kiraknight Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Hello. I have not posted in a long time. I was not sure where to put this thread, it could fall under Dating, Coping or Friends... My first love was my highschool boyfriend. We broke up due to distance when we went away to college, got back together and broke up again freshmen year. After that, we rotated from being just friends then to being friends with benefits sometimes. I really wanted to stay friends with him. He was seriously my best friend and I was fine with being able to separate my feelings from platonic ones, maybe because we were friends for a long time before. But I knew he would start off saying just friends is fine and then things would start to happen...so for myself I broke it off with him before I returned to school a year after we broke up. He came back after a few months when we were at school and said he "loved me" over AIM...thats usually how we communicated distance wise but we later started talking on the phone again. Unfortunately, during this few months break of silence I got brutally raped at my school. I turned into an absolute emotional wreck, really no words can describe how miserable I was. I was constantly having flashbacks of what happened to me and waking up in the hospital. When we returned home that summer and this guy didnt say "lets get back together" and act like my sweet HS boyfriend that I needed to help get through this, I got upset and took out my wretched feelings on him sometimes and annoyed him to death frequently. He was sort of supportive in the beginning but not really when compared to others. If I hadnt gotten raped, the further lack of commitment wouldnt have been a big deal but I guess he did it at a bad time and I was coping in a bad way, which I continued to do for awhile. Eventually, he said I pushed him away for the last time and stopped talking to me. At this point I was still very depressed and acting bipolar, and thought about killing myself alot. I then got help which did help alot. Later around Christmas when I was about halfway better, I just sent him an email apologizing for how I acted and that I was doing better and that I hoped one day he would forgive me. He never emailed me back. A week ago, I was thinking about how it bothered me greatly how now even when Im almost back to normal, certain people have labeled me "psycho" when theyve never experienced pain like I have. This really bothers me and whenever I think about this it makes me feel awful. My therapist said this is normal once rape victims have calmed down and she said if I think its good for me I should try to make amends. I decided to email him again, one last time after another 4 months, to see if hed forgiven me yet. I should also mention I have a boyfriend now that I like so much, and I would never break up with him for this guy that ditched me. This email was really about me seeing if he had forgiven me yet. I simply said "Hey how are you...NZ is alot better than Florida." (He goes to school in Florida, NZ is where Im studying abroad currently" 2 days later, he hadnt emailed me back. I know for a fact he checks his email 3x a day, especially when he is home. I dont know why, maybe because when I talked to my friends they said "If he hasnt forgiven you hes really being a jerk..." but I then sent another email and I wasnt trying to be mean but I just said "Hey, Im sorry for the way I acted but I seriously was just going through a difficult time. I am so much better now and feel guilty for the way I treated you. Its been over a year now and you still havent forgiven me? I never thought of you as the grudge holding type" Surprisingly, he emailed me back the next day and said "I don't hold a grudge actually. I just dont have a computer right now. I have to send mine in to get fixed. how is new zealand?" Now I feel immensely relieved that he has forgiven me and hope that one day others will too. Now I dont know what to do. I feel like I should say something back and I prob will sometime, but now I am afraid if I keep talking to him he will want to see me over the summer because I return home soon. Now I may be arrogant assuming that, he may just talk to me a little and thats it. But I dont know if I really want to see him. Id feel uncomfortable after the ridiculous way I acted and not only that, I have a boyfriend Im crazy about.
Cinnamon777 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I would write back to him. You were hoping to hear a response from him and I would think that he would appreciate one too. If you are crazy about your current boyfriend, then you really have nothing to loose by responding. Share with him your happiness, your relief that he forgave you, and the joy that you feel now that you have made so much progress in your healing. Don't go overboard with how awesome your current guy is so that he doesn't feel like a jerk since you are trying to move beyond the past. Are you nervous that you might want to meet up with him when you return home? If you have some lingering romantic feelings for him then you will want to make every effort to not explore that with him unless you are willing to let go of your current relationship. If you are ready to be just friends... then there is no problem. It's important to maintain boundries, but being friends could be rewarding.
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