emotionally drained today

[JaneS]

Been seeing a guy for three months now. It's a long distance relationship as we live 3 hours apart from one another. ...normally get to see him most weekends. Things have been going great; met all of his family/ friends, he's met some of mine.

 

He admitted early on during dating that he suffers badly from a form of anxiety which skews his thinking processes. He was wanting to 'take things slowly' etc. which I was happy with. Occasionally, he would say that he didn't want to offload his emotional baggage onto me (particularly because he knows my last relationship involved depression on my ex's part) and that he was unsure of whether to concentrate on getting himself better rather than getting too close to someone. I asked outright if he wanted to do so and he said no, he was happy to continue.

 

Same convo happened again today (he visited me for the weekend). He has had a very bad weekend in the sense that his anxiety is at its worst - also compounded by the fact that he is away from home and always feels better in his own environment - naturally.

 

One minute he's intimating about plans two months or so down the line; that I am a good reason to try and get better mentally; that he is so glad he has met me....the next, uncertainty.

 

I just feel mentally exhausted today.....might be that I am so very tired and have had a heavy week at work but it feels as though I am waiting for the 'chop' as it were. I do like him and see beyond his anxiety. However, it almost feels as though the things he says are putting me at a distance....I am not sure what to do with this....is he testing me? Trying to see how far he can push? Does this sound like it's doomed?

 

Any advice appreciated.......

[TaraMaiden]

Is he in therapy?

because if he is not, that is what you are becoming - and you are not equipped to be this for him.

Maybe because he knows you have experienced this already, he is saying "I don't wish to offload on you" and also subconsciously thinking "but that's ok to do because you've had experience, so you'll put up with this".

You are his girlfriend, not his analyst.

The reason you feel so drained is that you are walking on eggshells waiting for something to erupt.

 

This is not the way to be, in my opinion.

 

If he's getting therapy - then that is where it should all be staying. He needs to focus on loving you, not leaning on you.

Naturally we are there for our partners, to support them, but we do them the greatest favour, and give them the greatest credit by not depending on them to prop us up.

[JaneS]

Thanks TaraMaiden...appreciate your words.

 

No, no therapy, just medication. Interesting what you say about the fact that he is subconsciously thinking that it's ok for me to put up with this.....I feel like such a mug after this weekend, I really do.

 

I think that maybe I come across as being 'too nice' and it frustrates me that I do this. The same thing happened exactly a year ago with my depressed ex - I should have ended it sooner but didn't. Thought maybe I had become stronger but this proves otherwise.

 

I need to change my approach from hereon in......thanks again

[TaraMaiden]

I think you are stronger because you are recognising the pattern, and it is not sitting well with you.

The problem is, this is causing conflict in you.

Should I try to stick this out?

Should I just walk away?

The kind considerate loving and supportive side of you is tempting you to stay.

But the more (apparently) selfish, self-preserving and independent side of you is entreating you to go.

 

It depends how much you value, and wish to safeguard your own persona in this.

 

You may have to do the selfish thing and tell him that not only are you not prepared to put yourself through this once more, but that you are not professionally or emotionally equipped to do so.

 

you believe he needs counselling/therapy, and you are not about to be willing to fill that role.....

 

You have to discuss this with him, but if he becomes defensive and begins accusing you of being heartless, or backing him into a corner - then you know what to do.

 

I am making no prediction either way, I obviously hope it goes well for you.

But I hope it also goes the best way for you, too.

[JaneS]

You can see into my mind TaraMaiden Such insightful comments.

 

Yes, one of the things that I need to work on is reacting to things that he says straight away....I am getting better but feel that a couple of things he said over the weekend should have been responded to in a different way altogether. Being open and honest is something I like about him so I should learn to do the same....whatever the outcome between him and I.

 

Bizarre this whole thing, I seem to attract men like this. The ironic thing is that, in an attempt to get over my break up with depressed ex last year I went on a group holiday to get away from it all...this is where I met current man. From the frying pan an' all that.........

 

Thank you so much...feeling rather anxious myself this afternoon but your words have helped considerably.

[TaraMaiden]

Being 'attracted to men like this' works both ways. They're attracted to you. You must have a nurturing and caring aspect to your personality that attracts them to you as a safe harbour... but this can leave you vulnerable, out-of-control and exhausted.

There is nothing wrong with attracting people like this, providing you shelter yourself and you are emotionally equipped to deal with it.

 

 

Only you can decide this.

but remember, there is nothing compelling you to stay.

Don't see this as a challenge....

it's supposed to be an equally-balanced relationship (as much as any relationship ever can be!) so there should be a healthy co-dependency, not a need.....

 

I wish you well, and hope this resolves itself positively.

 

_/l\_

[paddington bear]

Wow I think Taramaiden has given some great advice here. She has it totally covered! However, I just wanted to point out the 'too nice' comment you used to describe yourself.

 

I've been told by friends that I'm too nice. I too have had relationships with men with problems with depression. I think apart from attraction, my initial instinct is to mother them, to help them, it's a way of showing love I suppose. However after the initial need to feel needed is satisfied soon you become sick and tired of always being the one that is leaned upon and you get resentful. As you've already been through this, I think the warning bells are sounding quicker this time. You're recognising a repeating pattern, so don't ignore those ringing bells - that's why you're feeling drained, I reckon subconsciously you know what's ahead, because having previously dealt with a man with mental health issues.

 

After starting therapy myself, I was forced to consider a few questions and points which I will now repeat here in case they strike a chord.

 

Why do you feel the need to help this person? Are they an adult? Do you not think that it's up to them to sort out their problems themselves? What makes you think that you're so special that you're the only one who can 'fix' them?

 

Immediately leaping in to help someone else with their problems and issues, takes valuable energy away from helping yourself achieve your own goals and you can get totally subsumed by someone else's needs. You can't help others until you take care of yourself first.

 

Could your desire to help others draw men to you who look upon you as an emotional crutch?

 

And I would add, what do you want from a relationship, do you want to act as someone's mother-figure, analyst, crutch? Or do you want an easy, mature, relaxed relationship that doesn't emotionally drain you, because you are in a healthy relationship where you get as much emotional support back as you give.

 

I would advise you to split with this man right now, or at least take a break and don't contact him and have a think about whether you want to go down a similar road again.

 

Wishing you the best of luck.

[JaneS]

paddington bear, sound advice, thanks. Interesting to hear from someone who has been through a similar thing and also has been told they're 'too nice'.

 

I am recognising that pattern, you're right. Great to read those comments from your therapy sessions. They do indeed strike a chord. With my last partner, it was all new to me (dealing with depression) and I thought that I could 'fix' him. Though it took longer than it should have, I broke away after realising he had to do it himself.

 

I had the 'why me?' moment when I first got involved with the current guy but was part aware of what I was taking on. Have only found out of late, that his condition is worsening by the week and that I am dealing with someone very complex.

 

My friends advised to me to split from him early on (knowing what I had experienced before) - I am doing what you advise and thinking very carefully about travelling down that all too familiar road...maybe he is right and that he should indeed sort himself out before pursuing a relationship of any kind.

 

I crave a relationship that is easy, mature and relaxed.....I think I have my answer right there..........regards paddington bear