lexi29 Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I don't know where to post this- my fiance said something really strange (to me) the other day. I just don't know what to make of it. The last few months we've gotten along great. Recently we've had some problems (the last week) because I had told him I would be moved in by the end of April and I didn't. and I hadn't given him a new date either. I just told him I'd move in "soon". Well, I've been staying with him and his 9 year old son about four days a week. I take his son to daycare in the morning on my way to work. my fiance and I have been together about five years and I've known his son since he was 2 years old. On friday when I went to take his son to daycare he was playing a video game and I told him we had to leave and he got upset because he wanted to get to the next level in his game or the game wouldn't save. I told him too bad, we had to leave because I would be late for work if we didn't. Well he snapped at me that his dad wouldn't care if he was late for work and would wait and let him finish the game (so NOT true!). I told him, no dad was only late one day last month because he accidently set his alarm to PM instead of AM. So he started crying and got upset with me. I ignored him and took him to daycare. Halfway there he started taking to me as though nothing was wrong and was even laughing and smiling when I dropped him off. I was telling my fiance this story (he thinks his son never gives me a hard time or gets upset with me) about how his son was upset that I wouldn't let him finish his video game. I said "well he wasn't too mad at me because in the car he started talking and I had him laughing and when I dropped him off he still said 'I love you' to me" My fiance's reaction absolutely shocked me and still bugs me even now. He said "Oh, I didn't know you and (son) were at the 'I love you' stage yet" and he seemed suprised. Now this shocks me because #1 his son will tell me 'I love you' right in front of my fiance!! Sometimes when I leave he will yell it out the front door if I forget to tell him first! Now he doesnt' say this every single day the way he does to his dad but at least a few times a week. And when my fiance and I got back together, his son literally clung to me every day and was always cuddling with me, sitting on my lap and telling me about four times a day that he loved me or asking me if I loved him. And my fiance was there for all of that! Even years ago his son would say I love you or I love you too to me. My fiance had commented that his son only says I love you to him, to me and every once in a great while to his grandma. THat he doesn't say it to his aunts to his other grandparents and had never said it to any of my fiance's exes. That he rarely tells his own mother I love you. So my fiance was pleased that his son was so attached to me. So I can't even comprehend that my fiance would be suprised that his son tells me he loves me and vice versa. It's been going on for YEARS!! It was like he was getting me confused with someone else or something weird. I asked him about it and he said "I don't know, you're right (about him hearing his son say that before) but I've never heard you talk about it (the fact that his son and I exchange "I love yous") so it just took me by suprise or threw me through a loop for a second" It still doesn't make any sense to me unless my fiance is somehow brain damaged and can't remember anything:confused: or he just doesn't pay any attention to anything around him! He's mentioned it before (how nice it was and that his son doesn't do that with many people) so I know he's noticed it. I just don't understand why it seemed like a suprise to him. HELLO, he asked me to marry him and his son is a huge priority in his life and he wouldn't do anything his son wouldn't be ok with so one would expect his son to have positive feelings toward the woman his dad chose to marry. (or else dad wouldn't have wanted to marry someone his son didn't get along with). My fiance even said to me recently that his son should have made me a mother's day gift along with his mom's. I just don't have any idea what he was thinking or why he would have made that comment about he didn't realize we were at that step yet (saying I love you).
hotgurl Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 he probably worried about how attached his son is to you. And how he will react if you don't move in. Lexi regardeless of what has happened between you to in the past you need to make a decision a firm decision. this is really cruel to them both.
Author lexi29 Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 he probably worried about how attached his son is to you. And how he will react if you don't move in. Lexi regardeless of what has happened between you to in the past you need to make a decision a firm decision. this is really cruel to them both. I understand that but he acted like he didn't KNOW his son was attached to me (or told me he loves me). One would have to be both deaf and blind to not know he's not attached to me and my fiance has witnessed (for YEARS!) his son telling me he loves me. He even draws pictures of me and his dad and labels them dad and "my new mom" and puts hearts around my our picture. And my fiance has seen that too. So that is why I am really really shocked that he'd make the comment that he didn't realize we were at "the I love you stage yet". YET! It is like where have you been for the last four years??? It was something one would say to someone you've been dating for a year or something or who had just met your kids recently. Oh and I've planned to move in the first weekend of June.
hotgurl Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I understand that but he acted like he didn't KNOW his son was attached to me (or told me he loves me). One would have to be both deaf and blind to not know he's not attached to me and my fiance has witnessed (for YEARS!) his son telling me he loves me. He even draws pictures of me and his dad and labels them dad and "my new mom" and puts hearts around my our picture. And my fiance has seen that too. So that is why I am really really shocked that he'd make the comment that he didn't realize we were at "the I love you stage yet". YET! It is like where have you been for the last four years??? It was something one would say to someone you've been dating for a year or something or who had just met your kids recently. Oh and I've planned to move in the first weekend of June. well maybe he has always just taken it for granted. Since you have been there and it has kinda been a back ground thing. Like it so cute my son love lexi. But now that it seems like you might leave he is just now realizing the magnitude of it.
Stung Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 But now that it seems like you might leave he is just now realizing the magnitude of it. that would be my guess, as well. lexi, it seems like you have this same habit...people have told you over and over again that you need to make a decision and stick to it with regards to this relationship as it's reached a point of cruelty to both the man and his innocent son, but it doesn't seem like you really hear any of it. "i know, but..."
Author lexi29 Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 I do hear it and I'm trying to do something about it. I have plans to move in June 1st. I'm packing and everything. My biggest fear though is I will do this and change my life around and my fiance will realize he's bored or that this isn't really what he wants and leave me. He told me last night that he's tired of living alone and just wants someone to come home to. He wants someone to help share the work of raising his son, the house etc. That scares me because he said "Someone" not ME. Like it could be anyone interchangable. That is doesn't matter who it is just someone who would help with those things. I even asked if he was excited about me moving in and he said sort of but at the same time not really because he thinks we will fight a lot at first while I adjust to everything. Another strange thing he said last night was the last two weeks he's been asking what my plans are for Memorial Day and I told him I don't have any and asked what he wants to do. He has said (twice!) that he planned on going to this parade he always goes to (we went last year) and then come home and "sit on his butt" that those are his only plans. The last time he said this to me was Friday. Well yesterday (monday) he came home and said "you know how I told you I didn't want to go to that parade this year, well I just might now because (coworker) entered his truck in the parade and wants me to come see it. I was like "what? I thought you wanted to go already" and he said no, that he told me he didn't think he was going to go this year (since we moved) because he didn't feel like driving that far. Well he definately NEVER said that to me so it got me thinking that he is talking to someone else and getting us confused as to who he said what to. When I reminded him what he'd told me (that he was going to the parade) he said he remembers telling me this but also thought he told me he wasn't sure about going because he didn't feel like driving. So that is why I am hestitant about taking the next step sometimes because I am not 100% secure that everything is ok.
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Your fiance feels this way because you aren't moving in with him and his son (yet). You won't give him a date and seeing as you two have had SO many issues/problems, calling off the wedding, it sounds like your fiance is gunshy and kind of fed up. Either move in and get married or end it. Having the relationship be in limbo for so long is frustrating, not only for you and him, but his son as well.
laRubiaBonita Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 lex, YOU are the someone he wants to come to, spend his life with, be with. he is probably throwing these last lines of hope out there for you, but in a generic way that will not hurt him as much as it does o name YOU. maybe he mentioned all the memorial day stuff as a hint- he wants to go the parade with you, but he is scared you will turn him down- this is why he has suggested both options.... neither of which you have confirmed. open your eyes... this man is walking on eggs shells half the time because he is so scared he will lose you. if you love him, want to be with him and be a whole family you had better decide soon.... he is about to pull away so he will not to get hurt anymore. yes or no... that is all he is asking.
girl68 Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think you're making a big deal out of nothing to be honest. Yeah, he knows you say it but maybe it just really set in for him. Why is this of concern. This isn't a problem this is all good things! Chalk it up to that and leave it there.
Chinook Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Lexi, last time you had a fall out with this guy and you got back together, your own subconscious mind started picking out reasons for not making the leap. The fact is, he could be talking to someone else, he could be mixing you up.... chances are though, he isn't and your mind is fixing on reasons not to commit to him.
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 This relationship just seems so exhausting. Dramatic and BOTH of you are reacting to eachother. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? You may love him and he may love you, but it seems (for a very long time now) your lives are NOT meshing well together at all. How many times have you cancelled the wedding? Changed the date? Also, not moving in, taking your time..How many threads have you created about not being sure if you want to get married, etc, etc?
subdued Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Your fiance loves you and is committed to you. So you 1) are either scared, insecure, overreacting and are going to lose him as a result or 2) are making excuses so that you can break up with him and get out of the relationship.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I'm going to guess that based on your recent behavior that he's been taking stock in what is going to be lost when this all falls to crap. It was just something that hadn't crossed his mind in the "that's really gonna suck" column - how much his son loves you. When you brought it up, I'm sure it was just another affirmation of how much this is really going to end up hurting him and his son. So - not so much that he's surprised that his son loves you, probably more that he's worried how deeply your games are going to scar his son.
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