4 years later..MM left..is nearly divorced..why aren't I happy?

[Babylove]

Hi All,

 

I was hoping that when i next posted here again, it would be with happy news!! And well, it is, and it isn't..

 

I last posted in 2006 when i was in the early stages of my emotional affair with my MM..was completely in love, but distraught over the situation and trying to get out.. It was only after 2 years of much heartache, in June 2007 that i finally had the strength to break it off! After that I moved on to date someone else for about 6 months...and was for the first time in a long time...really happy!! During that time..my MM continued to pursue me, was extremely depressed over our breakup and VERY remorseful over the way in which he had treated me..Come December 2007, he told me that he had rented a flat, would be leaving his wife...and that he couldn't live without me...wanted to be with me forever, live together, marriage, kids the whole thing!

 

Well i was shocked...after years of wanting something so badly...it was finally happening! It seemed that me dating someone else..had made him realise how much he wanted to be with me!

 

So i decided to give things another go with him...he seemed truly changed...he was remorseful over the past...put me first, listened to my needs and wants...was excited abt our future together...told his ex about me.....and well yeah, all of that lasted about 6 months.......

 

His ex has made things v unpleasant for him...poisoned his r'ship with the kids (it is only now back on track)....and moved with them to another city... on top of that she sent me abusive txt messages and threatened my life.... and also her own....

 

So because of that my MM says..he had to change his behaviour.....this meant not filing for divorce straight away...telling her that he is single and not seeing anyone else....so essentially keeping me in a cupboard...He says this is the only way to stop her erratic behaviour..which he is concerned abt because he doesn't want it to have an impact on the kids..

 

So here i am a year and a half later.. (since we got back together)...he has finally filed for divorce,...but he still hasn't told the ex and kids about me.....(and gets angry everytime i raise the subject)....is using up all his holidays to visit the kids, and doesn't want to take hols with me.....(i already know i'm going to be shoved aside when they come to stay with him for school holidays in 6 weeks), he no longer seems excited about the prospect of living together or marriage......says it will happen once he's dealt with all this other worries... divorce, kids etc....... so it is really far from the fairytale ending that i dreamed of..and that which he promised me at the start of this r'ship.....

 

I love him so much,and understand the kids need to be his priority...but the problem is after waiting so long for him to leave his marriage in the first place...i don't really have the patience to keep waiting anymore and to always play second fiddle..and he promised that he would never put me through that again.. Funny how quickly things change..

 

Anyway..just thought i'd post to give an update as a former OW..and to get any feedback/advice from others who are have been through similar situations?

[Lizzie60]

Aaaaahhhhh-aaaaaahhhh.. come on girl... dump the SoB.

 

He is easily manipulated by the ex.. so that's bad news.. run now.. it's not too late.

 

I've been there.. with my last ex. but not quite the same... then one day .. I put my foot down.. and no more 'ex' in the picture or I would be out of the picture..

 

So he finally did what I had proposed to do... she was still very bitter and angry (they were already separated when I met him)... and she was hoping he would be back..

 

It's very hard.. in my case it lasted 5 years.. I was still head over heels in love with the guy.. but I knew I had to move on..

 

The ex was still in the picture, but not as much... but the kids were moving with us full time.. and I knew I didn't want to raise more kids.. that meant she would have been around again.

[norajane]

If you were dating a single guy who had made you miserable like this, would you really have continued hanging on to him for this long? No? Then why put up with it for a MM?

 

Just because you have a past history, and just because you've been waiting for him to get a divorce for so long, does not mean that you have to stay with him now if you are unhappy!

[OpenBook]

Sadly, having a beautiful connection with someone is only a part of the full picture... sometimes only a small part.

 

I don't think this guy is an SOB or anything, just another guy reluctantly divorcing. Men don't like to divorce. And they don't handle it very well when it does happen.

 

(Although I do see a red flag popping up about his exW... why did he marry a psycho??? or did he make her become that way with his behavior??? Either way - definite red flag.)

 

It sounds like he's just got too much baggage for you... baggage that's a higher priority than you are. I think you are right to look out / stand up for yourself here. You're not getting what you need and deserve out of this relationship. He's either incapable or unwilling to give that to you.

 

You've got a tough choice in front of you. IMO, better to cut your losses and move on. But you are the best person to make that decision.

[WinterLand]

After that I moved on to date someone else for about 6 months...and was for the first time in a long time...really happy!!

 

What happened to that someone else? Did you cheat on him with your married man?

 

Don't you want to to gack to that happy time and totally ignored MM so you wouldn't be in this mess?

 

The wife knows who you are and his kids know who you are. You will always be the mistress and the homewrecker to them. And, do you really think he is always be on your side. Or, even mostly on your side over his own children and ex-wife?

[NoIDidn't]

Everyone else already said enough.

 

You are gonna have to decide what you really want and pursue it fully.

[jaweast]

You are always going to be second fiddled to his children until he marry you. Right now, he probably don't want his wiife or children to know about you because they will put it together that you are and was his mistress when he lived with them. This will cause more hatred. You have two choices accept this living arrangement or leave the relationship.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need to accept that your just the mistress...

 

Nothing more, nothing less, your his sexual plaything when he needs you around he uses you. What's worse is that from an objective standpoint is that, you dont mind it. What do you hope to gain by messing with him, being wife number 2? is dating a married man easier because theres no real commitment, only table scraps of emotions. Is that what you want?

 

Wow deluded and naive.

 

...I need to start lying to women more to get them in the sack. I really do.

 

I dont mean to come across as mean spirited but really what the hell are you thinking by dealing with a MARRIED man in the first place. He truly isnt your man.

[whichwayisup]

Reality has set in..Either he's changed his mind or isn't ready for any kind of committment to you, or anyone else.

 

Go read Stampdaddy's threads, recent and past..Maybe his situation will help you sort this out..To GET OUT.