velq Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Hey LoveShack community. I've got a bit of a question to ask and I'd love to hear some opinions on it. I've been with a girl now for about 6 months. We are both 18, and have been having a great time for most of it. We broke up for month because she thought she couldn't live up to my love for her, and she was falling for another guy. About a month later, after failing at a tryst she kind of left me for, she wanted to get back together. I ended up deciding to get back with her and we have been pretty happy since. The problem I still feel is that she has told me that she loves me, but is not in love with me. She says that she is guarded and she can't really control it; she knows how much she has felt before and has not been able to get back to that. Also, she says she hates it that she really only falls for the jerks and the nice guys are more of a loving of the idea. My question is, will she ever truly love me, or will she leave me for the next "jerk" who tugs at her heart? Thanks for your time, Velq
Bejita463 Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 So what exactly are you to this girl? Cause it kinda seems to me like she is keeping you around as something to hang onto in between her "adventures."
carhill Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Two suggestions: 1. You're 18. Play the field. Nothing serious. Gain relationship experience. 2. When a girl/woman says negative words, like she loves you but doesn't know if she's in love with you, believe her. If she's unsure, she's not for you, relationship-wise, unless your feelings are similar and it's just a casual relationship or friendship. Define your boundaries. Experience will help you with that.
Author velq Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 I am her boyfriend. She tells me that she is committed to me.
Author velq Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Two suggestions: 1. You're 18. Play the field. Nothing serious. Gain relationship experience. 2. When a girl/woman says negative words, like she loves you but doesn't know if she's in love with you, believe her. If she's unsure, she's not for you, relationship-wise, unless your feelings are similar and it's just a casual relationship or friendship. Define your boundaries. Experience will help you with that. Excellent point. Thanks for the reply.
carhill Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 That's this week's story. BTW, this is normal behavior for 18 year olds. Don't hold it against her. Learn from her.
Author velq Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 That's this week's story. BTW, this is normal behavior for 18 year olds. Don't hold it against her. Learn from her. That is what I was kind of thinking. Girls at this age really don't want to be tied down at all. The thought in the back of my mind always is, "as soon as we get to college (we are going to the same one) she is going to feel even worse and she's probably going to leave me".
carhill Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 I think that is a healthy perspective, coupled with "and it's a good thing we are both learning and growing as people". If you and she share a true connection, it will be there in your future, regardless of intervening events. This I know from experience. As most old farts say (I am one so I will), you're only young once.
Author velq Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 I think that is a healthy perspective, coupled with "and it's a good thing we are both learning and growing as people". If you and she share a true connection, it will be there in your future, regardless of intervening events. This I know from experience. As most old farts say (I am one so I will), you're only young once. Ah, I definitely agree. I'm glad I got this experience, seeing as no one can really teach this to you. Following up on this, what should I do about the whole situation? Leave her? Change the relationship? Any thoughts?
carhill Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Well, this is pretty easy, with 50 years and a marriage under my belt... As you're typing this, do you feel her? When you see a couple embrace on the street, does she come to your mind? Do you remember her smell? If yes, that's a little of what the "in love" part is about. It doesn't have to do with sex at all. You can feel that way without ever having sex. If she's not on the same page, assuming you can talk with each other candidly, it's an unbalanced situation. By what I'm reading, I'm thinking she doesn't feel the same way, but I could be wrong. The risk in being the stable go-to guy is that you will end up with the crumbs while someone else gets the cake and icing and all those cool sprinkles. Trust me, it's not a healthy place to be. You want to feel loved and valued just like she does. You deserve that. If it's not in her heart to give you that gift, then it's just not. Lots of MC allows me to say this to you while I'm in the midst of settling a divorce after 9 years of marriage. When you meet the right woman for you, the relationship won't be hard work, but I'd still recommend PMC before you get married (of course this is long into your future). It will help you immensely, and issues like you're discussing here will become so clear you'll wonder why you hadn't seen them that way before. Hey, enjoy the summer. I know what I did after I graduated, way back in the 70's; work and party
Author velq Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Well, this is pretty easy, with 50 years and a marriage under my belt... As you're typing this, do you feel her? When you see a couple embrace on the street, does she come to your mind? Do you remember her smell? If yes, that's a little of what the "in love" part is about. It doesn't have to do with sex at all. You can feel that way without ever having sex. If she's not on the same page, assuming you can talk with each other candidly, it's an unbalanced situation. By what I'm reading, I'm thinking she doesn't feel the same way, but I could be wrong. The risk in being the stable go-to guy is that you will end up with the crumbs while someone else gets the cake and icing and all those cool sprinkles. Trust me, it's not a healthy place to be. You want to feel loved and valued just like she does. You deserve that. If it's not in her heart to give you that gift, then it's just not. Lots of MC allows me to say this to you while I'm in the midst of settling a divorce after 9 years of marriage. When you meet the right woman for you, the relationship won't be hard work, but I'd still recommend PMC before you get married (of course this is long into your future). It will help you immensely, and issues like you're discussing here will become so clear you'll wonder why you hadn't seen them that way before. Hey, enjoy the summer. I know what I did after I graduated, way back in the 70's; work and party I definitely know where I am, and I am all those things you described. Also, she cares for me deeply as well. I just feel that she doesn't have that spark that makes he wrapped up in a guy, that makes her feel what's she's felt before. That is, ultimately, what I am worried about.
carhill Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Tip: You'll never "know" for sure how she feels. You can only go by her actions and words and watch if/how they match. IMO, a woman who cares that "deeply" would not be ambivalent. The emotions those examples are indicative of are the "spark". Another thing, and not necessarily applicable to her..... beware of women who "think" relationships. In other words, say and do things because they think it is the correct and loving thing to do. The actions and words come from intellect, not emotion. I married one of those. My error. Don't be me
Author velq Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Tip: You'll never "know" for sure how she feels. You can only go by her actions and words and watch if/how they match. IMO, a woman who cares that "deeply" would not be ambivalent. The emotions those examples are indicative of are the "spark". Another thing, and not necessarily applicable to her..... beware of women who "think" relationships. In other words, say and do things because they think it is the correct and loving thing to do. The actions and words come from intellect, not emotion. I married one of those. My error. Don't be me Thanks, that makes me feel a whole lot better about it; and good point on the addendum.
Mahatma Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Well, Carhill has basically addressed everything here, but I will give another opinion and say that this is pretty normal for your age. It is normal for her to bounce around like this, and eventually she will realize what she really wants. Until then, you should not allow yourself to be tugged around like her pet.
Author velq Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Well, Carhill has basically addressed everything here, but I will give another opinion and say that this is pretty normal for your age. It is normal for her to bounce around like this, and eventually she will realize what she really wants. Until then, you should not allow yourself to be tugged around like her pet. Yeah. That's something I'm working on (keeping my independent self and being able to rely on it).
missdependant Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Sounds to me like you are her back-burner. I second Carhill's advice. See what else is out there. Don't let her fool with your emotions.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Hey LoveShack community. I've got a bit of a question to ask and I'd love to hear some opinions on it. I've been with a girl now for about 6 months. We are both 18, and have been having a great time for most of it. We broke up for month because she thought she couldn't live up to my love for her, and she was falling for another guy. About a month later, after failing at a tryst she kind of left me for, she wanted to get back together. I ended up deciding to get back with her and we have been pretty happy since. The problem I still feel is that she has told me that she loves me, but is not in love with me. then why the hell did she come crawling back?? Yup, she ditched a great guy for, no doubt, an alphamale type jerk...then comes back to you until she finds another "bad boy", or whatever it is she is looking for. I'd have said, "what is that? Mr. Awesome doesn't want you, and now you want me back?.....sorry...not interested." She says that she is guarded and she can't really control it; she knows how much she has felt before and has not been able to get back to that. Also, she says she hates it that she really only falls for the jerks and the nice guys are more of a loving of the idea. My question is, will she ever truly love me, or will she leave me for the next "jerk" who tugs at her heart? she'll be looking to "better deal" you, I have no doubt about that. She wants a "bad boy" and only came back to you for stability.
Author velq Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 then why the hell did she come crawling back?? Yup, she ditched a great guy for, no doubt, an alphamale type jerk...then comes back to you until she finds another "bad boy", or whatever it is she is looking for. I'd have said, "what is that? Mr. Awesome doesn't want you, and now you want me back?.....sorry...not interested." she'll be looking to "better deal" you, I have no doubt about that. She wants a "bad boy" and only came back to you for stability. Good point.
boogieboy Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 She was never in love with you. In love for a woman just happens, and she told you straight up that she doesnt feel it for you. She never will, it just wont happen and she cant force it. She knows the solid relationship iswith you, but thats not what she wants right now. The bad boy qualities are simply this: They act like they dont need her at all times. She will keep falling for that for years. Dont be her default lover. You are just addicted to her right now, you can break the addiction by never talking to her again. Dont let her put you on a leash, dont let her string you along, cut her off completely. Cutting her off will drive her nuts, she will try to sweet talk you to get you back, dont give into it. Because if you get back with her again nothing will change. Make it official, tell her you two are never to speak again, dont even explain yourself. Go find a girl that will appreciate you. Youre 18, you shouldnt be tied down anyways.
bac Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 You have a GF who cheated on you, then you took her back. Your GF does not even understand the basic things about love. How do you expect her truly love you in a conventional sense? By the way, if a female tells you that she loves you, it does not really mean that she does. The same about rejection, if a female tells you 'No', it could be anything including 'I am in doubt', 'let me think about it', 'i am shy to say yes', 'ask me tomorrow when i am in mood'...
boogieboy Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 You have a GF who cheated on you, then you took her back. Your GF does not even understand the basic things about love. How do you expect her truly love you in a conventional sense? By the way, if a female tells you that she loves you, it does not really mean that she does. The same about rejection, if a female tells you 'No', it could be anything including 'I am in doubt', 'let me think about it', 'i am shy to say yes', 'ask me tomorrow when i am in mood'... OOOHH man, girl language...some girls do this, some are straight up. This is proof that you will have to play the field to understand when girls dont mean what they say. It will only make sense when you experience it. Once I was tryin to get my ex hot and horny for a romp, but she kept saying she had to go. (long drive home, it was late) So I said, aight whatever. She sent me a text that night that read "I would have loved it if you forced yourself on me". Gotta learn how to read this crap.
Odyssey Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Just be careful, sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, which when you're 18 that's normal. Seems to me, she's keeping you sweet until she finds someone else. But everything that Carhill wrote is totally right. Words can lie, but action speaks the truth. (pay attention to consistent action though).
Bejita463 Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 then why the hell did she come crawling back?? Yup, she ditched a great guy for, no doubt, an alphamale type jerk...then comes back to you until she finds another "bad boy", or whatever it is she is looking for. I'd have said, "what is that? Mr. Awesome doesn't want you, and now you want me back?.....sorry...not interested." she'll be looking to "better deal" you, I have no doubt about that. She wants a "bad boy" and only came back to you for stability. That is what I was trying to say, but I was being lazy about it.
MN randomguy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 velq, Do you really enjoy being in a relationship with her more than being single? Don't ever feel that you should stay with her out of duty. That is a waste of your youth. If its just OK, dump her so that you're available for someone who knows more of what they want.
Recommended Posts