Another episode of most disasterous nights

[spookie]

I did it again. Let the crazy out and hooked up with someone probably inappropriate.

 

His name is Graham. He works at my company, though we're on different floors and we don't work together. Rylan and Ellya and I went drinking with him to celebrate the end of our exams.

 

We were at his apartment after the bars and something about him just held my attention. I'm not looking for a relationship, I thought, so I might as well try to get what I want.

 

I wrote him a note. "Graham, I don't normally do this, but do you want to go cuddle?"

 

He did.

 

Rylan flipped out when he figured out what was going on. It was like an episode of Jerry Springer. He was screaming and punching things, very angry.

 

But after I'd calmed him down, I still hooked up with Graham.

 

We didn't have sex, but we did other stuff. It was amazing. I felt a connection. It wasn't the alcohol or the marijuana. I liked him.

 

But, as always. There came that point where I started feeling used and like I was drowning in abandonment, and I began to cry.

 

I've cried in the middle of every hookup I've had since Wesley. Rationally I know I do 100% of the initation in this circumstances, and most of the using, but still. Something about all sexual experiences makes me feel uncomfortably out of control.

 

Anyway, he was cool about it all. He held me tight. He brought me water, and said that I didn't have to tell him anything, but if I wanted to he'd listen.

 

But we didn't hook up after that.

 

In he let me sleep in, and then we went and got coffee. We took a walk around his neighborhood, and then he drove me to the train station.

 

We got there late. I missed my train. So it was back to his place, where we smoked some pot with his friend until he drove me back to the station again.

 

His friend was with us when he was dropping me off, which I'm hoping is why he didn't kiss me. Or try to get my number or anything.

 

But, I think I actually would like to date this guy. I'd approached it as a one-night stand, but now I'd like to change my mind.

 

Is that not going to happen? Should I wait and see?

 

Should I call him?

[spookie]

Someone?

 

This is why girls shouldn't pursue guys. It's so stressful to wonder what they're thinking about us, after we're started giving a fcvk.

 

If he would like to see me again, is he going to let me know that on Monday?

[loveslife]

Wait and see what happens on Monday at work.

 

It's been a long time since I've been in your position (hook up with a guy I wasn't dating) so I have no clue what to tell you to do. But I'm sure someone else here will have a few cents worth of advice. Give it a little time for people to chime in.

[xpaperxcutx]

Spookie, I think you really need to reevaluate what you want, a relationship or a hookup. All these guys from work are cheesebags that you use and throw away. You should have a higher view of yourself instead of placing yourself in such a situation to just hookup. I think you can do better, but you continuously go for these guys, you'll just end up hurting yourself.

[boogieboy]

If you are still thinking of Wesley, you shouldnt be dating anyone. Maybe wait till the new guy calls and see if hes interested, if hes not, then wait to date until you get wesley out of your head. Cant keep banging guys when its too uncomfortable for you. How long you gonna keep doing this until you can stop crying?

[spookie]

Spookie, I think you really need to reevaluate what you want, a relationship or a hookup. All these guys from work are cheesebags that you use and throw away. You should have a higher view of yourself instead of placing yourself in such a situation to just hookup. I think you can do better, but you continuously go for these guys, you'll just end up hurting yourself.

 

I want Jack.

 

However, it's not going to happen with him. So what am I supposed to do?

 

It's not like I'm getting used by anyone. Most of these cheesebags do want to date me. It's just this one I'm don't know about. However, for some reason I think he might be the one that I want.

[spookie]

If you are still thinking of Wesley, you shouldnt be dating anyone. Maybe wait till the new guy calls and see if hes interested, if hes not, then wait to date until you get wesley out of your head. Cant keep banging guys when its too uncomfortable for you. How long you gonna keep doing this until you can stop crying?

 

 

Wesley and I broke up more than 2 years ago. I'm not still thinking about him.

 

I don't know why I cry, why everything starts seeming fake to me after a point.

[xpaperxcutx]

I want Jack.

 

However, it's not going to happen with him. So what am I supposed to do?

 

It's not like I'm getting used by anyone. Most of these cheesebags do want to date me. It's just this one I'm don't know about. However, for some reason I think he might be the one that I want.

 

 

You want Jack. You're only using this new guy as a substitute for what you're not getting from Jack.

 

I'm pretty sure most of the guys at work would want to date you, but you're not making it easy for them to respect you and ask you out. Instead you jump them because you're alone.

 

I'm not criticizing you or anything, since I'm in a similar position. But I think you need to ask yourself what is it that you actually want instead of sleeping with guys that seem like they're okay with hookups. Every guy is okay with hookups, but by your crying reactions afterwards, you know you're not.

[dreamergrl]

Wesley and I broke up more than 2 years ago. I'm not still thinking about him.

 

I don't know why I cry, why everything starts seeming fake to me after a point.

 

I used to do this often. And it wasn't even because of an old flame, it was just because of several events that took place in my life that I didn't know how to accept and put away. Eventually I started to see this, and I started forgiving myself. It was and still is a process, but I'm twenty times better then I was. I'm sure whatever is eating at you, you'll gain control over.

[spookie]

I used to do this often. And it wasn't even because of an old flame, it was just because of several events that took place in my life that I didn't know how to accept and put away. Eventually I started to see this, and I started forgiving myself. It was and still is a process, but I'm twenty times better then I was. I'm sure whatever is eating at you, you'll gain control over.

 

Yah. In all honesty I'm pretty sure I know exactly where it's coming from. I don't view it as that much of a problem, but I'm wondering if it really freaks out the guys.

[spookie]

You want Jack. You're only using this new guy as a substitute for what you're not getting from Jack.

 

I'm pretty sure most of the guys at work would want to date you, but you're not making it easy for them to respect you and ask you out. Instead you jump them because you're alone.

 

I'm not criticizing you or anything, since I'm in a similar position. But I think you need to ask yourself what is it that you actually want instead of sleeping with guys that seem like they're okay with hookups. Every guy is okay with hookups, but by your crying reactions afterwards, you know you're not.

 

I guess I didn't realize I was open to a relationship with not-Jack until I hooked up with Graham last night.

[Cherished]

How can you judge him as a "cheesebag?" You don't even know him.

 

 

Spookie, I think you really need to reevaluate what you want, a relationship or a hookup. All these guys from work are cheesebags that you use and throw away. You should have a higher view of yourself instead of placing yourself in such a situation to just hookup. I think you can do better, but you continuously go for these guys, you'll just end up hurting yourself.

[Stockalone]

His name is Graham. He works at my company, though we're on different floors and we don't work together. Rylan and Ellya and I went drinking with him to celebrate the end of our exams.

 

We were at his apartment after the bars and something about him just held my attention. I'm not looking for a relationship, I thought, so I might as well try to get what I want.

 

I wrote him a note. "Graham, I don't normally do this, but do you want to go cuddle?"

 

He did.

 

I think that making female friends who you don't work with might be very good for you. Have you tried an activity (something you honestly enjoy) that doesn't involve booze or drugs to make new friends?

 

 

Rylan flipped out when he figured out what was going on. It was like an episode of Jerry Springer. He was screaming and punching things, very angry.

 

But after I'd calmed him down, I still hooked up with Graham.

 

I am surprised Rylan (he is the divorced neighbour, right?) is still around after the Harry Potter fling. Obviously, this guy has issues and it looks like it's getting worse with every guy you hook up with. Why are you still hanging out with him? Nothing good can come from this "friendship". It can only get worse.

 

 

We didn't have sex, but we did other stuff. It was amazing. I felt a connection. It wasn't the alcohol or the marijuana. I liked him.

 

But, as always. There came that point where I started feeling used and like I was drowning in abandonment, and I began to cry.

 

I've cried in the middle of every hookup I've had since Wesley. Rationally I know I do 100% of the initation in this circumstances, and most of the using, but still. Something about all sexual experiences makes me feel uncomfortably out of control.

 

Have you told your therapist about this?

 

I don't think you want to be this self-destructive but that you lack the motivation to stop yourself without an outside incentive.

 

Why change if you don't believe things will be better after you get your sh*t together?

 

Is it possible that you are looking for someone that makes you believe that if you stop going down this self-destructive path, things will be okay eventually and your hard work will be worth it?

 

Someone who will be there for you while you get your sh*t together, who will not only wait at the finish line but actually help you get there, cheer you on, and take those last few steps with you?

 

 

Anyway, he was cool about it all. He held me tight. He brought me water, and said that I didn't have to tell him anything, but if I wanted to he'd listen.

 

Well, at least it sounds like he is a decent guy.

 

 

His friend was with us when he was dropping me off, which I'm hoping is why he didn't kiss me. Or try to get my number or anything.

 

But, I think I actually would like to date this guy. I'd approached it as a one-night stand, but now I'd like to change my mind.

 

Is that not going to happen? Should I wait and see?

 

Should I call him?

 

Why not, maybe that is what helps you to become less obsessed with your boss and he might be a good guy.

 

However, is he aware of Rylan's outburst? And that you started to cry in the middle of fooling around might make him think twice about dating you.

 

I don't want to be mean, but you don't exactly come without any drama.

[dreamergrl]

Yah. In all honesty I'm pretty sure I know exactly where it's coming from. I don't view it as that much of a problem, but I'm wondering if it really freaks out the guys.

 

Well with the guys I was around, yeah it freaked them out. Guys don't always know how to handle us when we get emotional. Some do, and it's awesome when they do. But not all are wired to do this.

[spookie]

I think that making female friends who you don't work with might be very good for you. Have you tried an activity (something you honestly enjoy) that doesn't involve booze or drugs to make new friends?

 

 

 

 

I am surprised Rylan (he is the divorced neighbour, right?) is still around after the Harry Potter fling. Obviously, this guy has issues and it looks like it's getting worse with every guy you hook up with. Why are you still hanging out with him? Nothing good can come from this "friendship". It can only get even uglier.

 

 

 

 

Have you told your therapist about this?

 

I don't think you want to be this self-destructive but that you lack the motivation to stop yourself without an outside incentive.

 

Why change if you don't believe things will be better after you get your sh*t together?

 

Is it possible that you are looking for someone that makes you believe that if you stop going down this self-destructive path, things will be okay eventually and your hard work will be worth it?

 

Someone who will be there for you while you get your sh*t together, who will not only wait at the finish line but actually help you get there, cheer you on, and take those last few steps with you?

 

 

 

 

Well, at least it sounds like he is a decent guy.

 

 

 

 

Why not, maybe that is what helps you to become less obsessed with your boss and he might be a good guy.

 

However, is he aware of Rylan's outburst? And that you started to cry in the middle of fooling around might make him think twice about dating you.

 

I don't want to be mean, but you don't exactly come without any drama.

 

 

Yes. I am looking for exactly what you described. However, there aren't that many guys willing to be the knight in shining armor type for fcvked up girls like me. I've long ago learned that I'm going to need to be the one who saves myself.

 

My fantasy of Jack is exactly what you describe. Someone stable, who sees the good in me and encourages me better myself, instead of leaning toward my insane side.

 

I don't think I did anything terribly crazy last by making out with that guy last night, though. It could have gone further, it coudl ahve been worse. He is nice. I think he's a good guy.

 

He did hear Rylan's outburst. Actually he was a little reluctant to get in bed with me after it, but I convinced him there was nothing to worry about.

 

You're right that I need to cut Rylan out, that nothing good can come of that relationship. It's just really hard. We have a really co-dependent thing going.

 

I know I come with baggage. I just wish I didn't have to wait till Monday to find out whether that puts him off.

[spookie]

Ugh. With no more exam to study for this is going to be a long weekend.

 

Why didn't he make any attempt to kiss me this morning? We cuddled all night but this morning, though he was friendly, he was not physically affectionate.

 

Should I read that as a sign that he's not interested?

[Stockalone]

Yes. I am looking for exactly what you described. However, there aren't that many guys willing to be the knight in shining armor type for fcvked up girls like me.

 

Maybe not as a bf, but as a friend. Plenty of nice guys think that the knight in shining armor is a worthwhile occupation.

 

Then again, if you don't consider the guy to be bf material, he probably can't trigger the needed response in you that would make you want to turn away from your insane side. But it could still be worth a try.

 

 

I've long ago learned that I'm going to need to be the one who saves myself.

 

That is good. But having some help never hurts.

 

 

My fantasy of Jack is exactly what you describe. Someone stable, who sees the good in me and encourages me better myself, instead of leaning toward my insane side.

 

I understand. A fantasy that gives us hope is very powerful.

 

 

I don't think I did anything terribly crazy last by making out with that guy last night, though. It could have gone further, it coudl ahve been worse. He is nice. I think he's a good guy.

 

He did hear Rylan's outburst. Actually he was a little reluctant to get in bed with me after it, but I convinced him there was nothing to worry about.

 

I didn't mean the making out part was bad or crazy, but I was wondering what impression the whole commotion with Rylan and your eventual crying for no apparent reason have given Graham. From what you have written, he hardly knows you.

 

I would consider the whole thing to be rather unusual and would think about it for a while before making the next move if I were him. But you have to keep in mind that I don't understand the whole concept of casual sex, maybe I read far too much into the situation because of that.

 

 

You're right that I need to cut Rylan out, that nothing good can come of that relationship. It's just really hard. We have a really co-dependent thing going.

 

What kind of co-dependency? Because he is among the few people you hang out with?

 

 

I know I come with baggage. I just wish I didn't have to wait till Monday to find out whether that puts him off.

 

If it puts him off, he wouldn't be right for you anyway. There is more than just Rylan and the crying, and if that already scares him or he sees it as too much work, he will never be able to handle the rest.

 

 

Why didn't he make any attempt to kiss me this morning? We cuddled all night but this morning, though he was friendly, he was not physically affectionate.

 

Should I read that as a sign that he's not interested?

 

I don't know, he might not know what to think right now. I am afraid you'll have to wait and see. I'd wait if he contacts you in the next couple of days (if you work in the same building it shouldn't be too hard to get in touch).

 

If he doesn't contact you, you could make one last attempt to talk to him in a few days to gauge his interest level.

 

Oh, and maybe reading xpaperxcutx threads about her artist guy might be helpful. She is also wondering about his interest level and no public displays of affection

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

You are having a similar reaction that prostitutes have when they have sex.

 

Whenever they are with a partner the sex part becomes very difficult because they associate it with abuse.

 

Well, at least the guy was nice to you and supportive. Be gentle to yourself and care for your body like it's sacred.

 

You can try and getting fit, that usually works for you, you said that there was no greater high than feeling skinny.

 

Take care, and hope you are having a nice day today.

[Jaytb]

Someone?

 

This is why girls shouldn't pursue guys. It's so stressful to wonder what they're thinking about us, after we're started giving a fcvk.

 

If he would like to see me again, is he going to let me know that on Monday?

 

Then don't. That should be pretty simple, lol.

[Sam Spade]

Wow, what a hot mess you are .

I'd strongly recommend you pull yourself together. Until then it will be *very* tempting for guys to f** you and chuck you, or not take you seriously, nice or not. More to the point, you'll need to ditch your insane side altogether. No sane guy would want to bear the responsibility of keeping it in check for you .

[spookie]

Wow, what a hot mess you are .

I'd strongly recommend you pull yourself together. Until then it will be *very* tempting for guys to f** you and chuck you, or not take you seriously, nice or not. More to the point, you'll need to ditch your insane side altogether. No sane guy would want to bear the responsibility of keeping it in check for you .

 

Heh.

 

For what it's worth, I haven't had actual sex with any of these guys. If I make out with someone new every couple of months, at 23 I don't think that's that bad.

 

It's the way I do it that makes it inappropriate. Instead of going on dates like a normal person, I turn these encounters into crazy adventures that leave everyone breathless and me totally drained of energy, ready to go climb back into my shell for another couple of months. Plus, you know - there's always friendships ruined, or people's lives turned, or something.

 

Anyway, some guys actually like that. The wrong ones? I think so but who knows? Maybe I'm not the settling kind. I LIKE these games I play. Maybe at heart I am just a player? I like to dramatize about my vulnerable sides to claim it IS love I'm looking for, but at my core I'm not even sure I believe in love in he first place. Nothing wrong with that. I'm not cut out to be a housewife anyway.

[alphamale]

Heh.

 

For what it's worth, I haven't had actual sex with any of these guys. If I make out with someone new every couple of months, at 23 I don't think that's that bad.

 

It's the way I do it that makes it inappropriate. Instead of going on dates like a normal person, I turn these encounters into crazy adventures that leave everyone breathless and me totally drained of energy, ready to go climb back into my shell for another couple of months. Plus, you know - there's always friendships ruined, or people's lives turned, or something.

 

Anyway, some guys actually like that. The wrong ones? I think so but who knows? Maybe I'm not the settling kind. I LIKE these games I play. Maybe at heart I am just a player? I like to dramatize about my vulnerable sides to claim it IS love I'm looking for, but at my core I'm not even sure I believe in love in he first place. Nothing wrong with that. I'm not cut out to be a housewife anyway.

people in their 20's generally treat others with contempt and disrespect

[Lucky_One]

Heh.

 

For what it's worth, I haven't had actual sex with any of these guys. If I make out with someone new every couple of months, at 23 I don't think that's that bad.

 

It's the way I do it that makes it inappropriate. Instead of going on dates like a normal person, I turn these encounters into crazy adventures that leave everyone breathless and me totally drained of energy, ready to go climb back into my shell for another couple of months. Plus, you know - there's always friendships ruined, or people's lives turned, or something.

 

Anyway, some guys actually like that. The wrong ones? I think so but who knows? Maybe I'm not the settling kind. I LIKE these games I play. Maybe at heart I am just a player? I like to dramatize about my vulnerable sides to claim it IS love I'm looking for, but at my core I'm not even sure I believe in love in he first place. Nothing wrong with that. I'm not cut out to be a housewife anyway.

 

So why exactly did you get so upset when I said that you seemed more than a bit imcompatible with how you have portrayed Jack here? He seems whole wheat bread and picket fence - and you seem pot and non-housewifeish and dramatic.

 

You like the way you are - and that's great. But maybe now you are coming to realize that opposites may attract, but they don't make for stable long-term relationships, and your yen for Jack may begin to fade.

[Sam Spade]

Heh.

 

For what it's worth, I haven't had actual sex with any of these guys. If I make out with someone new every couple of months, at 23 I don't think that's that bad.

 

It's the way I do it that makes it inappropriate. Instead of going on dates like a normal person, I turn these encounters into crazy adventures that leave everyone breathless and me totally drained of energy, ready to go climb back into my shell for another couple of months. Plus, you know - there's always friendships ruined, or people's lives turned, or something.

 

Anyway, some guys actually like that. The wrong ones? I think so but who knows? Maybe I'm not the settling kind. I LIKE these games I play. Maybe at heart I am just a player? I like to dramatize about my vulnerable sides to claim it IS love I'm looking for, but at my core I'm not even sure I believe in love in he first place. Nothing wrong with that. I'm not cut out to be a housewife anyway.

 

 

Fair enough (for now). I'd still recommend you rethink that policy sometime before turning 30 , thank me later . You remind me of my ex a bit. She's 32, still addicted to the drama, still finding new ways to introduce chaos in her life .

[JeezLouise]

Wow, what a hot mess you are .

I'd strongly recommend you pull yourself together. Until then it will be *very* tempting for guys to f** you and chuck you, or not take you seriously, nice or not. More to the point, you'll need to ditch your insane side altogether. No sane guy would want to bear the responsibility of keeping it in check for you .

 

Is this really a good idea to keep acting like this with guys from work? Aren't you worried about your workplace reputation? If you think that people aren't going to talk about all the pot, all the drinking, and all the random hook-ups, you are wrong.