Jealous AND wants "time"...

[wild trillium]

I've been dating a guy for 6 months that I dated 20 years ago briefly. We have always gotten along great and remained friends after the break up 20 years ago.

 

He is going thru a divorce and custody battle and is a recovering alcholic-sober for 1 year now.He lives about 6 hours away from me and I was seeing him about once per month for about 2 weeks per visit. In March we ended up spending most of the month together due to circumstances related to his custody issues in my state. He began talking about wanting to move in with me in my home with is child once the divorce was completed. This sounded pretty serious to me and I said that we could try it over the summer and see how it worked out. He was making plans to renovate my home, to raise chickens and build himself a workshop. Until that point I was pretty guarded with my feelings but began to feel safe with him after the conversations about the future.

 

So later that month I visited his state.While there he asked me if I'd be willing to move there since the kid really likes his school. I said that I would if things continued as they were at the time.

 

One evening he made a comment insinuating that I had been intimate in some way with another old friend before he & I had reconnected. I assured him that wasn't the case. I was still a bit shocked though. His stbx apparently had cheated on him and I'm assuming he has trust issues because of that. I let it go and thought no more about it.

 

The night before I left he told me that he was happier than he had been in years with me in his life again. I told him that I felt the same way.

 

His usual almost constant stream of communication kept up for about 2 weeks after I returned to my home and then suddenly I wasn't hearing from him as much anymore. We talked about it and he said he still wanted to date.

 

Since then the calls and texts have become more sporadic. I accidently sent him a text the weekend before last that was intended for a girlfriend of mine. It was a sarcastically funny text about her predilection for grape malt liquor. He txted back and said that I sent it to the wrong person-that it must be for my date for the night. He was mad at me!We ended up talking later & I explained the backstory on the text and he seemed ok.

 

He was making future plans to visit this summer last week and then when I talked to him again a few days days later he said that if I wanted to date others it was ok, just please tell him first. I said that I would and that it was something we had both agreed on months ago. I assured him again that I am not interested in anyone else and that I'm willing to wait for him to get his divorce & custody stuff worked out. He told me again that he was also not dating others and that there weren't many people he'd be willing to date.

 

He intiated a text or 2 over the next couple of days and said he'd call and didn't. So last night we were texting and I asked if he could talk. He said yes so I called. We talked for a few minutes and he seemed fine until I began to tell a story about something that happened to me over the weekend. I tell him who I'm hanging out with-he knows most of my friends- so that he knows whats going on in my life. He told me I needed to stop talking about the situation I was relating to him. I said ok, but I don't understand why. He said that I knew why-I reiterated that I didn't but that was ok. He suddenly started going off on me saying that he doesn't want to hear about me chatting up other guys. I tried to tell him that wasn't even remotely close to the case at all. He hung up on me. This was the first time EVER that we have had a fight. He wouldn't return my call back so I texted him to tell him again that I am not interested in dating others and how I actually feel about him (not too sappy, tho-just to the point). He finally texted me back later and said that he "needs a couple of days". He said he is not upset, appreciates my honesty , understands feeling vulnerable and needs time".

 

He expressed concern over getting in to a relationship with me at this point in his life yet maintained that he still wants to date a few days ago. I am totally confused by all of this.

 

I have not contacted him and won't. I respect his need for time. I just don't understand how something so good has gone so weird all the sudden.

 

Sorry to write a book here...Is this some kind of strange blow off? I don't get it.

 

Any ideas?

[LucreziaBorgia]

He is going thru a divorce and custody battle

 

There's your answer. When someone finally springs free, they aren't exactly too keen on jumping right back in. I'm sure he has a lot of stuff to process, and finding himself suddenly 'free' has likely opened up some possibilities for him - ones that while he doesn't want to lose you, he doesn't want to pass those up either.

 

Give him some time. Don't push. Trust me, when someone is divorcing the last thing they want is someone from the outside joining in on the 'pushing' process. He may even be on the fence about divorcing.

 

What to do? He is on the fence, and there is no reason to put your eggs in one basket right now. He is as likely to bolt as he is to stay with you. I wish I could be more positive about this, but in this situation there really aren't a lot of positives. Just a lot of unknowns.

 

he said that if I wanted to date others it was ok

 

Men don't say this unless they are doing it or considering it themselves.

 

Tread carefully. Very carefully.

[wild trillium]

Thank you. I kind of figured as much with the wanting to date others. If that is what he needs to do it is ok. I just would like some honesty.

 

He began texting me @ 7 am this morning with details about his custody issues.I was polite & encouraging in my return texts. I did let him know that if he needed to talk I'd listen & he responded with "roger". I take that to mean he understands but no thanks. I'm still not going to initiate any communication with him but will respond if he texts me.The next time we talk I'll probably just make it easier for him & tell him that we should see other people. I don't want to be a hindrance or second best for anyone.

 

Guess this is the way it goes sometimes. I know I can't be happy with someone who is not happy enough with me to be faithful to me as we agreed at the beginning of this. Better to have it happen now than if after one of us had moved in with the other.

[wild trillium]

Jeez....He just spent the last hour texting me. It was more of a conversation than we have had in days. It was very positive and he was pretty complimentary toward me- as he had been in the past. I'm going to keep it light and friendly & see what happens over the next few days. Not sure what else to do.

[robinincarolina]

I am experiencing the same thing, without the jeolousy though. Ten months and he does not know if he wants a relationship. Its hard, but I don't contact him. He does try to throw me a crumb here and there, but I don't know about you, but crumbs are just not enough for me. When he does contact me, I share very little about my life and whats going on. Yes I love this man, but if there is any chance in hell of getting him back, I have to let him go. In the meantime, I am moving on, and more than likely, will get to a point where I don't want him anymore. I am way more valuable than that, and so are you I am sure.

[wild trillium]

Thanks for your kind words. I hope your situation works out for you. It sounds like you have a good handle on what to do with yourself in regards to self protection & moving forward.

 

Mine started texting me @ 7:30 this morning for about an hour & a half and I texted him in the afternoon since he started the morning round. In the end he sent me over 30 texts so far today. Just shooting the **** and talking about work, friends & divorce type stuff.

 

This is the way it used to be although he didn't actually call today. I'm keeping it friendly & light with no mention of dating whatsoever.Interestingly (to me, anyway), this is the way our dating began last fall.

 

He even texted that he was going to "go & look at a potential landscaping job now" to end the last text session which is unusual for lately. Before he just disappeared. I'm a little more hopeful but very, very cautious. I figure that if all he needs is a friend right now I can be that. have been for 20+ years.

 

We'll see...

[Ayla]

I disagree about the whole he is asking if you are dating other people cos he wants to. Why is he getting divorced? Cos of his alcoholism? Did his ex wife cheat? Did he cheat? Does he gave confidence problems (bet you he does).

 

Odds are he really likes you but gas a fear of losing you to someone else for some reason, so he is putting on a bravado and protecting himself. I do not recommend that you say you should both start seeing other people-I think it would only cause damage.

 

You are right, he needs a friend at the moment-for a recovering alcoholic a divorce and custody battle must be causing a lot if inner turmoil...

 

Hope it works out for you

[stillafool]

I've been dating a guy for 6 months that I dated 20 years ago briefly. We have always gotten along great and remained friends after the break up 20 years ago.

 

He is going thru a divorce and custody battle and is a recovering alcholic-sober for 1 year now.He lives about 6 hours away from me and I was seeing him about once per month for about 2 weeks per visit. In March we ended up spending most of the month together due to circumstances related to his custody issues in my state. He began talking about wanting to move in with me in my home with is child once the divorce was completed. This sounded pretty serious to me and I said that we could try it over the summer and see how it worked out. He was making plans to renovate my home, to raise chickens and build himself a workshop. Until that point I was pretty guarded with my feelings but began to feel safe with him after the conversations about the future.

 

So later that month I visited his state.While there he asked me if I'd be willing to move there since the kid really likes his school. I said that I would if things continued as they were at the time.

 

One evening he made a comment insinuating that I had been intimate in some way with another old friend before he & I had reconnected. I assured him that wasn't the case. I was still a bit shocked though. His stbx apparently had cheated on him and I'm assuming he has trust issues because of that. I let it go and thought no more about it.

 

The night before I left he told me that he was happier than he had been in years with me in his life again. I told him that I felt the same way.

 

His usual almost constant stream of communication kept up for about 2 weeks after I returned to my home and then suddenly I wasn't hearing from him as much anymore. We talked about it and he said he still wanted to date.

 

Since then the calls and texts have become more sporadic. I accidently sent him a text the weekend before last that was intended for a girlfriend of mine. It was a sarcastically funny text about her predilection for grape malt liquor. He txted back and said that I sent it to the wrong person-that it must be for my date for the night. He was mad at me!We ended up talking later & I explained the backstory on the text and he seemed ok.

 

He was making future plans to visit this summer last week and then when I talked to him again a few days days later he said that if I wanted to date others it was ok, just please tell him first. I said that I would and that it was something we had both agreed on months ago. I assured him again that I am not interested in anyone else and that I'm willing to wait for him to get his divorce & custody stuff worked out. He told me again that he was also not dating others and that there weren't many people he'd be willing to date.

 

He intiated a text or 2 over the next couple of days and said he'd call and didn't. So last night we were texting and I asked if he could talk. He said yes so I called. We talked for a few minutes and he seemed fine until I began to tell a story about something that happened to me over the weekend. I tell him who I'm hanging out with-he knows most of my friends- so that he knows whats going on in my life. He told me I needed to stop talking about the situation I was relating to him. I said ok, but I don't understand why. He said that I knew why-I reiterated that I didn't but that was ok. He suddenly started going off on me saying that he doesn't want to hear about me chatting up other guys. I tried to tell him that wasn't even remotely close to the case at all. He hung up on me. This was the first time EVER that we have had a fight. He wouldn't return my call back so I texted him to tell him again that I am not interested in dating others and how I actually feel about him (not too sappy, tho-just to the point). He finally texted me back later and said that he "needs a couple of days". He said he is not upset, appreciates my honesty , understands feeling vulnerable and needs time".

 

He expressed concern over getting in to a relationship with me at this point in his life yet maintained that he still wants to date a few days ago. I am totally confused by all of this.

 

I have not contacted him and won't. I respect his need for time. I just don't understand how something so good has gone so weird all the sudden.

 

Sorry to write a book here...Is this some kind of strange blow off? I don't get it.

 

Any ideas?

 

He seems terribly emotional for his age. It also seems he has a problem communicating and let's things fester and the blows up. This will get old fast.

 

Maybe he is thinking things are going too fast between the two of you since he is going through a divorce. He may need some time before he settles down and doesn't know how to tell you this so he is using this situation as an excuse.

[wild trillium]

Well... he is divorcing her because she apparently had several incidents of cheating on him in the 12 years that they were married. He definitely has some emotional issues, I will agree to that. He does blow up but seems to do it right away from my experience.

 

I found out last night that he suddenly began texting a mutual friend who he hadn't communicated with in a while on two days ago. He knows that this friend & I hang out at least once a week in a group of people. The friend is a male and he is dating a few different girls casually. I thought it interesting since he said a while back that he didn't think he was going to text him so much anymore and just stopped. Not sure why. I was just telling him last week what a good friend this guy is to both my best friend & I. We all tend to take care of each other in the way of designated drivers on our nights out & crash pads when needed.

 

He apparently didn't mention me in any of the texts but did talk about his stress levels being high due to his drama.Makes sense. I can't help but wonder if he was trying to see if my friend might volunteer information about my recent activities in light of his accusation about me chatting up other guys. It could just be paranoia on my part. Who knows. I don't believe in cheating so there is nothing for him to find out about.

 

Last month when this unusual behavior with him began I gave him every possible easy out. I told him that if we needed to go back to the friend level that it was ok & that I want for him to be happy. He was adamant then that he didn't. I don't want to keep asking and he has made comments about our dating within the last 2 weeks. I just don't get the communication problem.

 

Anyway, I texted him this morning & he responded. He had to work today so I got 2 texts from him. I know he is busy so I didn't send anymore after the 2 I sent. I don't want to be a pest.

 

The lack of phone calls bugs me. I take it that he just doesn't want to talk to me since he doesn't call me.*sigh*

[wild trillium]

I talked to him for about an hour last night on the phone.It was a good conversation. He was definitely flirting the way he did when we first started talking again.He mentioned that I didn't need to worry about him messing around with other women @ the the party he was going to later in a funny sort of way while he was flirting.

 

He didn't get home til late last nite.He texted me in the morning to tell me a little about his evening. He was tired from not sleeping enough before work.He did tell me last night that he would text & call me. He did text but no calls. Not really an issue- I don't need to talk with him daily.

 

I wish I felt more certain of how this is going or if it is. I guess it is the chance a person takes sometimes.

[wild trillium]

So now he has been texing me a few sentences almost daily ( missed Saturday). Tonight he texted me about a phone that I sent him to use- he said his was acting up & I had an extra.

 

He recently talked with me about getting on my phone plan; I said sure as long as you pay your half of the bill each month.He has had the phone for a week and reception is notoriously spotty where he lives.I asked him this morning to go ahead & turn it on as I don't want to be locked into a longer contract if it isn't going to work for him. So as I said he texted me several hours later & said he was good on the phone, and didn't turn it on. I thought ok, whatever, probably for the best at this point. A few minutes later I tried to call him. He didn't answer. I know he had his phone on him as he had just texted me. I haven't actually spoken to him in about a week.

 

I decided to broach the subject thru texting, not my preferred medium but, hey- the other option wasn't working. So I told him that I couldn't imagine that I'd pissed him off since our communication has been so minimal lately so what's going on. Probably not the best thing but I have a tendency to say what is on my mind.

 

I also called him on the thing about telling me that he would call and not doing it. It happened more than 10 times recently. I told him that it was rude & that I'm getting tired of it.

 

His response was that he didn't feel like talking to anyone right now and that he didn't realize that he'd neglected to call me and that it wasn't intentional.He added that he was afraid something like this might happen.

 

B*llsh*t! Unless someone is on crack or suffering from amnesia they don't just "forget" to call their significant other (or in my case, obviously insignificant) for a week.This is coming from a guy who used to blow up my phone night and day and at least called every other day.We used to have marathon conversations lasting more than 4 hours at one point.

 

He did point out that he has been texting though, which is true.

He told me that if I was mad then be mad.

 

I told him that it feels like he has lost interest and if so that is ok- I just don't want to be left hanging.He told me that he is dealing with his own stuff & there is no loss of interest.

 

I am obviously suffering from a raging case of pms and I've had a couple bad dreams lately about this situation. I'm definitely feeling a little touchy here.

 

While I empathize with his messed up situation I really can't tell if this is a blow off or his way of trying to deal with it. He says it is how he deals with issues (to withdraw) but his behavior shows all the signs of a bail out from my perspective.

 

I don't want to be taken for granted or strung along and I'm just not sure where to go with this.I told him that the ball is in his court this time on phone calls. I won't be calling him unless there is some kind of emergency (didn't tell him that, tho).

 

I did text an apology later for being harsh and he ended up making jokes about it so I guess he isn't mad.He knows that I rarely get aggravated.It usually takes me quite a while to get p*ssed about things.I'm over it to some degree now but still not liking the situation as it is and am still confused.

 

If I reincarnate in the next life I seriously hope that I come back as a rock or a nice tree or something.Surely they don't have these kinds of ridiculous relationship problems.*sigh*

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would wager a large amount of money that he is playing the field right now. There is no other reason why he would tell you that it was ok for you to see other people. Men just don't do that unless they are considering it or doing it themselves, or they are doing it as a passive aggressive way of breaking up.

 

I don't know that he has lost interest, but it is clear he has interests elsewhere as well.

[wild trillium]

I agree about him likely having interests elsewhere; that too is ok. We aren't married. I certainly wouldn't like it but I'd be out dating other people and having fun with other people myself if I knew for absolute certain that it were the case.

 

He does know my stance on the dating others thing- which is if you are dating others then you aren't going to be dating me. He agreed & said that he felt the same.This is something we talked about back in December. So maybe that is why he doesn't have the doodads to just come out with it?

 

What I don't understand is why he would want to keep me hanging if that is what he is doing. I also can't imagine that he would want to make his life more complicated than it already is. He is his early 40's, going through a divorce from a high school sweetheart, engaged in custody issues and is mildly bipolar to top it off. You never know though.

 

If I hadn't have known him for 20+ years and have never known him to be dishonest I wouldn't have gotten involved with him again.

 

Maybe he wants to be sure that our now pseudorelationship is the right thing for him? I definitely don't know.

 

He has initiated texts to me for days now. I think he has been trying to see how long I will go without contacting him and he has only made it for 1 day stretches so far.Still no calls tho.

 

When he made the comment about seeing other people I had just asked him if he was & told him that if so it is ok- just be honest about it. His response was an emphatic "no". He then said that 6 months (how long the divorce will take) is a long time and if I wanted to see others that he would understand because it is such a long time-just please tell him first.

 

If he were staying in contact I would wait for 6 months.Hell, it has been 20 years since we last dated and I guess I've always had a thing for him so waiting wasn't an issue until he started to drift away like this.

 

The funny thing is that I'm not exactly fugly and have no shortage of guys hitting on me. Most people think that I am 10 to 15 years younger than I actually am until they are informed of my real age. I am often asked to provide proof on the disclosure at the time.It has been a big joke with my girlfriends when I get hit on by college age guys.He knows this. And it does bug him, or did anyway. I own a home, am working on my second degree and have a pretty stable life. Dating other people won't be difficult although I tend to be super picky and rarely find people with interests similar to mine in the small town where I live. I'm not bragging by any means, just realizing that I don't need to put up with this wishy-washy nonsense after all.

 

Our life goals aren't even similar- they are exactly the same as far as the kind of life style we want to have.We both love the same kinds of music, which is pretty eclectic- he is the only person I have ever known who I can sit down & listen to punk rock oldies, bluegrass & go-go with. We both love to read and haven't owned tvs in many years.We also like to camp and do other outdoorsy things.

 

Thinking about the above makes me feel very disappointed because I have never found anyone else who is so similar in mindset to me as this guy. I realized last night that what bothers me the most about this is the limbo status. I spent the last 4 years of my marriage in limbo and it sucked royally. I have no desire to be in limbo land for long with this guy regradless of his good attributes.I am just not up for it.

 

So as it stands-I won't initiate contact period. I will respond in a friendly way- we have always been friends.But I'm going to work on moving on now.

 

As a matter of fact I will be going tonight to see a rockabilly show with another male friend who I think is interested in me. He is a good 7 years younger than I but we do have some similar interests- hard to find in this town. I don't think it is really a date since another guy is going, but still I think it might be a step in the right direction for now, although I am seriously debating on whether or not I want to explore cougarism at this point.We'll see. And I have no intention of telling my communicationally challenged "friend" anything about it. I don't feel like I owe any explanations right now.

[wild trillium]

I went to the show last night with my friends and had a great time! The guy I went with is super sweet and we really had a blast together.

 

Later in the evening the pseudoboyfriend started texting me. he told me that he has lost custody of his son. I am pretty heartbroken for them both on this as the kid is very vocal about wanting to be with his dad. and I know that the bf is taking this very hard.I told him that if he wanted to talk, I'd listen and he told me that he was almost out of minutes again and can't buy more for is phone until next week. Seems a lil hokey to me. I don't understand why he keeps on with the texting but doesn't want to talk. it is way too weird in my opinion.

 

I'm going to just try to stick to being a good friend only and leave it at that for now or maybe longer.Don't know what else to do. The guys life is a terrible soap opera right now and while I love him to death I don't see how else I can help.At this point I don't want to get sucked into the drama any further. With all the craziness in his life rigt now I don't see how he would have the energy to be dating others, but on the other hand I realized last night that I really just don't care. I feel like that aspect of our relationship is done & I'm cool with moving on. I think it is at the least better for my own sake than to wait around and hope in the midst of all of his drama.Sad for him but true for me now.

[wild trillium]

Amazingly enough he called me today! I almost didn't bother to answer the phone because I want to move on from this aspect of our relationship now.

 

So we talked about general stuff, just catching up for a while.I then initiated a conversation about our current state of affairs.I just told him point blank that I truly value his friendship but that I think it is best if we step back from this now. I told him that I could sense his confusion and that I feel that he needs to take the time to get his life stuff in order and if down the road he wanted to revisit a dating relationship that if I wasn't involved with anyone I'd consider it. He agreed that it is probably for the best right now and that he didn't want to hurt me or look like an @sshole in my eyes. He seemed a little taken aback that I am so willing to accomodate his needs on this. I found this rather interesting.

 

I told him that I think that he should date other people and that he may very well find someone else that he likes more me.I let him know kindly but in no uncertain terms that I would be dating as well.

 

He began to list all the things that he likes about me and how compatible we are.He kept going on about how he gets along better with me than anyone else and how I am @ the top of his list of trusted people.All of what he was saying seems true however if I'm going to do this with him I want the whole enchilada-not just a little taste here & there, thanks.

 

I told him that it is better for him to get all this stuff out of his system now if he wants to try this again later IF I'm even up for it later. He did inadvertantly imply that there is someone else that he *might* be interested in but he doesn't feel ready to pursue it. I reiterated that neither of us needs another unhealthy relationship and we are obviously @ different points in our healing from the divorce process. He agreed to this, as well.

 

I let him know that his friendship alone means too much to me to risk losing it by trying to get into something that one of us isn't ready for. I explained that I feel that if a relationship isn't right at the time for one person than it is not right for either of them at that time. I also told him that his honesty in this today has given me more reason to trust him and that I appreciated it very much. We ended up talking for 3 hours.

 

He told me that when he stopped communicating as much last month that it was because he was depressed and disappointed that he finally could see himself having a real relationship with someone (meaning me) and that he felt that he has to work on himself and his multitude of issues now.He went on about how sad he was because I have the things (farming/alternative lifestyle) & interests already cultivated in my life that he ultimately wants. It is sad and I too feel disappointed.

 

I told him that I want to stay in touch periodically and he immediately started telling me how much he likes talking to me and asked if I would call him. I agreed but in retrospect I don't intend to initiate contact with him for a good while. We both need some time. When he contacts me I will respond as a good friend only. And he will. We spoke in the early afternoon and he was texting me by midnight.

 

This poor guy is a confused mess & I feel for him but I have to take care of myself. I told him that I would like to see him again at some point and he immediately jumped in and said that he would like that but has to check his work schedule for the coming month. I never said anything about seeing him again that soon- I just don't want to lose touch completely again as we did for a few years there. I agreed that I'd take a look @ mine as well for June-I have a lot of school/work stuff going on. I also let him know that when I visit it will be on purely platonicly friendly terms. I mean that completely. I am more than willing to continue our friendship but b*ll***** games will not be tolerated, even if unintentional. If it seems it is going that route I'll be in my car & rolling out in no time flat.

 

So I feel pretty good about this and a sense of relief that I didn't know I'd experience. There is some sadness as well, but this may or may not be forever. I don't intend to hold onto hope and it would take an awful lot of hard thinking on my part before committing to a relationship with him again. I think the world of him & wish him the absolute best but I want the best for myself, too.

 

I'm glad I was able to vent here during this strange process of breaking up with one of my all time best friends and hope that maybe my issues can help someone else to come to terms with their own break up in a positive way. Thanks for the advice that I was given, it was much appreciated.

 

I guess this really all boils down to that whole "if you love someone set them free" thing...and I do love him. Not saying in love necessarily, but I do love him all the same.

 

Btw-I have a date with that sweet younger guy this week! Maybe a little down here but not out by any stretch!lol...