shopgirl7907 Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Oh where to begin, so much has transpired this year. I'll start with some background! My ex and I are in our late 20s. We were together (living together) for 6.5 years. (I know now that the fact that we were not married should have been the first red flag!) We have a child together. When we were younger and first together our relationship was pretty tumultous but it settled down and we grew up, or at least one of us did! Anyway, in January of this year I found out that he slept with a girl from work 2 years before! It hadn't continued for 2 years but apparently was heading in that direction again. This was a complete shock to me and I was devastated. So, I found out this had hppened on a Wednesday afternoon and had already rented an apartment by Friday. I knew that I had to do this quickly or else I would end up staying. So, we never broke contact after the breakup, we have a child together. I was the one who did the breaking up but it was only becasue he was a coward and chose to cheat rather than leave. At first it was really hard and I cried all the time. We had some long talks about it and sent a few long emails. I asked why he had cheated and when he fell out of love with me. He said that it was when I stopped caring about myself and let my appearance go. I know that is extremely shallow but I do understand that attraction is a huge part of a relationship. I did gain weight, I stopped wearing makeup and getting dressed up. In my own defense though; I was freakin busy. I had two kids, a FT job and was a FT student. All in all, he says he loves me to death and hopes that we can work this out someday but for right now he just wants to focus on himself!! I know how ridiculous that sounds but the truth is I really want to work it out. To make matters more interesting we have still been having sex. I'm not sure why I'm doing it. Part of me feels like it will keep him close or make him see what he's missing (I know crazy) and part of me just needs that desire fulfilled and isn't ready to find someone else. So, now it has been 3.5 since we brokeup and I am so confused. He is adamant on us being apart for awhile and then trying again. I feel like that is ridiculous. Even though I want him back I feel like this is wrong. Why should he get to screw around until he gets bored and then come back? I get angry and lash out at him. last nite I called it quits and said no more sex and I don't want to be his back up plan. He proceeds to say that he really loves me but needs to be alone because he needs to focus on his issues and he doesn't wnt to hurt me again. He still thinks that we can work it out someday. So, another part of me thinks that maybe this is okay. I should not put my life on hold but I should wait it out and let him decide whether or not he wants to be in a reltionship with me anymore. I am so confused and just want advice and insight. What do you all think and please... be brutally honest. I can take it.
boogieboy Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Sounds like you are the backup plan, its pretty simple. He is out having fun and you cant move on. If you want him back, you gotta fix yourself up. When you two dont see each other for months, thats the only way he can see what hes missing. But as long as you let yourself go, hes not missing anything. Sounds like you are on your way to getting over him though, I say stay away from him and keep him out of your mind as much as you can. I dont know him, but its possible that he willever be in love with you again when he gets to have fun now. If you want him back, better get yourself back in shape before you lose him for good, and if he comes back, you cant give it away again like you were doing.
TaraMaiden Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 To be very brutal? You're available, an easy lay and you always will be, because you are the mother of his children. He is shallow and callous, because he states that you have let yourself go, (but he fails to see the reasons) yet he is still willing to go to bed with you. Nice. He has the best of both worlds. he needs his sopace, and does not wish to be hemmed in - but he can still "wet his whistle" when he feels the urge. And you? You let him. If he is treading all over your feelings and emotions, it is because you let him. You have given him basic permission to do so, by being compliant and available.... Having sex with him does not 'keep him close' constructively or positively. It merely lets him know he can release his sexual frustration with you but I am doubtful he does it because he loves you and feels a connection. if you want him to wait and decide.... I see you in for a very, very long wait. Why should he change things? he has everything exactly the way he wants it!! So I think you need to set the divorce in motion, secure support and child maintenance, and let him be free to enjoy his liberty. it will give him something more to think about than just wetting his whistle.
Author shopgirl7907 Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Sounds like you are the backup plan, its pretty simple. He is out having fun and you cant move on. If you want him back, you gotta fix yourself up. When you two dont see each other for months, thats the only way he can see what hes missing. But as long as you let yourself go, hes not missing anything. Sounds like you are on your way to getting over him though, I say stay away from him and keep him out of your mind as much as you can. I dont know him, but its possible that he willever be in love with you again when he gets to have fun now. If you want him back, better get yourself back in shape before you lose him for good, and if he comes back, you cant give it away again like you were doing. Thanks for the reply. I know I'm the backup plan right now. I don't want to be that though so i wrote him an email last nite saying that I didn't want any personal contact with him anymore. no sex, or personal conversations. We have to keep in touch for the kids so NC isn't an option. I do want to get back in shape. I have already started to do this and dress nicely. I am not doing it for him, he just made me see what I had become. I was never like this. Don't get me wrong I am not a huge slob but I lived in jeans and yoga pants. I need to do this for me and then he may or may not come around. Either way, I will have gotten my self esteem back so it's a good thing. I know your name is boogieboy, but I don't want to assume.. Are you male? I was just wondering bc I really would love mans perspective on this and i like your thoughts.
Author shopgirl7907 Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 To be very brutal? You're available, an easy lay and you always will be, because you are the mother of his children. He is shallow and callous, because he states that you have let yourself go, (but he fails to see the reasons) yet he is still willing to go to bed with you. Nice. He has the best of both worlds. he needs his sopace, and does not wish to be hemmed in - but he can still "wet his whistle" when he feels the urge. And you? You let him. If he is treading all over your feelings and emotions, it is because you let him. You have given him basic permission to do so, by being compliant and available.... Having sex with him does not 'keep him close' constructively or positively. It merely lets him know he can release his sexual frustration with you but I am doubtful he does it because he loves you and feels a connection. if you want him to wait and decide.... I see you in for a very, very long wait. Why should he change things? he has everything exactly the way he wants it!! So I think you need to set the divorce in motion, secure support and child maintenance, and let him be free to enjoy his liberty. it will give him something more to think about than just wetting his whistle. Thanks for your reply. I asked for brutal nd you gave it to me! It's what I need. I think you are right though. I do hve to say that I know that he still loves me (I just think that the love has changed) though and we were not ONLY having sex bc I was an easy lay. I think that familiarity had huge part in it and there are still feelings involved. About the apperance aspect, he flat out said to me that he knows that it is shallow of him but he can't help that he feels that way. I am not like I was when we met. To be fair, he has brought this up in the past. I just got defensive and did nothing about it. I will tke ownership over that. He said that he wants me to care about my appearance and make it priority then we can work things out. I do believe him that the apperance is the entire issue here. I am working on that. I don't even feel like it's shallow anymore. Everyone wants their partner to look nice and care about their appearance. My issue really lies in whether or not this is justifiable. Should I just feel utter disgust that we aren't together just becasue of the apperance issue or should I see it as his last ditch effort to get me to care since I ignored his other efforts?
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