donnamaybe Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 But the thing is, the issue IS the drugs! She sees things one way, you see things another way. Bottomline is this, she is looking at your as 'husband' material and sees that you're addicted to smoking pot. She is thinking of her future, with you, having kids etc..And how the pot smoking comes into this.. Sorry, but she has a right to feel this way, just like you have a right to feel the way you do. I can't see this working unless you quit doing pot. She isn't going to settle and put up with it - And she shouldn't..As you - If you don't want to give up pot, then maybe it is best for you two end things before you both get in deeper and more attached. Unless you can come up with other issues in the relationship, any controlling behaviour on her behalf that have NOTHING to do with you smoking up, then this IS the issue. EXACTLY! For my ex, he WAS addicted. It wasn't just something he enjoyed doing. He NEEDED to do it. If he was out of pot he would sit in that chair and fidget, fidget, fidget. It really was difficult to try to work up any kind of respect for the guy.
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I don't think it's this cut and dry. She has told me she'd be okay with a recreational habit, and I don't think she's lying about that. But during the process, she doesn't trust me and gets angry. But you lying and hiding how much you really smoke from her, so in some sense, it isn't just a recreational habit..
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I remember, in my early 20's, working on my race car at my parent's and the little kid a couple doors down (he was probably four or five at the time) always stopping by and asking me "whatcha doin, mister?" We had a good time. Later, he disappeared and I didn't see him. Well, it turns out dad was growing cannabis in the back yard and the sheriff had hauled him off to jail and things around their household changed for awhile. I thought about that little kid and what he got exposed to, both prior to and after his dad's arrest. I thought that I didn't want to be that kind of father and influence a young mind in that way. Just some food for thought....
northstar1 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Well, she doesn't trust you because she's caught you using when you said you wouldn't. I'm confused what you are looking for in terms of an answer from us? She doesn't like your habit, but apparently is okay with you doing it on weekends. As time goes on, I expect she'll want you quit entirely. You agreed to doing it on weekends. But now you feel you agreed under duress and don't like the fact that she told you what to do. You broke that agreement and she no longer trusts you. You either adhere to what you agreed to (weekends only), or you tell her that your right to do weed whenever you want is more important that the relationship and you both go your own way. Or, I guess the 3rd option is to sit down with her, and try and come up with some other arrangement (you get weekends and a weekday every other week?) that you feel would be less of an infringement on your addiction.
Author shoarma Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Eh, no, I'm not addicted but I just enjoy it. How will enjoying something on seldom occasion (like once a month or less) affect the kids? It won't. Anyway, her ultimatum isn't for me to quit. Again, recreational is fine with her. Every weekend, sure, it's maybe a little too much. Hence the process of quitting. Yes, she tries to control other things, but this is the most serious one. I feel like it gives her some sort of superiority boost, because she does have some issues with that and also with power in the relationship.
Author shoarma Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 try and come up with some other arrangement I don't want an "arrangement." I want to be trusted to handle the problem on my own and not to be treated like a child. What is the best way?
BCCA Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 She's probably thinking about your future, especially if she wants to be a part of it. She doesnt want to be with a pot head, you really cant blame her there. And youre certainly not doing much to make her feel any better. By 'slipping up' here and there, youre telling her that you value getting high over your word to her. Thats not flattering for anyone. And trust me, smoking pot has a much worse effect than you think it does. This is coming from a guy who used to smoke a fair share himself, trust me. You become boring, unmotivated, and lazy, and the whole time youre convincing yourself that youre going to be the one pot head in the world who isnt like everyone else. Also, you need to clarify your arrangement with her. I would also be 100% honest about any slip ups, just so she doesnt feel like she has to keep an eye out on you. If youre telling her youre not smoking, but then do, she does have a reason to be leery.
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 If you aren't addicted to it, then it would be no big deal to just do it once every few weeks, not every weekend and have to sneak off to smoke during the week. Why not stop smoking dope for a month? See if you can actually do that. See if feel any difference..See if your relationship gets better. Can you give some other examples of her 'controlling' you other than the drug situation?
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Accept your perspective or leave. There is no healthy middle ground. That applies to you as well. Accept her perspective or leave. This is the essence of what I learned in MC. Anything else beyond healthy bi-lateral negotiation is just manipulation.
BCCA Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I don't want an "arrangement." I want to be trusted to handle the problem on my own and not to be treated like a child. What is the best way? You dont want to stop smoking pot. Youre just looking for reasons why she shouldnt worry about it, when her concern for you comes from the fact that she cares. You agreed to it, under durres or not, so you need to talk to her and work out something that works for both of you or walk away. Dont agree to anything that you dont intend on following through with.
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I want to be trusted to handle the problem on my own and not to be treated like a child. What is the best way? BE HONEST and don't sneak off to smoke dope during the week. If you do it, let her know. And tell her that you enjoy smoking and it's something she has to accept. I'm not judging you, or anything - But, if you want to not be treated like a kid, stop hiding and lying her about the actual usage of the your pot smoking..
kizik Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Honestly, I think the problem is hers. Some people drink a beer, others smoke a bong hit. She apparently can't or won't accept you for you, and thus she is probably not a good match for you. Look bro, she is trying to CHANGE you. Whenever this happens, it's a big red flag that things are not going to work out long-term. Sure, you can quit the weed, but she sounds like the kind of malcontent who will just pick on you for something else. I know this type of woman. I dated her for three years. She hated my weed use, so I quit. It didn't solve anything. We ended up breaking up. Good luck!
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 The issue is both their responsibility. No one in a relationship gets a free pass
bean1 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 LOL... "duress"... did she put a gun to your head or make threats of bodily harm/death? There is no duress involved here. Anyways, she shouldn't have gotten involved with a pot user if she had a problem with it. There is no compromise here - hopefully she will have learned her lesson that you can't change a person!
Author shoarma Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Like I have said, I have been honest about smoking during the week. When I say I am hiding it, it just means that I don't announce it every time. When she asks, I tell, OK? Maybe you have a point, maybe I should just tell her every time (because it's not that often). You're right, I don't want to stop smoking pot. I said as much. I also never agreed to it, nor would I. I agreed to slow down, and I have. I have not become "boring, unmotivated, and lazy." Not when I smoked a lot of pot, and especially not when I smoke tiny bits. I work 12 hour days 7 days a week on stuff that basically nobody can understand, and I'm damn good at it. Ugh. Anyway, it sounds like we just need to talk. She makes it difficult because she locks up and becomes very detached when the subject comes up, making it hard to discuss.
Author shoarma Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 she shouldn't have gotten involved with a pot user if she had a problem with itYour'e telling me. I consider that during an argument, being severely angry at someone until you get your way is more or less duress.
donnamaybe Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 My current BF, who used to use a LOT of drugs way back in the day, initially had a problem with my smoking a little now and again. It stemmed from the fact that his ex W was A LOT like my ex in that they NEEDED it. She'd smoke it before going to Easter brunch with the fam, fer gawd's sake! He's over it now because he has come to realize that it is just an enjoyment for me and not a desperate need. I agree. If she wasn't okay with it when you met, she shouldn't have continued seeing you and then try to change you.
kizik Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 She makes it difficult because she locks up and becomes very detached when the subject comes up, making it hard to discuss. This is a big problem. She wants you to stop, but she doesn't want to talk about it? This girl is an emotionally abusive one. I would seriously reconsider this relationship.
Author shoarma Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Emotionally abusive? That's a little extreme. She just wants to help me but doesn't know the best way. Her aversion to the drug is what makes her lock up.
kizik Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Whatevs, you know her better than I. Just don't fool yourself by making this girl better than she is. No one is worth changing our lifestyle for.
Author shoarma Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 She is good. She's great in fact, which is why I'm going through all the trouble in the first place. And, I want to change my lifestyle. I don't want to be a pothead, I really don't. But I will always enjoy it from time to time. I think, part of the problem is that we have so little time to discuss these things. We get to see eachother for like an hour before bed and an hour while we get ready to go back to work. We just need to talk it out more thoroughly. We are both mature and can both express our feelings just fine, we just need to spend more time on it even though it's an undesirable subject.
kizik Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 OK well, sounds like you solved your own problem. Thread closed.
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Pretty simple: You find time to work. You find time to eat. You find time to sit in the john and take a dump. You find time to smoke pot. She does the same, absent the pot. You can find time to talk. Get a referral to one of her colleagues and both take time off from work. An hour will do
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