arthurfl99 Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Hi all, i'm not really new to a LDR, but I'm new to these forums. I'm not quite sure what my question is, but I'd like to see if I can at least get some insight from people that have done it longer than me. To briefly explain, i am in a LDR for about 11 months with a woman in england. I live in america. I've visited once in april, and am planning on coming back in july. Here's the dilemma. She has the type of personality to have a difficult time being positive, staying focused on the "goal" of being together. It is going to be a long haul because we both have children and because of custody issues, it may be years before we can be together. Here's where my questions come in. 1. Has anyone gone through a dual child custody thing before? How did you handle it? Did you gradually start moving the two families together? The children can leave the country for extended periods. Any success stories in this? 2. In the mean time, how do you help reassure the person to keep their eye on the "prize" and not feel discouraged in the meantime? I am a positive person and I can see us together for the long haul. Most of the time she sees it this way, but when she's feeling down, negative, i begin to worry she would just give up. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!! Art
Island Girl Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Hi all, i'm not really new to a LDR, but I'm new to these forums. I'm not quite sure what my question is, but I'd like to see if I can at least get some insight from people that have done it longer than me. Welcome to Loveshack. This LDR forum can provide a wealth of support. There are many here and all are in various stages of LDRs. I have been with my husband for well over 8 years. Over six have been long distance. And we were married almost three years ago. From the looks of things our distance will be over within the year. (YAY!!) We have probably been going the longest in between visits. I saw him 1 week in 2003. And 3 weeks in 2006 when we were married. To briefly explain, i am in a LDR for about 11 months with a woman in england. I live in america. I've visited once in april, and am planning on coming back in july. Here's the dilemma. She has the type of personality to have a difficult time being positive, staying focused on the "goal" of being together. It is going to be a long haul because we both have children and because of custody issues, it may be years before we can be together. The reason my husband and I have continued to stay together is that neither of us would give up only to be alone and completely without each other. Like you we both had relationships prior to each other and dated others. When we found each other it was different than any relationship we had prior and we have held on no to that no matter what. Even while physically alone we do still have each other to talk to and to lean on. And we'd rather have that than nothing. 2. In the mean time, how do you help reassure the person to keep their eye on the "prize" and not feel discouraged in the meantime? I am a positive person and I can see us together for the long haul. Most of the time she sees it this way, but when she's feeling down, negative, i begin to worry she would just give up. At different times we have had to reassure each other. We were fighting immigration and got the run around along with misinformation and that tacked on a couple of years. If I am feeling down I just have a phone call with him. It isn't that I discuss being despondent, etc. But talking with him and hearing those loving words helps me keep my strength. It helped in the beginning to write letters. Not e-mails because he doesn't have access (and doesn't know how to work them) but hand written letters and I think they are the best. It is something to see the words on the paper and know he touched that - he wrote that. I would strongly advise putting some effort into little things like that so she gets wonderful surprises throughout the time you are apart. Those things keep you "present" and will keep her heart warm. When you have an especially great conversation with all those sweet expressions of love - jot down how you feel and send it to her. It will take a few days to get there but you'll know it when it does. We have really put the effort into becoming each others best friend. He is the person that I know I can really tell anything to and he is still there loving me no matter what. I really hope that helps you. Cheers - and again welcome! Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!! Art
Author arthurfl99 Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Thank you for your welcome and your response! I really appreciate it. It is hopeful and very good to hear of others in similar situations. Actually the last bit of your response I could have written myself. I do that already for her. I try and utlize the technologies out there to do the best I can in making my presence known to her. That leads me a bit to my next comment about all this. Anyone else out there find that when they don't actually see their love on webcam, they lose the sort of closeness sometimes? She has indicated to me that it's not healthy for our relationship when we go long periods of not seeing each other on webcam. We try and do it as often as we can, but sometimes we just can't. For me, even a small text from her will just make my day, but she tends to want more, anything outside of webcam isn't enough. Anyone else see this? Again, thanks for the support, encouragement. I cut and pasted your response to her in an email last night and she found it very helpful.
Island Girl Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Anyone else out there find that when they don't actually see their love on webcam, they lose the sort of closeness sometimes? She has indicated to me that it's not healthy for our relationship when we go long periods of not seeing each other on webcam. We try and do it as often as we can, but sometimes we just can't. For me, even a small text from her will just make my day, but she tends to want more, anything outside of webcam isn't enough. Anyone else see this? Maybe you meant someone else other than me but if you didn't... We have never done webcam. I am not sure if you got that from the last message but he has no computer access there - never has. His cousin just moved there from the states January of 08 and THEY have a computer with internet so he has been able to go there on occasion to talk using Skype. We get to talk for free then which is really nice but it is 30 minutes away and he has to ride the bus. I saw the bus when I was there and they are packed in there so tight that people hold on to the top bar and fly out perpendicular to the ground when the bus goes around a corner. So that is scary. Again, thanks for the support, encouragement. I cut and pasted your response to her in an email last night and she found it very helpful. Well, I am glad I could help.
Author arthurfl99 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 thanks to both of you again for your encouragement!! I agree that mutual encouragement, etc is key. She and I are very deep soul searching people so we really tend to look into all situations. She also tends to not see the light at the end of the tunnel which is difficult because I have to take it the extra level to be encouraging. When one tends to get down about something, you have to take special care not to go along with it. we really had a huge talk last night. Lots of tears, lots of emotions. What we came out of it is, we secured how deeply important each other is and how important this relationship is to work. Though it will be INCREDIBLY difficult at times. Island Girl I don't know how you do it without a computer. Without webcam, videos, photos, i don't know how we could even cope. But we know that we are both worth it. I'm sure that every LDR goes through stages in their relationship where they soul search. The biggest thing right now is physical touch. The lack of it really gets to us sometimes. It's not going to be easy, but there will be times of sheer bliss. As cliche as it sounds, love finds a way. Thanks again.
Island Girl Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Island Girl I don't know how you do it without a computer. Without webcam, videos, photos, i don't know how we could even cope. But we know that we are both worth it. It helps to keep things in perspective and look at how fortunate you are instead of how challenged. My story perhaps serves it's purpose here for others that way. Not seeing each other for years at a time and dealing with no computer, no webcam, etc. could indeed be a watermark in comparison to some situations. I look at those who were more unfortunate than I and feel blessed to be able to pick up the phone and hear his voice. So many others in history did not have that luxury (WWII wives, husbands, girlfriends, etc. would be one example) yet wrote letters and sent them off with hope that their other was still alive and still loving them out in the world somewhere. They held on and triumphed. It is all perspective. The glass being half full or half empty I guess. We feel so lucky to have found each other and have someone so loyal and so dedicated in times when it seems to be more and more rare to find love like that. And so even with the distance and the length of time in between actually being able to see or touch each other physically we both stay strong knowing we have something rare that should never be discarded or taken lightly. Lightening strikes very rarely once - but twice in the same location? What are the odds?
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