Babies everywhere! :(

[nino2005]

Hi, I know there is probably no simple answer to this, but I see and hear about babies everywhere and I find it difficult...

When I was 18 I was very naive and began dating a guy who was 2 years older than me, he knew I was very inexperienced and took advantage of this.

I was careful and began taking the contraceptive pill as soon as I could, but I was too late. I was already pregnant.

I always thought it wouldn't happen to me and suspected it but didn't want to admit it to myself, I only found out when I fainted and the doctor asked if pregnancy was a possibility. By this time I was about 9 weeks.

I was not ready to be a mum, but couldn't bear the thought of an abortion. So me and my mum decided I would go through with it...we didn't tell my dad straight away.

When he did find out, he went mad, he pestered me constantly telling me that I had a choice and didn't have to go through with it.

I was so confused, as far as the doctors knew, I was keeping it, and so I had an appointment with the midwife. I heard the heartbeat and burst into tears, along with my mum.

I then had another appointment at the hospital, my dad attended this.

A scan was done, and the midwife asked if I wanted to see, I said no, show it to me dad (hoping it would make him change his mind.)

After weeks of constant pestering, my dad got his wish and I had an abortion done privately. I was about 15 weeks by now so was put to sleep.

Even going into the theatre I was crying saying I didn't want to do it. Prior to this I was even sent to a consellor, but I knew it was something that had to be done and basically told them what they wanted to hear.

 

My friends were there for me, but I was so busy being taken to different people by my parents who wanted to share their experiences with me, that I hardly got to talk to my friends about it.

 

Until I found out I was pregnant, I had never paid much attention to children, but after my experience it all changed.

I looked at every child and baby I saw, smiling, thinking how lucky the parents were.

 

Now, I am 22 and it seems that everyone I know is pregnant or having a baby. I am surrounded by them.

If I have a friend on facebook who shows their scan as a profile picture, I have to delete them as I can't bear it.

I make it worse for myself by looking at friends with babies profile pages, seeing everyone talking about them. I then get upset, but I can't stop looking.

When my pregnant friends talk about the pregnancy, I want to tell them about my morning sickness etc. but I can't. I don't want to make it awkward for them by talking about an abortion.

I look at baby things online all the time, I research pregnancy, baby names etc.

 

My current boyfriend knows all about it, as we were friends at the time it happened.

We both love children and really want them, but we are only now finishing our education and know that we have got a lot to do before having children.

I know I'm not ready, but it's all I can think about.

 

If anyone has any advice, I would be grateful.

 

Apoligies for the long story, it's the shortest I could make it!

 

Thanks xx

[sb129]

Hey-

 

Sorry to hear about your hard time. It can't have been an easy thing to go through, and I certainly won't judge you for doing what you did.

 

There are times when abortion is the right thing to do, and even though it may not feel like it now, perhaps you were given a second chance to finish your education and do other things with your life before you became a parent. Maybe you will be a better parent in the long run as a result of that second chance.

 

I have a friend who had an abortion aged 27, and is now a happy mum at age 31.

 

I am about to become a mum for the first time age 31 (or 32 depending whether the baby is late or not!), and my reason for telling you this is NOT to make you feel bad, or to gloat, but to remind you that you are still relatively young and have heaps of time to become a mum.

 

Have you had grief counselling? Many family planning clinics offer support counselling to women who have gone through what you have been through, as i would imagine the guilt and remorse and other feelings associated with an abortion could be very strong and possibly quite debilitating.

 

Good luck- don't beat yourself up too much.

 

Maybe spending less time looking at pics of other peoples babies might help. There are LOTS of 22 year olds out there who aren't parents.

[boogieboy]

You are really waaay too young to be obsessing about babies. Especially since youre not married. I think part of what is bugging you is your insistence on looking at baby stuff. You already know you dont need a child right now, you know you can carry a healthy baby, why not obsess over your education now instead of the thought of children? Have some patience. Theres tons of people who are doing bad because they had children and couldnt afford it. This ruins relationships sometimes.

 

Just keep telling yourself its not in the cards right now. There is a typical order of operations. Maybe stop romancisizing the idea of a baby and get into the reality of it.

1.) get birth control pills now

2.) Make sure you can stand your partner for more than 2 years straight living together,

3.) Make sure you two are well established in your post education careers.

4.) Get married, and if you have any money left from that

5.) get a house

6.) Then you can wean yourself off the birth control pills and have the first baby.

 

Doesnt that sound much better than putting your education on hold for a mistake?

 

You made the right call. You will thank yourself for it later, trust me.

[nino2005]

Thank you for answering.

 

No I didn't go to any counselling, I don't find them very helpful at all to be honest.

I know the time will come, and I have so much I want to do first, it's just so hard when everyone around me seems to be having babies now.

I'm hoping that once I get a full time job and me and my boyfriend get our own place that we will be so busy that I won't have time to think about it.

I just have too much time to think at the moment.

 

I appreciate your reply though, congratualtions on your baby

[nino2005]

boogieboy - your right, that is the plan. I'm just impatient. I will keep to the plan though.

My boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years and lived together for one year (now living long distance to finish our education.)

I do want the money to be able to look after a baby and so does he, and yes we want to get married first.

It is difficult though when people closest to you are new mothers.

[boogieboy]

Like I said, you are obsessing over the mothers and their babies, and you have to do mental work to stop that. Replace your obsession with babies with something else. Your studies, a new hobby, something. Some thing that will keep you from looking at kids the same way for the next 5 years or so.

 

I know im gonna get slammed for this, but I have to give a reality check. Not to rain on your parade, but you are 22, and youve already been with your bf for 3 years. Youre kinda young for this kind of commitment really. The odds of you two changing in the next few years are really high. These are the years where you should be trying out different personalities so you will know what you want when its time for you to get married. Be careful.

[nino2005]

I respect your judgement, but my boyfriend and I have been through a lot.

I understand where you are coming from though.

 

And yes, I know I need to stop obsessing. As I said, soon I will be very busy with work and hobbies, and so hopefully things will change.