81West Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I had a similar issue with somebody many, many years ago except I was even less tolerant. I hated when my boyfriend smoked pot, and I tried to make him quit, and that just caused tension and drove him to secrecy. There was nothing wrong with him, nothing wrong with me, it was just a huge and insurmountable difference. For his part, he hated being nagged and controlled. For my part, I hated looking forward to spending time with somebody I cared about and having to deal with his glassy red eyed pot smelling altered state self. It was monumentally irritating and a gigantic turn off. There are lots of women who would enjoy smoking with you and lots of men who don't chronically smoke pot for her. Honestly, I'd start thinking along those lines because it's just not all that solvable.
carhill Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Cigar.. but that is Wild Turkey 101 in that flaskIDK.... I smell contraband! :Dj Cuban!
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I never lied. ...That is not going behind her back. .... As anyone might expect, I have slipped up on some weekdays, and have basically hidden it from her unless she asks. ...Now, I smoke on the weekends (and yes, the occasional weekday behind her back) I DID READ YOUR POST. Maybe YOU should go read it. Obviously you and I have different standards on honesty. Lying by omission is still lying. I had to deal with that bull**** in my failed marriage and it's one of the major reasons we are divorced now. I would have been a lot less angry if the ******* had owned up to his mistakes and just told me upfront rather than me having to find out on my own. I'd dump your ass just for being a compulsive liar. But that's just me. I don't deal well with sneaky behavior. It's a major character flaw...and a dealbreaker. It's too bad your GF doesn't respect herself more than that.
mixwell Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I read about 1/2 of what you posted and it seems to me like she pretended to be okay with your habits when you got together and then all of sudden its a problem. No offense to all women but I FIND most women initially pretend to be someone they're not and pretend to be okay with things you do. For example I smoke and it was okay or I had a certain view on hooking up vs bf and gf and the chick seemed to agree with me until about 3-4 months in.. To the OP I say if you like smoking pot so be it and all I would say is " You know I was like this when you met me " Personally I would never stop smoking cigarettes to please a girl. I would have to stop because I wanted to. Honestly this chick is a fraud and acted like she was okay with your vices because she eventually thought she could change you and regardless of what people say it is the truth. I would be straight forward and say " Look I've smoked pot before I met you and I still smoke pot, you knew this before we got together" The thing is (no offense) most guys are too much of pussles to have a backbone and say what they really feel.. Its really a turn off to me for a girl to pretend and act one way on how I am and then a few months in start to complain... Personally I think I drink too much and thats just me, if I dated a chick and told her from the start and she was okay with it and then brought it up it would annoy me" I can understand a personal health concern but it all comes down to are YOU ready to make a change? No amount of advice can be given by an outsider can change your mind until YOU are ready to change. GL and if you want to smoke weed then I say go for it, if she threatens you or bltches just reconfirm that you did tell her and if she doesn't like it then take a hike.. I'm just being blunt I know but if you're not happy with someone trying to police your habits then you should say something and stick to it.. GL dude...
mixwell Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Just to add.... I at least (kinda) admire the fact that you said you'd try to cut down to conform with her and if you knew you wouldn't you should have at least said "I will try to cut down but I cannot commit 100% to it just to let you know" Fuc|< it I really don't think a person should change to conform to what someone else wants.. Imagine if you were with a stone chick that was hot and you guys could both smoke together and share a bond ? I know its an odd topic but don't let some chick that **pretended** to be okay with you smoking make you feel bad or guilty because you do smoke... It does piss me off because I know regardless deep down women have the belief that they can conform/mold you to try to fit their standards and when they fail they try to throw a guilt trip on you.. Don't be sorry for your habits bro.. Do your thing and if a female doesn't like it then F** em. Don't fake who you're to please someone else is my inital point.. Smoke until you cant get a hard on and fuc|< em all is what I say if thats what you wana do . haha
mixwell Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I wouldn't personally date trash pot head chick Thats great that you have standards but it would be the same as you dating a chick who said "Yeah drugs are stupid and I don't believe in that" only to find 3-4 months later she is a pot head... do you okay it or pretend to be okay with it or do you say "hey you knew I wasn't cool with it when we got together" ? This seems like the dilema the OP is in.. Someone who pretends to be okay with something and actually isn't ? Do you stick to your guns or do you tuck your tail between your legs and conform to please them or do you say "wait.. I told you how I was and if you dont like it then F off??" see what im saying ?
paddington bear Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Thats great that you have standards but it would be the same as you dating a chick who said "Yeah drugs are stupid and I don't believe in that" only to find 3-4 months later she is a pot head... do you okay it or pretend to be okay with it or do you say "hey you knew I wasn't cool with it when we got together" ? This seems like the dilema the OP is in.. Someone who pretends to be okay with something and actually isn't ? Do you stick to your guns or do you tuck your tail between your legs and conform to please them or do you say "wait.. I told you how I was and if you dont like it then F off??" see what im saying ? I think Mixwell has a point...of sorts...here. That she knew what the OP was like prior to getting together, probably didn't know the extent of it though. The thing is she is obviously in love with him now, so you don't think 'ok, he won't give up smoking pot' I'll just dump him', instead she thinks that she can get him to change this one aspect. There's a pair of you in it. She knew that you smoked pot prior to getting together, I assume. Maybe she assumed that it wasn't going to be a problem. She now realises that it is a problem and is trying to fix that problem. You agreed to cut down, but then sneaked behind her back. Yes, she's trying to control your pot use, but you also agreed on that pot use being controlled. This issue is only going to get worse if it goes on like this and eventually she will get sick and tired of it. There is nothing worse than being stone cold sober and having to deal with some red-eyed guy who is babbling on about some crap and giggling away to himself, or simply slumped in a chair somewhere, totally disengaged. It's just not attractive and if she has a problem with it now, and is getting tight-lipped every time she suspects you had a sneaky smoke, that annoyance is going to keep building until the pot-smoking is the only issue in your relationship. Why not talk to her about it. Tell her that you tried to cut down as requested, found out that it was harder than you thought and that quite frankly you don't really want to cut down or stop smoking at all. And what should you both do now. You have to want to cut down or give up, otherwise all the nagging in the world isn't going to help. A friend of mine who was complaining about how he'd let his life totally pass him by by smoking pot every evening after work and the whole weekend. He said to me 'I really hate myself sometimes, just think of what I could have achieved if I wasn't stoned most of the time'. Fast forward a year later and he'd met a girl, was obviously madly in love with her. I asked him about the pot smoking and he said "I quit, I had to ask myself the question, which is more important, having a woman that I love in my life or smoking weed. I chose the woman." That's what you have to ask yourself now, which is ultimately more important.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Fast forward a year later and he'd met a girl, was obviously madly in love with her. I asked him about the pot smoking and he said "I quit, I had to ask myself the question, which is more important, having a woman that I love in my life or smoking weed. I chose the woman." That's what you have to ask yourself now, which is ultimately more important. PAddings that is just the perfect example for the OP to reflect on. Maybe the "controlling" needs to stop, but you have to wonder why she's being like this in the first place. Your gf sees a future complete with a family with you but she's also considering about your health and the children should you guys plan to have any. Don't be too harsh on her for caring, even if it may seem like she's being nagging. If you love her as much as she loves you then you wouldn't want to break up with her over this issue? You need to sit down, communicate, and work towards a solution. If that fails then yes, maybe you guys just aren't as compatible as you first thought when you entered the relationship.
Author shoarma Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 OK, I just read all these responses. Art_critic. This is an incredibly strong woman. I have met some very strong women, and none of them compare to this one. She's not "looking" for the strength to dump me, if she wanted to leave, she would have no problem doing it. If I made no effort to slow down in the first place, she would have been long gone already. I am not "holding her hostage," I am just someone she loves that she wants a little change from, understand? Trust me. She's also not going to "learn" about any codependency issues... Hello? She's a psychologist. She knows more than most people (certainly more than you) about these things , she's incredibly independent, we're not teenagers, and we're not dumb. You know, you may have a point about my addiction and the trouble it's caused, but just because you have a billion posts on this message board does not give you the right to be presumptuous and most certainly does not make you an expert. SoulsearchCO. Maybe I didn't give you enough info. The first times I slipped up, I told her. She said she didn't want to hear it. So I felt like I was sneaking behind her back by lying by omission, that's why I told her in advance that I would be slipping up. That was her mistake to basically force me to be sneaky, but she just had a bad reaction to it. We agreed that it's bad for me to feel sneaky, in any capacity. And whatever was behind it, she still got upset when I smoked on weekdays. Whatever, when I say I've been honest, I mean it. What reason would I have to lie to myself anonymously. Maybe if I was a pathological liar, but i'm not. And, everyone else. The complaint wasn't that I was always high. In fact, I never got high, not to any noticeable degree. My tolerance was so high that I never even felt it. Red eyes at the most extreme, but nothing you could observe in my behavior. That's called tolerance. Of course when I started slowing down, I would get like seriously high every time I smoked, that's why I now take one tiny hit per day. Importantly, there were no specific complaints about the drug as they pertained to the relationship, and my life is most certainly not "passing me by." The problem is the act of smoking pot itself. She was thinking about the future, and like any smart, successful, and normal woman she didn't want pot in her future. xpapercuts is right. This is all coming from a good place. And, I consider myself lucky to have someone like this who cares. While I will never think pot is that big of deal, it doesn't easily lend itself to the type of future I want for myself. Keyword easily. Of course I'm going to wrestle with thinking she's being controlling, etc., that's because I'm a man, and that's why I got on here and started talking through all my concerns. Like I said, we've talked about it. She realised that maybe her expectations were too much, too quickly. I realised that we need to openly communicate about it more than either of us really wants to. We also realised how much we really care about one another. I'm done here. Bye all.
420honey Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I had a post similar to this a while back...only the man I was seeing was someone very new to me. I didn't tell him right away, because I didn't think it was that important. This is, after all a city where 90% of the adult population smoke pot. Anyway, I ended up telling him later that I am a smoker, and he broke up with me. A week or so later, he changed his mind and decided that we'd try again and he wouldn't be so closed minded about it. However his decision to break up with me was warranted by the fact that I didn't tell him on the first few dates. In your case, however you have been honest from the very beginning. You told her that you enjoy pot and even had it outlined in your profile that it's something people might not like about you. You obviously smoked around her, to which she never responded to until 6 months after the fact that you'd been dating. You compromised to only doing it a couple times a week.. and occasionally slip up. Big deal? I am in the same boat, friend. I used to vaporize at least 3-4 times a week and now I've cut to once a week. I have only been with the guy for 3 months. I have a prescription for it, which seems to cool his mind a bit. He was very worried about it because he does have kids and doesn't want it around them. I can understand why some people might not like it, and I can also understand all of it's wonderful effects medically. I think the most important thing here, is that you stick to your compromise of only doing it on the weekends. Let her know that's as far as it's going and you will stop when you want to stop. It's not addictive, and I can definitely vouch for this. You have a good head on your shoulders from what it sounds like...just stick to the compromise and don't have any slip ups. The question now, that you should be asking yourself is whether you believe that your girlfriend is more important or just a little bit of weed. I had think the same thing when deciding to cut back to once a week. I love weed, and I will always support it but I felt it was time for myself to grow up. (I'm almost 30 now). I finally have a shot at a good relationship and with a great guy and I'd like to take the chance with him. If things don't work out, I'll always be able to fall back on pot. And if they do work out...I won't be missing anything. He's more to me than pot ever meant...and one of the many wonderful things about pot is that it's NOT addictive.
Art_Critic Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Art_critic. This is an incredibly strong woman. I have met some very strong women, and none of them compare to this one. She's not "looking" for the strength to dump me, if she wanted to leave, she would have no problem doing it. If I made no effort to slow down in the first place, she would have been long gone already. I am not "holding her hostage," I am just someone she loves that she wants a little change from, understand? Trust me. She's also not going to "learn" about any codependency issues... Hello? She's a psychologist. She knows more than most people (certainly more than you) about these things , she's incredibly independent, we're not teenagers, and we're not dumb. You know, you may have a point about my addiction and the trouble it's caused, but just because you have a billion posts on this message board does not give you the right to be presumptuous and most certainly does not make you an expert. Dude.. I was giving you a dose of what I would call hard truth from my viewpoint only. I wasn't saying that the words I have should be taken as the only viewpoint. Because she is psychologist doesn't mean that she can see her own issues and solve them. she can't always tell... As far as what I know or what I'm an expert on, you yourself have no clue who I am but I will tell you that I am an Alcoholic with almost 22 years of sobriety and I also can tell you that you needed to hear some hard truth rather than some soft cushy post about how pot isn't that bad. If you noticed I never took to task the issue over pot being good or bad.. I went straight to your addiction, which is the main issue causing the problem in your relationship. You seem like a fairly self aware person after reading your posts so maybe you will see something of value in this thread and use it to help things in your relationship. ~Art
northstar1 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I had a post similar to this a while back...only the man I was seeing was someone very new to me. I didn't tell him right away, because I didn't think it was that important. This is, after all a city where 90% of the adult population smoke pot. Anyway, I ended up telling him later that I am a smoker, and he broke up with me. A week or so later, he changed his mind and decided that we'd try again and he wouldn't be so closed minded about it. However his decision to break up with me was warranted by the fact that I didn't tell him on the first few dates. In your case, however you have been honest from the very beginning. You told her that you enjoy pot and even had it outlined in your profile that it's something people might not like about you. You obviously smoked around her, to which she never responded to until 6 months after the fact that you'd been dating. You compromised to only doing it a couple times a week.. and occasionally slip up. Big deal? I am in the same boat, friend. I used to vaporize at least 3-4 times a week and now I've cut to once a week. I have only been with the guy for 3 months. I have a prescription for it, which seems to cool his mind a bit. He was very worried about it because he does have kids and doesn't want it around them. I can understand why some people might not like it, and I can also understand all of it's wonderful effects medically. I think the most important thing here, is that you stick to your compromise of only doing it on the weekends. Let her know that's as far as it's going and you will stop when you want to stop. It's not addictive, and I can definitely vouch for this. You have a good head on your shoulders from what it sounds like...just stick to the compromise and don't have any slip ups. The question now, that you should be asking yourself is whether you believe that your girlfriend is more important or just a little bit of weed. I had think the same thing when deciding to cut back to once a week. I love weed, and I will always support it but I felt it was time for myself to grow up. (I'm almost 30 now). I finally have a shot at a good relationship and with a great guy and I'd like to take the chance with him. If things don't work out, I'll always be able to fall back on pot. And if they do work out...I won't be missing anything. He's more to me than pot ever meant...and one of the many wonderful things about pot is that it's NOT addictive. Physiologically speaking it is not proven to be addictve, but habitually and mentally it certainly can be.
donnamaybe Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Physiologically speaking it is not proven to be addictve, but habitually and mentally it certainly can be. As in the example of my ex. He HAD to have it, even at the cost of his family.
420honey Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Physiologically speaking it is not proven to be addictve, but habitually and mentally it certainly can be. I guess. But that sounds much better to me than what effect Oxycontin can have.....or even alcoholism.
donnamaybe Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I guess. But that sounds much better to me than what effect Oxycontin can have.....or even alcoholism. Oh, yeah. Even my MOM knows alcohol is worse and she also thinks MJ should be legal so the government can make money off it and stop LOSING money in the form of criminal justice's attempts at squelching pot use, which is NEVER going to happen anyway.
carhill Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 You know, it just occurred to me that our resident substance-abuse therapist, who has dealt with such issues professionally and also who has faced personal conflicts that were difficult to resolve even with her professional training, has not weighed in here. I guess she's busy with wedding plans IME, with drugs which aren't physically addictive, it is how the person *feels* when using that creates, if the person's brain chemistry is compatible, a psychological addiction. So, using a common drug, alcohol, one person can drink occasionally, get a nice buzz, have a good time and not touch it again for a long time. Another person, drinking the same drinks, experiences it in a completely different way, becoming addicted to how they feel when drinking. It's like a switch. The only definitive control is not drinking, which I'm sure Art_Critic could expound on far more than I. If one's brain chemistry is that of addiction, there is no such thing as recreational or occasional use. If the OP could use up his supply and not buy any more for say a month, and feel good about that, he doesn't have an addictive personality. IOW, not having any in the house won't bother him in the least, even though he enjoys it and it makes him feel good. I'll bet his GF would see this as a very positive indicator. OP, why not try it, just for the heck of it. Think of it as an interesting psychologicial and chemistry experiment. You're in graduate school. You know about such things
Mahatma Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 He says he's gone, yet opinions are still flying about so I will give mine. I smoked "recreationally" and I can say that it was extremely easy to quit. I wanted to get a job and knew I would probably need to undergo a drug test and was not going to get a job until summer (May) and I stopped smoking around January. I hardly ever had to buy my pot either, it was always free from my roommate. I think people who smoke habitually like to call it recreation. There is a huge difference. Same thing with smokers who claim they "socially" smoke. For this guy to call it recreation is not true. If it was recreation, he wouldn't have been tempted to go behind her back and smoke.
donnamaybe Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 If the OP could use up his supply and not buy any more for say a month, and feel good about that, he doesn't have an addictive personality. IOW, not having any in the house won't bother him in the least, even though he enjoys it and it makes him feel good. I'll bet his GF would see this as a very positive indicator. OP, why not try it, just for the heck of it. Think of it as an interesting psychologicial and chemistry experiment. You're in graduate school. You know about such things We could also say that about TV watching, which has been proven to be detrimental to families and society as a whole. Wanna try it? The point is, moderation is the key whether it be TV watching, eating, WORK, alcohol use, video games, pot smoking, etc. etc. etc. Of course there are SOME drugs that can kill yer arse immediately. There is no safe use there.
Author shoarma Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 OK, before I go. 420honey, pot is addictive. If you really look at it, there aren't too many "wonderful things" about it. It's no magic bullet. Also, maybe 90% of the people you meet smoke it, but that doesn't reflect all adults. 50, 60% maybe. Look at your name. Pot rules your life. You are so engrossed in it that it is a part of how you identify yourself. You are even ready to "fall back" on it if a relationship doesn't work. If that isn't dependence, I don't know what is. You crave it, hence the addiction. I will always want it to some degree, hence the addiction. Any drug, yes even alcohol or heroin, can be abused to the point of full tolerance and minimal effect. I've known guys who could literally drink a gallon of whiskey a day and you wouldn't know for the life of you. I've known heroin addicts that clock in 9 to 5 without anyone knowing the difference. Does that make these drugs wonderful? Does it make them less harmless? Remember when we first started smoking pot? We'd get so stoned we didn't even know what to do with ourselves. So we built up a habit around it and thought that everything was OK. That's addiction, tolerance, and denial. Drugs are drugs, and pot is a chemical dependency just like any other. It may arguably be a little lighter and less dangerous than other drugs, but it's still a drug. It affects your cognition, your motivation, your neuromuscular reflexes, and your judgment. Sounds like you're taking the first steps towards quitting, best of luck to you. But don't keep it as a fall back, that's a mistake. Keep it out of your life, you owe it to yourself. OK, now, I'm really gone. Probably.
Author shoarma Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Also, Carhill, it's been 4 months since I spent $100 on pot. I run out in a week or two, and I was definitely going to experiment with not having any around. I quit once for about a year. It was maybe a little forced, because I was in a city where I couldn't find any. In Baltimore you either start a crack habit or nothing. It was fine. I kinda wanted it, but it didn't make too much of a difference. Looking forward to it again with a more positive outlook.
Art_Critic Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 OK, before I go. 420honey, pot is addictive. If you really look at it, there aren't too many "wonderful things" about it. It's no magic bullet. Also, maybe 90% of the people you meet smoke it, but that doesn't reflect all adults. 50, 60% maybe. Look at your name. Pot rules your life. You are so engrossed in it that it is a part of how you identify yourself. You are even ready to "fall back" on it if a relationship doesn't work. If that isn't dependence, I don't know what is. You crave it, hence the addiction. I will always want it to some degree, hence the addiction. Any drug, yes even alcohol or heroin, can be abused to the point of full tolerance and minimal effect. I've known guys who could literally drink a gallon of whiskey a day and you wouldn't know for the life of you. I've known heroin addicts that clock in 9 to 5 without anyone knowing the difference. Does that make these drugs wonderful? Does it make them less harmless? Remember when we first started smoking pot? We'd get so stoned we didn't even know what to do with ourselves. So we built up a habit around it and thought that everything was OK. That's addiction, tolerance, and denial. Drugs are drugs, and pot is a chemical dependency just like any other. It may arguably be a little lighter and less dangerous than other drugs, but it's still a drug. It affects your cognition, your motivation, your neuromuscular reflexes, and your judgment. Sounds like you're taking the first steps towards quitting, best of luck to you. But don't keep it as a fall back, that's a mistake. Keep it out of your life, you owe it to yourself. OK, now, I'm really gone. Probably. With posts like that you should stay around some.. you could help others .. That is what I meant about being self aware. Good luck to you Shoarma.. ~Art
donnamaybe Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I have to disagree with part of that post he made, Art. Just because you want something you are addicted to it? Sorry, but that's just wrong. I wanted a cheeseburger last night, so that's what I made for dinner. So now I'm addicted to cheeseburgers? Um, okay. I wanted to watch Dancing with the Stars last night, so I watched it. I LIKE the show, so I want to watch it when it's on and have done so since the premier this season. But next week, when Monday rolls around, I'll be gnashing my teeth and wailing because it won't be on!!!
Author shoarma Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Dammit! Art, I'd love to stay on here but you're watching me procrastinate finishing a pretty major workload. Donna, you need to come to terms with your cheeseburger and dancing with the stars addiction. Both are bad for you. Red meat is bad for your body and the environment. I would argue that yes, you are addicted to it and it would be a struggle for you to go vegetarian. Dancing with the stars? Even worse. The dancing is not even good! That makes it a bad addiction Advertisers count on your compulsion to watch TV. In all seriousness, I quit TV about 5 years ago, and I'll never look back. Life is better without it, it really is. Take a walk, read a book, but for god's sake please don't rot your brain watching that garbage! It's nothing but junk food filler for your life. Of course I'm being a little snarky, but it's true that dependency comes in many forms. Quit eating meat and watching TV for 6 months and first tell me that it wasn't difficult and second tell me that you don't feel better. You like it? Yeah, and I like cigarettes. Nope. That's our addicitons talking. Hehehe OK seriously, I have so. much. work. to do.
Art_Critic Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I have to disagree with part of that post he made, Art. I wasn't agreeing or disagreeing with any of the post, I did however find his post very honest and true to himself. I found his post very enlightening and self aware of his own addiction. He knows he is an addict and he knows his struggle and he is also showing the desire to quit.. that is what it takes to help others...
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