Leveller Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Further to my earlier post me and my ex have reconnected to an extent - we have spent the last week together. After doing the NC thing she starts to worry about me and whether I am seeing someone else. She got jealous. Cutting a long story short she has two main issues why she won't commit to me; both of which I understand. Firstly, my mother (who has known her since she as a child) doesn't like her for various reasons which to my mind are borne from the belief that no one would be good enough for me - if you look for faults you will find them. Secondly, she has a weird conception of what my academic career involves and, like me, has concerns about me being out of work (which I have been since October) and whether she can cope with a lot of high brow people. I have told her, and made her laugh, that she has already lived this with me for several months when I was living in the city. Anyway we have talked about getting married but at the same time says she is terrified to love me. Trouble is I think she already does and is covering up her feelings - which she admits she does/is doing. I am not hurting anymore but I know (as much as anyone can really 'know' anything) that if we do not make another go of things then she will regret this. She has often said this herself but I think she is afraid of change. In the time we have been apart she has been seeing someone else but there is increasing distance between them and she herself admits that she doesn't know what she sees in him. I have told her that I won't play second fiddle to anyone. From the conversations we've had this last week I think he is someone who just allows her to cover her real emotions for me. I have told her I can and will move on without her but we are so close to reconciling our differences that even her father and son have asked are we back together. Don't want to let this one slip away for both our sakes. Any advice on finding the key/s to unlock the door would be greatly appreciated.
samspade Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Yeah: Move on and quit waiting on someone who has not demonstrated a desire to be with you. Her excuses are just that, and you're buying them hook, line, and sinker. She's not afraid of anything. She just doesn't want to get back together with you. If she did, she would, in spite of her supposed doubts. You think you are in control but you are just playing her little game. You say you don't want to let it slip away "for both our sakes"? Give me a break. You CAN'T let it go for ego's sake. You should always be willing to walk away.
Soul Bear Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Any advice on finding the key/s to unlock the door would be greatly appreciated. Only you yourself know what is best for you. If you feel like you are close to reconciling then take a small step back and see what her next move is. If she is with someone else, you will find out soon enough if she still wants to be with you or not. SAMSPADE- This guy says he wants to reconcile with her. Why are you trying to convince him to do otherwise? This is the second chance forums, people write in here because they want a second chance or want to try and make things work. In his heart, this is what he wants to do. None of us know either of these people, and its a bit brash to sum up their relationship from just a few paragraphs the OP has written. Fixing relationships take time. If she had zero desire to be with him, she would not be in touch. Not every ex is manipulative and stringing their ex partner along! I believe she is confused about what she wants.Give her some space and some time. If you have shown to her that you care and want to work things out, she knows what she has to do. Leveller- read the 'get back together with your ex checklist' in the 2nd chance forums
Author Leveller Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Thanks SoulBear. Your right, she is confused. I think the chances are high that we will get back together - and perhaps already are. I've learned more about her, and what brings us together, in this last fortnight than I probably discovered in the last year. If she really wanted to let go she could have; I was and still am prepared for this. I think though she has serious doubts about commitment as her last long-term relationship was so bad and we have known each other for a long, long time. She is very good at covering up her feelings so she does't get hurt again. One strange thing is that I made a series of predictions based on what my heart felt and what my mind was telling me and so far I have been proved right. In the meantime I toughened up and changed for the better for my own reasons. Without this there would have been no chance at a reconciliation. Her best friend has told me she adores me, sees I have changed for the better and can't stop talking about me. When we are together we have the very best of times but as a Libra (though not being a big believer in these things) she is very up and down - she says this herself. I love her and my mind tells me she loves me too. As a postscript I thought I didn't love an old girlfriend of mine until I moved away and didn't see her anymore then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Author Leveller Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Thanks man for your words of encouragement. I read with interest the thread you pointed out and I totally agree with your comments. It's important not to be blinded by love but at the same time some things are worth fighting for. It depends on the individuals and the situation and for me this relationship is worth fighting for.
samspade Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Fixing relationships take time. If she had zero desire to be with him, she would not be in touch. Not every ex is manipulative and stringing their ex partner along I don't believe that a relationship that needs to be "fixed" is worth the trouble. If it's broken, that means one person has lost considerable interest in the other. And it's not true that she wouldn't be in touch with him if she has zero desire to go back to being his GF. It's been established over and over again around here that people often maintain contact with their exes out of guilt, pity, emotional satisfaction, or the desire to be friends and nothing more. This guy says he wants to reconcile with her. Why are you trying to convince him to do otherwise? This is the second chance forums, people write in here because they want a second chance or want to try and make things work. I am trying to convince him that waiting around for someone to make a decision to be with him is a waste of his time. When someone wants to be with you, they don't let issues like mothers and careers impede them. OP, don't put your life on hold for this. If she needs to mull it over, let her, but don't wait around. If you are "trying to make things work" then you're already putting in too much effort. Relationships are supposed to be fun, not work. If she has doubts about commitment, then why are you pushing for it with her? Go find someone without all of those doubts. You may think I am being harsh because I'm not telling you what you want to hear (like Soulbear), but that is my advice and I am trying to help you.
Author Leveller Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for the phone to ring etc. but to my mind this is worth fighting for. Just giving up and not trying is not an option.
Soul Bear Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 LOL! SoulBear- Loved by very few and despised by so many!! This is a support forum, I am supporting Leveller in his descision and trying to guide him to find out what HE wants to do. To tell him to forget about her is not supporting nor listening to what he asked. It's been established over and over again around here that people often maintain contact with their exes out of guilt, pity, emotional satisfaction, or the desire to be friends and nothing more. It has also been established that sometimes it is not the case! Not every ex is spineless heartless and inconsiderate of the others feelings. Why are the X's made out to be such bad people on this site? Sometimes they are genuinly confused about what they want. Its not unknown to happen that way. My ex isnt a bad person, she is a beautiful person, inside and out. All of them are! I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for the phone to ring etc. but to my mind this is worth fighting for. Just giving up and not trying is not an option- Leveller clearly stated that he has made some big changes in his life for his sake, and that he wants to try and work on it. I dont see any harm in helping him through that, if that is what he wants to do. Its not like he is so insecure that he's gonna jump of a bridge if it doesnt work.
Author Leveller Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Thanks again man. Your wisdom is much appreciated as is your support. She is confused, of this I have no doubt, and she has told me to give her time to decide what she wants-she doesn't know herself. As I've said before she is afraid of commiting to me, partly as her life is settled and mine isn't and change when it comes is hard to deal with; particularly when family's and homes are concerned. These can be dealt with though as we want many of the same things and we are talking of a future together again. One thing she said to me recently struck a chord. 'If you were like you are now, we would never have finished'.
Author Leveller Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 I should also have asked you how things are now between you and your ex? I am curious to know, but if you don't want to say that is fine.
Soul Bear Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Thanks again man. Your wisdom is much appreciated as is your support. 'If you were like you are now, we would never have finished'. I dont think its wisdom bro, Im only 25! Its just truth. I felt myself getting pushed into going NC and doing what other people wanted me to do, only to find out that it was not best for me! You gotta do what you feel is best for your situation. LS has helped me imensley.. in some starnge way, as I have not really followed anyones advice at all. I guess it helped me to look within for the answers instead. I feel like a much stronger Bear now. As for her comment there, in my opinion, some relationships need to be broken before they can fix completely. This time apart has obviously done YOU the world of good and you have your priorities sorted out and you know what you want. So that fact is, that she likes you for who you are and what you have become/lessons learned etc.. Now it is up to her to see if she can actually committ. At the risk of hi-jacking your thread here bro, My situation is in Limbo. We are being 'friendly' just now. Shes warm, then shes cold. The reason is, that she is hurting and confused. Im just being a friend now, as that is what she wants. But i think its eating her... I have not seen her in a month, but we have had limited contact, arguments, realsiations and then peace.. Its been a time for growing and learning. She is back in the country today, in my city actually, but she said she will be in touch in a few days. So I guess I will have more info for you when the time comes
Author Leveller Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Sounds to me like your doing the right thing. As long as your friends and communicating then it does leave the door open. For me NC helped as did doing some research on the old internet and taking a cold, hard look in the mirror. She said to me a few weeks ago I was trying too hard to be someone I'm not and I think she thought this was all for her-now she sees the changes are not cosmetic. Like your situation she says we are in limbo at the moment and the fact is she has two options on the table. I'm fully prepared to remove myself from the equation if she carries on seeing this other chap (who, incidentally, her best friend describes as creepy and she says is like a CC of her abusive ex-boyfriend without the violence). I'm meant to be taking her to hospital on Thursday for an operation but if I find out she has seen him again I will simply refuse to take her. I will not be made a fool of, even if I do love her with all my heart. After that who knows? I do know this much, and this might apply to you also, getting myself happy again and moving on with my life has (at the very least) seriously rekindled her interest in me. I have let many relationships go to the wall in the past but this time I feel differently. Like you and I have said take each situation on its merits and follow your heart whilst using your head. It sounds like a cliche but if your meant to be together you will be, it's as simple as that. Cliche's are cliche's beause they are true. How long were you two together?
Soul Bear Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Brother Bear im proud of you! Sounds like you really got your head sorted out! We were together for almost 5 years. I dont know how she feels. I can only go on her actions. Like the whole warm and cold thing,,civil then rude...there has been no hot yet! There is no other man either, but who knows what happened in the last month?! All i know is that i have searched my soul, I have realised who I am, where i went wrong etc etc. I feel strong inside and quite happy. I am not letting her coldness get to me anymore, I am just continuing to be kind, myself, understanding and supportive. What will be will be indeed! You have done a great Job in finding yourself, and your path too. I hope you will stay on LS and help out toher people with what you have learned, whatever the outcome.
samspade Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 This is a support forum, I am supporting Leveller in his descision and trying to guide him to find out what HE wants to do. To tell him to forget about her is not supporting nor listening to what he asked. He asked for ADVICE, not support. When someone asks for advice, it's not always what they want to hear. If someone is going about something the wrong way, you have to tell them, not "support" them in their folly. It has also been established that sometimes it is not the case! Not every ex is spineless heartless and inconsiderate of the others feelings. Why are the X's made out to be such bad people on this site? Sometimes they are genuinly confused about what they want. Its not unknown to happen that way. My ex isnt a bad person, she is a beautiful person, inside and out. All of them are! I never said his ex was spineless, heartless, or inconsiderate, or a bad person. I said that she has not demonstrated a desire to reunite with the OP. And I am hoping to empower the OP to serve himself, and move on with his life, and not cling to the foolish hope that she will get back together with him when the chances are slim. The chance exists, but it's slim - and usually these re-unifications are short-lived at best. But, I can only lead a horse to water. If Leveller came here to have his own hopes reflected back to him, that's fine. I'm just telling him that it's healthier not to wait around for someone when you have a life to live. There are plenty of other women who will WANT to be with you while you are waiting and hoping for this one to come to her senses. Leveller, stop listening to her words and pay attention to her actions. You will learn far more.
Author Leveller Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 You sound to me like a good man. 5 years is a long old time and the cold-warm thing is something I understand very much. It sounds to me like we have both been/are going through similar things. Coldness means the barriers are up (I refuse to get hurt again and pretend not to care), warm means they are having second thoughts. You are much better going on her actions than listening to her words. I was told repeatedly negatives like 'I don't want to give you false hope', 'It's your imagination', 'Have I given you any encouragement?', 'I never fancied you' etc. And yet I saw in her eyes, her body language, the way she spoke to me and the physical contact that all this was a mask and I was right. What it was was the bitterness she carried following our break up because I had been a p***k and had pushed her away. That bitterness has now been replaced with many of the feelings we had to begin with. The future is not written and it sounds to me that you have rediscovered the old you for want of a better phrase and are healthier for it.
Author Leveller Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 I am sure your advice is well intentioned but I am far more in tune with Soul Bear on this. I have come across countless couples who have got back together in the most trying of circumstances, equally there are a greater number who never got back together because it just wasn't right. In my case, whilst I have made the running, her actions of late have been towards a reconciliation. I won't give a blow by blow account but this last week/fortnight I have gotten to the roots of her. Your right in saying it can't be all one way traffic but as Brother Bear says, and I agree, every situation is unique. I have known her for 16 years and my family have known hers for all her life. I would therefore suggest I am pretty qualified to judge whether or not she has the feelings for me I am suggesting. I am no fool, a bit lovesick yes, but no fool.
Author Leveller Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 It seems I was wrong. She has gone back with him and wants 'to give it real go' so there we are. I have heard all this before and to be honest it's what I thought would happen and told my friends so - her behaviour is now becoming very predictable. Having said this it, this turn of events has hurt me and surprised her father, son and best friend. None of whom are very happy with her both for messing me around but also because they can't stand this new guy and like me. This is a big part of what is driving them together. Not that I should worry but from what I have seen - no contact for long periods (a week or more), constant arguments and a controlling and jealous nature on his part plus she has been sleeping with me - it will never work between them. I have no doubt at all she will come back to me whether in the short, medium or long term but at that point I will ask myself do I really want her back? A further weird thing - she asked me to marry her last week and I asked and she said yes and then does this. I thought this would happen as I've said but to say she is confusing is an understatement and she says this herself. I am confused and angry but I did my hurting in February and March and am dealing with this latest turn of events with far more indifference. I will again go NC but she will get back in touch with me as she has numerous times. From now on though no dice - either you come back to me on my terms and I want you or we stay apart. I don't want to close the channels of communication by never speaking to her again (which is impossible anyway because we live 30 seconds away from each other) but I'm sick of her BS.
Author Leveller Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 I should also have asked people something. Her new fella knows nothing about what has been going on between me and her. I have his number and know where he hangs out. Should I put him in the picture and what effect might this have?
Soul Bear Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Leveller I admire your strength. For me it didnt work out as well as i expected either. On the bright side, at least we know exactly where we stand, and have tried EVERYTHING possible to make it otherwise. But you are one step ahead of me in that you had your shi t together as you tried, I should have taken more time to better myself and find mor strength before I tried.. I have moved to the coping forum now! Storys in there in the get back with ex checklist and my own disaster memoirs. I would only txt her new man if you dont ever want to be with her again...I know its tempting, but think it through 100% before you do, if you do. Keep me posted brother bear, and remember, that you are going to be SUCH a stronger person for putting it all on the line and refusing to back down, even tho it hurts more, its still the best way, and you tried the best you could. I have a huge respect for you. Wish we could meet up for a beer SoulBear
Author Leveller Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Your a good man by the sounds of it. I see your in Scotland. I'm in Wales. My name is Kris brother bear and if you need to talk I will give you my contact details.
Chinook Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Texting her new bloke will simply alienate her and make you look like psycho-ex with issues.... to him and her. He will not believe you over her and she will deny all. Sorry... but for the record, you're on a hide to nowhere here. Best thing you can do now is to salvage some self respect and dignity and kick her to the curb. You dont need this kind of person in your life.
samspade Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I would only txt her new man if you dont ever want to be with her again...I know its tempting, but think it through 100% before you do, if you do. Keep me posted brother bear, and remember, that you are going to be SUCH a stronger person for putting it all on the line and refusing to back down, even tho it hurts more, its still the best way, and you tried the best you could. This is terribly flawed advice from a poster going through his own emotional rollercoaster. Take at own risk.
Soul Bear Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Please do, I would say my name, but i know that im the only one called this name! Sam...that advice is not flawed at all. Its honest. For every action there is a reaction. Hence why I stated as such to think it through. I may be in my own 'emotional rollercoaster' but I am no idiot. I sense a small ammount of resentment building towards me from you. Keep me posted brother bear, and remember, that you are going to be SUCH a stronger person for putting it all on the line and refusing to back down, even tho it hurts more, its still the best way, and you tried the best you could- I am merely stating that he is, as am I, going to be a stronger person for the extent we have gone to, in order to get our ex's back. Yes we may have prolonged our healing, but it WILL make us stronger people...with no regrets
samspade Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Sam...that advice is not flawed at all. Its honest. For every action there is a reaction. Hence why I stated as such to think it through. I may be in my own 'emotional rollercoaster' but I am no idiot. I sense a small ammount of resentment building towards me from you. I didn't mean to offend. But I disagree fundamentally with what you believe, and I don't believe you should be dispensing with advice like this when you yourself are still lost in the woods. It's not resentment, but I have to disagree respectfully with you. I don't think you are an idiot, either. You see, "putting it all on the line" and "refusing to back down" are rationalizations for undignified and desperate behavior, i.e. chasing, groveling, begging, and generally refusing to accept when somebody has decided she does not want you as a romantic partner any more. You can frame it however you like, but in the end you are robbing yourself of valuable time, energy, and dignity, all of which is much better preserved if you simply walk away. And "prolonging our healing" with the idea that it makes one stronger is patently absurd. Imagine if a doctor told you that. Yes, medical versus emotional, but we are still talking about pain and healing, and anyone who prefers having his heartbroken AGAIN by the same person is not becoming a stronger person. He's a masochist who hasn't figured out the simple idea that he doesn't NEED any one person in his life to be happy. The true measure of one's strength is how he behaves when he is alone - especially in the aftermath of a breakup. Is he strong enough to accept that someone's else's feelings have changed and move on? Or is he weak and needy, believing that she has left a void in his life that no one else can fill? I'm not saying all of this because I think I'm smarter or better. I'm saying it because I've been through what you've been through, and I've learned from it, and when I see someone giving poor advice, I have to call him on it. I know you think you're supporting him, but I don't believe in supporting someone who has a loaded gun pointed to his head just because he thinks it's the right thing to do. As for the advice itself: He should not be texting her new man AT ALL. He shouldn't be contacting his ex, or her new man. He should be taking time for himself and closing the door on her because SHE has closed the door on HIM. And, in any case, it sounds like Leveller is coming to his senses and realizing he might not want this woman in his life. This is usually what happens, and if people only realized this immediately after a breakup they would save themselves a lot of wasted time, energy, and heartbreak. Read CaliGuy's guide to NC.
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