babydreamer Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I'm a MW with a kid. Half a year ago I started a new job and had a major crush on one of the co-worker, whose a MM. After giving birth, my sex life with my husband just vanished. I don't know why but I don't like to kiss him or him getting near me sexually. Sex was horrible, it was just for him and hope he get it out of his system. I never want sex and he always wants it. So, we agreed to have sex twice a week. Yes, it was still too much for me. But to keep my marriage, I had to do it. We started out just being co-workers. A few months later, we started to see each other. He has the same problem at home, not sexually attracted to his wife. We had a sexual relationship and understand that I won't leave my husband and he won't leave his wife. My problem is that I think I'm falling for him. Sometimes I have mix feelings that I want to spend the rest of my life with him but other times, I know that I have the best family life and could never give that up minus the sexual part. How do I just keep the relationship with the MM at the sexual level and not emotional?
NoIDidn't Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 How do I just keep the relationship with the MM at the sexual level and not emotional? Stop having orgasms.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 The more you have sex with him, the more of those 'bonding' hormones your body will produce. Unless you have an iron will, or one hell of a compartmentalization process you cannot avoid the emotional part. Women just aren't equipped to do that easily. Basic biochemistry is what is going on here. Pick up a book called "Sperm Wars" and you'll see what I mean. Quite an eye opener and explains how sex dies in long term relationships and fires up in new ones. Oh... and women are far more likely to get pregnant by an outside partner than an inside one because of the nature of those 'sperm wars', so be careful if you can't be 'good' so to speak.
bentnotbroken Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 If you tell your H and his W, I imagine that will put a damper on the lusty feelings. Why haven't you told your H about your issue and sought professional help? Why go down the this road that will hurt so many?
blind_otter Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 You can't have sex with someone, enjoy their company, and hang out with them regularly without developing feelings unless you have had a partial lobotomy. So, you have two options, I guess. Have an elective partial lobotomy, or take a step back and stop having sex and clear your head, go to a therapist and try to attack the problems in your marriage directly, and live an honorable and open life.
Lizzie60 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 How do I just keep the relationship with the MM at the sexual level and not emotional? Humm.. methink it's a bit too late.. It is do-able to have a sexual relationship with a MM without getting emotionally involved.. but in your case, since you're already 'attached' to him.. it's almost impossible now to 'reverse' those emotions. No advices.. but maybe if you keep seeing him.. you might become 'tired' of him too.. who knows?
Author babydreamer Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Thank you guys for not telling me that I'm a horrible person and being judgemental about this issue. I told my husband about it but he thinks the problem is ME not being a sexual person. I told him that we need to get help due to the fact that I don't want to have sex with. He told me that maybe it's because of his weight. He will try to lose 30lbs and everything will change. I told him that losing those weights is not going to help but for his own health; it's not a bad idea. So, whenever I brought up help from a professional, he just ignored it. I will try NC to see if my feelings will go away. Any suggestions???
Owl Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Have you told your husband that you're having an affair? That your fine with having sex with someone else, just not him? Have you considered what it would take to fix things in your marriage? Or considered ending the marriage so that you both can be happy with someone else, since you're apparently not happy with each other?
Owl Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Something to consider here...many times an affair is a "wake up call" for a marriage...which it sounds like yours desperately needs.
Bryanp Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I am just curious but how would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him and putting his health at risk for STD's? How do you think he will feel when he eventually finds out that you have been screwing another man behind his back and meanwhile telling your husband you have a great family life. What you are doing will eventually destroy your husband and most certainly destroy your marriage. How can you not see that there will always be consequences to your actions. Do you think your husband would ever humiliate and disrespect you and your marriage the way you have done to him? Why don't you think beyond yourself and divorce your husband and allow him to find someone else who can truly love and respect him and a marriage because you clearly are not this person. I know this sounds harsh but it is reality. I think you and your OM make a perfect couple. You both have no problem humiliating and betraying your spouses behind their backs and making them look like fools because they trust the both of you. You need to be honest with your husband and tell him about your affair so at least he would have the opportunity to decide what he wishes to do about the marriage. This is not all about you. After all of what you have done, your husband deserves to know the truth about his marriage and wife. This is the least you can do for him.
2sure Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Having been OW and now currently a happily married woman... Affair Sex is in a league of its own. Sure, my H and I can heat it up and do, sometimes with the addition of other elements. But with Affair Sex, just like anything slightly taboo...its just hot in and of itself. Because its a secret, because its forbidden, because it may be rushed, etc.... So many people mistake the passion and intensity of affair sex for love. You can have the same sex with anyone you are attracted to, add the element of affair sex...and boom: This is SO special. Please. I'm telling you, you are making a mistake.
Spark1111 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 All the newest "dating/relationship" literature is pointing to the fact that women, especially, become emotionally bonded to a man by his semen due to the hormones we release. Perhaps this divine plan was to ensure the ancient clans weren't genetically muddied and only the strongest did survive. An explanation for why, until recently, women were not more promiscuous. And why we fall in love with men we sleep with, sometimes way before we realize whether or not they are any good for us. I agree with NID: stop having orgasms with this man and work on your marriage. Or like Owl suggested, end your marriage and free the both of you to find better partners.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Is it me or is this woman a complete dolt. What part of MARRIED doesnt understand? You dont solve problems by sleeping with someone else outside of marriage! Good lord, I would so divorce her if I was her husband reading her posts. Just had a baby by her husband and already screwing around, some wife she is. No loyalty, no trust, no nothing, Is that what marriage is, there' no remorse or I'm sorry i did it, she basically said she wants to continue the sexual relationship with the OM and not the emotional! is this woman delusional, because once this get's out when one of your co-workers snitches on you, I hope it was worth it.
Snowflower Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I think this thread should be moved over to OW/OM forum. It would be more appropriate.
angie2443 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Having been OW and now currently a happily married woman... Affair Sex is in a league of its own. Sure, my H and I can heat it up and do, sometimes with the addition of other elements. But with Affair Sex, just like anything slightly taboo...its just hot in and of itself. Because its a secret, because its forbidden, because it may be rushed, etc.... So many people mistake the passion and intensity of affair sex for love. You can have the same sex with anyone you are attracted to, add the element of affair sex...and boom: This is SO special. Please. I'm telling you, you are making a mistake. I hear this all the time. I'm wondering if the affair sex is sometimes less pleasurable because of guilt, or if there is no guilt in affair sex (not the whole relationship, just the sexual part).
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Thank you guys for not telling me that I'm a horrible person and being judgemental about this issue. Is that you acknowledging what your doing is wrong? Or just happy that others seem to agree that your doing the right thing? Do you have any feelings of guilt? I'm not really understanding where your coming from on this. Do you want to fix things with your husband... or try to hang onto both men? What is your ultimate goal here?
2sure Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 [QUOTE=angie2443;2182716]I hear this all the time. I'm wondering if the affair sex is sometimes less pleasurable because of guilt, or if there is no guilt in affair sex (not the whole relationship, just the sexual part). Angie - this is going to sound terrible but people having an affair feel guilt only when : 1. They are caught 2. They are not horny 3. They have just had sex. 4. If it becomes inconvenient, they tell themselves they feel guilt when really its just inconvenience or boredom with the A. Period.
Owl Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I think this thread should be moved over to OW/OM forum. It would be more appropriate. Why? She's not the OW...she's the MW who's having her own affair here. Wouldn't this forum be more appropriate because of that?
Snowflower Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Yeah, she is the MW but she is also the OW in this situation-her AP is a MM. I dunno...it just seems more appropriate to be over on the other forum. I could be wrong, but she doesn't seem to indicate that she is trying to stop the affair. She might get more useful advice (as far the OP is concerned) over there.
angie2443 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 [QUOTE=angie2443;2182716]I hear this all the time. I'm wondering if the affair sex is sometimes less pleasurable because of guilt, or if there is no guilt in affair sex (not the whole relationship, just the sexual part). Angie - this is going to sound terrible but people having an affair feel guilt only when : 1. They are caught 2. They are not horny 3. They have just had sex. 4. If it becomes inconvenient, they tell themselves they feel guilt when really its just inconvenience or boredom with the A. Period. No, it doesn't sound terrible. It makes sense. Thanks for answering.
Owl Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Yeah, she is the MW but she is also the OW in this situation-her AP is a MM. I dunno...it just seems more appropriate to be over on the other forum. I could be wrong, but she doesn't seem to indicate that she is trying to stop the affair. She might get more useful advice (as far the OP is concerned) over there. I dunno...she's had her original question answered as far as I can tell. She could be falling for him simply because they're being physicall intimate...which often DOES lead to emotional intimacy as well. Beyond that...she's not asked any further questions...and everyone (including me) is posting advice and suggestions on what to do from there. Posting there or here will likely net her the same responses from the same posters.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Angie - this is going to sound terrible but people having an affair feel guilt only when : 1. They are caught 2. They are not horny 3. They have just had sex. 4. If it becomes inconvenient, they tell themselves they feel guilt when really its just inconvenience or boredom with the A. Period. I didn't find it exciting. Maybe she did, but for me hiding everything was a drag. The sex itself was good, but I've had better... maybe it's just a thing women experience because the guy is trying his best to please.
lkjh Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I really hope I never end up with a wife like this. Way to look out for your family.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I'm a MW with a kid. Half a year ago I started a new job and had a major crush on one of the co-worker, whose a MM. After giving birth, my sex life with my husband just vanished. I don't know why but I don't like to kiss him or him getting near me sexually. Sex was horrible, it was just for him and hope he get it out of his system. I never want sex and he always wants it. So, we agreed to have sex twice a week. Yes, it was still too much for me. But to keep my marriage, I had to do it. We started out just being co-workers. A few months later, we started to see each other. He has the same problem at home, not sexually attracted to his wife. We had a sexual relationship and understand that I won't leave my husband and he won't leave his wife. My problem is that I think I'm falling for him. Sometimes I have mix feelings that I want to spend the rest of my life with him but other times, I know that I have the best family life and could never give that up minus the sexual part. How do I just keep the relationship with the MM at the sexual level and not emotional? Divorce your husband so he can move on with his life and find himself someone decent that will respect and love him. he doesn't deserve this.
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Well, OP, you've communicated your needs to your H and he has declined getting professional help. Tell me, what is your age and years married? Superficially, while you figure this out, maybe a transfer to another school and going NC with the MM would be helpful. If a MC were involved (if your H agreed to MC), s/he would surely insist on ending the A for effective therapy to take place. Another option would be to file for divorce and become an available OW. Interesting how the dynamic changes, isn't it? Some of the power goes away when you take off that ring. Think about that IMO, it's not about him being "good in bed"; rather it's about how you feel when you're in bed with him. The answers lay within you
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