felt all wrong to me. Even when people were doing great things like trying to save the environment... it was just about making themselves feel important. It all felt cold, impersonal, and self centered. For example, when I date somebody I like, I make my schedule open to them, I pay for dates, I don't date other people at the same time, I don't nit pick things that they do or say... ect. While I had many women interested in me, and dated quite a bit... I rarely found a woman that would put the effort into dating that I would. I really got tired of a lack of reciprocation. Out west it's a little different. Maybe that is because dating isn't like shoe shopping where there is always a bigger better deal around the corner. Maybe the lower population density makes for higher quality people? I don't know. Moral of the story is... if I meet a woman and she was raised on the east coast... We are going to be friends first for a while. I'm not going to date her until I get a good feel for who she is as a person.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I've heard dating is difficult in big cities on the west coast as well. Untouchable Fire, I think it's a bit much that you automatically friendzone any woman raised on the east coast. You may be driving away women that are interested in you.
Author ruggy Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 You don't want to be settled for, so don't expect women to settle. This whole "I'm not Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie" thing is just an excuse people use to avoid looking at the real question of what they have to offer others. If you're believe you're average in every way, why would women think differently? Give yourself more credit, ruggy. You do have a point. However, getting the attention from those women is the issue. Many pass over or are flakey. Since I work at a private school, there is a strict policy of not dating co-workers. So I am out of luck there. These dating sites are not worth much. I got Match for around 7 bucks a month for a year. I guess you get what you pay for.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 You don't want to be settled for, so don't expect women to settle. This whole "I'm not Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie" thing is just an excuse people use to avoid looking at the real question of what they have to offer others. If you're believe you're average in every way, why would women think differently? Give yourself more credit, ruggy. I agree. I just read that whole article on Mr. Good Enough... and I think that her advice is stupid. I'm not going to marry someone just so I'm not alone. That is pathetic. Her problem is this... she is looking for some magical chemical spark, and she figures if she can't get it... then she has to settle. When are people going to figure out that you create that spark with someone. If your not getting butterfly feelings from someone who is a quality person... it means your broken. Life is not for the lazy.
BCCA Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Women today are labeled as the 'sex in the city' generation, because they honestly expect life to be an HBO show, where Mr. Perfect comes along when they least expect it. Women constantly hedge their bets with good guys, string people a long, and totally crap on decent guys, always hoping that someone even better comes a long. Most socioligists feel like once this generation gets to 40+, there is going to be a serious glut of single women who will probably never have children. "Settling" is such a harsh word, it really makes me mad. No one ever thinks of it like comprimising, give and take, or anything like that. No, if everything isnt 100% perfect, they cant stay or they would be "settling" Absurd. Dating in California sucks, too. I've been 'interviewed' on so many dates, and women come right out and ask how much you make, which to me was just classless, but I guess the norm now. Even if you make good money, have all your hair, and are a decent guy, youre still not enough to conquer what 'Mr. Perfect' might have when/if he comes along. The grass is always greener...
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 When are people going to figure out that you create that spark with someone. If your not getting butterfly feelings from someone who is a quality person... it means your broken. Life is not for the lazy. Some people have more chemistry together than others, so I don't think it's wrong to wait for a chemistry that stands out, but you're right that many people expect something dramatic and immediate.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I've heard dating is difficult in big cities on the west coast as well. Untouchable Fire, I think it's a bit much that you automatically friendzone any woman raised on the east coast. You may be driving away women that are interested in you. I hear the west coast tends to suck for women more than men. Yes, I do friendzone east coasters, but I don't think it has hurt me much. Maybe if I was hard up for a date it might be an issue, but I do well enough that I think it saves me some hassle. Besides, I'm not single right now anyway. I'm not sure if you read my last thread, but I'm dating the woman from work that shot me down a year ago because I'm Caucasian. Dating someone with a different ethnic background can honestly have a whole new set of things that irritate you, but if you find the right person it's totally worth it!
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 One thing I've learned through my decades of dating (liked that illiteration) and relationships is that it can take a long time to really know someone. I'm pretty put off by this attitude of formulaic getting to know someone. Like if you haven't made out by the third date, what's the point. And it exists. Very few people are going to be perfect on paper but I gotta feel sometimes like "sweet" and "loving" never even make it onto the page. Let alone actually liking the person you get involved with.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Why all the venom towards older single women on this board? Every man and woman on earth, reserves the right to be as picky as they want to be. If they are single forever, that's THEIR choice and THEIR consequences to face, not yours. You never know exactly why someone is single so don't judge Many people on this board waited a long time to find someone that was compatible with them. If they had settled just so they would fit someone else's ideas of what they should do, they might never have met the right guy. There are materialistic women who are never single and incredibly down to earth, kind women who are almost always single. The SATC phenom you guys speak of is almost entirely a myth. Entitled princess types, have always always existed; it's just that now, women don't have that pressure to marry that they used to, so are more likely to hold out for someone they really like, whether they're a self entitled princess or not.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Yes, I do friendzone east coasters, but I don't think it has hurt me much. Maybe if I was hard up for a date it might be an issue, but I do well enough that I think it saves me some hassle. Well, that is your preference. I don't care about birthplace but my preference is that a guy be above 5'8. You're picky, so don't complain, if you meet picky women.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Some people have more chemistry together than others, so I don't think it's wrong to wait for a chemistry that stands out, but you're right that many people expect something dramatic and immediate. All I am saying is that you have to make chemistry. I think that action works different for women than for men... but the premise holds true. If everything about the guy is great... but your just not feeling it... that usually means you have serious mental issues. I've caught myself a few times dating a woman and thinking... I just hate it when she talks about her cats... Ughhh. When that happens I make some mental adjustments and then I'm feeling it. I have fun with the conversation, and it creates chemistry. So, people that think they are settling are usually just pretentious fools.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I'm not one to talk to, about rejecting guys. I think my expectations are reasonable and I can count the number of guys I"ve rejected, on one hand. But that's not the point; I don't really agree with what you're saying about chemistry. I think sometimes it just isn't there, for no good reason. We'll just have to agree to disagree.
BCCA Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 The SATC phenom you guys speak of is almost entirely a myth. Entitled princess types, have always always existed I didnt make it up, and Ive never seen the show. The phrase was coined by sociologists who study human behavior. And if its a myth, than how has it always existed? Look, Im not saying settle with the next guy you meet, but a fair share of women out there are more than willing to point out a guys fault, but generally arent at all willing to look at themselves. I'm not saying all or most, but this is an issue with dating today. Honestly, would you rather be alone forever or settle for a guy that leaves the toilet seat up every now and again and wants to watch football on Sundays instead of go to your sister's daughter's piano practice?
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Well, that is your preference. I don't care about birthplace but my preference is that a guy be above 5'8. You're picky, so don't complain, if you meet picky women. I am picky... about personality. I think that is something everyone should be picky about. LOL... above 5'8. You would not consider dating anyone shorter? My best friend lives in Jersey, is a great overall guy, and works as a pilot... but he is only 5'6. The guy is really good looking too. Do you ever make exceptions? I mean... there are sometimes when picky makes sense... and there are others when it just doesn't.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I'm not one to talk to, about rejecting guys. I think my expectations are reasonable and I can count the number of guys I"ve rejected, on one hand. But that's not the point; I don't really agree with what you're saying about chemistry. I think sometimes it just isn't there, for no good reason. We'll just have to agree to disagree. Actually, I do agree with that. Sometimes it just isn't there. I really don't think you have issues with chemistry Isolde. Women that do have this problem tend to pass up solid steady guys for unreliable jerks, with no real definable reason other than the idea of chemistry. I'd say it's no more than 10-15% of the female population.
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 There are materialistic women who are never single and incredibly down to earth, kind women who are almost always single. I think that a lot of the time men find more gratification with a woman they can satisfy with material things. It's really easy to find a man who will be happy with you as their "pretty, pretty princess." These women follow "the rules" and generally live up to expectations. The down-to-earth, kind woman might be too much of a burden for a man who is trying to succeed in the ways men are culturally trained to want to succeed. I've never needed a man to support me financially and I think that has actually been a hindrance to "true love" for me. I've always felt that way at least.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I am picky... about personality. I think that is something everyone should be picky about. LOL... above 5'8. You would not consider dating anyone shorter? My best friend lives in Jersey, is a great overall guy, and works as a pilot... but he is only 5'6. The guy is really good looking too. Do you ever make exceptions? I mean... there are sometimes when picky makes sense... and there are others when it just doesn't. Yes, I would date a 5'6 guy if I was attracted to him on the whole. YOu're missing my point. Not dating a woman because she was raised in or lived in NYC or DC is just as surface as not dating a guy because he's short.
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Well, that is your preference. I don't care about birthplace but my preference is that a guy be above 5'8. You're picky, so don't complain, if you meet picky women. Seriously? Above 5'8"? That sounds kinda warped to me. Mind me asking why?
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I firmly believe that women like you who are both successful and down to earth will find someone right for them, loveslife. It might take longer, unfortunately, to find him, but you will! Don't see your good traits as an obstacle, because they're not.
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Seriously? Above 5'8"? That sounds kinda warped to me. Mind me asking why? It's not warped, it's a preference, not a need.
BCCA Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I firmly believe that successful and kind women will find someone right for them, loveslife. It might take longer, unfortunately, to find him, but you will! Don't see your good traits as an obstacle, because they're not. Would you still feel the same way if you were 45 and had never been married? Just curious.
paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Why all the venom towards older single women on this board? Every man and woman on earth, reserves the right to be as picky as they want to be. If they are single forever, that's THEIR choice and THEIR consequences to face, not yours. You never know exactly why someone is single so don't judge Many people on this board waited a long time to find someone that was compatible with them. If they had settled just so they would fit someone else's ideas of what they should do, they might never have met the right guy. There are materialistic women who are never single and incredibly down to earth, kind women who are almost always single. The SATC phenom you guys speak of is almost entirely a myth. Entitled princess types, have always always existed; it's just that now, women don't have that pressure to marry that they used to, so are more likely to hold out for someone they really like, whether they're a self entitled princess or not. Isolde, you said 'you never know why someone is single so don't judge'. I think the OP was wondering from a male perspective why he is still single and can't find anyone that lasts beyond the first date, and maybe feels that he can't match some unrealistic expectations. It didn't come across to me as a rant against single women, simply against women who constantly knocked him back, always thinking there is someone better out there. Female friends of mine who lived in New York told me in disbelief of some of the 'entitled princess behaviour' that they witnessed from women there. Does that mean every women in NY is like that? No, but as I mentioned before, certain places have a general character to their citizens. For example the 'I'm not dating American women' thread - I live in Europe and while the poster of that lumped all European women together as easier to bed and easier to deal with, it doesn't mean that that is necessarily always the case, however in terms of a general Europe compared to America it's probably true. But within Europe there are always differences from country to country and likewise in the States. You can say that generally French women tend to think like this, or Italian women are like that. I think the same probably holds true for the New Yorkers. Anyway, thing is, I'm totally pissed off too that I'm single, angered that no guy that I like seems to see the value in me. Life is just totally unfair sometimes. And I think we all need to define 'settling'. Settling to me, is saying: 'ach well, this guy who I'm really not attracted to, don't have much in common with, but who's nice enough and my biological clock is ticking, so I'll take him because there doesn't seem to be anyone else out there'. Then there is simply growing up and realising that maybe your dream man could work as a garbage man and not necessarily a high-powered lawyer, that maybe someone who treats you well, who you can laugh with and trust is more important than all the things that you thought were soooo important when you were younger. To me that is distinctly opposed to settling. And yes, we do all have the right to hang out there for the right one, it's more that the right one might not come in the packaging that you thought, and simply that it's good to be open to that concept.
BubblyPopcorn Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 All I am saying is that you have to make chemistry. I think that action works different for women than for men... but the premise holds true. If everything about the guy is great... but your just not feeling it... that usually means you have serious mental issues. I've caught myself a few times dating a woman and thinking... I just hate it when she talks about her cats... Ughhh. When that happens I make some mental adjustments and then I'm feeling it. I have fun with the conversation, and it creates chemistry. So, people that think they are settling are usually just pretentious fools. If you hate it when a woman talks about her cats, whereas she enjoys it, then isn’t that an example of how the two of you are incompatible and/or lack chemistry? Why then can’t you make the same “mental” adjustment in order to "make" chemistry?
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Would you still feel the same way if you were 45 and had never been married? Just curious. I don't understand why you're trying to trap me into giving you the answer you want. If I was 45 and had never been married, I would seriously reconsider what I was looking for and why I hadn't found it. If I came to the conclusion that I was single because of my own choices, then I would accept the consequences. If not, I would simply plow on, just like anyone of any age who hadn't met a certain desire, would have to plow on. From what I know (and I don't know everything), most decent people can find a suitable, if they're willing to make some compromises while still holding on to some requirements. Paddington Bear--I could fall in love with a garbage guy (maybe?), but I wouldn't marry one. It just wouldn't work. That doesn't make me a &*&*#. Sorry.
CommitmentPhobe Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Sorry, I just don't understand. It makes no sense. Maybe its the New York State of mind. Have you ever considered that they don't actually want a relationship? Plenty of reasons not to have one, some people just aren't suited.
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