loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Ya know, I hear it said a lot here that when someone is coming on too strong or the other person is backing off, to be less available. To not return phone calls or text messages, etc. If someone really likes you but got distracted or freaked out does this really make people come after you? Or does it just make people think you've lost interest? I hear it suggested here a lot and I have mixed thoughts on the subject.
dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I do too. I hate the "back off" "let them contact you" "pretend to be busy" It all seems like a big freaking game. Personally, if someone just backed off, I'd think they lost interests, hence why I have a hard time backing off myself. I don't try to come on strong, but I'm good for being straight forward. I try to. Until lately.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Backingoff is a last resort, when you think you've lost that persons interest. Sometimes it works, but you've already admitted defeat at that point. Sitting around bieng available in a dating stage doesnt give you any value depending on the situation. Its the only choice because you cant push harder, yknow?
dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Backingoff is a last resort, when you think you've lost that persons interest. Sometimes it works, but you've already admitted defeat at that point. Sitting around bieng available in a dating stage doesnt give you any value depending on the situation. Its the only choice because you cant push harder, yknow? LOL didn't you advice me to back off though? Dating is such a pain. I quit. Okay I changed my mind I don't quit. I'm just going to go on strike.
Author loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 I don't know that backing off is a last resort. Sometimes we all need time to think. If we've gotten ahead of ourselves and the relationship maybe backing off is just good commonsense for us to regroup. Saying it's a last ditch effort doesn't see right to me.
dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I'm more confused then ever about this whole thing to be honest. I can see not being too needy, but what if you just aren't showing enough interest. How do you know where to draw the line?
Author loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 For me, I'm working on finding a balance. I think I've tried too hard to explain myself in relationships. For me, it's because I always seem to be holding back on some element. And then I overwhelm myself. Pulling back, being less available, or "no contact" as some call it, can help us to see the other person and the situation for what it really is. And I think sometimes the answer can be that things are more positive than we realized. Basically, I think our own insecurities can cause us to think things are far worse than they are - and we then try and compensate. We forget that the other person has insecurities and needs, too. I don't know. It's all so confusing.
dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I can relate to you on all of that. I think I'm much better this time around, because I'm not overwhelming him with a lot of contact, just letting things come and go as they are. I don't see him constantly. Hell, we don't even talk on the phone. He probably talks sweeter to me. I've been holding back way more then I have in the past. But I'm confused because if it were me I'd get the feeling I'm not interested.
Author loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 I can relate to you on all of that. I think I'm much better this time around, because I'm not overwhelming him with a lot of contact, just letting things come and go as they are. I don't see him constantly. Hell, we don't even talk on the phone. He probably talks sweeter to me. I've been holding back way more then I have in the past. But I'm confused because if it were me I'd get the feeling I'm not interested. So you're worried that being less available in your situation is giving him the wrong idea? It's okay to tell him you're enjoying getting to know him.
Author loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 What I was talking about with this thread though is pulling back after feeling like you've been too available.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 LOL didn't you advice me to back off though? Dating is such a pain. I quit. Okay I changed my mind I don't quit. I'm just going to go on strike. I sure did, because in your case it seemed like he was seeing other girls, and you werent his first choice. In your case, I meant backing off as in you dont always have to answer when he calls. Let him wonder a bit. If he dissappears completely, then you know he wasnt interested enough. But I dont know everything that went on between you two, you have to feel it out.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 What I was talking about with this thread though is pulling back after feeling like you've been too available. Thats exactly when you pull back, wand there are degrees of pulling back, you dont have to disappear completely, maybe just a lean back depending on the situation. But it IS a game, and it sucks. But when you are dealing with a relationship that isnt going as smoothly as it should, you gotta do whatcha gotta do.
Author loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Thats exactly when you pull back, wand there are degrees of pulling back, you dont have to disappear completely, maybe just a lean back depending on the situation. But it IS a game, and it sucks. But when you are dealing with a relationship that isnt going as smoothly as it should, you gotta do whatcha gotta do. The more I think about it the more I think that pulling back can be a very good way of handling things when you feel the relationship is not going the way you'd like. At the very least it gives you a chance to get some distance and see things more objectively. It's very easy to get caught up in the rush of a new relationship and overly-invested when you don't even really know the other person all that well. I think if looked at correctly it can be very empowering.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I'm more confused then ever about this whole thing to be honest. I can see not being too needy, but what if you just aren't showing enough interest. How do you know where to draw the line? It is empowering. You can just pull back a smidge and feel it out. I pulled back last saturday from my ex. She dumped me and is tryin to keep me on a leash. "hey baby how are you?" I didnt answer her text at all. 2 hours later, I get "hello?". Half an hour later, I text her back, "sorry, i was busy, whats up?" She didnt text again until yesterday, "are you home?" 20 min later I text her "yeah". she then said "too late, i was outside but didnt hear from you so I left" Now shes full of it, she wasnt outside my house. My car was there, she could have rang the bell. But she wants me to beg her to come back. I didnt respond of course. This is a game going on here, but its my last resort. Its gonna drive her nuts that I seem like i dont care anymore and Im pulling back. She will try to use affectionate talk to try to turn it up a notch, when she sees how cold and vague i will be. It sux, but it has to be done.
dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 It just seems like a big freaking game though. Almost deceptive.
Author loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 It just seems like a big freaking game though. Almost deceptive. Maybe it's not a game in a bad way. Maybe it's just being deliberate in our actions. Maybe it's knowing what our actions bring us in return and deciding what you want and going for it.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 It just seems like a big freaking game though. Almost deceptive. But you;'re with a guy who isnt making any time for you. I dont know how long youve been "dating", but from what you said, something isnt working and you wanna push it along. You dont have to though. Thats why in some situations like mine, it is as deceptive and as manipulative as you make it out to be. it is a game, but when a relationship happens naturally, you dont ever have to wonder whats going on.
D-Lish Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 It's not about being deceptive or playing games, it's more about doing things for yourself and having a life outside of the other person. If I am dating someone and I get a vibe they are pulling away, I simply go off and do my own thing. I don't view that as playing a game. I look at it this way: If I need to keep in constant contact with them to remind them I am available, something is wrong. If they are busy or distracted, they can call me if and when they want to arrange a date. If they don't call, I am not going to go chasing after them. I view that as having respect for myself.
dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I'm not trying to make it out to be any way. I just rather be straight forward. Don't get me wrong either, I'm not complaining about the time I get with the guy I'm seeing. I'm just confused on how to go about things. I'm approaching him and I much different then I have with guys in the past.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 It's not about being deceptive or playing games, it's more about doing things for yourself and having a life outside of the other person. If I am dating someone and I get a vibe they are pulling away, I simply go off and do my own thing. I don't view that as playing a game. I look at it this way: If I need to keep in constant contact with them to remind them I am available, something is wrong. If they are busy or distracted, they can call me if and when they want to arrange a date. If they don't call, I am not going to go chasing after them. I view that as having respect for myself. Well put! You're absolutely right.
Author loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Well put! You're absolutely right. I think that's a really good way of putting it, too!
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I'm not trying to make it out to be any way. I just rather be straight forward. Don't get me wrong either, I'm not complaining about the time I get with the guy I'm seeing. I'm just confused on how to go about things. I'm approaching him and I much different then I have with guys in the past. Eh if youre satisfied with the time youre getting with him, then theres nuthin to think about now is there? You can let him take the reigns.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Ya know, I hear it said a lot here that when someone is coming on too strong or the other person is backing off, to be less available. To not return phone calls or text messages, etc. If someone really likes you but got distracted or freaked out does this really make people come after you? Or does it just make people think you've lost interest? I hear it suggested here a lot and I have mixed thoughts on the subject. Alot of people approach dating differently, some positively others negatively. If everyone is on the same page, then the dating would progress more linearly as opposed to when people let emotions and insecurities get in the way. I only wish there was a rule book or guideline that everyone can follow without there being so much confusion all the time. But that's thing about dating, not knowing creates more excitement.
dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Eh if youre satisfied with the time youre getting with him, then theres nuthin to think about now is there? You can let him take the reigns. Ha, I'm an over thinker. I think about stuff all the time, and not just about the guy I'm seeing. If something happens at work, with a friend, or anything, it's stuck in my mind. Like I always think about what could I have done differently or why this happened or that happened. It's just how my brain works.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I only wish there was a rule book or guideline that everyone can follow without there being so much confusion all the time. But that's thing about dating, not knowing creates more excitement. There are plenty of rulebooks, some better than others. Which since I read them and I usually do know, so for me not knowing is upsetting. Its not exciting in the least for me.
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