shumagorath Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I am having a hard time getting the situation into less than a five-page essay, lol. We were on our way to marraige unitil she believed I had been cheating on her. Basically we are in a "limbo-period". I live in FLA, and she lives in NYC right now. We are officially broken-up, but still talk to each other as though we are together. I had wanted to move on, and she got extremely upset and basically begged me to try and work things out because she felt she still wanted to get engaged, she just wasnt ready to take me back just yet. I agreed, and although we made it clear that we would allow each other space, and that we were definitely not together, she is calling me constantly and getting upset if i dont call her back in a timely manner. Or if i hang out late without calling her. I dont like this double-standard because i know if i ever did the same, I would get crucified because I'm the one who "****ed it all up". She made it clear that she would stop visiting me, but then got upset when I got a roommate, saying "well now im not going to visit"...I thought you already werent visiting? Due to a family illness I am returning to NYC for a month, and she is insisting that I stay at her house for the month. I dont mind that, I miss her a ton and I think it could be good. I guess my dilemma is, how long until I start pushing the envelope and say "so are we together or what?". Because to me, I dont feel like a damn thing has changed really. Just to be clear, we were never engaged. I asked her to marry me after the breakup, but before then we had been talking about it already. Secondly, does this sound like a recipie for disaster? One thing here is that I know we both want this to work, its not me begging anymore, or her begging me to speak to her again, we were madly in love and i know we still are. I also know however, that she is still very upset with me and may not be completely ready to forgive. What do you think? Give it a month and if nothing move on with my life? Or keep fighting the good fight to make this work? I feel like neither of us is doing a very good job of keeping our distance emotionally...is it a good thing that we are getting very close again? Sorry for the enourmous post:p
TaraMaiden Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 "Look, are we together and exclusive as a couple or not? If yes, then let's re-build on this. if you say no, then I'm going to hang the hat up on this, call it a day and start dating again. You cant expect me to be around for you excluisvely, if you don't commit 100% to me. It's either one way or the other, no half measures. So, which is it to be?" Then keep quiet and let her exhaust all possibilities. ignore everything, and say nothing at all, but keep asking just one question. "Yes, or no?" If she says yes, go from there and seek commitment. If she says no - then follow Caliguy's wondrous advice on going No Contact. Be sure for your sake and hers you stick to it.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Hell no , y'all aint a couple!!!! It's simple, it's over move on and stop contacting her, she sounds like an idiot and you do as well for holding on to a woman who aint even in the same city, much less maintaining a relationship which is already strained. Move on, you'll be better off.
Soul Bear Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 ''I know we both want this to work, its not me begging anymore, or her begging me to speak to her again, we were madly in love and i know we still are'' ''I miss her a ton and I think it could be good.'' You answered you own question. You only move on and forget about it if thats what you want to do. If you feel there is more to it than that, then fight my friend, with every last breath you have. ''I also know however, that she is still very upset with me and may not be completely ready to forgive'' You need to forgive yourselves and each other. Just be honest and open with her. If she thinks you cheated then you have to earn her trust back again. Peace and Light SoulBear
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 ''I know we both want this to work, its not me begging anymore, or her begging me to speak to her again, we were madly in love and i know we still are'' ''I miss her a ton and I think it could be good.'' You answered you own question. You only move on and forget about it if thats what you want to do. If you feel there is more to it than that, then fight my friend, with every last breath you have. ''I also know however, that she is still very upset with me and may not be completely ready to forgive'' You need to forgive yourselves and each other. Just be honest and open with her. If she thinks you cheated then you have to earn her trust back again. Peace and Light SoulBear WTF is she thinks he cheated??? He even said he didnt cheat! she just said that to justify what she did with herself, do you not see what's going on here or are you just as blind? There's nothing to forgive, the only problem is that they are both so far away, with that many issues why continue any type of relationship??? I mean what's the point of holding on, they arent married or have kids?
Author shumagorath Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 I've tried to let go a couple of times. I've read up plenty on NC. I've attempted it twice. The first time, the day I said I preferred not to speak i got 82 calls that night......82. The second time, which was approximately a month ago, it lasted about 3 days, and for those 3 days i got about 60 calls. I mean what do I do about this? Its not like i don't want to get back together either. I just feel like its impossible to do NC, and I kind of dont want to. Either way I'll be with her for a whole month I guess to get a clearer picture of whether to continue beyond the month or not.
Author shumagorath Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Just to add....she has also attempted to not contact me, and within few days i either get a call or e-mail saying that she cares too much to just walk away. I mean what do we do if neither one actually wants to cut it off? Especially, when now we've been speaking as if nothing happened? Things seem to be headed in a good direction, I just am not interested in playing any more games beyond this month. Especially if things get really heavy while I'm there...which they probably will. Hmm..I think I kind of answered my own question a little there.
Soul Bear Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Why continue any relationship Barracuda.... Maybe I am 'just as blind' Only the OP knows how he really feels about this girl. Im encouraging him to do what he feels is best for him. Im not telling him to fight, nor to leave it go. I am simply saying that he has the option of either or. Take of the blinkers and think outside the box.
Soul Bear Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Hmm..I think I kind of answered my own question a little there. Now THAT is progress. Well done Shumagorath
TaraMaiden Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I just am not interested in playing any more games beyond this month. Especially if things get really heavy while I'm there...which they probably will. Hmm..I think I kind of answered my own question a little there. Which is precisely why I advised you to do as I suggested: Put her on the spot. No more namby-pamby pussyfooting. She is either in or she is not. But this cannot be played both ways. And if she says she cannot commit, then why should you keep holding on to something that is clearly ripping you apart? It does not matter how many times she tried to contact you. It was only 82 the first time, and 60 the second because you caved in and did not let it get to 83 (and onwards) or 61 (and onwards). The only reason she gets through to you is because you let her. Your choice. if you want to be done with this, you have to stop caring/worrying/wondering about what she does/will do. Completely. No holds barred.... Quit this completely. The one - and the only one - you should begin to be 100% concerned about, is you, and what you do.
vanilla87 Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Sounds like to me she can't let you go. She seems to be caught between a rock and a hard place when deciding on what to do when it comes to you. Just ask her what she wants from you and maybe then it won't be so confusing. But also let her know where you stand on everything too, no girl likes being confused either. Also the only reason she keeps calling is because she misses you and doesn't know how else to deal with it. I can tell you need space, just tell her you need a few days alone if she tries to contact you again. And let her know that you'll be very busy with work or whatever your current thing is right now. You need to be up front and straight to the point, because she doesn't get what's going on at all. Playing these games will only dig a bigger hole for your situation. Just be honest with the girl.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 If you two can never live together in the same city in the long run, then I dont see the point of continuing.
SeeingClearer Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Well, it sounds to me that the 'engagement' commitment could be the problem, why not just start things over? Carry on as you are, stay friends, then just see what happens, if you think it's worth it, then it's worth a go isn't it??
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