She controls my pot use

[DarkestDreams]

So you have a girlfriend, who by all accounts is great and you even consider marrying her, but you would dump her because she doesn’t approve of your smoking pot habbit. And somehow her antiweed attitude makes her a controlling, emotionally abusive b*tch who needs therapy? Seriously, folks!

 

I think you’re using the control line and turn the whole situation into a matter of principle to mask your inability or lack of desire to actually quit. Her request is justifiable and obviously her heart is in the right place. If you only use weed “recreationally” then quitting shouldn’t be a problem. If this is the only problem you two have, consider yourself lucky.

[carhill]

No, not even quitting totally, just quitting during the week....

 

TBH, most of my business colleagues have employment contracts including random drug testing due to liability and vehicular insurance concerns. Fail and you have a really bad day....

[Ruby Slippers]

If you only use weed “recreationally” then quitting shouldn’t be a problem.

Exactly.

 

I smoke pot recreationally, and if I found myself in a relationship with a man who had a problem with it and a legitimate explanation for his concern (and there are many legitimate concerns associated with any kind of drug use), I could easily cut my use way back or stop altogether. Whatever you get from pot (fun, relaxation, etc.), you can also get from activities besides smoking pot.

 

Aligning your ACTIONS with your WORDS ("I'll only smoke on weekends") is critically important. If you go back on something like that, it gives the impression that you are out of control and can't manage your habit. It also erodes trust and shows her that you can't be counted on to honor your commitments.

[carhill]

Sadly, the other side of the coin is that the OP's GF likely would not have attraction for a man who didn't have "issues", from her POV. I've lived the other side of this, the side of "rescuer", being attracted to women who needed "fixing". That habit is likely just as hard to kick as a drug or drinking habit. I'll let you know

[shoarma]

if I found myself in a relationship with a man who had a problem with it.... I could easily cut my use way back or stop altogether

 

Ruby, that's the hallmark statement of an addict. That's something I could have easily said before I actually got into the situation. If there are so many "legitimate concerns," why don't you just quit now? Would you really be willing to exclude the possibility of something you enjoy entirely out of your life?

 

Whatever you get from pot (fun, relaxation, etc.), you can also get from activities besides smoking pot.

 

Oh really? Then why do you continue to smoke? To my knowledge, there's no other way to get stoned than to use drugs.

 

Look, a lot of people drink recreationally. Maybe once or twice a month. In what capacity would it be reasonable to ask them to stop, especially if it is only one or two beers a month? What kind of person would ask that of their partner, and for what reason exactly?

 

Would anyone who drinks occasionally be willing to exclude the possibility of having a beer from their lives if that's what their partner wanted? I think it's easier said than done. I don't even like drinking that much, and I expect to feel the same way about pot in the future. But who has the right to tell me that I am not able to enjoy something that I like in moderation?

 

I want to cut way down to the point of it being a novelty. But to have it out of my life for good? No thanks. Some may see that as a problem, I see it as a principle.

[DarkestDreams]

Sadly, the other side of the coin is that the OP's GF likely would not have attraction for a man who didn't have "issues", from her POV.

 

That's quite an assumption. Or maybe she's just a normal person, who is dealing with a certain situation to the best of her abilities. People assume an awful lot around here...

[carhill]

She's a psycho-therapist, IIRC. Hello

 

Nope, in actuality, she's training to be a clinical psychologist.

[mr.dream merchant]

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year. We're around 30, both of us in graduate school. It's been for the most part very good, and it's great to be with someone who works hard and can share an appreciation for the long hours of studying and work with me. I love her and am definitely considering a future with her.

 

But, she has a major problem with me smoking pot.

 

Some background. We met online when she responded to my personals ad I placed after moving to her city for school. In the ad, I listed things that people might like and things that people might not like in an effort to be honest and transparent. One of the bad things was that I smoked cigarettes and pot. When we first started dating I smoked pot as I had for over 10 years, which was basically like all day. I knew I had a problem but it never bothered me that much, and it never seemed to negatively affect my mood or my studies (I am a very successful and hard working student in a technically challenging field). I quit smoking pot once before, essentially because I couldn't find it for a year, and it didn't seem to make a difference other than every once in a while I kinda wished I had it. It never seemed to affect me that much, other than to help me relax. Of course, I understand that chronic use of pot affects cognition and judgement negatively, and probably it was just imperceptible to me. I also recognized that I smoked way too much and should probably slow down or quit one day.

 

After around 6 months of her not mentioning anything at all while I openly and chronically smoked in front of her, she came forward and told me that she had a major problem with it. She wanted me to smoke less and ultimately wished I would quit. She was worried about our future together, and raising a kid in that environment. My first reactions were defensive, and it angered me because she was invalidating me based on a drug that she hated. In other words, she didn't have any specific complaints related to our relationship. Still, nobody I have been with has asked this of me, and I considered her feelings on the matter to be mostly valid and also allowed it to be somewhat of a wake up call to me that I should indeed slow down on what was pretty much amounting to drug abuse. After all, it doesn't help my career or my personal relationships to be smoking pot all the time. I got it, and I agreed: it was time for me to slow down.

 

So, a couple fights later, I somehow (probably under duress) agreed that I would smoke on the weekends, and not on the weekdays. She said it would be fine if I smoked recreationally and occasionally. So I went from smoking a bunch at a time, to now maybe taking a hit on Saturday and a hit on Sunday, etc. As anyone might expect, I have slipped up on some weekdays, and have basically hidden it from her unless she asks. I have been honest with her about it when she does ask, but she gets upset that I have broken the rules. In part, I resent her for making me stick to some arbitrary guideline, but I also appreciate it because I now smoke a lot less and to be honest I do feel pretty good about that.

 

The problem is, even though I've been smoking (a lot) less, she gets very upset about it no matter when I do it. She keeps tabs on me, like conspicuously checking my eyes for redness, asking what I did with friends, etc., which is so seriously irritating and rude. She still believes I am addicted, and basically doesn't trust me to handle my personal matters as my own. I have admitted addiction and abuse in the past to myself and to her. But, I refuse to acknowledge wanting to smoke occasionally as addiction. When I buy more pot (which to you teatotallers amounts to a quarter ounce ounce every 4 months and to you pot smokers who should know that this is an extremely modest habit), she believes that I am exhibiting seeking behavior. I liken it to alcohol: Although I rarely drink, I do take certain comfort in it being available to me if I want to socially/recreationally drink. Now, I smoke on the weekends (and yes, the occasional weekday behind her back) and I don't see that as anything but recreational. She knows that I plan to, without her intervention, take steps to smoke less and less as time passes. By the time I'm 40 I expect to be the weird old guy at the Pink Floyd laser show who tokes the joint being passed around, or whatever. And my thought on that is, so what?

 

Did I mention that she is training as a clinical psychologist? This makes it interesting. The difficulty is, she is very smart and she basically recognizes our problem. She has admitted that it's not up to her to change me, and that any type of controlling behavior can in fact exacerbate my problem (me feeling like I'm sneaking around when I smoke on a weekday, etc.). She has apologized in the past for overreacting, not trusting me, etc. But it doesn't change the fact that she has a disgusted, almost gutteral reaction to it now if she "catches" me when I smoke on the weekdays. The few times she has, she's basically expected the worst and thought that I was smoking all the time behind her back. It is a serious point of contention and, well, tension. We have agreed to disagree on our stances on it and things are actually pretty good when we manage to avoid the subject, but are pretty awful when it comes up.

 

I am interested in staying with her, but not under these conditions. I have been an otherwise good and loving boyfriend to her, yet I do not feel trusted or respected when she gets irrationally upset about something she's known about all along and that I'm clearly and demonstrably making an effort to change. She does respect me, and she loves me enough to want to make a serious committment to me, but I feel like ultimately she is using this issue as leverage for moral superiority. What I fear she is actually doing instead is slowly destroying our relationship and undermining our trust. Right now I'm rereading what I've written, and more than ever I'm seriously considering leaving her because this is probably a sign of more controlling behavior to come. Yes, ultimately she has been a good influence in my life and I can't deny that it's good to smoke less pot, but I believe that after I made an effort that she is now taking it too far and asking too much from me too quickly. So, I was hoping that some of you could give me advice on what to do.

 

 

p.s. please don't focus your reply on pot or drugs, I'd much rather it be centered on the relationship and the controlling aspect rather than your opinions/anecdotes about pot.... there's plenty of that elsewhere on the internet.

 

Why do you let her "control" anything? If you want to get faded during the week then damnit you want to get faded during the week. What you SHOULDN'T have done is agree to some **** you weren't cool with. She has a right to be mad. But you also have a right to do what you want to do, regardless of who the other party is and their objection. Apologize to her, of course, and then explain to her why you want to smoke during the week. Don't come off as angry, or shifting blame on her. Just let her know the deal and that she can accept or...well I'm sure you know the rest. NEXT! lol...

[missdependant]

While I agree that if you promise not to do something you shouldn't do it, it is your GIRLFRIEND'S fault for dating you KNOWING that you use pot. You say you're in graduate school, so obviously it's not impairing your life, making you a couch potato or turning you stupid.

 

It sucks to have to give someone an ultimatum, but she is either going to accept you the way she met you, or she is not going to accept you. If she is able to acknowledge that she can't change you, this is something she should realize. And she should also realize that if she is unable to accept who you are as a person, then you shouldn't be together.

 

Yes, you agreed not to smoke on weekdays. Probably a bad idea..

 

But she agreed to date you, though you clearly expressed that it's something you enjoy and will continue to do.

 

I hate to compare pot to prescription pills or alcohol, because I happen to believe that pot is a safer alternative to BOTH.. but maybe you could bring this comparison into a conversation about it. Ultimately, you are less at risk of addiction and other physical/mental side-effects. It really isn't much different than you having a prescription for Zoloft or having a few glasses of wine every night, aside from the fact that pot is natural and isn't addictive.

 

It's JUST pot! It's not like you're doing coke every or shooting up heroin every day.

 

IMO, she should get over it and let you live your life. You're not hurting her, it's not making you do stupid things or make stupid decisions. ESPECIALLY, because SHE AGREED TO DATE YOU knowing that you're a pot user.

 

Are you per chance in a state where it's decriminalized? If so, I'd strongly recommend getting a prescription for it.. might calm her nerves. Or at least give you more leverage.

[shoarma]

Ha, I moved from a state where it is decriminalized to a state where it is illegal. At any rate, I'm not a criminal.

 

After talking with her a little more, her idea of recreational was once every 6 months! So I told her that I might in a few years do it once a month. While she said she would never be happy with it, that she would be OK with that.

 

Still, I can't help but think that this is going to be a big point of contention between us, and that it won't get better. In fact it will probably get worse. It's a pretty fundamental difference of opinion, really. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to be unhappy in my life.

[missdependant]

Ha, I moved from a state where it is decriminalized to a state where it is illegal. At any rate, I'm not a criminal.

 

After talking with her a little more, her idea of recreational was once every 6 months! So I told her that I might in a few years do it once a month. While she said she would never be happy with it, that she would be OK with that.

 

Still, I can't help but think that this is going to be a big point of contention between us, and that it won't get better. In fact it will probably get worse. It's a pretty fundamental difference of opinion, really. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to be unhappy in my life.

 

Yes, she is important in your life.. no one will deny that. However, she cannot change you, only you can change you. If that's something you don't want, then it WILL become a big problem in your relationship. One of you will need to budge, or both of you need to compromise. Sounds to me like you already have compromised, but you're having trouble sticking to your word...

 

Try and stick with the compromise. She should have brought this to your attention WAY before you'd been dating for 6 months. This isn't your fault, but it is up to you to stick to your word, and for her to lighten up.

[carhill]

OP, have you considered, or recommend she consider, how your illegal use of drugs could affect her licensure if you were married/cohabiting and were to be arrested and she was charged as an accessory after the fact? Just something for both of you to consider. I know you think it should be legal and I know you think you're right and everything is under control, but just think about that. That's what a mature man does.

[shoarma]

Yep, this is an astute observation and yes I've considered it.

 

But, therapist training is only part of her education. Ideally she will become a research professor in academia (as is my plan), so being a licensed therapist is merely a backup.

 

Accessory to possession is pretty rare... that usually goes for teenagers, etc. Not that it would never happen, but I'd have to run into a real jerk of a cop on his worst day ever for him to want to pin that on my girlfriend.

 

Besides, I've never been in trouble for it and I probably never will be (knock on wood).

[bean1]

Not that I actually care about pot smoking (because I don't), but if she's getting into social services or mental health, she's being foolish by continuing a relationship with a pot smoker. Professionals in those fields should not be partaking in or engaging in relationships with people who do illegal activity. I had to let go of any pot smoking friends to get into my field. It's just the way it is. You CAN lose your job. It does not have to be substantiated on a criminal conviction.

 

Then again, that goes back to my theory, why date a pot smoker in the first place if you don't like it? I don't see any way out of this one that compromises both sides.

[Kamille]

My ex and I had a somewhat very similar issue... I felt he had alcool problems and he thought that meant I had control issues.

 

We didn't make it. I'm now happy that relationship didn't work out.

 

while I don't doubt that he is fully capable of taking care of himself and of leading a great life, something I could never quite put my finger on bothered me about his drinking - to the point where I would get upset every time he had a glass.

 

I wish I had advice, but I don't. All I can say is that I think it is unfair of you to think that if you give in to this, she will try to control other things in your life. That's what my ex thought, and I certainly didn't think it was true. But yes, it was an issue about control: I felt that there was a third entity in our relationship, one over which I had absolutely no control.

 

Also, yes, alcool became an issue when we stated talking about having kids. I command you for being open to discussing the issue with your girlfriend. My ex and I didn't even have that: the conversation would get out of control very rapidly and he never made me feel like he understood why this was a legitimate concern of mine.

 

deep down though, I would now say we were incompatible. I've dated other guys since, and the control issues never came up again. Of course, I have yet to meet a guy I would consider having children with again.

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby, that's the hallmark statement of an addict. That's something I could have easily said before I actually got into the situation. If there are so many "legitimate concerns," why don't you just quit now? Would you really be willing to exclude the possibility of something you enjoy entirely out of your life?

I think you're projecting a little. I only smoke pot when it is offered to me freely. I have never paid for it. I sometimes go months without it and think nothing of it. When it is around and I am in the mood, I partake. Sometimes when it is offered to me, I decline (because I'm not in the mood, because it's a weekday and I know it has an effect on my level of motivation for a full day afterward, because I don't want to inhale smoke into my lungs with too much regularity, etc.).

 

I do it now because I enjoy it, I'm single, and I have no one else's concerns to consider. I don't enjoy drinking much at all. Pot is one of my few occasional vices, and the only drug I imbibe (other than the caffeine in one cup of coffee in the morning each day).

 

But who has the right to tell me that I am not able to enjoy something that I like in moderation?

No one has the RIGHT. But a person in a loving relationship considers his/her partner's concerns and aligns his/her words and actions, only making commitments that he/she intends to keep.

 

I think much more important than the pot is the way you communicate about your usage, the agreements you make, and maintaining your commitments.

[Art_Critic]

Chances are she will be ending this relationship soon anyhow.. time to cut this one loose..

[carhill]

Besides, I've never been in trouble for it and I probably never will be (knock on wood).

 

I hope so and also hope you realize I'm playing devil's advocate here, trying to explore all possibilities. I just wouldn't want a situation like what happened to my parent's neighbors and their child (which I outlined prior) to happen to you all. That was nearly 30 years ago so maybe enforcement is more lax now.

 

TBH, I can look in my drug box and see far more deadly and dangerous drugs and they were all legally prescribed and efficacious in the care of my mother. That's the really scary stuff circulating around, IMO. In the wrong hands, that stuff makes pot look like an aspirin.

 

I hope you and she can work things out.

[shoarma]

Chances are she will be ending this relationship soon anyhow.. time to cut this one loose..

 

Uh... nope, she would not be the one to end it. She's crazy about me.

[Art_Critic]

Uh... nope, she would not be the one to end it. She's crazy about me.

 

She is codependent right now.. she is in love with an addict. it also seems to me that she is learning about her codependency

 

She doesn't like those things about you..

 

Read the post about the legality issue putting her license at risk.. HUGE Deal...

 

As soon as she has the emotional strength she will end the relationship.

[Ruby Slippers]

I just re-read your first post in the thread. I think the only way to resolve this is for you to get clear about what your level of involvement with pot will be, and how and when you will get to the "ideal" point -- that being the one that is acceptable to both you and your girlfriend. If weekends only doesn't work for you, come up with a guideline that will. From your girlfriend's perspective, I would imagine it's important to see that progress in the right direction is being made, so she needs something to quantify that (weekends only, no more than three days a week, whatever). And you need to feel that you are not being kept under strict control, so the best way to do that is define your own parameters.

[carhill]

BTW, is that clown smoking a reefer?

[shoarma]

She is codependent right now.. she is in love with an addict. it also seems to me that she is learning about her codependency

 

She doesn't like those things about you..

 

Read the post about the legality issue putting her license at risk.. HUGE Deal...

 

As soon as she has the emotional strength she will end the relationship.

 

Sorry, but you're wrong. I may have at one point been an addict in whatever capacity I could be to pot, but I'm not anymore. I just like it. This is an otherwise solid relationship that has nothing to do with codependency. We just disagree on an issue. About the license, read my reply. Even suppose she ended up as a licensed therapist, what board would revoke a license because of an accessory misdemeanor? It would take some kind of ridiculous perfect storm.

 

Ruby, it's true, and I was clear about it. I told her that my ideal usage would be once a month or two. She says she'd be fine with that. So, it's not so bad, but it kinda goes a little deeper than pot. It also has to do with her disdain for recreation in general. I mean, we don't watch TV, we rarely go out, etc., etc. I'm mostly fine with that, it's pretty much my MO, but I definitely like to relax more often than she does. That is one of the major issues. Anyway, we have communicated about it and it is fine for now. But whether this will culminate into other deeper issues remains to be seen....

[Art_Critic]

Sorry, but you're wrong. I may have at one point been an addict in whatever capacity I could be to pot, but I'm not anymore. I just like it. This is an otherwise solid relationship that has nothing to do with codependency. We just disagree on an issue. About the license, read my reply. Even suppose she ended up as a licensed therapist, what board would revoke a license because of an accessory misdemeanor? It would take some kind of ridiculous perfect storm.

 

This post is dripping with denial.. part of the definition of an addict is if the addiction causes issues with relationships then the person is looking at possible addiction in the mirror.

 

Obviously pot use has caused issues with your relationship.. your call..

How much does she mean to you ?

 

By the way.. Everybody is replaceable in a relationship..

 

Once she learns more about her codependency to you she will look at you differently and look into avenues to extract you from her life..

You think she is a hostage to you ?.. think again...

 

Look at yourself and why you use drugs and how it affects your relationship with her..

 

If you think she is wrong.. then why ? and why do you want to be with someone who is so wrong about your drug use ?

[Art_Critic]

BTW, is that clown smoking a reefer?

 

Cigar.. but that is Wild Turkey 101 in that flask