MeMyself&I Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I think this has been mentioned on prior threads here before but I am in my 30s and have noticed when talking/seeing men in their 20s that they often ask to "hang out" rather than date. This seems so weird to me. What happened to going out to dinner and a movie? Is this something other people have seen? Am I just meeting the wrong type of guys? So ladies and guys in your 20's, do you still go on dates?
Art_Critic Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Nobody needs to date anymore to get to know someone because of facebook... I do think you are right.. everyone I know that is in their 20's just hangs out with their friends. even for dates.. It's weird.. I think they are breeding a new version of commitment phoebe by doing this...
Sibyl Vane Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I hang out with friends. If I want them to be more than that, "hanging out" doesn't really cut it.
Author MeMyself&I Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Nobody needs to date anymore to get to know someone because of facebook... I do think you are right.. everyone I know that is in their 20's just hangs out with their friends. even for dates.. It's weird.. I think they are breeding a new version of commitment phoebe by doing this... In my 20's if I was asked to just "hang out" and was never taken anywhere, It would seem like I was just a booty-call or something. I don't get it. I've mentioned this guy before that I've been talking to "hangin' out" with. I don't know if he's interested or wants a booty call. I had given up on him (cause I didn't hear from him for two weeks) and was just to the point of moving on and then he met me out on friday night. Afterwards we "hung out" again. I've seen him about 3 times and this weekend was the 1st time I slept with him. So I don't know where to go from here. He is VERY busy he works 6 or seven days a week 12 hour days. I actually dropped him at his job on Saturday. So I think from this post you can tell I'm interested in him but being quite a bit older than him I KNOW that something serious probably won't happen and that he's still really geared toward hangin' out with the guys and doing his own thing. I want to just play it by ear and establish something more than booty call/FWB but no where near instant boy friend/girl friend. And we talked about that cause he just got out of a relationship where the minute he got involved with the girl she latched on to him and instantly wanted boy/girl friend. You can see the deer in the headlights look anytime he feels that vibe now! lol So what do I do from here? Is hanging out okay or is it only going to result in him using me as long as he needs me?
Isolde Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Dates do happen, it's just that no one really calls them that when asking for them. As for hanging out, if they take you out and especially if they pay it's a date; but there's a date and then there's a DATE. Some may feel like you're just spending time with a friend, and others may have a tangible romantic vibe. Hence people talk about getting friendzoned on dates, and conversely about having a casual dinner date become something more romantic. It's not all determined from the get go, sometimes you just have to let things develop. But definitely don't go to someone's house, for a first date.
La de Longe Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Nobody I know dates in the traditional sense. I think it actually makes starting something with someone even more difficult because people assume that they have to become friends with someone before they can be upfront about what they really want. I think it's unfortunate because it tends to limit the people with whom you have relationships with to people that you already know and see on a regular basis or at least that's been my experience.
jayOG Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Hanging out or chilling... all the same. It's just code word. We like the ambiguity and lack of pressure that the word date maintains. --------------------------------------------------------- I don't know about your situation, but I'm not really big on words or discussing relationship stuff in the beginning of some form of relationship. I always got hooked on amazing sex when beginning a new relationship or when I was in your stage. So I always stayed for sex, but actually started liking the person...and tripped and fell a few times...
Chicago_Guy Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I think this has been mentioned on prior threads here before but I am in my 30s and have noticed when talking/seeing men in their 20s that they often ask to "hang out" rather than date. This seems so weird to me. What happened to going out to dinner and a movie? Is this something other people have seen? Am I just meeting the wrong type of guys? So ladies and guys in your 20's, do you still go on dates? It seems like so many people want to multi-date that the guys realized that buying dinners for women who were dating other guys was a waste of money.
eiithan Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 About a year ago NY Times' Modern Love column had a college essay contest. I don't quite get it myself, but it seems this certainly is a part of the culture. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/04/fashion/04love.html
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 About a year ago NY Times' Modern Love column had a college essay contest. I don't quite get it myself, but it seems this certainly is a part of the culture. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/04/fashion/04love.html That essay was interesting, but this essay was even more revealing and smacks of the problems posted on this board on a daily basis in droves: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/08/fashion/08love.html
Bells Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Nobody needs to date anymore to get to know someone because of facebook... I do think you are right.. everyone I know that is in their 20's just hangs out with their friends. even for dates.. It's weird.. I think they are breeding a new version of commitment phoebe by doing this... Yeah, being in my mid 30's, I never got the "Hanging out", heck, even people MY age have caught on to this "hanging out" BS When I go out with a woman it's a bonafide DATE. But some women don't like to call it that. They think you're proposing marriage when you ask them out on a date. Call me old-fashioned. lol I think they call it "hanging out" and not a date, because some people can "back peddle" and not want to call it a date. Yeah, kinda weird.
shinedown Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I think they call it "hanging out" and not a date, because some people can "back peddle" and not want to call it a date. That's exactly what it is. It's just a get-out clause just in case it doesn't go so well. They can just turn around and say ''well it wasn't a date, we were just hanging out''. I'm old fashioned too and with me, if I'm out at dinner with a woman, it's only one thing and it aint ''hanging out''. Just a shame that some women don't see it that way.
Author MeMyself&I Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Yeah, being in my mid 30's, I never got the "Hanging out", heck, even people MY age have caught on to this "hanging out" BS When I go out with a woman it's a bonafide DATE. But some women don't like to call it that. They think you're proposing marriage when you ask them out on a date. I think they call it "hanging out" and not a date, because some people can "back peddle" and not want to call it a date. Yeah, kinda weird. I so agree with this Bells.....especially the bolded part. The recent guy I've been hanging with is all attentive in public, I've seen him quite a few times but it's always "hangin out" when I mentioned a movie and we had tentative plans. He backed WAY off and called and said he couldn't go (and he had a justifiable reason) but I still think he was relieved to be let off the hook. So if hanging' out is the norm for the 20-year-old generation, how do you differentiate between real interest and them just "playin' you or wanting to get laid! lol Man if dating wasn't stressful enough when it was done the "real" way. Meaning.........a date and then hangin out. It's almost backwards it's like the spend time together and intimacy comes first and then you go out and go on the date things together. Come on 20-something year old guys...........fess up what is going on!! Thanks for all of you responders so far. This is very interesting.
Author MeMyself&I Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Thank you for these articles they were both VERY enlightening. Especially the second one! http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/04/fashion/04love.html That essay was interesting, but this essay was even more revealing and smacks of the problems posted on this board on a daily basis in droves: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/08/fashion/08love.html And like I said, the articles both made me feel so much better. Cause now I know I'm not imagining things. Maybe because of this gap in the idea of dating between my generation and the 20-year-old one I need to re-evaluate dating the younger ones and whether I can make it work. If I go with the etiquette I'm used to with a 20-something year old, he may run to the hills and see it as needy. That really blows! Thanks guys this is an awesome thread!
zhsoj Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I'm a 25yo guy and I don't know what the hell it's all about. Perhaps that's why I've ever gone out with one girl... Oh well, my dog and my beer I understand. The rest is overrated.
Author MeMyself&I Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 I'm a 25yo guy and I don't know what the hell it's all about. Perhaps that's why I've ever gone out with one girl... Oh well, my dog and my beer I understand. The rest is overrated. Hi Zhso, do you think it may be because it is so easy to communicate without talking face-to-face and therefore the lines of face-to-face communication are blurred? I mean is it easier to just text a girl, IM or e-mail her and flirt and vice a versa for the girl? Also, it seems like I said before the dating process is reversed. Hang-out and have sex with no commitment and then go on dates once a relationship is established. Whether it gets to that final stage is iffy.
zhsoj Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Hi Zhso, do you think it may be because it is so easy to communicate without talking face-to-face and therefore the lines of face-to-face communication are blurred? I mean is it easier to just text a girl, IM or e-mail her and flirt and vice a versa for the girl? Also, it seems like I said before the dating process is reversed. Hang-out and have sex with no commitment and then go on dates once a relationship is established. Whether it gets to that final stage is iffy. Well that doesn't really track with my experience at all. Rather we dated and I don't think there was much confusion weather or not they were dates. Which is about all I could do as I would never understand the "hanging out" bit. I get confused easily enough; I don't need more ambiguity. I do see it all the time with friends and acquaintances though. I was even told by a female friend that I wasn't dating this girl for the last few months. We were "going out" apparently. WTF that means I have no clue. I will admit that it is easier to text something important than it is to have an adult conversation about it. I'll admit to doing it, but I also hate it. There is so much less ambiguity face-to-face then there is in text. Even for someone as shy as myself I'd much rather get it out with the other person right there then go about trying to type it out. Live and learn I guess.
Itsnotme Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Also, it seems like I said before the dating process is reversed. Hang-out and have sex with no commitment and then go on dates once a relationship is established. Whether it gets to that final stage is iffy. I have been single since last July after coming out of a ten year marriage. I'm 43. You are so right. I have dated three people and it seems to be in reverse. What happened to having a date and agreeing to see eachother again and kind of knowing where you stand. This is all new to me and rather confusing. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it.
Author MeMyself&I Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 I have been single since last July after coming out of a ten year marriage. I'm 43. You are so right. I have dated three people and it seems to be in reverse. What happened to having a date and agreeing to see eachother again and kind of knowing where you stand. This is all new to me and rather confusing. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. AND it also seems (although doing it TOO soon still seems a no-no (ie first date)) that giving in to sex sooner is the "norm". Holy crap! I don't know whether I'm coming or going sometimes. If you hang out with a guy......they start thinkin It's gonna happen (and there's nothing wrong with that as long as they respect what YOU want) and as a women in her 30's I think I don't want to give the wrong impression and sleep with a guy too soon (but heck, who doesn't like/want sex--especially a woman in her 30's lol). I don't know what to do. If I do what I grew up comfortable with and the "norm" it seems like it's not the "norm" for the guy now? I know I need to do what I am comfortable with and not overanalyze, but what else can you do with all the mixed signals. It seems hard to be a semi-oldfashioned woman in a jump-into-bed without commitment society. I say semi-oldfashioned because I don't need marriage but I do want respect, communication and caring.
shinedown Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I do see it all the time with friends and acquaintances though. I was even told by a female friend that I wasn't dating this girl for the last few months. We were "going out" apparently. WTF that means I have no clue. Definitely agree. I'm 23 so I must be so old-fashioned for my age because for me if you're out with a girl 1-1 it's a date. ''Going out'', ''hanging out'' and ''seeing each other'' are all very general comments. It's either a date or it isn't surely? Or is that just me? I swear blind it's just a way for people nowdadays to stay guarded and to protect themselves. It's as if calling it a date leaves them open somehow. I dunno.
MeaganRaye Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I think this has been mentioned on prior threads here before but I am in my 30s and have noticed when talking/seeing men in their 20s that they often ask to "hang out" rather than date. This seems so weird to me. What happened to going out to dinner and a movie? Is this something other people have seen? Am I just meeting the wrong type of guys? So ladies and guys in your 20's, do you still go on dates? Nope. From my experience, most of the guys just want to "chill" meaning just go over to their house and watch television until they deem you worthy enough to go on a date. lol I haven't met too many men who like to take girls out on a proper date. So many guys are so damn cheap nowadays. I met a guy and all we did was sit in my car and talk, and we ate Wendy's in my car. Then I guess he wasn't that interested so I never heard from him again
Art_Critic Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I met a guy and all we did was sit in my car and talk, and we ate Wendy's in my car. Then I guess he wasn't that interested so I never heard from him again You didn't by chance order the triple with cheese did you ? What a cheap ass mofo.. Wendy's...
Author MeMyself&I Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 You didn't by chance order the triple with cheese did you ? What a cheap ass mofo.. Wendy's... LMAO! This last Valentine's Day I was single and a 25-year old guy asked me out but said it would have to be Zips for dinner cause that's all he could afford. lol Zips is kinda like an A&W if they don't have them everywhere and you don't know what it is. At least it was a date........of course we didn't end up going though either!
monkey00 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I think the term 'hanging out' has become the norm where I am. I'm in my mid 20's and here in NYC, there are so much picky people out here who aren't looking for anything serious. Don't get me wrong though, I am but not interested in rushing into anything with just anyone. As much as I'd like to use the word 'date' and be upfront about it I've noticed that I don't. Often I've caught myself use the term 'hang out' and other girls I've gone out with 1on1 use the term also. Other times I'll just ask them out to lunch/dinner and the concept of date may or may not come to mind. I think the reason I do it is because of a subconscious effect to the ambiguity of how everyone else here is when it comes to 'dating, hanging out, getting coffee, chilling, having drinks, FWB, or whatever they want to call it'. Slapping the word date can almost be as bad as calling someone your SO, it seems girls around their 20's have more of an issue of feeling pressured about it being called a date. Personally I don't have a problem with calling it a date, but since girls are the gatekeepers to exclusivity. Usually I let them label it whatever they want it to be. I think the dating landscape here has changed here quite a lot due to technology, proximity of meeting peers your age, building large social networks, and facebook/myspace.
Author MeMyself&I Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Sooooo.......it appears that I'm not imagining things. To spawn ambiguity, we have all started using the words "haning out" and "chillin". It just sucks cause it blurrs the lines between dating, booty-call, FWB, etc. even more. Now you don't know if you were enjoying a date or a FWB moment. lol
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