carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Oh, no doubt he's in the friendzone.... but no harm playing along for a bit and experimenting. OP, did I mention to date other women? If I didn't, I'll insert that now. Mention them in passing (no details). Don't be a jerk about it; friends like for their friends to be happy
kizik Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Viking, you care way too much. I understand what it feels like to be attracted to someone, but the thing that you seem to be forgetting is this: Life will go on with or without her. She likes you? Great. She doesn't? Too bad. You said you work and go to school; that is awesome. THOSE are the things that really matter, not girls. As soon as you internalize that mentality, you'll find yourself no longer fretting over some girl. Just some girl out of millions, man. You have decades to meet more.
Author Viking Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Viking, you care way too much. I understand what it feels like to be attracted to someone, but the thing that you seem to be forgetting is this: Life will go on with or without her. She likes you? Great. She doesn't? Too bad. You said you work and go to school; that is awesome. THOSE are the things that really matter, not girls. As soon as you internalize that mentality, you'll find yourself no longer fretting over some girl. Just some girl out of millions, man. You have decades to meet more. True. I have just recently decided to start dating again with the intention of finding someone steady, so I think its a combination of seeing all of the options out there, having fun and taking it to mean more than it perhaps did, and feeling like I'm pressured/rushed to make something happen when something should just happen, not be forced. I appreciate the comments guys. I will try to keep this updated. I'll be going out with her Thursday and judging on how I'm either treated/talked to, that will tell me where this will or won't go. Either way, I'm going to have a date tomorrow night with a girl I've been seeing for about 4 weeks now. I gave up on the Canadian as it was a hassle and we just aren't on the same page. None of the girls I see are though...maybe I need to search elsewhere. I haven't dated someone since last July, so I'm a little rusty. July is when my three year relationship ended, but I was strung along until November when I said eff it...only too long after I realized what a waste it was. So, I can pull the cord on my emotions so to speak. I just hate the feeling of being used/befriended because of me being nice to a girl.
Cherished Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 She's either attracted to you or she isn't, you can't control that.
dunstable Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 How can you think you care for this girl when you don't want to be a friend to her? Seems like you want to skip that stage and go straight into a relationship without knowing her. Unless you are just out for sex and a conquest your attitude makes no sense at all to me. I would be hugely admiring of a girl who didn't want just to jump into bed with the first guy that came along after her breakup.
Author Viking Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 How can you think you care for this girl when you don't want to be a friend to her? Seems like you want to skip that stage and go straight into a relationship without knowing her. Unless you are just out for sex and a conquest your attitude makes no sense at all to me. I would be hugely admiring of a girl who didn't want just to jump into bed with the first guy that came along after her breakup. OK, maybe it came out wrong when I initially phrased the question. What I want to do is become her friend, but be more than the platonic friend type. That is what I meant by avoiding the friendzone. I have no problem being friends with her. I saw her on the bus this morning and we talked, seeing her tomorrow too for lunch. I am not looking to "get into her pants", as that is not who I am. I went almost three years without having sex with my last gf because that's my belief system. If I wanted to, I could have. I chose not to. To me, I am simply trying to avoid becoming a strictly platonic friend. I think someone mentioned a "girlfriend with a penis" syndrome.
dunstable Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Viking, thanks for clarification but I am still a bit confused. Are you saying you would have no interest in having her as a platonic friend? Having a platonic friend can be a life-enriching experience. If I were you, I would try to develop one or two such friendships as well as finding your life partner. Regarding your general approach, it can be very scary for the woman if you want to proceed into a relationship quicker than she is comfortable with. Sometimes women profess to wanting platonic relationships or to go very slow, because it is easier to get out if they decide after a few meetings they have no interest in you. This is a very sensible precaution. That's probably what's happening here. She may also be nervous about the high failure rate of "rebound" relationships. I would suggest to just enjoy each meeting for what it is, don't solicit expressions of commitment at an early stage (probably you should not ever do that but let them come at her volition), don't be too quick to express feelings of love or commitment yourself, and see how things develop. Doing otherwise can make you look scarily needy, obsessive or controlling. If you stay relaxed, it is more likely to develop into the love that you are seeking.
Author Viking Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Viking, thanks for clarification but I am still a bit confused. Are you saying you would have no interest in having her as a platonic friend? Having a platonic friend can be a life-enriching experience. If I were you, I would try to develop one or two such friendships as well as finding your life partner. Regarding your general approach, it can be very scary for the woman if you want to proceed into a relationship quicker than she is comfortable with. Sometimes women profess to wanting platonic relationships or to go very slow, because it is easier to get out if they decide after a few meetings they have no interest in you. This is a very sensible precaution. That's probably what's happening here. She may also be nervous about the high failure rate of "rebound" relationships. I would suggest to just enjoy each meeting for what it is, don't solicit expressions of commitment at an early stage (probably you should not ever do that but let them come at her volition), don't be too quick to express feelings of love or commitment yourself, and see how things develop. Doing otherwise can make you look scarily needy, obsessive or controlling. If you stay relaxed, it is more likely to develop into the love that you are seeking. I understand the whole making/becoming friends. My problem is I seem to rush whatever it is that I am seeking and end up pushing too hard. With my last gf, it wasn't me that was pursuing her, which is the funny part. She called me and was always wanting to do something, not the other way around. I guess I just fell into that one... Well, the whole friends bit is the beginning of both platonic and romantic. I'll take it as it comes and see where it goes. I also realize that forcing something to happen is not a good way to go. Hopefully she'll be getting over her ex as they were together for only 8 months and its been about 1.5 months since. I know everyone is different, so slow and steady might win the race, or it might not. I'll post tomorrow with anything new. I don't expect to go by leaps and bounds. Maybe the more we go out, the more she'll realize that I'm something she'd like...
dunstable Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I understand the whole making/becoming friends. My problem is I seem to rush whatever it is that I am seeking and end up pushing too hard. Exactly. Pushing too hard is unattractive and even threatening. Well, the whole friends bit is the beginning of both platonic and romantic. I'll take it as it comes and see where it goes. I also realize that forcing something to happen is not a good way to go. Perfect! Hopefully she'll be getting over her ex as they were together for only 8 months and its been about 1.5 months since. No offense intended, I don't know your age but you sound awfully inexperienced if you think you can always get over someone in 6 weeks. Sometimes one can, when one realizes what a dreadful mistake was made, but other times it takes years, sometimes one never completely gets over it. Sometimes feelings for the lost partner can blight a new relationship. Sometimes people spend years in other relationships and then go back to the person for whom they had retained feelings. Every case is different.
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