Viking Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 So, this (like most of my others) will be kinda long...sorry. I met a girl on Tuesday through a mutual friend who I gave a ride home from school. I dropped our friend off and then dropped this new girl off. I'll call her "K". Well, K and I talked the entire way back to her house, but I failed to get her number because I didn't want to be that guy, to her. Well, I asked our mutual friend for her number because I was kicking myself for not just getting it. Got the number, called her and got a date set up for Thursday. Thursday came and I picked K up at noon at her house. Went and got lunch, ice cream and walked around the marina. Had a grand ol time, right? Well, I thought so, she told me she had a good time and so I thought that was the green light to ask her out again. So, what did I do? I said, "K, I've had a really nice time today, would you be interested in going back out sometime?" She said that she would want to go just as friends right now because she recently got out of a relationship about one month ago... But here's the catch, she said that she would still be interested in hanging out. I told her that I wanted to date before she told me about wanting to hang out, so she knew where I was coming from. My question is how do I avoid the friendzone with K? She wants to hang out, but I know that can be a deathblow to any possible relationship. I'm also kinda working with a timeline as she goes home from school in June, but only about 1 hour away. I didn't want her to elude my pursuit because of this. So I know I have to establish some sort of rapport, and relatively fast too. What are the steps I should take with someone just out of an 8 month relationship? Should I follow one of my friend's advice and tell her to call me when she wants to date? Should I hang out with her? Please help me, I think I finally found a girl that would be good for me (unlike quite a few others that I've recently dated). Thank you for all the help.
Lovelybird Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I don't get the "avoid friendzone" so popular around here. If a man cannot be a friend of her, he cannot be a good lover of her. With some friends women can develop romantic feelings, with some other friends women never are gonna. It isn't about friendzone or not. If you befriend her now, you may get chance may not, may get hurt. If you don't befriend her, you may never have chance. My advice is not to put too much expectation on getting her, but nurture some friendship. sometimes love isn't about getting someone though. when she said want to be friend, she aren't sure. and how can she? she just met you !
monkey00 Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 She said that she would want to go just as friends right now because she recently got out of a relationship about one month ago... But here's the catch, she said that she would still be interested in hanging out. I told her that I wanted to date before she told me about wanting to hang out, so she knew where I was coming from. . It's exactly what it means. Just because she wants to take it slow and hangout in the meantime doesn't necessarily mean you're in the friend zone death trap. She could just be interested in being single, taking things slow with you, or seeing what her options are. Personally I think your safest best is to date other women while you're seeing her. Sometimes, it's all about patience and persistence.
Author Viking Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 I don't get the "avoid friendzone" so popular around here. If a man cannot be a friend of her, he cannot be a good lover of her. With some friends women can develop romantic feelings, with some other friends women never are gonna. It isn't about friendzone or not. If you befriend her now, you may get chance may not, may get hurt. If you don't befriend her, you may never have chance. My advice is not to put too much expectation on getting her, but nurture some friendship. sometimes love isn't about getting someone though. when she said want to be friend, she aren't sure. and how can she? she just met you ! Lovely, thank you for that perspective. Ironically, my mom told me that how can I expect to have a decent relationship without a good friendship. The kind of friendship I'm trying to avoid is one that is equivalent to the "gay friend" kind. I want to be viewed, even now, as a possibility. It's exactly what it means. Just because she wants to take it slow and hangout in the meantime doesn't necessarily mean you're in the friend zone death trap. She could just be interested in being single, taking things slow with you, or seeing what her options are. Personally I think your safest best is to date other women while you're seeing her. Sometimes, it's all about patience and persistence. I am seeing one other girl right now. However, I've been seeing her for two weeks about twice a week, but "K" knocked me off my feet. By far a lot more interesting and she's not leaving the country for vacation in a week... I think I'll take her up on her offer of sushi and just getting together. I assume calling her and telling her that I'd be available Thursday would be good? Between work and school, I've got almost an entire full week without a break. Sometimes the best relationships come from a good friendship. I plan on reaping what I sow with this girl. I take it patience, kindness and understanding will get me the furthest? How should I go about initiating "hang out" time? Should it be "Hey, wanna go grab drinks/pool/air hockey?" I think that will work! It seems to work with the other girl. Just don't wanna mess this one up. Something quite promising about her.
loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 This is hard because you may end up trying too hard because of how much you like her. I agree with those who say that being friends doesn't necessarily exclude being romantic someday. Friendship is really important to any relationship. Quite frankly, being friends "first" won't impact whether or not she's attracted to you, whether she could see more between you. She's already attracted or not and being friends won't change that. Try and be yourself. Enjoy. This should be one of the good parts of life.
Chinook Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Let her come to you. You've told her how you feel and she knows you're not averse to hanging out. So let her think about things and decide whether she wants to take things further. For what it's worth, your Mom is right... a good friendship is worthwhile, but you need to make sure you're not going with overkill on trying too hard. Let her drive the boat for a while ... a lot of us find this hard. She's being sensible at the moment, so kudos to her... because she knows it could hurt you. I'd say that's a good sign.
IcemanJB Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 The best, most intense rs I've had started with me being friends with the girl for about 8 months first. I met her as she was breaking up with her boyfriend, much like you. I knew I liked her right away, and was pretty sure she liked me; and she also said something along the lines of "you're awesome, but I don't want to be tied down right now"...without me even mentioning going out, or dating, etc. Sure enough, about 3 months after she said that, we started dating. I wasn't like her best friend or anything, I'd say we IMed/texted every week or so and hung out every month or so, just enough to keep her interested I guess. My problem was I fell wayyyyy too hard for her, so it sucked hard core when we broke up. Just don't worry too much about the friend zone. Let me tell you, the anticipation resulting from those 8 months of getting to know each other first made that first kiss AMAZING. I remember every intricate detail of it, how she had to catch her breath, how she couldn't put a sentence together after it, etc. My best advice is to sort of lay low until she's ready; it seems like she likes you, so the ball is pretty much in her court now. Just don't fall too hard for her yet, and don't be overbearing on her.
shinedown Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Just don't worry too much about the friend zone. Let me tell you, the anticipation resulting from those 8 months of getting to know each other first made that first kiss AMAZING. I remember every intricate detail of it, how she had to catch her breath, how she couldn't put a sentence together after it, etc. My best advice is to sort of lay low until she's ready; it seems like she likes you, so the ball is pretty much in her court now. Just don't fall too hard for her yet, and don't be overbearing on her. Great advice there, and something which I'm working towards currently. Guys do seem to be obsessed with this 'friend zone' thing nowadays. Provided that you don't get too close and end-up being her 'BFF' or a shoulder for her to cry on, I think you're fine. This whole friend zone thing has been blown out of proportion in recent years I feel.
carhill Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 OP, I'll add one thing. If you're "friends", she needs to be a friend to you. That means asking you to hang out, being interested in your life and being supportive of challenges you face (not romantic stuff). If you don't see such proactive words and actions, she's not a friend and is just using you as a tampon. Don't let your sexual attraction cloud things. If you've ever had a real close platonic female friend, you know what I mean.
Bells Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I don't get the "avoid friendzone" so popular around here. If a man cannot be a friend of her, he cannot be a good lover of her. You would THINK, right? IN fact, I have always HOPED that this was ALWAYS the case...but it isn't There is a separate category for "Men I JUST want to be friends with" and "Men I want to date" I think that's why I'm more marriage material as opposed to dating material. The avoidance of being "Friendzoned" falls where you make your intentions AWARE of your ROMANTIC interest in her...by making a move by putting your arm around her shoulder, playing with her hair, touching her and rubbing the back of her arm. Do things that indicate romantic interest, don't treat her like a "Pal" or "buddy" Also, when a woman is dating a guy currently, there's about a handful of "male friends" waiting to pick up where the ex-boyfriend left off. So she has a supply of guys even after a break up
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 You wanna avoid the friend zone with her? simple. Once you get the date that youre going to go out, dont be too nice. Dont grill her with too many questions about her giving her the third degree. If you ask her a question, turn it around to something interesting. Make her laugh. Hopefully you already have some sort of chemistry. Be fun. Make fun of her a lil bit, dont constantly tell her how pretty she is. Maybe compliment her on her personality instead. But read what shes doing in return. If shes not asking any questions about you, then you know shes not really interested. This depends on how fun you make the conversation, or how interested in you she is. If shes not giving you any good vibes in return, you might be in trouble. End the date before she does, and keep the post date phone calls short. Leave her wanting more. If you are going to talk on the phone, say hi, how are you and make the next date, and get off. If you see her looking into your eyes alot, dont be afraid to kiss her in the middle of the date to relieve the tension. WORD OF WARNING: Not to rain on your parade but..... She just got out of this 8 month relationship. If youve read any of this board, you will know that this is dangerous territory for a woman that is the dumpee. She might still have lingering feelings for her ex, which might prevent her from giving you 100% of her heart. You will have to feel her out for a while, but keep that in the back of your mind just in case. You dont want to put yourself out there to a woman using you as a rebound.
alphamale Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 My question is how do I avoid the friendzone with K? She wants to hang out, but I know that can be a deathblow to any possible relationship. read the thread below:
Author Viking Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Thanks for the advice. I guess my biggest concern was becoming a "tampon" as Carhill put it, or rather, just a shoulder to cry on so to speak. That is what I view as the friendzone. I don't want to just become a friend they'll view as not a potential date material. How do you continue to keep that "tension" up so that she doesn't view me as just a guy friend with no romantic/physical interest?
Art_Critic Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 My question is how do I avoid the friendzone with K? You can't.. you have already been friendzoned.. Trust me.. it has nothing to do with her recently just coming out of a relationship as being the reason she said only friends.. If you had been the type of guy that trips her trigger she wouldn't have said that to you.. instead she would have said " Yes, but I want to take it slow. " Sorry.. being friendzoned sucks but it is a fact of life..
IcemanJB Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 You can't.. you have already been friendzoned.. Trust me.. it has nothing to do with her recently just coming out of a relationship as being the reason she said only friends.. If you had been the type of guy that trips her trigger she wouldn't have said that to you.. instead she would have said " Yes, but I want to take it slow. " Sorry.. being friendzoned sucks but it is a fact of life.. There are exceptions to this; like my story. Some girls generally do want to get fully over their ex before pursuing another. Some don't.
Author Viking Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 You can't.. you have already been friendzoned.. Trust me.. it has nothing to do with her recently just coming out of a relationship as being the reason she said only friends.. If you had been the type of guy that trips her trigger she wouldn't have said that to you.. instead she would have said " Yes, but I want to take it slow. " Sorry.. being friendzoned sucks but it is a fact of life.. I assume the reason she wants to continue to hang out or go out is because she's interested, but didn't want to use me as a rebound. That's what a friend of mine said as well as my manager. We're going to sushi this week. Like most have said, there isn't much harm to going out and being friendly together. It is face time and she'd be enjoying herself with me, as I feel like I'm pretty good to women. If she asks whether I'm seeing anyone else, I assume I should not tell her about the other girls I'm seeing? She's my main interest and it figures she's emotionally unavailable.:rolleyes::rolleyes: I just don't want to force it with her, and make her reel back and not want to do anything with me. I guess it all starts slowly, and in this case, really slow...
carhill Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Don't force it, but set a healthy timeline in your mind and continue to date other women. Once that timeline is reached, without proactive and positive actions from her, let her go. Your life isn't about her and what she wants and needs. Relationships are mutual. Does she care about you want and need? Think about that. The person who cares the least has the most control
MeaganRaye Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 The only way you can avoid the friendzone is unless the girl really likes you and wants a relationship with you. You can't make someone like you. So if you are sick of only being the friend, you need to find a girl who is really digging you.
Author Viking Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Don't force it, but set a healthy timeline in your mind and continue to date other women. Once that timeline is reached, without proactive and positive actions from her, let her go. Your life isn't about her and what she wants and needs. Relationships are mutual. Does she care about you want and need? Think about that. The person who cares the least has the most control I am dating other girls. I've expressed what I want and she knows full well, and we're still going to be hanging out. So, we'll see what she eventually does. I'm not putting my life on hold for her, but if she were to need time, I'd tread slowly if that's what it took. The only way you can avoid the friendzone is unless the girl really likes you and wants a relationship with you. You can't make someone like you. So if you are sick of only being the friend, you need to find a girl who is really digging you. True. However, I think I get along with girls pretty well and can convey the side of me that they usually click with. I just need to be super careful to not present the "shoulder to cry on side"... We're getting sushi on Thursday. She's given me a long period of time, 11:30-2PM to hang out with her. Does this mean anything special aside from "hang out"? Call it what you will, she knows I want to date her.
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 OK, cool; now, this is a great example of what I was saying. Did she pick up on the fact that *you* like sushi and proactively suggest the time and food choice? Did she talk about it? "Viking, I know how you love sushi so would you like to go to xxx on Thursday?". Since you're currently "friends", that's what a friend does. If not, you're a back burner boyfriend or a girlfriend with a penis, and it's all about her. You're catering to her. Her only contribution is her presence. You're a boyfriend *without* benefits. Do you see where this is going?
thewingwoman Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Honestly, aside from all the other great advice here, the best way to keep from being the 'gay guy friend' as you said, is to cut any conversations about anyone else either of you are seeing. As a girl, I can talk to my guy friends about a bad date or something, but I won't talk about things like with a 'friend' I'm interested in. Past relationships are a different thing because to get to know someone, you really do need to hear about their past. But when she starts talking about recent dates (as in while you are hanging out), cut the conversation as quickly as possible. It can be hard because you want to be there for her, but really, when you start listening to stuff like that, you are in the bad kind of friendzone.
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 The above is good advice and is a signal I use to check on a "friend's" true perspective. I've also found that, by changing the signals I send out, I can appear to care less (romantically) and cause a bit of uncertainty, a bit of drama that the women pick up on. Relationship support is a phrase I coined in MC to describe the process. Give them what they want, in thought and action, sincerely, and they'll wonder what happened to the guy who was infatuated with them and they had on the back burner. It'll get irritating because they had him all figured out and then he got a curve ball in there. This, of course, presumes one sincerely likes the lady and that the friendship is mutually beneficial, an example of which I outlined in a prior post. If it is a back burner situation, and isn't equal, play the relationship support card and say "you know, I really value my friends and hope I've been a good one to you. I need people in my life who care about me and are interested in me." Smile and leave it at that. If that proactive friendship I spoke of prior does not continue nor materialize, end the friendship and move on. You just left an incompatible person, both as a friend and potential lover. No great loss
Author Viking Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 OK, here's what happened. I told her Thursday would work best for me as I neither work nor have school. She chose the time and asked if that it worked for me. It does, so I went with it. I'd say that she didn't just say, "11:30 on Thursday, be there or be square." She took into account what I said/could do. She's got class on either side of that time period, early morning from 8:30-10:30 and 5-9 (I think). Anyways, I think that's the proactive process you're talking about Carhill.
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Keep us posted I'll be doing demo on a beach house on Thursday but they tell me internet access will be uninterrupted. Part of my anti-friendzone therapy
BCCA Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I think youre already friend zoned. Ive never known 'I just got out of a relationship...' to mean anything more than they arent interested. Im sure there are exceptions, but Ive actually said that knowing full well it was really that I wasnt into the other person. Im curious though, so keep us posted.
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