brady67 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I'm in a long distance relationship with a WONDERFUL man. He's amazing, and I care about him so much. We see each other a lot, and everything seemed to be going smooth. We got a little bumpy a month back and we took a break, but we got back together. During the "break" I hung out with my ex one time because we're still friends.. (Just as he's friends with his ex). Anyways, he would ask me if I've ever hung out with him and I always told him no no, I swore up and down and told him no. He found out that I lied and I told him everything and the truth. He right then said it was over and we could NEVER get back together. My word meant nothing to him anymore, and he'll never believe anything that I'll say again. That was the first night. The second night he would still say that he didn't want me back, but then it switched to.. not wanting me back to "I don't want you back right now.. and maybe in a few months we could work something out". Then last night we talked.. and I told him how sorry I was and that I wanted to fix the mistake I made, and that I wanted to make it right again, and his exact words were "we'll see..". I don't know exactly what to do.. my heart is breaking, I know I should never have lied to him, and I don't even know WHY I lied to him.. but I've been trying so hard to get him back. I would text him a lot the first day or two and he got aggravated so I've been giving him his space and stuff.. I hope that helps. I want to know if there's anything I can do to change his mind.. since it seems to ME at least that it's kind of changing already.. with him saying "we'll see.." blah.. I was planning on moving out there with him and everything. I don't have a job right now and no car atm.. so he said to me that I should get a job and a car since he's the one who always comes and sees me.. you think that has something to do with it too?... Just how do I act towards him.. it really sucks because of the distance between us.. and he's starting school tomorrow. So it's going to be hard to talk to him anyways. He cares about me, and I do too... I just want to make this work out. He told me last night it's not all about the trust issue either, before we were going through problems with his feelings, and he was starting to gain them back and then this happened so i'm back to where i started.. and before you say that he won't get back with me because of his feelings - like i said we were going through that before and we had a break or w/e for like two weeks.. and during that time we barely spoke and he came back to me.. so it HAS worked before with him. Any advice is welcome. Thanks
boogieboy Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 He mustve gotten burned by the last woman, because your lie put it in his head that you will always lie to him. You lied because you were afraid he would be jealous and cause a confrontation. You can only wait for him to come back to you, but he will probably always be suspicious, unless he is bi-polar.....
KikiW Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 It sounds to me like you two have had some ups and downs. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he has felt like he is the one doing most of the work (because he has a job and a vehicle, etc), putting the most of it on the line. On top of which, you lied to him. If all you did was hang out with your ex (and by hanging out I mean just spending time watching a movie or having a drink or something, not the "getting laid" kind of hanging out), then there WAS no reason for you to lie, particularly since he apparently is still friendly with HIS ex. Just because he came back to you before doesn't mean he will continue to come back to you. There may come a time where he has simply had enough. If I were him, I would probably be doing the same thing - it is of the greatest importance that my SO is completely truthful with me. If I found out he lied to me, especially over something that seems rather trivial, then I would assume he would lie to me about something important. I am worth more than to be lied to, and your BF may feel the same way. You will need to give him his space, and you will have to prepare yourself for him to be gone for good. But if you are lucky enough to be given another chance, I would highly recommend pledging never to act that way again, and make honesty your first priority. Then stick to it.
Island Girl Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Hi and welcome to the Loveshack. I took the liberty of unbolding your post (it's kind of frowned upon to put an entire post in bold). I hope you don't mind. Here's hoping that something said here by myself or the others will help you. I'm in a long distance relationship with a WONDERFUL man. He's amazing, and I care about him so much. We see each other a lot, and everything seemed to be going smooth. How long have you been together? We got a little bumpy a month back and we took a break, but we got back together. What was this about? What caused the bumpiness? During the "break" I hung out with my ex one time because we're still friends.. (Just as he's friends with his ex). Anyways, he would ask me if I've ever hung out with him and I always told him no no, I swore up and down and told him no. Why did you feel you had to lie about it? After all he is friends with his ex so he must not see anything wrong with that. And you are friends with your ex so they have met, right? He found out that I lied and I told him everything and the truth. He right then said it was over and we could NEVER get back together. My word meant nothing to him anymore, and he'll never believe anything that I'll say again. He was angry. Either he was saying what he really feels or he was just speaking out of anger. But you have violated his trust in you and it seems that there is a bit more to this than just the lie. He asked you about this repeatedly. So for some reason he is really bothered by this ex of yours. Why is that? That was the first night. The second night he would still say that he didn't want me back, but then it switched to.. not wanting me back to "I don't want you back right now.. and maybe in a few months we could work something out". Then last night we talked.. and I told him how sorry I was and that I wanted to fix the mistake I made, and that I wanted to make it right again, and his exact words were "we'll see..". Well you have put yourself in a hell of a pickle. You lied about something - technically you were broken up so the tactic should have been "we were on a break" with disclosure. But you chose to lie instead. So now you are begging for him back. A couple of things are happening. He doesn't have to worry about you being with anyone else or finding anyone else because you are too wrapped up and busy chasing him. And he gets to sit back and dictate the entire situation. He gets to set up if he'll see you, when he see you. how long he'll spend, and what he'll talk about. Not a good position for you to be in. I don't know exactly what to do.. my heart is breaking, I know I should never have lied to him, and I don't even know WHY I lied to him.. Well you should really think about that. Because there has to be a reason you did and over and over when he kept asking. but I've been trying so hard to get him back. I would text him a lot the first day or two and he got aggravated so I've been giving him his space and stuff.. I hope that helps. The space will help. And you aren't going to like this but more of it would actually be better. In fact you should tell him: I lied to you and that was wrong. It will never happen again and all I can do is show you that. BUT in order to prove that to you we have to be in a relationship. You are unwilling to commit to working through this and staying together. I have been begging you to be together. And this is wrong too. In order for this to work you have to want it too. So I am letting you know I want this. If you do then I hope you let me know and we have our chance but I can't just sit around hoping for that either. And I hope you understand that. I want to know if there's anything I can do to change his mind.. since it seems to ME at least that it's kind of changing already.. with him saying "we'll see.." The only change worth noticing is "we're back together". Anything else is just more of the same -- words that get you off his back for the moment but still mean "we are still not together". blah.. I was planning on moving out there with him and everything. I don't have a job right now and no car atm.. so he said to me that I should get a job and a car since he's the one who always comes and sees me.. you think that has something to do with it too?... If he is telling you to get a job where you are he isn't planning on you moving sweetie. Now the car - he could mean so you can get around to work, etc and that may include going to see him. Just how do I act towards him.. it really sucks because of the distance between us.. and he's starting school tomorrow. So it's going to be hard to talk to him anyways. He cares about me, and I do too... I just want to make this work out. He has to care enough about the relationship and you to want to forgive you and want to get past it. It doesn't sound like he is at that point. Sometimes this can happen when you actually give someone time without you so they can really experience what they'd be missing. If you duck out and he doesn't miss you then he never was as invested as you thought he was or needed to be. The trick is you do have to be missing from his life. That means no texts, e-mails, etc. That is why you explain it and let him know you can't limp along. It is all or nothing. He told me last night it's not all about the trust issue either, before we were going through problems with his feelings, and he was starting to gain them back and then this happened so i'm back to where i started.. So he was having problems with his feelings - as in not "loving" you like that anymore, etc. So it is even more important that you vaporize right now. While you are constantly around kissing his behind and you aren't even going out - he is losing so much respect for you. The anger about you lying on top of his questions about how he really feels and then you being all desperate and pleading? Recipe for disaster. Trust me. and before you say that he won't get back with me because of his feelings - like i said we were going through that before and we had a break or w/e for like two weeks.. and during that time we barely spoke and he came back to me.. so it HAS worked before with him. I think the barely spoke part is enlightening right? and yes you went through that before -- but when you got back together it wasn't fixed (he said so) and then you lied and he found out about it and completely broke it off. So this isn't like it was before. Things are much different now.
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