I called OW twice and guess what?

[Spark1111]

No reply, nada, nothing, zip, zero.

 

It's been almost two years since DDay, and he and I are doing great. I know so many have counseled not to contact her, but I felt my situation was unique.

 

When I finally discovered her existence, my anger and rage toward him was off the charts. I even told him to go get her, because based on the texts I intercepted accidentally, I would have had a bag packed and a foot out the door if I felt that much passion for anyone. He refused, and dropped her like a hot potato, with some continued contact for about three more months. He had to finally tell her to stop calling.

 

My initial reaction towards the OW was one of pity. Hey, in a triangle three people get hurt. Reading here has taught me that much. And cheaters not only deceive themselves, they decieve each other, and of course, the betrayed spouse suffers the greatest deception.

 

I talked my posse of relatives and friends OUT OF marching onto her doorstep and generally making her life miserable. I even, over time, had to forgive her as I healed. I never, ever confronted her or embarrassed her.

 

So now, I am in a much better place, and seeking closure to this whole sordid sad affair, I called her.

 

Conversation one: "Hi, it's Spark. A lot of water under the bridge. Just wanted to talk to you and close this chapter for good. I understand you may not have gotten my call in November. It's possible I accidentally muted my cell phone. But call me. I'd really appreciate it."

 

Conversation #2: "Okay, I am at my desk now in front of my schedule and today is not good for me. But the next two days are fine. Just want to talk like two grown women over a cup of coffee, anywhere you choose, and at your convenience. I think I have greater flexibility than you do, so I'll be accommodating. My numbers are..... I am at work until....Then I'll be at home....I'll expect your call."

 

Conversation#3: "Alright, I haven't heard from you, and I realize that you truly do not know me and I do not know you. I do not have a vengeful bone in my body, this is not a set up, I have only the desire to heal and close the chapter on all of this. My WS is fully aware I am calling you as is my counselor, so please call me back. Look, i want to get this out of the way. I do not want to bump into you at BLANK, or with my girlfriends at BLANK. I wouldn't think you'd want that either. I think as two grown ups, we can take control of this situation and put it to rest. Please call."

 

Sometimes I feel like the only grown up in the world. What do you think posters? It's been a week, and I have one more phone call in me. Say my piece and close the book.

[datura_noir]

I don't think contact is a good idea. She knows what a F*%#up she is and the situation she helped to create. That is why she is not answering. If I were an OW, the last person I would want to hear from is the BS....because for one thing, it means that the affair is still front and center, and depending where she is in her life, it's either a painful reminder or a huge intrusion.

 

Leave the loser alone....

[hopesndreams]

The OW didn't give a rat's a** about you when she was "with" your husband and she most certainly does not care about your need for closure. Besides, she could be too busy to call you back because she is busy with the next family she is out to destroy.

[jwi71]

No reply, nada, nothing, zip, zero.

 

It's been almost two years since DDay, and he and I are doing great. I know so many have counseled not to contact her, but I felt my situation was unique.

 

When I finally discovered her existence, my anger and rage toward him was off the charts. I even told him to go get her, because based on the texts I intercepted accidentally, I would have had a bag packed and a foot out the door if I felt that much passion for anyone. He refused, and dropped her like a hot potato, with some continued contact for about three more months. He had to finally tell her to stop calling.

 

My initial reaction towards the OW was one of pity. Hey, in a triangle three people get hurt. Reading here has taught me that much. And cheaters not only deceive themselves, they decieve each other, and of course, the betrayed spouse suffers the greatest deception.

 

I talked my posse of relatives and friends OUT OF marching onto her doorstep and generally making her life miserable. I even, over time, had to forgive her as I healed. I never, ever confronted her or embarrassed her.

 

So now, I am in a much better place, and seeking closure to this whole sordid sad affair, I called her.

 

Conversation one: "Hi, it's Spark. A lot of water under the bridge. Just wanted to talk to you and close this chapter for good. I understand you may not have gotten my call in November. It's possible I accidentally muted my cell phone. But call me. I'd really appreciate it."

 

Conversation #2: "Okay, I am at my desk now in front of my schedule and today is not good for me. But the next two days are fine. Just want to talk like two grown women over a cup of coffee, anywhere you choose, and at your convenience. I think I have greater flexibility than you do, so I'll be accommodating. My numbers are..... I am at work until....Then I'll be at home....I'll expect your call."

 

Conversation#3: "Alright, I haven't heard from you, and I realize that you truly do not know me and I do not know you. I do not have a vengeful bone in my body, this is not a set up, I have only the desire to heal and close the chapter on all of this. My WS is fully aware I am calling you as is my counselor, so please call me back. Look, i want to get this out of the way. I do not want to bump into you at BLANK, or with my girlfriends at BLANK. I wouldn't think you'd want that either. I think as two grown ups, we can take control of this situation and put it to rest. Please call."

 

Sometimes I feel like the only grown up in the world. What do you think posters? It's been a week, and I have one more phone call in me. Say my piece and close the book.

 

Let it go.

She is clearly not interested in speaking much less meeting.

There is nothing to be gained here...simply move on and live...

[Spark1111]

I am all about fairness, and thought, so was she. On DDAy she told my wondering spouse to be kind to himself, be kind to Spark. Just thought she was a different type of OW: educated, successful, in love, somewhat mature, maybe?

 

So, is this evidence that she could talk the talk, but not walk the walk?

 

I told my WS that everyday he has to face the sadness in his families eyes, and rightfully so. He has had to work harder than anyone to regain love, trust and respect from his family after his (and her) deplorable actions. And it still is a bumpy ride.

 

But she gets a free pass? No consequences for her. Not even a return phone call? I now think it speaks volumes of her character or lack thereof. And the possibility of running into her does exist. So now what?

 

If I see her, I will have some things to say to her. She was going for a fegree in family counseling forcryin'out loud!

 

I mean the ironies and the hypocrisies seem to know no limits in my situation.

[Molley]

Spark - it's good enough that you left her several messages. There's no way she'll call you back. Take satisfaction from the fact that you still have your husband and family and just let the scank go crawl back under her rock. Yes, she may be a well educated woman... but she's still a scank with no moral fiber. Do you really expect someone like that to call you back? Not going to happen. Move on, let the anger go... that's what I'm trying to do now, it's hard but again... she's a scank and you are not.

[datura_noir]

My dear, you are simply giving her too much power, and setting a place at your family table for her...she doesn't belong there.

 

Trust me, she is not as important to your marriage OR to your husband as you are making her out to be. I hope that doesn't sound cruel, I have BTDT.

 

If you are the type of person who likes to nurse their wounds this will eat at you until the end of time. Leave her in the past where she belongs. What goes around comes around.

[bentnotbroken]

Spark, I actually think that no response was closure. It is closed for her. As you said you are doing so much better and it has been 2 years, you have healed a great deal, let it continue. Don't call anymore.

[jwi71]

I am all about fairness, and thought, so was she. On DDAy she told my wondering spouse to be kind to himself, be kind to Spark. Just thought she was a different type of OW: educated, successful, in love, somewhat mature, maybe?

 

So, is this evidence that she could talk the talk, but not walk the walk?

 

I told my WS that everyday he has to face the sadness in his families eyes, and rightfully so. He has had to work harder than anyone to regain love, trust and respect from his family after his (and her) deplorable actions. And it still is a bumpy ride.

 

But she gets a free pass? No consequences for her. Not even a return phone call? I now think it speaks volumes of her character or lack thereof. And the possibility of running into her does exist. So now what?

 

If I see her, I will have some things to say to her. She was going for a fegree in family counseling forcryin'out loud!

 

I mean the ironies and the hypocrisies seem to know no limits in my situation.

 

LET IT GO.

 

I get it I do. But when you say the above then you are NOT past it. It still hurts and born of this is a need for revenge. To extract from her an equal amount of pain and discomfort.

 

Why do YOU ALLOW her memory to intrude upon your life?

Or, more succintly and to parrot datura_noir...Why do YOU give HER this power?

[NoIDidn't]

Either collect the rent or evict the OW from the space you have reserved in your thoughts from her.

 

This is starting to be really unhealthy when several messages are left and now you are feeling like she owes you some common courtesy of a return call.

 

The affair is over. Time to release her from any debt you feel she owes you. Time to really forgive her, Spark.

 

I feel for you.

[tami-chan]

Spark, this is not about fairness, education or what not. This is about YOU, not able to heal from the betrayal. You do not need the xOW for that. Leave the xOW alone and concentrate on your healing. I agree with the some of the posters here, you are giving the xOW too much power over you. But then again, maybe she does?

[JeezLouise]

But she gets a free pass? No consequences for her. Not even a return phone call? I now think it speaks volumes of her character or lack thereof. And the possibility of running into her does exist. So now what?

 

If I see her, I will have some things to say to her. She was going for a fegree in family counseling forcryin'out loud!

 

Um, when you started this thread, it seemed like you wanted a nice conversation over coffee for closure.

 

And this makes it sound like you are calling her for some type of revenge - for her to get some consequences.

 

if I were her, I wouldn't want to take your call either. My R with my lover was MY business, and your marriage with your H was your business; I don't want a relationship with you.

 

(I haven't read through the whole thread, but this part struck me enough to answer.)

 

And - you know - you are angry with someone for not calling you back. What if she is out of town for work? for being with a sick mother? for vacation? But you are mad because she hasn't returned your call on your timeline, and are not taking into account that she may have a life outside your closure timeline.

 

Why are you so consumed by the EMA two years after the fact, when your life and marriage are going so well? Your continued calls are only making her think that your marriage is on the rocks and you can't get past your H's infidelity, and making her think that you possibly have ulterior motives in calling you and so she will call your H to find out what the deal really is.

[NoIDidn't]

Your continued calls are only making her think that your marriage is on the rocks and you can't get past your H's infidelity, and making her think that you possibly have ulterior motives in calling you and so she will call your H to find out what the deal really is.

 

This is certainly true. Well, the part about her calling your H to find out what the h3ll is going on. This is one of the major reasons that NC with the OW is also recommended to the BW because you don't want to give her a reason to call your H and possibly cause another rift within the marriage.

[SidLyon]

I'm someone who also felt the need to contact the OW for various reasons including closure. I try to resist the temptation though as it does no good - she is not responsible in any way for me and my H healing from the A.

 

After several unanswered calls my advice is to call it quits.

 

S

[NoIDidn't]

I'm someone who also felt the need to contact the OW for various reasons including closure. I try to resist the temptation though as it does no good - she is not responsible in any way for me and my H healing from the A.

 

After several unanswered calls my advice is to call it quits.

 

S

 

Not to insult or anger Spark (or anyone else), but your post made me think of the reverse. Imagine the OW doing this to the BW! Demanding that the BW take or return her calls for what might seem to be some sort of *dressing down*.

[Trialbyfire]

Spark, I'm a big one for contacting the OW/OM but that's soon after D-day. Two years later is too long. She's probably moved on and hopefully, learned something from the affair, enough to want to forget about and never reenact this episode in her life.

 

Read the stories about the OW/OMs who've finally ended the affair or been thrown under the bus. None of them are proud of their past. Most want never to do it again.

 

Let it go, for your own sanity.

[Trimmer]

My dear, you are simply giving her too much power, and setting a place at your family table for her...she doesn't belong there.

 

Trust me, she is not as important to your marriage OR to your husband as you are making her out to be. I hope that doesn't sound cruel, I have BTDT.

 

If you are the type of person who likes to nurse their wounds this will eat at you until the end of time. Leave her in the past where she belongs. What goes around comes around.

Completely agree.

 

Your focus on her, her status, whether she has 'paid her dues', whether she has character or not..... is all unhealthy for you. In a twisted way, it may be that you are still more emotionally connected to her than your H is.

 

Your closure doesn't - can't - come from her. Don't let her have that power; don't give her that power. Closure means finally letting go of her - no matter what or who she is - not waiting for her to do something for you.

[NoIDidn't]

Spark, I'm a big one for contacting the OW/OM but that's soon after D-day. Two years later is too long.

 

I agree. My call to the OW is what started Dday for everyone.

 

Two years later is far too long and qualifies for obsession - no matter who's doing the obsessing.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree. My call to the OW is what started Dday for everyone.

 

Two years later is far too long and qualifies for obsession - no matter who's doing the obsessing.

I agree with the obsession part. There's still three people in the triangle but the only person who thinks so, is Spark.

 

((hugs)) Spark. She's gone. She's just a ghost. Exorcise her.

[delirious]

I am with the others on this, I would no way want to take a call from you, it would open up old wounds and smacks of confrontation. (It is something I would avoid at all costs). And I read about the BS wanting to know all the details, like they cannot help asking, how many times, when, where - was it good. That cannot be healthy either. You cannot force her to talk to you. As far as she is concerned, you were separated in her mind from your H, that is the way she will have dealt with it through the A and most definitely now. She may still be grieving and that could be why she does not want to speak to you too. Your H is the one to blame, he is the one that hurt you, not her. It was not personal.

[Spark1111]

Allright posters, I get your messages loud and clear. I did wait too long to speak with her after DDay, because I thought he had chosen her. But like so many BS who post here, I still had the desire to make myself a real person to her, not the anonymous spouse who did not love him, have sex with him, etc. I am a real person with real feelings. There is no desire for revenge, although I find it ironic how many male BS still harbor violent fantasies years later re: the other man (and no one calls them obsessive!). Just wanted a cup of coffee to close the book.

 

The possibility of running into her is very real. How would you all behave in such a situation? I do not want to live in fear of it, which is why I wanted the inital contact out of the way. I am taking control of my life, reclaiming it. This was an attempt to do so also.

[bentnotbroken]

I would look her dead in the eye, with my head held high and smile. A big juicy from the heart smile. If conversation is necessary, say only I hope God has blessed your life, as he has blessed mine. Then walk away. There is no longer a need for confrontation. You are so past that. You don't want to reopen any old wounds, they take a lot longer to heal the second time around.

[pparrott]

Don't you think it's a bit "stalker..ish" & "obsessive"....I'd say let it go.

If you "Bump" into her...be cordial. Seems to me though you may ON PURPOSE try to bump into her. (I for one would be terrified...whether you mean her harm or not - 3 phone calls....a bit over the top)

 

You have closure - Your husband chose you. He's WITH YOU! Let her live the rest of her life without being fearful you're going to keep badgering her to talk about it. Remember.....3 people (sometimes 4) in an affair. ALL get hurt!

[Spark1111]

Sorry guys, on so many levels I disagree. If it takes two to four years to recover from an affair, with 5 being a major turning point, no way are my actions "obsessive" or stalker like. I have never felt calmer, or more secure, or unobsessed.

 

Waiting to have this conversation, to actually being at this calm secure point, is testimony to how hard I have worked to forgive and to move forward.

 

It has taken me two years to get to this point and I am proud of myself, my spouse, and the progress and healing we have both obtained. Our relationship is amazing. The fact that he supported my need to call her is further testimony to that.

 

If I have to hate her to heal, that is not truly healing, because she still has power over me. If I had to hate him to heal, we would have never ave what we have today. I never hated her,or him, though their actions were so hurtful.

 

Today, I just feel sorry for the both of them. They almost self-destructed their own lives with this deception and lost all they held dear.

 

In all honesty, I would have been amazed had she had the courage to call me back, though I hoped for it. I still believe it would have been the grown up thing to do, a testimony to her healing as well,and all the Hallmark platitudes she espoused during our reconciliation.

 

Maybe I was also trying to see what he saw in her, and wanted to know if my love and devotion was usurped by a better person. I know now it wasn't. He knows it too.

 

And I can't live in fear that she will call him to complain, thereby breaking NC, because what does all that fear say in regards to the relationship he and I have today? If I can't go confidently into my future with him, than I am better off without him. As I told him many times, "I will not be with someone who doesn't truly want me. I deserve better than that. If that ever becomes the case again with you, just leave." I mean it.

[whichwayisup]

She more than likely 1)doesn't care at all and figures why should she bother talking to you since she didn't care to begin with while having the A with your H and, doesn't feel she owes you anything. 2)She isn't over it and talking to you will open up wounds for her so it's easier for her not to call you back.