ruggy Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 A lot of the women I see always say they are looking for average guy, stable guy, job, average looks or better, and a connection. However, when it gets down to the nitty gritty, they really want Brad Pitt. Then again, I saw a woman I used to date a few years ago, and guess what... She's still looking. No one has met her high standards apparently. Granted, she's still a knock out, but her comment was I do not feel the 100% connection on every level. And no, I was not trying to get with her again. But seriously, why are many of them women so stubborn on their "requirements" then question why they are not in a relationship? Sorry, I just don't understand. It makes no sense. Maybe its the New York State of mind.
paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Little girl brought up on stories of handsome prince's on white horses rescusing princesses from towers/dragons. Girl grows up, realises men aren't quite like that in reality. During her 20's she then compiles an unconscious mental list of her perfect guy. By the time she's a bit older and wiser she should realise that looks, what kind of clothes the guy wears and so on actually are not that important and re-adjust her list. Some women are stuck with that 'perfect requirements list' from when they were younger. May I point out that this is likewise with guys. An ex of mine said that when a teenager him and his friends all (of course) wanted pin up model girls with large breasts but then as they got older realised that real women were not all like this and that it was ok to be attracted to fatter, taller, slimmer, uglier, older women and not adhere to the peer pressure to seek out teenage boys version of perfection.
paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I read an article by an English journalist, he'd read that the ratio of women to men in NY meant that there were far more women than men and that the women there were always complaining about the lack of suitable men. So off he goes to NY and gets the shock of his life. No one wants him. Dates consist of being a job interview, how much money do you earn per year, where do you see yourself in 5 years and so on. At the end of the article his take on it was that sure there were lots of single women there but that they had too high expectations, he said that he as a balding journalist from England with a reasonable salary was, in the eyes of the NY girls, not worth pursuing, so therefore their complaints about lack of suitable men were actually complaints about lack of 'perfect' non-existing men.
tinklebell Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 A lot of the women I see always say they are looking for average guy, stable guy, job, average looks or better, and a connection. However, when it gets down to the nitty gritty, they really want Brad Pitt. Then again, I saw a woman I used to date a few years ago, and guess what... She's still looking. No one has met her high standards apparently. Granted, she's still a knock out, but her comment was I do not feel the 100% connection on every level. And no, I was not trying to get with her again. But seriously, why are many of them women so stubborn on their "requirements" then question why they are not in a relationship? Sorry, I just don't understand. It makes no sense. Maybe its the New York State of mind. What about your expectations? What do you expect of a woman before you'd date her? I think everyone's looking for that somebody but does it mean people have to give up on finding someone they feel comfortable with instead of settling? Sure, if it's just about the looks and other superficial criteria, then that's expecting too much. But some of my friends said they would rather not date than settle. Maybe things have changed since the time of Tarzan and Jane. But I agree that if people have too high a standard, they (I don't mean you) shouldn't complain.
Author ruggy Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Sure, I can relate. Well, not to the balding part. I just think it would be better for all if people just level with eachother and not shoot for the moon. Cause chances are, most are not going to get a Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie type of look. Still don't understand where you can connect on each level and have the interest of a relationship but cause it is not exploding yet kill it dead. Drives me crazy. Literally. My standards. Well, average looks but athletic/lean body type. At least college educated, employed, is on their own. I.E. not being supported my mommy and daddy. Somewhat stable. drug free, and has their head on their shoulders. Has knowledge about what's going on outside their own world. Independent. Is that too much to ask? Its not really me who has a problem picking the woman. Its the woman reciprocating my interest. Many flake me off. In terms of the date not settle comment. When we approached the topic on our second date, she said if she does not find a man by 35 (3 yrs away), she'd just adopt a kid and be fine. I knew then she was fiercely independent and stubborn. I guess that is what a lot of women may do if they cannot find their ideal man. You know. Looks like Pitt, brains/money like Gates. The 90's were so much easier.
paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 What about your expectations? What do you expect of a woman before you'd date her? I think everyone's looking for that somebody but does it mean people have to give up on finding someone they feel comfortable with instead of settling? Sure, if it's just about the looks and other superficial criteria, then that's expecting too much. But some of my friends said they would rather not date than settle. Maybe things have changed since the time of Tarzan and Jane. But I agree that if people have too high a standard, they (I don't mean you) shouldn't complain. Yeah I don't think settling is good either, more that as you get more mature you realise that some of your absolute must-have's are really a load of meaningless crap and that other qualities are more important. More an adjustment of your attitude to reflect your maturity and the experiences with members of the opposite sex that you learned from. Dating is tiring and boring and produces negligble results, but then I guess you've to kiss a lot of frogs...or in your case frogesses before you find your prince/princess. I too have connected with men on every level and they too have flaked out on me. On the reverse side I went on a date with a very nice guy recently, we laughed a lot, got on very well, but for me there wasn't much of a spark. I'm meeting him again so that I'm not discounting him immediately which I think would be unfair, but if I'm still not feeling it, it's not fair of me either to keep him strung along. Sometimes, no matter how good the conversation is, the chemistry just isn't there. When it happens to me, it feels terrible 'what's so wrong with me? I thought we really connected', it's a blow to your self-esteem, but then when the shoe is on the other foot, you realise that actually, it's just life. Wishing you luck in your search, she's out there somewhere in that big city!
tinklebell Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Just a thought that came from this thread. I've been following LS for a few weeks now and there are so many people here looking for that somebody but either haven't found or having problems with. I've always wondered where all the single, reasonably normal people were and I think there are many here (though I can't verify that they're all normal and sane ).
on_point Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Just a thought that came from this thread. I've been following LS for a few weeks now and there are so many people here looking for that somebody but either haven't found or having problems with. I've always wondered where all the single, reasonably normal people were and I think there are many here (though I can't verify that they're all normal and sane ). 100% agree with this
Bells Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 A lot of the women I see always say they are looking for average guy, stable guy, job, average looks or better, and a connection. However, when it gets down to the nitty gritty, they really want Brad Pitt. Then again, I saw a woman I used to date a few years ago, and guess what... She's still looking. No one has met her high standards apparently. Granted, she's still a knock out, but her comment was I do not feel the 100% connection on every level. And no, I was not trying to get with her again. But seriously, why are many of them women so stubborn on their "requirements" then question why they are not in a relationship? Sorry, I just don't understand. It makes no sense. Maybe its the New York State of mind. Just Google "The Husband Store" It's a portrayal of how people (or in this case women) thinks there's the Bigger Better Deal. Of course, this is more common with women than men, because this is commonly frequent with women. I mean, I am aware that their are unrealistically picky men out there, but I would have to say, it's more women than men because women are calling the shots on who they choose. There's a rule of thumb here (the percentages are just a guesstimate) that a large percentage of single women only pursue a very small percentage of single men (the tall, dark and handsome types the expect to be no less than 6 feet tall, and have Superman quality physical features) Another good source that represents how women are these days is this article and video on the TODAY Show "Why is it Okay to settle for Mr Good Enough" I must've read and re-read this article/video a few times, and I couldn't believe how dead on it was about the single women of today. It's funny when that group of women who were engaged ordating a guy taht could have been a future father for their children that, "If they regretted dumping the guy they were engaged to" they said, "No, not at all!" Of course they'll say no on public television, but chances are they probably felt SOME regret that they passed up a good thing for the Bigger Better Deal (acronymed the BBD). Now they're aging single women wondering if they made the right decision in dumping them (the men they could have had a possible future at their side) Now, I don't condone "settle" but they do make sense about this "fading line" between settling and and compromising. A lot of women will call changing their standards for "settling" for less whent he decide to date a guy that's shorter than their stingent height requirement. I say GOOD for them....it's NOT settling, it's just being realistic. I would say it's great if, as a single woman, you decide to go ahead and give the man with the receding hairline a shot! Right? The word "Settle vs Compromise" can be compared to "Confidence vs. Cocky" The people that see the "cocky" person, will see them as such. While the "cocky" person considers themselves "confident" While "Settling" is actually being confused with "realistic" It's time to let some single women realize that it's okay to change your standards to the shorter or balding average Joe. Little girl brought up on stories of handsome prince's on white horses rescusing princesses from towers/dragons. Girl grows up LOL....yeah, what's surprising is I see some personal ads that have the headliner, "Looking for my prince to whisk me off!" Then I see how old she is "40" LOL! I thought there was a certain age that this kind of thinking stopped. I can understand young college aged 20-something women thinking this.
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Honestly, I think we're all desensitized to emotional connectedness. Technology as well as the media have made being emotionally available much less likely. It's all blips and bytes and an image that creates a mold nobody fits. Let's face it, what we remember is how somebody makes us feel. And nowadays we're being inundated with really warped ideas of how this or that should make us feel. Nobody knows themselves anymore. Hahahaha just my impression. I'd like a nice, sweet, fun, smart guy who treats me well. And I'm not interested in looking for him on a dating website. But isn't everybody looking for everything online these days?
Author ruggy Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Just Google "The Husband Store" It's a portrayal of how people (or in this case women) thinks there's the Bigger Better Deal. Of course, this is more common with women than men, because this is commonly frequent with women. I mean, I am aware that their are unrealistically picky men out there, but I would have to say, it's more women than men because women are calling the shots on who they choose. There's a rule of thumb here (the percentages are just a guesstimate) that a large percentage of single women only pursue a very small percentage of single men (the tall, dark and handsome types the expect to be no less than 6 feet tall, and have Superman quality physical features) Another good source that represents how women are these days is this article and video on the TODAY Show "Why is it Okay to settle for Mr Good Enough" I must've read and re-read this article/video a few times, and I couldn't believe how dead on it was about the single women of today. It's funny when that group of women who were engaged ordating a guy taht could have been a future father for their children that, "If they regretted dumping the guy they were engaged to" they said, "No, not at all!" Of course they'll say no on public television, but chances are they probably felt SOME regret that they passed up a good thing for the Bigger Better Deal (acronymed the BBD). Now they're aging single women wondering if they made the right decision in dumping them (the men they could have had a possible future at their side) Now, I don't condone "settle" but they do make sense about this "fading line" between settling and and compromising. A lot of women will call changing their standards for "settling" for less whent he decide to date a guy that's shorter than their stingent height requirement. I say GOOD for them....it's NOT settling, it's just being realistic. I would say it's great if, as a single woman, you decide to go ahead and give the man with the receding hairline a shot! Right? The word "Settle vs Compromise" can be compared to "Confidence vs. Cocky" The people that see the "cocky" person, will see them as such. While the "cocky" person considers themselves "confident" While "Settling" is actually being confused with "realistic" It's time to let some single women realize that it's okay to change your standards to the shorter or balding average Joe. LOL....yeah, what's surprising is I see some personal ads that have the headliner, "Looking for my prince to whisk me off!" Then I see how old she is "40" LOL! I thought there was a certain age that this kind of thinking stopped. I can understand young college aged 20-something women thinking this. Wow. Some of those women are exactly like the ex. I.E. she'll just get donor sperm if she does not find the right man and live on. Amazing.
2sure Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 To the OP. Its all relative and all of the previous advice is valid. But just so you know you arent crazy: Its magnified in NYC big time. You are not imagining it. People reach very very high.
paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 While I chipped in earlier on this post in agreement that some women should maybe loosen up a bit with their high expectations, I'd like to make another point. Ruggy, while obviously you've experienced a string of similar dates, ending in the same scenario, and while I do think depending on where you live the general attitudes of the inhabitants there affects their dating style, I'd see you said 'they were exactly like the ex'. You obviously don't want a woman like your ex. However, recently I've noticed repeating patterns in the guys I attract and am attracted to. Sometimes you're so focused on what you don't want, that you draw that very thing to you. Write a list of positive qualities that you do want, instead of focusing on what you don't want, and read it regularly until it's stuck in your head. That way you might recognise the warning signals of the type of woman you don't want very very early on and won't even ask her out on a date in the first place. I draw emtionally needy, sensitive, confused guys to me like magnets. I want to be kind and caring and blah blah, but actually what I really want is an equal partnership and not a mother son relationship, so it's up to me to change my own attitude and instead of reaching out instantly to help these types of guys, let them go and help themselves, thus, I hope changing the dynamic and attracting someone more suitable to my needs. I also read something interesting recently: that when you become more emotionally healthy yourself, you will notice that the people you attract into your life are more 'normal' (for lack of a better term), the first one or 5 might not be ideal, but are a step forward from your usual pattern, so you know you're on the right track. That really struck a chord with me. Failing all that, just move out of new york to pastures new
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I also read something interesting recently: that when you become more emotionally healthy yourself, you will notice that the people you attract into your life are more 'normal' (for lack of a better term), the first one or 5 might not be ideal, but are a step forward from your usual pattern, so you know you're on the right track. That really struck a chord with me. Failing all that, just move out of new york to pastures new I have found this to be true for me. I've worked on my issues, aiming to become a better, healthier, happier person and am starting to attract a better caliber of men. The most recent wasn't quite right but definitely a BIG step in the right direction. And I live in NYC and am over 40. Am I to be considered an abberation? That article and video really made me wanna choke or something. I'm *not* lying when I say that I am not worried or desperate. Yeah, I'd like a great, healthy relationship but that can happen anytime, at any age, even for us gals in our 40s. I think I was more desperate in my early to mid-30s. There was a lot of pressure. But maybe as you get older you start to get a better idea of how life flows. Not all those beautiful, white weddings in our 20s ended happily ever after. People live and learn. But I am familiar with the mentality they're dealing with - it's out there.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 A lot of the women I see always say they are looking for average guy, stable guy, job, average looks or better, and a connection. However, when it gets down to the nitty gritty, they really want Brad Pitt. Then again, I saw a woman I used to date a few years ago, and guess what... She's still looking. No one has met her high standards apparently. Granted, she's still a knock out, but her comment was I do not feel the 100% connection on every level. And no, I was not trying to get with her again. But seriously, why are many of them women so stubborn on their "requirements" then question why they are not in a relationship? Sorry, I just don't understand. It makes no sense. Maybe its the New York State of mind. Get out of NYC. The highest concentration of crappy women in the WORLD live in the stretch of area from DC to Boston. There are enough good ones sprinkled in there to give you hope... but by and large most of those women are trashbags. I think the average woman in NYC suffers from pretty pretty princess syndrome combined with some narcissistic personality disorder. I used to do sales in that area, so I know how it is. Those girls are totally worthless. I would generate tons of female attention there, but they were the most shallow women I've ever met.
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Get out of NYC. The highest concentration of crappy women in the WORLD live in the stretch of area from DC to Boston. There are enough good ones sprinkled in there to give you hope... but by and large most of those women are trashbags. I think the average woman in NYC suffers from pretty pretty princess syndrome combined with some narcissistic personality disorder. I used to do sales in that area, so I know how it is. Those girls are totally worthless. I would generate tons of female attention there, but they were the most shallow women I've ever met. Wow, so I guess I shouldn't expect any love letters from you! ... that's the nastiest thing I've read in a while.
paddington bear Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I have found this to be true for me. I've worked on my issues, aiming to become a better, healthier, happier person and am starting to attract a better caliber of men. The most recent wasn't quite right but definitely a BIG step in the right direction. Loveslife - very glad to hear you corroborate that, good to have a guinea pig who's already tried that out and it's worked. It makes me all the more determined to (and Christ, I hate this term) 'work on myself'. Last date I had (first date in a loooooooooooooong time) was in fact with, well, a normal guy, no major issues there, chatty, funny, and while I don't think for me there was a major spark there for me, when I read that line about attracting better people into your life when you've worked on your own issues, he kind of made sense. Instead of being disappointed that there was no wow factor there I'm now thinking how great it is that I had a date with a non-dysfunctional man. And I'll go on another date with him just to see if any attraction grows, otherwise, am looking forward to meeting more emotionally healthy men. And dear God, from the posts here, I'm VERY glad I don't live in new york...
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 ruggy, your perspective is off. When you find the right person, they will be your prince or princess, regardless of what other people think of them and regardless of media stereotype. If you find someone you don't think of the world of, you're settling.
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Loveslife - very glad to hear you corroborate that, good to have a guinea pig who's already tried that out and it's worked. It makes me all the more determined to (and Christ, I hate this term) 'work on myself'. Last date I had (first date in a loooooooooooooong time) was in fact with, well, a normal guy, no major issues there, chatty, funny, and while I don't think for me there was a major spark there for me, when I read that line about attracting better people into your life when you've worked on your own issues, he kind of made sense. Instead of being disappointed that there was no wow factor there I'm now thinking how great it is that I had a date with a non-dysfunctional man. And I'll go on another date with him just to see if any attraction grows, otherwise, am looking forward to meeting more emotionally healthy men. And dear God, from the posts here, I'm VERY glad I don't live in new york... Paddington Bear, I think "it" all begins and ends with us. About a year ago I decided that I needed to (finally) deal with my issues and figure out why I have begun hating myself. Because, believe me, it was totally reflected in my relationships, romantic and otherwise (relationships don't even have to do with our social life necessarily.) This recent guy lacked some of the really soul-crushing atttributes of previous guys and I was ecstatic when I realized I was attracted to a good, decent guy. He's the one who ended up pulling away. But I think my recent emotional development has led me to be able to move on without a lot of muss and fuss. And I'd just like to say that dating in NYC is MUCH better than other places I've lived. More independent, fun, energetic single people of all ages. But then I don't travel in the high-powered circles.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Wow, so I guess I shouldn't expect any love letters from you! ... that's the nastiest thing I've read in a while. I had some pretty bad experiences in that area. Nothing personal to you, but I don't like the culture women seem to have in that part of the world. It seems pretty harsh, but for the most part it's true. I had female friends who would dump a guy for something silly like because he had dandruff. But... if the guy was making lots of money or had some similar high status thing going on... They wouldn't leave him for the world. Where I'm from... that kind of stuff just isn't acceptable. I should also note that my guy friends when I lived there were pretty gross too. Some were Retardedly picky about women. It's sad because I really liked some aspects of the culture there. I enjoyed how everyone is aggressive like me. In California people seem so passive-aggressive... it's annoying. Anyway... just my little rant. Don't take me too seriously.
Author ruggy Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 ruggy, your perspective is off. When you find the right person, they will be your prince or princess, regardless of what other people think of them and regardless of media stereotype. If you find someone you don't think of the world of, you're settling. Have you read any of my other thread posts?
loveslife Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I had some pretty bad experiences in that area. Nothing personal to you, but I don't like the culture women seem to have in that part of the world. It seems pretty harsh, but for the most part it's true. I had female friends who would dump a guy for something silly like because he had dandruff. But... if the guy was making lots of money or had some similar high status thing going on... They wouldn't leave him for the world. Where I'm from... that kind of stuff just isn't acceptable. I should also note that my guy friends when I lived there were pretty gross too. Some were Retardedly picky about women. It's sad because I really liked some aspects of the culture there. I enjoyed how everyone is aggressive like me. In California people seem so passive-aggressive... it's annoying. Anyway... just my little rant. Don't take me too seriously. I think there's a definite culture in NYC of being "retardedly picky" about choosing a mate. And it can be blatantly unforgiving of any shortcomings. But it's not everyone and this area has a lot of good things going for it. So, there is some truth to what you say. I do see it but it's not everyone. Some people eventually change their tune about what's important.
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Have you read any of my other thread posts? I have but don't remember much about them. I don't plan on researching your entire history though. With this in mind, what's your point about my response?
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 You don't want to be settled for, so don't expect women to settle. This whole "I'm not Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie" thing is just an excuse people use to avoid looking at the real question of what they have to offer others. If you're believe you're average in every way, why would women think differently? Give yourself more credit, ruggy.
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