ellroyfan Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I met this girl at school and we've really hit it off. We've been seeing each other for a few months now and things are going great...except... The whole time I've been seeing her, she still lives with her boyfriend. She can't stand him, and I have no reason to believe there is anything going on there. She's told me (and repeatedly told me how she tells him) he's a complete loser. She's really staying with him out of convenince while she rounds out her final semester of school. Every time I've asked her when she is planning to tell him to take a hike, it seems like she gives me some kind of excuse like, "Well, I have finals, and I don't want that extra stress". Which I, trying to be understanding and really wanting to be with her, say OK and leave it at that. But, it seems like she's given me about four different excuses and keeps saying, "I just don't want to have to deal with that drama right now." I asked her once again today -- she has no stressors to deal with this week or next -- if she has an "exit plan" yet. She pretty much told me that she hasn't really thought about it. First off, I know I'm an idiot for getting involved with someone that is already in a relationship, even though their plan is to end it. I'm mainly looking for feedback on how long I should wait and be patient? Like I said, she is an incredible person and we have a great time together, and I don't want to make her feel like I'm pressuring her and wind up losing out on our future. I'm just getting tired of being the "other guy", only getting to see her when she has time for me/can "sneak away". That coupled with the fact that I've been told, "Well, give me a little" time in the past by other women and got burned (albeit MUCH different circumstances). Thanks, in advance, for everyone's input.
BCCA Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Dude, I mean this in the kindest way possible: Youre getting played like a PS3 right now. It sounds like youre in school, and might be young, but let me give you a truck load of red flags in whats going on: she still lives with her boyfriend. She can't stand him, and I have no reason to believe there is anything going on there SHE LIVES WITH HIM!!! Do you honestly think any guy is going to let a chick live there that treats him like trash and doesnt even sleep with the guy? No f***ing way bro. She's lying through her teeth. I asked her once again today -- she has no stressors to deal with this week or next -- if she has an "exit plan" yet. She pretty much told me that she hasn't really thought about it Because shes not going to dump him. If a woman wants to dump a guy, they take a long time getting to that point, but no matter what - they drop the bomb. She's BS'ing you, playing both of you for extra attention. Also, take a hard look at what shes doing. Trust you me, this is how she handles stuff, this is NOT an isolated incident just because its this guy and not you. She would do the same thing to you, play you and cheat, doing whatever is best for her at everyone else's expense. I don't want to make her feel like I'm pressuring her and wind up losing out on our future. Brother, you dont have a future with this chick. If she wanted one with you, she would have dumped that guy in 1 second flat. She may very well use that as an excuse for dissing you (which Im sad to say she probably will sooner or later), but if she was trying to date you she would make herself single ASAP. Right now, her bf is her excuse for basically using you for attention when it fits her needs and time schedule, while giving both of you less than 50% of her and her time. I know I'm an idiot for getting involved with someone that is already in a relationship, even though their plan is to end it Youre not an idiot for getting involved as much as you are for believing her plan is to end it. "Well, give me a little" time in the past by other women and got burned Thats because its BS. True love and feelings doesnt need time. Anyone putting you off today is going to put you off tomorrow, and the next day, and every day until they need you, and then you'll do for a day before you get the cold shoulder again. Thanks, in advance, for everyone's input. You HAVE to tell this chick to get lost and come back when shes actually single. You can say it nicer, here I'll even give you exactly what to say: 'I really like spending time with you, and you make me really happy, but I dont want to be your on the side lover. If youre unhappy with your bf, dump him and lets make this work. Unless youre ready to do that, Im only going to be wasting my time and asking to get burned. I dont want to do that, I hope you understand.' Done! If you dont, she'll keep stringing you along. She loses more and more respect for you the longer you keep letting this go. Shes litterally having her cake and eating it too, and youre helping her an patting her on the back. Why would she EVER dump this guy when youre letting her have you both?
colosseum Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 LOL BCCA has spoken. Need I say anything more? No I need not. Welcome to LS, ellroyfan.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I second just about everything BCCA said. However, I disagree that it's impossible for exes to live together without sex. Due to my financial situation after the divorce, we were separated within the same house. Me upstairs, him downstairs. I had zero interest in rekindling anything with him. I found a boyfriend, I realized I felt very deeply for this guy...I got the hell out of my ex-marital home. There was no "Give me time..." That IS BS. The second I realized how deeply I felt about my current BF, I emailed my friend to see how soon I could move in with her. BCCA is right - feelings don't NEED "time" if they're really there. I endured some pretty bad financial hardship in moving (that I'm still recovering from) as quickly as I did. But it was worth it because I didn't want anything to affect my R with my BF.
Author ellroyfan Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Thanks for all the input. See, she seems to me to be a very genuine person, but maybe I'm just hearing what I want to hear when she tells me she wants to be with me. As to the live with her ex and "nothing going on", I'm 99% certain that she's being truthful. I've been in that situation myself (as has Soulsearch) where I was so hurt by the other person that they could've been struck by lightning and I wouldn't of given a #*!, much the less wanted to have anything physical (or otherwise) to do with them. I don't quite understand why she seems to think it is more drama to stay with a guy she can't stand, than to break their lease and separate their $$$. I mean, it isn't like they're married and there is some legal ramification there. Maybe I'm just a crazy woman magnet...
MeMyself&I Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Thanks for all the input. See, she seems to me to be a very genuine person, but maybe I'm just hearing what I want to hear when she tells me she wants to be with me. As to the live with her ex and "nothing going on", I'm 99% certain that she's being truthful. I've been in that situation myself (as has Soulsearch) where I was so hurt by the other person that they could've been struck by lightning and I wouldn't of given a #*!, much the less wanted to have anything physical (or otherwise) to do with them. I don't quite understand why she seems to think it is more drama to stay with a guy she can't stand, than to break their lease and separate their $$$. I mean, it isn't like they're married and there is some legal ramification there. Maybe I'm just a crazy woman magnet... Uhm.........we all put blinders on when we think we care/love someone. I didn't think my ex was capable of cheating on me. I broke up with him for other reasons, regretted it, tried to get back with him and then found out he had been cheating on me. THEN there was no looking back for me. Now I feel naive and ignorant to not have known when other people did. What I'm saying is you're not alone. We all want to believe the best about who we care about. But you are correct when you say you can't look at it objectively. Now we don't know all the details but from what we hear from you we can look at it objectively. AND you are being played. I'm sure you would help her find somewhere else to live. Like SoulSearch said. If she wanted to be with you ONLY, she would not be putting this stress on your relationship. She doesn't want the stress and drama of moving out with her ex, but she doesn't mind the stress and drama that puts on your relationship? How convenient for HER! BS! Doesn't that make you feel important! BCCA........was totally right!
Author ellroyfan Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 I limited my contact yesterday and she was txting me while she was with her boyfriend running errands/shopping. She was telling me how she wished it was me there with her and that she missed me a lot. Like I said, I kept my replies straightforward and kept my cards pretty close to my vest; told her that we could see each other tomorrow. It turned out to be a good thing, as she wound up txting me later that she couldn't see me because her bf's softball game was cancelled. I pretty much said, "fine" and that I'd talk to her tomorrow. So, last night she sends me a text late telling me she misses being close to me and how it is the best thing in the world, that she loves me "so so so so very much", that she can't wait to see me again, and how I am "the best thing that's ever happened to her". Now, I've read all your replies and pretty much spent most of the day y-day kicking myself in the ass/being pissed off about the whole thing. I'm trying to spin myself down from it now, because my inclination is to just meet her some place today and tell her we're done. I've always considered myself to be pretty smart and I feel like I'm being made out to be a complete idiot. The other side of me wants to tell her that if she really loves me and wants to be with me, I'm willing to give her X days to get some **** sorted out. And yet another side of me just wants to wait that X time to see if she does anything and then have the "come to Jesus" discussion with her... Honestly, I don't think I can let this lie and I need to talk to her about it...ACK... Thoughts?
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 HAHAHA...OMG...she is playing you so bad. She claims that she has nothing going on with the boyfriend, and yet, she's out running errands. He clearly does not know about you. She refused to go out with you because her BF is going to be around - hence, he might get suspicious if she tells him she has plans that don't involve him, but won't tell him what they are. So she cancels YOU (whom she is telling is the love of her life) and decides to spend that time with him. Dude - you need to cut her off completely. You are being used. There's something missing from her relationship with her BF and she's using you to fill in the gap. But she keeps you interested by telling you that she's NOT really involved with her BF. WOW. There are so many red flags here, I'm starting to feel suffocated.
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