Author Bluebird In My Heart Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Time will help, but it's what he does with that time. He'll never be more motivated to get through his divorce quickly than if he doesn't already have you on board! (been there done that) Hmmmm...good point. Brilliant point, actually. Funny, I let him know I work with this guy I think is attractive, and his response was, "Ohhh, going to leave me now!" Only there was a "certain something" behind those words which set off something in me. Like...there was something to take away from that, somehow. Also, I'd like to gently point out that you seem to be worrying excessively if you "blew it" by telling him your feelings. It's making me worry for you a little bit, because it shows that the power differential is off here. You're a little too afraid of losing him (correct me if I'm wrong.) It worries me that he might exploit that weak spot, for example trying to make you feel guilty for not "unconditionally loving him," or some other such oft-repeated manipulation in the MM handbook. My advice is for you to get comfortable in your own skin and expressing yourself. You are right. I'll keep an eye out for those ones! I think it was from being in where I was with him so long. No sweetie you are right, so thanks for pointing it out. He went through a lot with her. Continues to of course, this is hard on them in ways I am sure they can't even anticipate yet. When he would talk to me, I didn't want to be yet another PROBLEM, you know what I mean? I learned from you, from OW, 2Sure, ect., ect., what to accept and what not to - but it is still new to me, sticking up for how I really feel, that I count too. If nothing else, I have learned much. Now, I need to courage to put these things into action. I have done it, but I would be lying if I said I didn't fear losing him because of it. But I LOVE JJ's response (thanks JJ!) re: that. I wouldn't want someone who doesn't take me into account anyway. Let him have the space to process your words. Don't go rushing back into taking them back! (Just in case you're thinking of doing that.) Great advice, angel. I had an HUGE URGE to call him a bit ago and say, "You know I am not really a psycho bunny boiler problem - I am sane! I promise!" Yes, a big part of me want to "prove" to him I am actually rather fun and not this...too much. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I need to be very honest, with you, with myself, with him - if I want to get through this alright. Thank you, Wildsoul.
Author Bluebird In My Heart Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 I spoke with him a few times since the shock of this whole thing went down, and looking at the path that was tread tells me what I need to know as far as where it is likely to go. Sure, he is different now. So am I. I don't really regret any of this as it taught me to be so much stronger. True, when it first happened I went back to *"that mode"*...but it only lasted mere days. I'm a lot better off than I was back then. I'm not afraid of losing him anymore. How could I possibly fear losing something that I never truly had? The only thing I am "losing" is the last little ember of hope I had somewhere - the possibilities, I guess. There's so much more than *this*. There always was. He has so much remorse for the way he has been so thoughtless and careless with my heart. It's in the past. He still wants me right there. But I know better. I am holding him off, I don't want to be plan b or someone to fill a void. I deserve to be treated with consideration and respect. We shall see what happens. He has to do the heavy lifting from here on out. He doesn't have it in him atm, how could he? He is going through this, it will be some time, I can't just be there 100% for him when he crosses his fingers. I have to secure my future with my studies, my work, and I can't count on him to be there for me. When she did this - had this affair - she set off a nuke and it scorched a whole lot of caring people. Mostly her children. We're all paying for it. Her included, she doesn't get to run away from this scot-free. This destroyed him, but no one can help him, but him. If they end up apart, and he has the strength to set his boundaries with her, to stand up on his own without a crutch - I will respect him and perhaps we can start again at some point. He will not know that is what I am looking for, he will get no input or influence from me...I would like to see if he cares enough to do so. Over time. He is in therapy, it is working well for him as he isn't going completely crazy like he did the first time this happened. I am staying well away from the heart of this. This is their thing, not mine. It was the whole time. Anything is possible, but I am NOT counting on a thing. I'm finding my own happiness. Love is not enough to sustain anything, and I cannot believe what he says is accurate right now. I know my worth now, know what I will and won't tolerate. IF anything EVER happens between myself and this man...or any other...I will never again accept something so lopsided. That is all. Thank you so much, everyone. I can't regret this at all, I learned so much from it. I am optimistic about my life, my future. The next guy is going one lucky man!
jj33 Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Dont you DARE be afraid of losing him. I know I know of course a part of you feels that way but its not real. He has abandoned you. He has broken your heart. You havent "had" him ever really. Its just that now there is a real chance, and you want it to "go right". Well it cant go right if he isnt willing to make you his number one priority and treat you the way you deserve to be treated which means making it clear that he gets how he hurt you and that its NOT OK and that he doesnt get another chance to behave that way again. He has to prove to you by his actions that he is serious about YOU not just that he "needs" you now and so its your duty as the one who is eternally besotted with him, to stand by your man. Hows that for tough love? and besides if he was dating a new woman, he would be charming and win her over so to speak. You deserve some of that best behavior. Yes its a bit gamey and yes that fades but after breaking your heart, you deserve some of hte chivalry that goes with romance. You dont want to come back into his life like the old shoe who loves him, always dependable always there. Dont let him take your relationship for granted. Its not a given that you are going to throw out the welcome mat after everything that has happened. I realize its traumatic for him, he's going through a divorce etc, but things need to change. You put up with alot because he was married, if you then put up with alot because hes divorcing its all about him all the time and you will never get the right dynamic in place. Just my thoughts, not sure how I would put that into action. Wheres GEL?
jj33 Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 And another thing... she wants him eating out of her hand. And to date, he has catered to her wishes You would be foolish NOT to be worried. If you blithely skipped backed in again, thinking if I continue to stuff my emotions and just be a good girl eventually he will realize he loves me best, I would be REALLy worried for you. You might get him back that way but not in a relationshp that would suit you. You would always be walking on eggshells wondering if you were "making him happy". You dont want a promotoin for Gods' sake, you want to be his life partner. And both partners have to be happy. So try to worry less about losing him and focus more on what sort of relationshp you want WITH him, rather than the fact that you want HIM. Does that make sense?
jj33 Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I hadnt seen your last post. good for you. You have just the right attitude. Ironic that he is free and now you have decided that this may or may not be what you want. You have your eyes open. No more fog. That is great.
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