Dating more than one person?

[JadedHeart]

Hello all, from a male's perspective I just don't understand this concept.

 

For me it's always if you really liked the person you'd want to give them 100% and anything less would make me feel guilty. Call me old fashioned but when the F*^$ did this dating more than one person come into play?

 

I'm back into the dating scene after being heartbroken, dating this new chick but she is dating someone else at the same time! I have not confronted her by the way, we've been out on only a few dates.

 

Would it be wrong or super sensitive of me to just drop her like a hot potato after finding out? Would bluntly asking what the situation about the other person make me seem needy or uncompromising?

 

Since when the F$&* did people start accepting open relationships? I'm not criticizing the people on here that do, but merely questioning if I am over reacting or not.

 

Any and all comments would be appreciated. Thanks

[xpaperxcutx]

i only recently started multidating and the reason I have behind it is that I don't feel any commitment to one guy until exclusivity is raised. I think putting too much effort into one person is a waste of time because why should you be expected to be the only person putting in your efforts when the other person might be seeing someone else?

 

It's not cheating or anything that might make you a bad person. You're merely dating around to find the right person that you have more common with.

[dreamergrl]

I've only recently started attempting to date more the one guy. It doesn't work out right for me though, I can't do it. I never feel like I'm giving the right amount of myself to the other person. Even if it's not serious.. it just doesn't seem like I'm doing the right thing.

[Lucky555]

It was difficult for me in the beginning to date more than one guy. However, through experiences the guys were usually dating other women too. On most occasions i dated more than one guy because I wanted to get to know each one better. Most of the time I didn't think the men had much in common with me besides attraction to each other. I was looking for more than just attraction and mostly compatibility.

 

I think its different if you know the person for a while as opposed to complete strangers, when it comes to dating.

 

I don't feel guilty because I don't lead them on, I tell them my intentions are to get to know you better. Its hard to be with one person and then find out after 2 weeks there is nothing there.

[bitbyte]

 

Would it be wrong or super sensitive of me to just drop her like a hot potato after finding out? Would bluntly asking what the situation about the other person make me seem needy or uncompromising?

 

Since when the F$&* did people start accepting open relationships? I'm not criticizing the people on here that do, but merely questioning if I am over reacting or not.

 

I think as long as both parties are upfront and honest with it, it shouldn't be a big deal, however it's definitely not for everyone. After getting my heartbroken on several occasions I no longer put all my eggs in one basket. It's not to say I won't enter into an exclusive relationship, but next time I'm going to have be really sure about it.

 

If its not for you, then you should drop her and move on.

[Mahatma]

You sound angry.

 

You used the term "open relationship." You are dating. She is not doing anything wrong.

 

However, I do not put up with multidating for very long. I'll put up with it for about 3 dates, or 3 weeks, whichever comes first.

 

I do not like it because it makes it more of a competition instead of what it should be.

[JadedHeart]

Question for the previous poster, so dating means you're not in a relationship?

I always thought relationships started the moment you're part of their lives, whether it be platonic relationship, business, romantic, etc...

 

So dating is now considered a prerequisite for relationships?

I don't even know what dating is anymore...

Whatever...

 

Yes I am a bit ticked off. I Thank you all for your insight, multi-dating is definitely not for me.

 

If you ask someone out that should imply you're not seeing anyone, for anyone to accept should mean the same, that's my opinion. I'm not patronizing anyone but I also agree if both parties are up front about it then it should not be a problem. If you're one of those who are able to do this, best of luck to you.

 

I guess one more date out in Framingham would not hurt. Maybe it's not her fault, maybe this was the way it's always been for her. It would be pretty ignorant or jerkish for me to just drop off the face of the earth. I guess asking for being exclusive is the way to go, no use sitting here pondering about it.

 

Thank you all again

[paddington bear]

Ok, not being American the whole dating thing as it appears to be on your side of the pond, seems somewhat complicated and bound by all sorts of assumed rules and so on...so just bear that in mind that my opinion is a bit skewed from that perpective.

 

Anyway, I think it's perfectly acceptable to date more than one person, if...big IF...you are not sexually intimate with them. Getting to know you meals and coffees and walks in the park with a few different people I think is fine if you should be so lucky. However if one person is someone who you start bonding with, the others should fall by the wayside as soon as that becomes clear.

 

For me, as soon as I have sex with someone, then we are no longer dating in the 'getting to know you' sense, it is moving on to something else, not yet a relationship, but getting there. And if I'd got to the point where we're having sex and the guy told me he was multi-dating still, then I'd be hugely pissed off with him thinking it was ok to have sex with me and God-knows how many other people (STD's anyone?). To my mind (maybe I'm too innocent??) multi-dating with sex involved shouldn't have the word 'date' in its description as it's basically just sleeping around.

[gopher]

I just starting this now, only because the woman I really like has said she doesn't want to get wrapped up with one person and plans on dating others as well as me. If she did, I would focus on her alone. But, I don't want to be focused just on her until she decides she wants to be exclusive...I understand that it's not just up to her and I may change my mind at some point as I get to know her or meet someone else.

[WhyYesThankYou]

I'd encourage you to ask her - nicely - where she's coming from, and to really listen to her answer. She might have a completely different approach to dating and to exploring/forming relationships from your own, and it could turn out that your ways are incompatible, and then at least you'd know. And you might learn something about another person's approach to life that will add to your own knowledge about dating, relationships, etc.

 

I agree with the distinction some people have made here about dating (which is kind of a more casual "getting to know you" process early on) versus a relationship (which in the context of dating often implies a form of exclusivity, be that to one or more people). An open relationship is a different kettle of fish and is not a term that should be used synonymously with "dating."

 

I won't go on and on about this, although I certainly could. What I'd urge you to do, though, is ask her, in a light conversational tone, about what dating means to her. See if you can find out where she's coming from without making it seem like she's on trial for doing something wrong.

 

I say this because my esteemed ex just gave me holy hell about my approach to relationships, but he never really asked me about my thinking. And when I tried to explain to him, he just got really angry and expected/demanded me to do things "his way." Thus, he is now my ex.

[Lizzie60]

Wow.. since when first date becomes 'exclusivity'

 

Only a few dates and you already want exclusivity.. ouch.. talk about desperation.

[anya85]

I had this same issue. I've been "online dating" since December. Intially I was talking to a few guys--but I met one who I *really* liked. We talked daily, had everything in common, he was very attractive--perfect in my eyes. When I met this one--I ditched everyone else. I didn't need them, I had him. But around the 2-3 month mark, I began becoming curious about if we were going to become exclusive, because that's what I wanted.

 

Turns out--he begins to pull a fade out on me soon after. I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm upset, I try to figure it out for another month before I come out and ask him and he says "I'm not looking for a relationship. I don't know what I want." wtf. So I wasted 4 months on this person, giving him *my all* to have it end up all wasted, *and* I'd ditched everyone else--one of them could have been what I was looking for but I was too enamored with this dildo to see it. Since then--I've become ok with multidating. Dating is just that--it's dating, you're getting to know the person to see if the potential is there for something more.

 

I wouldn't be ok with actually *sleeping with* multiple people, or even being far enough into dating to be making out/being touchy feely with multiple people, but coffee dates, movies, restaurants, it's all good. When I find what I'm looking for--a solid *exclusive* relationship, I'll break off every one else.

[xpaperxcutx]

I had this same issue. I've been "online dating" since December. Intially I was talking to a few guys--but I met one who I *really* liked. We talked daily, had everything in common, he was very attractive--perfect in my eyes. When I met this one--I ditched everyone else. I didn't need them, I had him. But around the 2-3 month mark, I began becoming curious about if we were going to become exclusive, because that's what I wanted.

 

Turns out--he begins to pull a fade out on me soon after. I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm upset, I try to figure it out for another month before I come out and ask him and he says "I'm not looking for a relationship. I don't know what I want." wtf. So I wasted 4 months on this person, giving him *my all* to have it end up all wasted, *and* I'd ditched everyone else--one of them could have been what I was looking for but I was too enamored with this dildo to see it. Since then--I've become ok with multidating. Dating is just that--it's dating, you're getting to know the person to see if the potential is there for something more.

 

I wouldn't be ok with actually *sleeping with* multiple people, or even being far enough into dating to be making out/being touchy feely with multiple people, but coffee dates, movies, restaurants, it's all good. When I find what I'm looking for--a solid *exclusive* relationship, I'll break off every one else.

 

Anya, you wrote down everything that needs to be said.

 

Multidating is something that opens more options for oneself rather than having to give all our time to just one person. It's a waste of emotions trying to get one person to like you when in fact they're not even on the same page.

[JadedHeart]

Okay I understand now. I will be more open minded and perhaps since I've been in a relationship this whole time it's been a while since the dating scene. My views may be old fashioned or outdated but I'll learn to get with the times.

 

I suppose you guys are right I should be able to differentiate dating and relationships, as they're not the same.

 

I would also agree dating as just coffee or movies is okay, as most dates do end with hugs or kisses that part sort of makes me uncomfortable. But seriously how many people just date and nothing ever happens? There has to be some sort of attraction if they're going on a date anyways right?

 

I will casually bring up her views about dating I think that's excellent advice.

 

As far as Lizzie, I'm sorry if my beliefs and morals are different than yours. I'm willing to walk away without looking back I don't see how that constitutes as desperation.

 

On the other side of the fence I could just call you a w hore, you could very well be, but that would be pretty ignorant of me to call you that, just as ignorant as you calling me desperate. Oh wait, you already have.

 

I'm glad to hear people do put boundaries when multi dating and as long as they keep them I no longer view multi dating the same. Thank you all for your insight it is greatly appreciated!

[Cora]

I don't know why but I have always been scared of the whole multidating thing for some reason or another. I can barely handle trying to date one guy let alone 2, 3 or good god more? But I'm thinking it may be the best thing for someone like me who becomes attached way too quickly to one particular guy. If I dated more than one then I wouldn't put all of my hopes into one guy therefor not being as crushed when things didn't work out.

 

I think I would like to give this approach a try. One guy I have been talking to has already asked me out for coffee and then there is another one I'm interested in but just haven't told him yet so we will see how that goes. Maybe it's just what I need to get over the guy I am/was currently seeing. I don't know how I will like it but I'll give this multidating a try.

[paddington bear]

I had this same issue. I've been "online dating" since December. Intially I was talking to a few guys--but I met one who I *really* liked. We talked daily, had everything in common, he was very attractive--perfect in my eyes. When I met this one--I ditched everyone else. I didn't need them, I had him. But around the 2-3 month mark, I began becoming curious about if we were going to become exclusive, because that's what I wanted.

 

Turns out--he begins to pull a fade out on me soon after. I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm upset, I try to figure it out for another month before I come out and ask him and he says "I'm not looking for a relationship. I don't know what I want." wtf. So I wasted 4 months on this person, giving him *my all* to have it end up all wasted, *and* I'd ditched everyone else--one of them could have been what I was looking for but I was too enamored with this dildo to see it. Since then--I've become ok with multidating. Dating is just that--it's dating, you're getting to know the person to see if the potential is there for something more.

 

I wouldn't be ok with actually *sleeping with* multiple people, or even being far enough into dating to be making out/being touchy feely with multiple people, but coffee dates, movies, restaurants, it's all good. When I find what I'm looking for--a solid *exclusive* relationship, I'll break off every one else.

 

I think this is all VERY valuable advice. Women can tend to pour all our energies into one guy as soon as we decide we like them and then when the guy decides he's not ready, doesn't really want to get serious or whatever, we're crushed.

 

Meeting other guys, apart from helping us not devote all our thoughts and desires onto one man, also changes the energy around you, you know that you have other options, but so too do the men you're dating, if even subconsciously. It means you don't cling so much, don't pin too many expectations on one guy, they don't feel smothered, and more importantly you feel like an attractive woman and you get a little bit of power back.

 

There is nothing worse than hanging around week after week waiting for someone who you like to get on board, that feeling of helplessness is horrible. Seeing more men takes some of that away and probably makes you appear more desirable in general - we've probably all been there, once you have a boyfriend, it seems that other men suddenly want you, because the energy around you has changed. It is then up to one of these men to step up to the plate and actually state that they want a relationship with you.

 

However, once you've slept with one of them you're pretty screwed (no pun intended!).

[bitbyte]

I equate dating as trying on clothes at a store. You bring a whole bunch to the change room and sees which fits best. And if you're good, you walk away and buy just one.