SilverLining Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 I haven't posted here in awhile. I'm 28, I was dating a guy for 5 and a half years. We got engaged and a month after he dumps me. The relationship was on and off, he was involved in an emotional affair with a coworker that probably would have become physical if it wasn't already. I tried going NC a few times, each time for about a month. But we always ended up talking together and then sleeping together. Last Wed, after almost a year of this, I finally told him that I needed to know if he still had feelings for me and if there was any chance that we might work things out. He pretty much said that there was no chance, he had no feelings for me whatsoever, but wanted to have 'mindblowing sex until you get a boyfriend'. I thanked him for his honesty and told him that it wasn't enough for me and haven't talked to him since. He's sent me a couple texts - one to tell me that it wasn't all his fault and I wanted it too, and one to tell me he was in my home state (I moved here to be with him). I deleted the texts each time and did not respond. I'm sure he's just starting conversation in the hope that it leads to sex. This is my problem - I've been dating guys here and there. I'm currently dating two, I have several guys who would like to date me. I'm pretty, I'm very sweet, and I've tried to move on so many times. But I'm always disappointed. If I like the guy, which rarely happens, when it moves into more intimate encounters (excluding sex - haven't done that yet) it never feels 'right'. For example, I might like the guy a lot but when we get into an intimate situation I might find that his arms don't feel as good when he holds me. I then start thinking about my ex and how incredible it felt to be held by him. The guy goes home and all I can think about is how much I want to be held by my ex again. I feel depressed because I'm not satisfied with this new person and I wonder if I will ever be satisfied again. The ex sends me a message or I message him, we end up having sex. With my ex, everything felt so completely 'right', from the very beginning. I never felt anything like it in my longterm relationships before or in my dating life since. Has anyone else had an experience like this and bounced back from it? I don't think that it's because I'm still missing my ex, because honestly when I do not talk to him for awhile I'm ok. It's just when I start dating and comparing, then sleep with him that the waters get murky for me. I just ended a date with a guy that I really liked before the intimacy but not so much afterward...will things ever seem right to me again?
boogieboy Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Sweetie, I usually say to try new people to forget about the ex, but that never works for women. You have been dwelling on all your old feelings for the ex and the new guys dont have a chance. Thank you for opening my eyes btw, if a women is uncomfortable with me when I lay down with her, I know she is still thinking of the ex. By the way, when you think of the ex while youre with a new guy, its because you're letting your thoughts run you. It takes practice to stop this. You need to quit dating entirely and use the time to keep yourself busy and work on getting rid of the feelings of your ex. It takes alot of mental work. Resist temptatioon from the new guys, maybe keep their numbers for when youre ready. (not in your phone btw, in a safe place) You have to get rid of every single thought of your ex that is lingering. Theres nothing specific or any easy way to accomplish this, it just takes time. Its going to ruin every relationship you try to have if you dont take a break. Whatever you have to do to make that happen, do it. It will never work out with this guy, you let him use you. He isnt as into you as you are into him, let him go. Never speak to him again. When you talk about how a new guys arms dont feel as good as your ex's, thats infatuation and addiction talking. You have to get to a point where you can say "I havent thought about (the ex) forlike a month, he was a really a shytty guy, I'm really not in love with him anymore" Then you can start dating. Ya feel me?
Author SilverLining Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 That makes a lot of sense. The thing is that I have been single for almost a year now. I haven't slept with anyone else, I barely fool around with anyone, I date only a little bit and then I'm never happy...I had this thought that maybe I was keeping myself celibate and single-ish for my ex...just in case. I'm worried that if I continue doing this it's only going to reinforce that my focus is on him. I've been thinking about this, and I think that I need to keep dating. Even if I am disappointed in a lot of guys, I'm learning that there are a lot of nice ones out there. Now I'm thinking that perhaps my real issue is that I'm expecting/hoping for fireworks when really I ought to just enjoy the moment and have fun. Perhaps I need to keep my dating very light and casual. I keep thinking about the guys in terms of longterm dating because that's really most of my experience, but maybe I just need to think of guys in terms of 'right here, right now'. Maybe if I don't put that pressure on myself I will be able to just have fun without the comparison. What do you think?
nature Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 How long ago did you get engaged, and then your ex officially break it off with you? 5 yrs is a long time to be with someone. You won't get over him overnight. Don't beat yourself up. It takes time and hard work to get over someone you loved and thought you were going to spend your life with. I was with someone over 3 years. We split up a year ago this weekend. I'm still not completely over him, as crazy as that sounds. But we had our whole life planned out. We were engaged to be married. Then he got cold feet and started running around partying like a 19 yr old. He kept contacting me after. Stopping by. Sending me emails. Trying to keep me in his life. At first, I was like you, except I did not sleep with him. But I was nice to him and responded. It wasn't until I felt strong enough this past Xmas (7 months after we split up) that I went NC cold turkey. I ignored his last emails. I'd had it. And it wasn't until I made the decision to go NC completely and get over him, that I really started to heal. I ran into him 3 wks ago. And he acted all sad, said to me, "the last email I sent you was on Dec 20th and I didn't hear back and haven't heard from you"....started telling me how he's so stuipd and why is he such a difficult person, blah blah blah....trying to give me these sad sorrowful looks. I just put on a big smile, as much as it hurt, and blew off the stuff he was saying. I just acted like I act with anyone I meet. Of course i went home and all the feelings for him were still there....and anger at him for having ruined the life we should have had together...he tried calling me after I ran into him, but i ignored the phone and am continuing to heal. So please, realize it takes time. And you can't heal when you are still in contact. It keeps the feelings right at the surface for you. And that's what your ex wants. Just as mine did. They don't want you to get over them. Because it's a nice security blanket for him to have you out there pining for him and available to him. Please don't be that to him. You deserve so much better. If you run into him, be polite. But don't play into the game. You know deep inside you deserve so much better. We all do. Anyone who tried to treat anyone like this, doesn't deserve the attention. It's not kind. It's not respectful. It's nothing. Nothing but an ego boost. It's pretty low, shoddy behaviour, actually. Hugs to you.
Author SilverLining Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Thank you Nature. You really made me feel soo much better! I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this too. As to how long ago it was...3 months after the 5 year mark we started looking for engagement rings, it took a few months but we found an amazing one and he proposed. This whole scenario took about 5 months. Then a month later he said that he didn't want to date anymore and I was shocked. I went NC right away, then we started talking again and started going on 'dates' once a week where we'd go out and have an amazing time and then come back and be intimate. I thought we were going to get back together. Then in November the day before Thanksgiving I found out that he was actively dating other girls and I told him, either them or me. He chose me, but then two days later changed his mind. I went NC again for a month and then it was broken again. It's been a pattern like this for awhile, then last month we started sleeping together once a week and I just put an end to that this past week. It will be a year broken up in july. I have spent waaay too much time with him on my mind. No more!
boogieboy Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Now I'm thinking that perhaps my real issue is that I'm expecting/hoping for fireworks when really I ought to just enjoy the moment and have fun. Perhaps I need to keep my dating very light and casual. I keep thinking about the guys in terms of longterm dating because that's really most of my experience, but maybe I just need to think of guys in terms of 'right here, right now'. Maybe if I don't put that pressure on myself I will be able to just have fun without the comparison. What do you think? You have to REALLY want to admit that you want it to be over and you never want to see the ex again. Until you do that, you'll be stuck where you are now. Dating wont be healthy to do if you still have hope for fireworks with your ex. And its not fair to the nice guys out there when they might want to get serious with you when youre just looking for "right now" guys, even if you tell them up front. They will probably get attatched, because you wont tell them that you're not over your ex yet. Even if you went 1 year celebate, you still had hopes for your ex on your mind, which was a year wasted. I doubt you will be able to stop the comparisons right now. You really shouldnt even casually date anyone until you get the ex completely out of your head. The new guys might make you feel desired, you might be addicted to that feeling now, but that obviously isnt going to help you get the ex thoughts out of your mind. You will probably just extend the problem if you keep comparing, you know what I mean? ANyone who disappoints you will just bring you back to the problem. You need to make a clean slate, and anytime your uncomfortable with someone, you dont have that clean slate yet. you really need to take the break for your own mind.
nolanola Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 I totally understand what you mean when you ask if anything will ever be right again. I haven't seriously dated anyone other than my ex since we broke up a year ago. I went out with one guy for a while and loved talking to him, but when he kissed me it just felt awkward. With my ex, there was incredible chemistry and I never felt that way. Nature, I loved your post. I am going to cut and paste it somewhere to read when I feel that pull of wanting to talk to him. He sends me one dumb text, I answer, and just like that he knows that I'm still around and available to him. Here's hoping we can all do better for ourselves!
cabarc1 Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 yeah ur never going to be happy with anyone else until u've healed. U said u've been single for a year but that doesn't mean u've been emotionally available because u were so concentrated on possibly having a chance with ur ex again. I was the same way. I have plenty of guys waiting their turn with me but no guy has made me feel as a good as my ex did but the past year we have been in some kind of contact, it wasn't till 3 weeks ago tomorrow that we let each other go because i was tired of crying. If we are meant to be, then it will happen, we know to go our seperate ways and heal/grow before we can start again. We were also together 5 years, 2 of those engaged. U need to learn to be happy ALONE before moving on to someone new. The intimacy usually doesn't feel right with someone else until u feel safe with them. My ex and i have been broken up for a year but it wasn't till recently that we finally said our goodbyes, so this whole past year was pretty much wasted when it came to healing. I'm just now starting, and i know i have a long road ahead of me, i'm sure atleast a year or two. Just work on you for now and i promise, it will get better!
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