LoveIsMySecret Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I need advice, please! I've been dating this guy for awhile now. We enjoy spending time together. He's great. I've been surprised quite recently how much his friends know about me, even though I haven't met half of them (he would be on the phone with them and they would say hi and asked me about what's going on in my life, weird!) Anywho, I sometimes question our relationship because he hasn't really told me how he feels about me. I know he shows it at times but I rather hear the words. The other night I was at a lounge with my friends and we were talking. I was telling one of my friends about him and she made a comment that was surprising, (she was basically saying how we sound like f#@* buddies because we hardly see eachother anymore and all we do when we see eachother is have sex). I was a bit tipsy and I agreed with her. A couple minutes later I sent him the message about the comment she made and he said "let's talk about this later". Well a few days past and I brought it up again and he just flipped. He was getting defense, insulting my friend. Saying stuff like, why would I let my friend start me up when she's probably lonely and unhappy herself. He asked me if I really felt that way. I really didn't know what to say at the time but that idea has crossed my mind. He's mad that I questioned the relationship. He once said, "why do you underestimate me, why do you think I only want sex. That's not the case". Why do you think he flipped like that? Do you think this comment would hurt our relationship? Do you that maybe if he just flat out said how he feels, everything would be fine?
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 It's kind of your fault for not approaching him to begin with about your concerns, then saying the wrong thing drunk. he could have Handled it more maturely, but you shouldnt be afraid to talk to him about it. If he blows up over this, is this a taste of how reacts to the lil things for the future?
Author LoveIsMySecret Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 If he blows up over this, is this a taste of how reacts to the lil things for the future? That's a good point. What happens if we have bigger problems? I don't know. During the blowout he was constantly rambling about my friend and how she should have stayed out of our business. (Which is true, but she didn't tell him directly. I guess I'm to blame.) He was like, "everything was good until now". That comment surprised me but i I didn't want to get in another tiff.
slutacious Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 your relationship sounds like mine. And i am starting to realize that if i have to question it, or find other people to approve of it, i probably should have ended it a long time ago.
sugarmomma Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 The firs thing you did wrong was tell him what "someone " else had to say about your relationship. The first hing you should have done was take what she said and put it to a test. This could have been done by taking the sex out of the relationship or telling him no sometimes just to see how he would react. Also instead of spending time inside having sex make him take you out then go home. Now I don't know. Maybe you should just break up with him. He could have responded more maturely by saying "lets take the sex out and I can show you", however, he didn't. Sounds like you have a decision to make. I think you know what to do. Dump him.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 The firs thing you did wrong was tell him what "someone " else had to say about your relationship. EXACTLY. Men don't sit around with their buddies usually and discuss their relationships. It can be insulting to him when his SO comes to him and tells him what so-and-so thinks of the relationship. First of all - why didn't the SO talk to HIM about it? Second of all - how the hell would so-and-so know the full extent of what's going on in the relationship? They're only getting one half of the story. It can be insulting to some men when other people try to fix something for them. On the other hand, I'm a bit concerned by his reaction. In my experience with a chronic liar, he got most angry with my questions when I was getting closer to the truth. More defensive. This was a decent question to ask. If a partner is doubting the other's intentions, then maybe that should say something about the other's actions. He needs to grow up and learn how to handle things like an adult. But then again - so do you. Drunk texting him with your friend's opinion wasn't the greatest move.
Author LoveIsMySecret Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 It can be insulting to him when his SO comes to him and tells him what so-and-so thinks of the relationship. First of all - why didn't the SO talk to HIM about it? Second of all - how the hell would so-and-so know the full extent of what's going on in the relationship? Drunk texting him with your friend's opinion wasn't the greatest move. I realize that now. I shouldn't have brought my friend into the relationship but I didn't expect him to get so angry. I've never seen him so defensive, so angry. He continued to say, "why don't you let me and you decide if we have a problem". You're right, It was foolish of me to drunk text him. I should have waited to express my concerns. Now I don't think things feel the same since that incident. We're still together but now that he's aware that I questioned the relationship, he's been acting weird.
Chinook Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Personally, my experience of this is once you reach the point of being on the same page as him (questioning the relationship) he will run to be defensive and it will turn out to be all your fault (as you've stated) and it will all end the same way anyhow. His defensiveness now is an excuse because you guys were headed this path anyhow. You were just a bit slower than him in realising it. It looks like it's headed to breakup imho. But like I said, it was going that way anyhow. You just got a heads up beforehand.
JeezLouise Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Personally, I would be a bit insulted and angry if I was in a relationship with someone and they implied that my only interest in them was as a FB, especially if he/she had previously seemed to be very happy with the relationship that we were building. So no wonder he was ticked with you for putting more credence into your friend's observation (and IS she lonely and unhappy and BF-less?) than into your own feelings and beliefs about your relationship. You should know it much better than she does, right? As for the idea that if he would just tell you how he feels, then everthing would be fine - everything would be fine from YOUR end. I don't know how long you have been dating or sleeping together or how much time you spend in contact with each other on a day-to-day basis or about your past relationships, but most guys just don't bounce out with their feelings and emotions. You are putting a female need on a male trend, and that can lead to disappointment. For future - if you want to know something about a relationship with a man, ask him. Sending him texts in a sideways attempt to get clarification, when you already know in mind exactly what you want him to say, is a certain way to get disappointed.
Author LoveIsMySecret Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Personally, I would be a bit insulted and angry if I was in a relationship with someone and they implied that my only interest in them was as a FB, especially if he/she had previously seemed to be very happy with the relationship that we were building. You're right. I just caught up with what my friend said and ran with it. Which I shouldn't have done. I guess I wasn't really expecting the outcome I received, but I now understand why he reacted the way he did.
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