She controls my pot use

[shoarma]

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year. We're around 30, both of us in graduate school. It's been for the most part very good, and it's great to be with someone who works hard and can share an appreciation for the long hours of studying and work with me. I love her and am definitely considering a future with her.

 

But, she has a major problem with me smoking pot.

 

Some background. We met online when she responded to my personals ad I placed after moving to her city for school. In the ad, I listed things that people might like and things that people might not like in an effort to be honest and transparent. One of the bad things was that I smoked cigarettes and pot. When we first started dating I smoked pot as I had for over 10 years, which was basically like all day. I knew I had a problem but it never bothered me that much, and it never seemed to negatively affect my mood or my studies (I am a very successful and hard working student in a technically challenging field). I quit smoking pot once before, essentially because I couldn't find it for a year, and it didn't seem to make a difference other than every once in a while I kinda wished I had it. It never seemed to affect me that much, other than to help me relax. Of course, I understand that chronic use of pot affects cognition and judgement negatively, and probably it was just imperceptible to me. I also recognized that I smoked way too much and should probably slow down or quit one day.

 

After around 6 months of her not mentioning anything at all while I openly and chronically smoked in front of her, she came forward and told me that she had a major problem with it. She wanted me to smoke less and ultimately wished I would quit. She was worried about our future together, and raising a kid in that environment. My first reactions were defensive, and it angered me because she was invalidating me based on a drug that she hated. In other words, she didn't have any specific complaints related to our relationship. Still, nobody I have been with has asked this of me, and I considered her feelings on the matter to be mostly valid and also allowed it to be somewhat of a wake up call to me that I should indeed slow down on what was pretty much amounting to drug abuse. After all, it doesn't help my career or my personal relationships to be smoking pot all the time. I got it, and I agreed: it was time for me to slow down.

 

So, a couple fights later, I somehow (probably under duress) agreed that I would smoke on the weekends, and not on the weekdays. She said it would be fine if I smoked recreationally and occasionally. So I went from smoking a bunch at a time, to now maybe taking a hit on Saturday and a hit on Sunday, etc. As anyone might expect, I have slipped up on some weekdays, and have basically hidden it from her unless she asks. I have been honest with her about it when she does ask, but she gets upset that I have broken the rules. In part, I resent her for making me stick to some arbitrary guideline, but I also appreciate it because I now smoke a lot less and to be honest I do feel pretty good about that.

 

The problem is, even though I've been smoking (a lot) less, she gets very upset about it no matter when I do it. She keeps tabs on me, like conspicuously checking my eyes for redness, asking what I did with friends, etc., which is so seriously irritating and rude. She still believes I am addicted, and basically doesn't trust me to handle my personal matters as my own. I have admitted addiction and abuse in the past to myself and to her. But, I refuse to acknowledge wanting to smoke occasionally as addiction. When I buy more pot (which to you teatotallers amounts to a quarter ounce ounce every 4 months and to you pot smokers who should know that this is an extremely modest habit), she believes that I am exhibiting seeking behavior. I liken it to alcohol: Although I rarely drink, I do take certain comfort in it being available to me if I want to socially/recreationally drink. Now, I smoke on the weekends (and yes, the occasional weekday behind her back) and I don't see that as anything but recreational. She knows that I plan to, without her intervention, take steps to smoke less and less as time passes. By the time I'm 40 I expect to be the weird old guy at the Pink Floyd laser show who tokes the joint being passed around, or whatever. And my thought on that is, so what?

 

Did I mention that she is training as a clinical psychologist? This makes it interesting. The difficulty is, she is very smart and she basically recognizes our problem. She has admitted that it's not up to her to change me, and that any type of controlling behavior can in fact exacerbate my problem (me feeling like I'm sneaking around when I smoke on a weekday, etc.). She has apologized in the past for overreacting, not trusting me, etc. But it doesn't change the fact that she has a disgusted, almost gutteral reaction to it now if she "catches" me when I smoke on the weekdays. The few times she has, she's basically expected the worst and thought that I was smoking all the time behind her back. It is a serious point of contention and, well, tension. We have agreed to disagree on our stances on it and things are actually pretty good when we manage to avoid the subject, but are pretty awful when it comes up.

 

I am interested in staying with her, but not under these conditions. I have been an otherwise good and loving boyfriend to her, yet I do not feel trusted or respected when she gets irrationally upset about something she's known about all along and that I'm clearly and demonstrably making an effort to change. She does respect me, and she loves me enough to want to make a serious committment to me, but I feel like ultimately she is using this issue as leverage for moral superiority. What I fear she is actually doing instead is slowly destroying our relationship and undermining our trust. Right now I'm rereading what I've written, and more than ever I'm seriously considering leaving her because this is probably a sign of more controlling behavior to come. Yes, ultimately she has been a good influence in my life and I can't deny that it's good to smoke less pot, but I believe that after I made an effort that she is now taking it too far and asking too much from me too quickly. So, I was hoping that some of you could give me advice on what to do.

 

 

p.s. please don't focus your reply on pot or drugs, I'd much rather it be centered on the relationship and the controlling aspect rather than your opinions/anecdotes about pot.... there's plenty of that elsewhere on the internet.

[sb129]

Well- to cut a long story short:

 

You agreed you wouldn't smoke on weekdays. But you have. So you have broken your end of the bargain already, and therefore eroded her trust somewhat.

 

So don't smoke on weekdays, and her controlling behaviour might step down a notch or two.

[shoarma]

While I see your point, I also have objected to the guideline itself. I think it's arbitrary and used as a point of control. Also, she has claimed to understand that I will break the rules every now and then. To me, the dates don't matter, it's the amount of use. I have gone some weekends without it entirely.

[sb129]

I don't know then- why did you agree to rules if you ultimately don't believe in them?

 

Why did she ask for rules if she realises you will break them now and then?

 

It comes down to trust- she wants the rules so she feels that she can trust you, but you don't want rules, then you break them, therefore eroding her trust even further.

 

I would have had some kind of looser arrangement- such as "I will buy and smoke less pot overall" "I will cut my usage by half or incrementally".

 

You have made a start and seem to be heading in the right direction, however she ultimately wants you to give up altogether, and its obviously not happening fast enough for her.

 

I have similar thing with my H and smoking. He quit, but slips up now and then. It makes me a little mad, and the reason for that is his life insurance costs three times as much as mine, and we can't get it to come down until he has been smoke free for a year. Also we are having a baby, so no smoking of any kind in the house- he is cool with that.

 

The slip ups are occasional rather than regular, and he has got the free patches from the doctor etc, so I can't complain too much about it.

[shoarma]

Like I said, I agreed under duress. I have indeed objected to the schedule. A loose arrangement could be good.

 

But, basically, I don't think anyone can or should control someone else's habits. Your husband will quit if he wants to quit. If it is a result of pressure from you, he will smoke behind your back and resent you for it. I think it also paves the way for more sneaky behavior and deception. Analagous to women trying to make their husbands stop watching porn. It will never happen but will only harbour secrecy. Just my personal opinion... I have also had GFs try to make me quit smoking. Haha it made it SO much worse. This one doesn't care about the cigarettes (which is just crazy to me).

[SoulSearch_CO]

If you make an agreement with somebody and decide later you don't like the agreement, you don't just stab them in the back and change the agreement on your own. That's called LYING. Hello? I'd say her objection probably has more to do with your dishonesty and the clear message that pot is more important to you than your relationship with her.

 

If you don't like the agreement, or have decided it's not going to work, then you need to COMMUNICATE. Not just do what you want to do like you're having some kind of two-year-old's temper tantrum: "I'll do what I want!" At that point, she can either sit down with you and see if the new agreement works for her, too - or she can walk away. But this behind the back crap has got to stop. You said you were in your 30's, so why are you acting like a child?

[shoarma]

This response really helps me get at what I'm trying to say.

 

First, I didn't stab her in the back or lie to her. If you read my post, I communicated with her by telling her the agreement wasn't always going to work with me. I never lied. I told her that the weekend thing is generally a good thing, but sometimes I will am going to want to break it. That was me being honest about my habit and the course of weening off of it. That is not going behind her back. She agreed with me, and recognized that as long as I'm tapering off, it is a good thing. That still doesn't affect her anger. If you read my post, she still gets mad no matter when I smoke, weekday or not, and I consider that to be unfair. I think sb29 has a fine point, that she needs some sort of framework in which to trust me in, but she continues to show me that she does not trust me no matter what framework we are using.

 

Second, I've made no indication that the pot is more important to me than the relationship. By working on my problem and making a major change I have shown her that the relationship is indeed important to me. Imagine I was once a full blown alcoholic, drinking all day every day, and that she wanted me to slow down. Now, I drink a beer on Saturday, and a beer on Sunday, and every once in a while I drink a beer on Wednesday too. If she can't appreciate that progress, then I am at a loss. I have always been honest with her in that I will probably always smoke pot, but just less and less frequently and in smaller amounts. I think that's fair, because it's something that I enjoy doing now and then. It's important for me to be able to keep something that I enjoy, just like a previously obese person should still be able to enjoy a sweet treat now and then in moderation. If I had a once a month recreational habit, that would be great. Unlike alcohol or tobacco, I am not in danger of complete relapse to my old everyday use. That stage of my life is over, and frankly I am thankful that she has helped me get through it by voicing her concern. She has told me that she would be OK with a recreational habit, but her reaction to recreational use indicates otherwise.

 

I've made serious progress that she refuses to acknowledge. Why am I acting like a two year old child? Because I'm being treated like one.

[carhill]

I think she should accept you as you are or leave. Your brain chemistry likes cannabis and tobacco. I doubt that will change. Good on ya.

 

Now, let's say she drank alcohol every day, maybe not drunk, but under the influence. Say you had a problem with that. You don't drink or smoke. Could you accept her habit?

 

See, to me, it's about disparate perspective and brain chemistry and compatibility. Are you two compatible?

[shoarma]

Yes, I totally agree. We have very different opinions about drugs. She is basically a workaholic and is extremely disciplined. I can tend to be a workaholic also, but sometimes I need to relax. She also has a serious problem with drugs in general and lumps all illegal drugs together. Understanding pharmacology, I feel that all drugs including the legal ones are basically the same thing.

 

She maybe drinks twice a month like me. I would probably object to her habit if she drank every day, but I guess it depends on the situation. A beer a day, probably not. A beer on the weekends, definitely not.

 

We have discussed this issue of compatibility, and like I said, we have agreed to disagree. I come from a different background where pot basically isn't a big deal (I'm from the west coast, she's from the east, these are very different cultures). In my teens and early twenties, I tried basically every drug there is and can confirm that pot isn't such a big deal. To me it's far less destructive than alcohol but oh man let's not get into that discussion. A chronic habit of any sort is definitely bad, for pot mostly because of the social taboos but also because of the cognitive effects. I understand that. But especially given the fact that I am successful and am a good boyfriend, I feel it shouldn't matter. Even beyond that, I have made an effort to be a better person that she isn't recognizing... so yeah, maybe ultimately we're not compatible and she needs to find someone else.

[donnamaybe]

I've perused this thread a little and have only this to say:

 

I enjoy a little now and again. My ex enjoyed it way too much. He enjoyed it to the point that when he ran out one day, he cancelled family plans that were made weeks in advance because he just HAD to go get more immediately! Also, he would go through about $40 worth in about 3 days. Multiply that times the number of times he'd have to spend $40 in a month, and he's spending $400 a month on pot! He'd even smoke it immediately before going to sleep! How stupid and wasteful is that?!

 

Did I try to control his pot use? Hell, yes! Did it work? Hell, no. But, like I said, he's my ex.

[northstar1]

Yes, I totally agree. We have very different opinions about drugs. She is basically a workaholic and is extremely disciplined. I can tend to be a workaholic also, but sometimes I need to relax. She also has a serious problem with drugs in general and lumps all illegal drugs together. Understanding pharmacology, I feel that all drugs including the legal ones are basically the same thing.

 

She maybe drinks twice a month like me. I would probably object to her habit if she drank every day, but I guess it depends on the situation. A beer a day, probably not. A beer on the weekends, definitely not.

 

We have discussed this issue of compatibility, and like I said, we have agreed to disagree. I come from a different background where pot basically isn't a big deal (I'm from the west coast, she's from the east, these are very different cultures). In my teens and early twenties, I tried basically every drug there is and can confirm that pot isn't such a big deal. To me it's far less destructive than alcohol but oh man let's not get into that discussion. A chronic habit of any sort is definitely bad, for pot mostly because of the social taboos but also because of the cognitive effects. I understand that. But especially given the fact that I am successful and am a good boyfriend, I feel it shouldn't matter. Even beyond that, I have made an effort to be a better person that she isn't recognizing... so yeah, maybe ultimately we're not compatible and she needs to find someone else.

 

Sounds like she just doesn't feel she can trust you.

 

So I guess the choice is if she can't ultimately get over your weed habit, then it's going to continue to be a problem down the road as well, particularly if you decide to marry/have kids etc.

 

Would you quit entirely doing it, if it meant staying with her? I guess you need to determine that first, because it appears she's not going to be comfortable with any amount you are doing at some point.

[carhill]

Yes, it's not about whose habits are better or worse or which drug of choice is better or worse, it's about balance and health in the relationship.

 

BTW, my best friend is a functioning successful alcoholic; far more successful than I could ever imagine to be. Success and addiction are not mutually exclusive. Most addicts are not sleeping in boxes and slumped over in doorways. They're productive, functioning members of society who have a habit which is illegal and/or destructive in some way. It doesn't have to affect their social and monetary success.

 

I'm a lifelong abstainer from drugs, legal and illegal, and I likely would side with you here. She's trying, perhaps from a good place, to control and/or manipulate your behaviors. You have a choice. Accept her perspective and change, hopefully because you embrace that perspective, or reject it, and her. Like with you, I doubt her perspective would change. I can tell you, assuredly, I would not date an alcoholic/drug user nor marry one. Happy to co-exist though

[donnamaybe]

I can tell you, assuredly, I would not date an alcoholic/drug user nor marry one. Happy to co-exist though

 

So say you've been dating a woman, and you REALLY like her - a lot.

 

Several months in you find out she's on Prozac and has been ever since you've known her.

 

Is that drug okay?

 

Just wondering.

[shoarma]

In general, I don't believe there's any way to control someone's behavior. You're either going to help them realize that they need to control themselves, or your going to try and control someone yourself and fail.

 

My porn example: Across the world are a bunch of poor bastards who got caught with porn and after a painful day or two of arguing about how bad porn is have agreed to never watch it again. Right. You might as well try to get your husband to agree to stop drinking water. Women who believe their husbands on this matter are only lying to themselves and have failed to see that they have set up a sure-fire mechanism for their husband to start deceiving them and going behind their backs. Well, they asked for it.

[donnamaybe]

In general, I don't believe there's any way to control someone's behavior. You're either going to help them realize that they need to control themselves, or your going to try and control someone yourself and fail.

 

Well, that's what I tried to do. He didn't care about things like promises made to the children and then broken over pot. Bills that got paid AFTER he got his pot.

 

So he's history.

[carhill]

So say you've been dating a woman, and you REALLY like her - a lot.

 

Several months in you find out she's on Prozac and has been ever since you've known her.

 

Is that drug okay?

 

Just wondering.

I can answer that. My wife took Prozac and Effexor, prior to and during our marriage. Both drugs had substantial negative effects on emotion and libido. If confronted with that while dating, I would express concern, as I'm quite educated about brain meds from treating my mother's psychosis. I would suggest concurrent IC. If I experienced behaviors which I found to be incompatible with how I view a healthy relationship, I'd end it.

 

Adding, I did just that, with the female friend I often speak of here. I counseled her to try reverse titrating her psych meds and monitoring the results. She is now clear. She reports her emotional levels vacillate more than prior but, overall, she feels and thinks better. The only times she has complaints are during times of extreme stress, which now sometimes overwhelm her, where prior she felt disconnected. Hope that helps

[donnamaybe]

Hope that helps

 

It does. Tells me you're not a hypocrite. <--- You win a bunny!

[shoarma]

Oh man, and now comes everyone's personal opinion about the classes of drugs. So be it.

 

Carhil, you wouldn't date "an alcoholic/drug user."

 

This means that you would date someone who drank the occasional beer but not who was not an alcoholic? But you wouldn't date someone who used drugs period. Where does the distinction come in? If you meant either "alcohol user/drug user" or "alcoholic/drug abuser" then I can see your point. Otherwise, you seem to believe that there is a distinct difference between alcohol and drugs.

[donnamaybe]

Oh man, and now comes everyone's personal opinion about the classes of drugs. So be it.

 

Um, I think Carhill was the only one who brought up various drugs. So who is "everyone?"

[Untouchable_Fire]

Oh man, and now comes everyone's personal opinion about the classes of drugs. So be it.

Carhil, you wouldn't date "an alcoholic/drug user."

This means that you would date someone who drank the occasional beer but not who was not an alcoholic? But you wouldn't date someone who used drugs period. Where does the distinction come in? If you meant either "alcohol user/drug user" or "alcoholic/drug abuser" then I can see your point. Otherwise, you seem to believe that there is a distinct difference between alcohol and drugs.

 

There are too many drugs available to say I wouldn't date someone who does, met, oxy, tri, amp, xtz, thc... ect.

 

We can divide them into Legal... and Illegal. Into Addiction type behavior and non addiction behavior.

 

The bottom line is this. Learn to live without THC, or Learn to live without your GF, the two are now mutually exclusive. She won't accept it and you don't have a right to control her behavior on that point... so, if you don't like it... find somebody else!

 

This whole thread amounts to you getting external validation of your view. I'm right... she is wrong. Yes, your GF is wrong to try and control you. However, you can't expect her to change... and her need to control may just move to some other aspect of your life if you did quit smoking. So the ball is in your court, take her or leave her.

[shoarma]

please read the end of my first post, donnamaybe.

 

you came in with both an opinion and anecdote about pot, and then you went into discussing psych meds. Just saying, I'd rather steer this conversation back to my relationship.

[donnamaybe]

please read the end of my first post, donnamaybe.

 

you came in with both an opinion and anecdote about pot, and then you went into discussing psych meds. Just saying, I'd rather steer this conversation back to my relationship.

 

And I was staying on topic by explaining MY situation with over use of pot by my ex and was hoping to give you my perspective based on my experience.

 

So sorry about the one, single post to Carhill.

 

Sheesh Go smoke a joint and chill.

[carhill]

It does. Tells me you're not a hypocrite. <--- You win a bunny!

I will qualify that by stating that I did know my wife had used Prozac, concurrently with IC, prior to our M. It was not until later, after our M and my mom's disease, that I came to be educated about such matters. So, being married and my mom's disease changed my perspective about psych meds. I was ignorant prior.

 

his means that you would date someone who drank the occasional beer but not who was not an alcoholic? But you wouldn't date someone who used drugs period. Where does the distinction come in? If you meant either "alcohol user/drug user" or "alcoholic/drug abuser" then I can see your point. Otherwise, you seem to believe that there is a distinct difference between alcohol and drugs.

 

Yes, it's my personal preference. I grew up in the 70's, exposed to LSD, heroin, and cannabis, in addition to alcohol. There was a lot of peer pressure which I resisted. I saw many people destroyed by drugs. I just choose not to have an intimate relationship with someone whose brain chemistry responds in an addictive way to such substances. In addition, I would never support nor condone illegal behaviors, which illicit drug use necessitate. I didn't drink alcohol until old enough to do so legally. TBH, I didn't miss anything. I just don't have an addictive personality, except maybe for posting on LS

 

Hope that helps!

[shoarma]

Learn to live without THC, or Learn to live without your GF, the two are now mutually exclusive.

 

I don't think it's this cut and dry. She has told me she'd be okay with a recreational habit, and I don't think she's lying about that. But during the process, she doesn't trust me and gets angry.

[whichwayisup]

But the thing is, the issue IS the drugs!

 

She sees things one way, you see things another way. Bottomline is this, she is looking at your as 'husband' material and sees that you're addicted to smoking pot. She is thinking of her future, with you, having kids etc..And how the pot smoking comes into this.. Sorry, but she has a right to feel this way, just like you have a right to feel the way you do.

 

I can't see this working unless you quit doing pot. She isn't going to settle and put up with it - And she shouldn't..As you - If you don't want to give up pot, then maybe it is best for you two end things before you both get in deeper and more attached.

 

Unless you can come up with other issues in the relationship, any controlling behaviour on her behalf that have NOTHING to do with you smoking up, then this IS the issue.