Should I bother with this guy?

[KatieGray]

I met this guy over a year ago and the attraction was pretty instantaneous and mutual. Because I am a shy person I was overly cautious with him and this may have given him the impression that I was not attracted to him. To make things worse, his male friend who is more aggressive than him (and already had a girlfriend) kept flirting with me before I realised that he wasn't just being friendly and in the end created the wrong impression. I am not a flirt, but was completely naive that his interest was purely friendly and it really did not help.

 

To cut a long story short, it seems that every time I manage to get this guy alone and we finally managed to start some kind of flirtation going someone interferes! Either its mutual friends who don't seem to take a hint that we want to be alone, it's his male friend or more recently his female friend who started to flirt with him the minute she found out that we had started to see each other outside our social circle. This woman is currently living with her partner, but it doesn't stop her from trying to monopolise his time.

 

We did start trying to meet tentatively, but then she started dressing up for him and flirting even more.

 

Eventually I withdrew because it seemed like I couldn't win. Ignore him and he gets closer to her, respond to him and she will flirt more. Because I withdrew, he may have thought I was no longer interested and started spending more time with her. We never spoke that much in general because of this, yet when he gets a chance to be away from her he still looks longingly at me, stands close to me if he gets a chance, and even though we aren't exactly close he kept in touch with me every few weeks or so when I was away for a couple months and asking me to meet. When we do get a chance to be with each other, we are both super nervous but we can't get enough of smiling at each other and staring into each others eyes.

 

But if she catches him staring at me, she sometimes will get mad with him, pulls a disappearing act or start giving him the cold shoulder and he will run after her to placate her and then once she's happy again, he will go back to checking me out.

 

They are together so much in our group people assume their a couple, but he has told (privately) friends that they haven't so much as kissed let alone anything else. People say he is frustrated by her behavior, but he seems to be okay and friendly with her in public. Not like someone smarting from being toyed with.

 

She can't date him, but she makes sure that I don't get a chance. She invites herself to things that she know we'll both attending, leaves events early (she drives him around because he can't drive) so that he can't talk to me, and will watch us like a hawk if we do talk. If we happen to meet, I try to avoid her, but she is always in my face smiling and asking me about my life when I'd prefer she'd just leave me alone.

 

Eventually he did suggest for us to meet up again, and although I didn't say yes immediately because I'm not happy with the situation he is in. I did eventually agree because I still have feelings for him. And I'm not a hundred percent sure he knew that I really liked him because of the amount of interferences we have had, coupled with our shyness around each other and am wondering whether this situation is a result of that.

 

Interests-wise I know they have more in common, but we get on well when other people aren't sticking their noses in. I know other people have spotted his attraction towards me so it's not entirely in my head. I know that even she suspects his interest. At the same time I feel bad that I'm seeing him, because I'm not sure if he has feelings for her and can't go any further because she has a partner. I don't want him to choose me, because he can't be with her.

 

I guess what I really want to know is, should I even pursue things with this guy? Should I flirt with him and hope he realises I like him, and drops her? Or should I just cancel meeting with him and just let her have him to herself.

 

And how shall I behave when she flirts with him? I look away, but my stomach really sinks when they are together. And how should I deal with her when she keeps coming up to me and being super friendly?

 

Thanks

[Island Girl]

He is single.

 

You are available.

 

If he likes you he has a green light to pursue you.

 

She only causes problems because he lets her. It is HIS issue.

 

FYI where there is a will there is a way. I don't care what friends, etc try to interfere. If he wanted to get you alone, he would. If he wanted to pursue you he would.

 

And at this point I would be seriously questioning what this guy is really made of considering he is so easily manipulated by her and he knows she is unavailable and can be nothing to him.

 

Let it go completely. Move on to someone else.

 

Either it will make him sit up and take notice because he will want his shot and not want to lose you to another.

Or he'll be the same wishy washy guy he's been all along and if that is the case then you wouldn't really want a guy like that anyway, right?

[KatieGray]

He is single.

 

You are available.

 

If he likes you he has a green light to pursue you.

 

She only causes problems because he lets her. It is HIS issue.

 

FYI where there is a will there is a way. I don't care what friends, etc try to interfere. If he wanted to get you alone, he would. If he wanted to pursue you he would.

 

And at this point I would be seriously questioning what this guy is really made of considering he is so easily manipulated by her and he knows she is unavailable and can be nothing to him.

 

Let it go completely. Move on to someone else.

 

Either it will make him sit up and take notice because he will want his shot and not want to lose you to another.

Or he'll be the same wishy washy guy he's been all along and if that is the case then you wouldn't really want a guy like that anyway, right?

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

You're right. I should let him go. I've done it before with the full intention of never coming back. But he contacted me about coming back and meeting up. When I gave him the benefit of the doubt and returned, I found him in exactly the same situation he already was. It does wake him up, but not enough to give her the boot.

 

Another guy is actually single and interested in me, but because I'm not really interested I don't think it would be fair to move onto him. I just think a break from trying to date would be better and kinder.

 

Now I want to cancel meeting up with the wishy washy guy, but I've had to cancel twice already previously because of this girl. (He didn't know why I cancelled in both cases.) I don't want to come across as a flake. Also I'll have to live with the awkwardness of seeing him and her because we all have mutual friends. She's really enjoying making me squirm. Ugh!

 

Previously, I just made up excuses to cancel, should I just tell him straight I'm uncomfortable seeing him when he's got this relationship going with this girl? Or just make up another excuse. Thanks.

[xpaperxcutx]

If you don't want to associate yourself with him, you either cancel or you tell him straightforwardly that you're in a very awkward position and that you would rather just choose to be friends.

 

You obviously know what you want, and being placed in the middle between him and her isn't it.

[KatieGray]

If you don't want to associate yourself with him, you either cancel or you tell him straightforwardly that you're in a very awkward position and that you would rather just choose to be friends.

 

You obviously know what you want, and being placed in the middle between him and her isn't it.

 

Thanks xpaperxcutx. I think straightforward would be best. I'd rather be out of it completely than in the middle.

 

 

I'm going to cancel now and get it over with. Once again, I'd like to say thanks to you and Islandgirl for your advice, it's been much appreciated.

[JeezLouise]

Almost sounds like they are having an affair, and she is trying to keep tabs on him and he is getting tired of being the bit on the side.

[J3ss]

I would suggest that you go up to this guy and tell him what you told us. Let him know that you like him, and the reason why you're hesitant to begin anything with him is because his female friend is seriously interfering. Tell him what she does and so forth.

 

Ultimatums may not be the best thing to do, but I would try that, because if he cannot realize the negative effect she has on his life, then you wouldn't want to deal with her continuing to be in his life and causing stress, etc. So, I think it's a win-win. If that makes sense.

 

Some guys can be really dim and not realize just how much their female friends can interfere in their relationships with girlfriends or potential girlfriends.

 

Another thing, I agree with Island Girl, he sounds like he doesn't have much of a backbone. Do you want to be a relationship with someone who doesn't stand up for themselves and probably wouldn't stand up for you?

 

So, I suggest scheduling a meeting with him and letting him know that you want to get something off your chest.

[KatieGray]

Well we did talk after I cancelled explaining exactly why and to be quite honest I'm getting the impression that he is in a relationship with yet another girl.

 

I started laughing (quietly) when he hinted at this, calmly wished him well and put the phone down. Oh well, at least the anxious feelings I was having are finally gone. I guess the shock hasn't kicked in yet.

 

But thank you all for your help. Really appreciated.

[artchick88]

you need make a move or just tell him you like him.

these are your only options.

just make sure he is worth the potential heart ache (which sounds like hes already giving you a lot of)

good luck!

[Island Girl]

you need make a move or just tell him you like him.

these are your only options.

just make sure he is worth the potential heart ache (which sounds like hes already giving you a lot of)

good luck!

 

 

Seems to be already taken care of.