5105571 Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Here is my situation: We were together for about four months and she broke up with me because I wasn't committing to her. Basically I didn't realize what I had until it was too late. I realized this on my own, so we met up and she confirmed this and talked about it as well as some of her problems (she's been coping with depression and unhappiness with her job). This was the deepest conversation we've ever had and was the first time I told her I loved her. She then brought up the possibility of getting back together after we take some time to work on our own lives and improve ourselves. Although I never did commit to her (I want to now), I do care about her deeply, so I've kept in touch with her to make sure she's doing okay. A month after we broke up I went to her place to help her with her computer, and this was too much for me, because I want more than just to hang out with her. On top of all this she told me she may be moving far away for a new job and thus precluding us from ever getting back together. So I've told her I was pretty much done talking to her because I can't pretend to be her friend while she plans on potentially moving away. She said she will keep in touch though. Now, I've got an offer to visit a friend in Europe over the summer, and this could have some romantic implications with her as well, but I honestly don't see it extending much further than a summer fling, but I really think it will help me move on. This is where I get stuck--if she doesn't get this job and wants to reconcile then I think I may destroy my chances if I go to Europe for someone else. At the same time, if she is intent on moving away, then what choice do I have but to move on? I've told her that I want her back and would love a second chance. Honestly, if she took me back, I'd cancel a trip to Europe in a heartbeat, but I can't count on such a thing happening as long as she is potentially moving away. I really don't know what she thinks of me. When she broke up with me she didn't have a bad thing to say about me as a person. I told her I definitely didn't want to be her friend, only something more, so why has she kept in touch and wants to continue to stay in touch if she knows this? Here is where your advice comes in--- Is my thinking all wrong here? Did I make any mistakes by talking to her after we broke up? (remember that had I not done that, we wouldn't have talked about our problems and getting back together in the first place) Am I making any mistakes by cutting her out of my life now and ensuring that I am definitely not a deciding factor in whether or not she does take this job if it is offered to her? Am I completely missing something? With love, I believe there are no right answers, but I can sure use some helpful advice to help me figure out this situation.
LoveLace Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 When will she know if she got the job? Soon enough for you to cancel Europe? Can you just ask her, will she give you the 2nd chance if she doesn't move...because if not, you are ready to move on, and this can't include "keeping in touch"...this is something you want to know asap, as opposed to waiting until she gets the job or not...that's just stringing you along more...she obviously knows how you feel and where you stand, so it isn't fair to leave you hanging too long. You are ready to give her what she apparently wanted all along, I'd think she should be able to answer that question. If she keeps beating around the bush, go to Europe, and treat it as though she already said no.
playlislay Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 What's wrong with having a long distance relationship? What you are basically saying is that you dont love this girl enough to stay with her long-distance? From what I have experienced, you men give up too quickly!! What happened to the knights in shining armour eh? *sigh* I would have travelled to the moon and back for my ex if he had lived there. I wouldnt have given a toss, even if it meant swimming in shark-infested waters....you get my drift. ) From what I can tell, you just want to get into a relationship, this one could be a 50/50 chance so you'd rather give up and move on. Do what youve got to do dude, but never let love pass you by without a fight, otherwise you will always be that dude that swings from partner to partner.......unless that the kind of man you really are? Good luck! xx
Author 5105571 Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Lovelace: I've been reading about NC on here and I'm thinking that if I give her some time without talking to her, then she may make that decision without me having to force an answer from her: either she'll decide that it's great without me in her life at all, or she'll start having second thoughts. Basically, if I force an answer out of her now, then I'll be giving her an ultimatum and that may end badly. But then again, our relationship failed because of this type of non-committal situation--"Eh, maybe in the future we'll get back together," is just an extension of that, and I should just force her to give an absolute "yes" or "no."
Author 5105571 Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 playlislay: You're right, I never did consider a long-distance relationship and I don't necessarily have anything against that. But in this case I just don't think it would work with the way things have been going. I think part of the reason is because toward the end, we lost so much steam that things would have to drastically be rekindled for it to work under those types of conditions. I feel like she'd just continue to drift away emotionally, and this would prolong my pain more so than a clean break. I think my chances on this one are far less than 50/50, but I am and have been willing to try. I've given her time and space and I'm still willing to try, but it's reaching a point where I get nothing out of this but heartache, and I need to move on. I just wrote that I'd give up a summer in Europe for her. No, I'm not the type of person who goes from one relationship to the next, I just want to stop this from hurting me and brooding all summer with nothing to do (I'm a teacher) won't help. I'm a thinker, and I like to explore my options. I'm going to take some time to think about the advice you've offered, but I'd also like some more advice from anyone else.
LoveLace Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Lovelace: I've been reading about NC on here and I'm thinking that if I give her some time without talking to her, then she may make that decision without me having to force an answer from her: either she'll decide that it's great without me in her life at all, or she'll start having second thoughts. Basically, if I force an answer out of her now, then I'll be giving her an ultimatum and that may end badly. But then again, our relationship failed because of this type of non-committal situation--"Eh, maybe in the future we'll get back together," is just an extension of that, and I should just force her to give an absolute "yes" or "no." I sensed that...and hence that's how I came up with my answer... That or be honest and tell her about Europe...if you guys are not together currently, can she really get mad? It might hurt her a little, to hear that you've slightly moved on some already. But then she'll know the stuff about moving on isn't just you bs'ing her. You wouldn't be dumping her because of Europe, or trying to make her jealous, just letting her know that you have yourself in a situation to need a solid answer...and that obviously, you are hoping to give up Europe for her....I think that idea sounds too risky to you, though....I don't blame you. Give her more time, if you'd like, nothing wrong with that, the question is how much time do you want to give her...how much time do you HAVE to give her...it's extending things, like you said...guess it's just a matter of how much you want to extend them. I don't prefer to see it as "forcing an answer", as much as just telling her how you feel, telling her where you stand. But when or where you might do this, is completely up to you. If you don't do it ever, that's up to you...I don't know if she's the type to string you along forever, or if she's very in love with you.
norajane Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Now, I've got an offer to visit a friend in Europe over the summer, Go. Have fun. Live your life. Don't hold back on living your life based on "what-if" and "maybe" and non-committal hemming and hawing. SHE is not making her decision on whether to move away or not based on YOU and what you want. So don't make your life decisions based on what she MIGHT or MIGHT NOT want at some point in the future when she MAYBE wants to be with you or MAYBE doesn't and MAY move or MIGHT not. Bottom line - if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you right NOW. And she's not.
LoveLace Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Go. Have fun. Live your life. Don't hold back on living your life based on "what-if" and "maybe" and non-committal hemming and hawing. SHE is not making her decision on whether to move away or not based on YOU and what you want. So don't make your life decisions based on what she MIGHT or MIGHT NOT want at some point in the future when she MAYBE wants to be with you or MAYBE doesn't and MAY move or MIGHT not. Bottom line - if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you right NOW. And she's not. Makes a lotta sense!
Author 5105571 Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Lovelace and Norajane, I think what you're both recommending to me is advice based upon me not knowing whether she wants me in her life and in what capacity. So I need to find out. Unfortunately, I don't have much time before I have to make a decision about leaving. Ideally, I would wait a week or two before I contact her, but I don't think I have the luxury of that much time, so it has to be soon. I'm not going to mention me leaving at first, I just want to hear it straight from her about how she wants me to fit in her life, if at all, and if her decision is contingent upon whether or not she gets this job. After that, I'll have to reassess what I can do from that point. Thanks for your help, I'm still probably going to need some more.
norajane Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 No, I'm saying go to Europe. If she really wanted to be with you, she would be with you right NOW. And she isn't. So she doesn't really want to be with you. You ALREADY know all you need to know. Go to Europe. Live your life. Move on. Don't make your decisions about your life dependent on her. SHE is not making her decisions dependent on you. That's all you need to know. You'll never get this time back. So don't waste it waiting on her to decide. Decide for yourself and live your life.
Author 5105571 Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 norajane, you're one smart lady. I felt pressured to talk to her because I needed to know. You were right though. She doesn't want to be with me, not now and not in the future. She apologized for not making things clear to me, and for not telling me she ruled out us ever getting back together. We just talked for about two hours about us and why she thought it won't work, and we talked about some other things too. I'm okay with it I think. It was a great experience with her and she's helped me realize a lot about myself and what I want out of a partner. I deserve to be happy, and honestly even though I'd still take her back, I'm starting to realize it would eventually end badly because we are too different. We should have talked more from the beginning, because we only really discussed these huge differences today (just differences in personal beliefs.) On top of that, she said that even if she doesn't get this job, she'll apply for many others because she wants to really leave California. The question now is whether or not I want to still talk to her in the future. She's a really good person, so I need to decide if I want her as a friend (right now I don't). I'll make a final decision on that in the next month or over the summer I suppose. In the end I think it was all worth it, and it's making me a better person. I'll find someone that suites me and appreciates me, I just hate going through the process. In the meantime, I'm going to Europe to live my life. Thanks for your advice everybody. Who knows, I may even stick around here.
norajane Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I know it wasn't the answer you wanted to hear, but at least you won't have any lingering doubts or what-ifs. And, one day, you will look back and realize that she's done you a big favor by not keeping you hanging on when she knows the relationship isn't right for both of you. Now go to Europe and have a blast this summer!
LoveLace Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Glad to see you think of it that way, it's the best thing...have fun in europe.
thankfull Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 You were kind enough to offer your thoughts with my problem, so I just wanted to let you know that I really feel for you man. You and I do sound alike - trying to see if there is a logical reason or progression in any of it. Either way, it's good that you have something of a consolation prize in a trip to Europe to take the sting off of it. Who knows, the trip may go better than you ever dreamed. Either way, cheers to you and best of luck.
Author 5105571 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Thanks for your sympathy, but I'll be fine. My problems are minuscule compared to some other people on here. I just lost a relationship of several months; others have lost their marriages. Don't get me wrong, it sucks but I've got plenty of life to live with other people. Sometimes I wish I can just hit the fast-forward button to get past all of my "what-ifs" and "maybe-if-Is," and just really accept it. I think the best way to get to that point is the NC rule: "out of sight, out of mind."
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