worldwide Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 so in short, i dated this guy briefly. i was totally into him and i thought we were both on the same page. last time we chatted he basically told me that he wants to date other people but he asked if he and i can still be friends. i told him i respect his choice if he is not ready to commit into any serious relationship right now and wants to date other people. however, i don't want to be his friend either and i told him flat out that i don't wish to have any more contact with him as i just don't think remaining friends with him will serve any purpose for both of us, at least certainly not for me. then he flipped. saying he wants me to stay in his life, he needs me, he wants me... blah blah blah. i admit my heart was a little sore but i was willing to let him go and now he is holding on to me like a leech. he even turned the tables around and made it sound like i was the one rejecting him. to be honest i just don't get it. i think he wants to keep an open door policy, just in case. wants to keep me at an arms length so he can easily find his way back to me if he can't find someone else better. so i just don't understand this "can we be friends" thingy. i know this is a very common thing but do men do this coz they feel sorry for us or do they think they are doing us a big favor by offering their friendship? but seriously, it is an insult.
zilverenvlinder Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Wowww! This guy decided to pull the ol' "let's be friends" line on you, meaning "I want to bang other chicks but I definitely want to keep screwing you, too!" So what's going on is, he really doesn't have any other prospects, and his plan fell through, so he flipped out knowing he wasn't getting any more action from you and fell into needy fetus mode. You did the right thing! This guy sounds like a true douche bag and I would get rid of him. Or tell him you don't want to have sex with anyone unless you're in a committed relationship and see what he says.
paddington bear Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I want to date - but I want to keep worldwide around just in case, I know she likes me, she can be fallback girl. I also feel slightly guilty because I know she likes me, so I make myself feel better by saying I want to be friends. Worldwide (quite rightly) says no, I don't want to be friends because she does not. Guy flips out. He's rejected worldwide and yet when she 'rejects' his offer of 'just friends' in place of being a boyfriend he goes crazy. She's not allowed to reject him, but he is allowed to reject her. He is also rather like a 2 year old having a tantrum because he doesn't get it all his own way, to be able to date other people but having worldwide hanging around him as an ego boost.
ilovefreshair Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Friends don't have sex. He wants his cake and to eat it too! Ditch the loser!
Author worldwide Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 when i think about his reaction when i told him he can go on dating other people if he wants but i don't want to be friends, i can't help but find him totally ridiculous. he even went as far as saying that he was pretty sure i was "the one" for him and that he wants me to be his "wife" and how can i just erase him like that after all he did for us. WTF? this guy must have thought i'm totally stupid. i don't need this kind of junk in my life right now but i admit i miss the jerk *sigh*
paddington bear Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 when i think about his reaction when i told him he can go on dating other people if he wants but i don't want to be friends, i can't help but find him totally ridiculous. he even went as far as saying that he was pretty sure i was "the one" for him and that he wants me to be his "wife" and how can i just erase him like that after all he did for us. WTF? this guy must have thought i'm totally stupid. i don't need this kind of junk in my life right now but i admit i miss the jerk *sigh* I think he can't handle rejection, but apart from that, probably does like you, but the usual thing with so many guys, he 'just isn't ready right now' and therefore wanted to keep you hanging on on a string until he was ready. Which is not fair of him, he's trying to create a situation beneficial to him without caring that that situation would be hurtful to you - imagine hanging out with him and having to see him flirting and kissing other girls and being 'ok' with it because you're 'friends'. If you talk to him again, if...I think it's a fair question to ask 'if you thought I was 'the one', then why do you just want to be friends? Normally, if you think you've met 'the one' you don't want to go and date other people, that doesn't make any sense to me'. And yeah, I bet you do miss him, just because someone acts like a jerk and makes you angry doesn't stop all those other feelings you have for them.
jayOG Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Can I flip the question, what if a girl wants to remain friends and the guy flat out says it's a bad idea. The guy likes the girl of course...
paddington bear Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Can I flip the question, what if a girl wants to remain friends and the guy flat out says it's a bad idea. The guy likes the girl of course... The guy is doing the right thing. He doesn't want to be her friend, he wants to be her boyfriend. By choosing not to be friends the guy doesn't get his self-esteem battered by hearing about other guys she's dating, he also shows her that he has some self-respect for himself, he doens't want to be second best. It also allows him some space from the girl he has feelings for, seeing her all the time will just increase those feelings and then he'll get frustrated because he can't have her. Not being friends allows him to go out and date other people, and finally, not being friends might (note I said might) make the girl realise that she's lost an opportunity here with a great guy and change her attitude towards him.
BCCA Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Asking someone to be friends when you know they want more is selfish, and a 'guilt dump', plain and simple. They dont actually want to be your friend, they just want validation that they arent a bad person. Afterall, you wouldnt agree to be friends with them if they were a total jerk, right? What happens even if you agree to be friends is the same thing that would happen if you told them no thanks: they wouldnt really be your friend. Sure, they would love to have a backup, but the OP hit the nail on the head, you certainly arent going to be able to call them and vent like you would with an actual friend. I laugh whenever people I was dating/want to date as me to be just friends. Its so pointless for me, there is just no way.
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