Gunny376 Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Now is the time to take a good hard look at your life? All aspects of it. Do a complete 'systems check' mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. If need be? Get outside professional help in these areas if you need them. You need to set some goals and objectives in and for your life, and give some consideration about where you want to be five, ten, twenty even forty years from now. Now is the time for you 'educate' yourself about the two subjects that most impact our lives, but is not taught anywhere until after you find yourself up to your neck in trouble. Personal finances and personal relationships. Financially I would highly recommend Mary Hunt's "Debtproof Living" along with Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover" (I'm a finance major ~ and these two books are two of the best out there for your everyday individual that doesn't want to get into derivatives, stock splits, tear sheets, etc) To regain your center? I would recommend the Carlos Xuma's e-books "The Dating Blackbook" and especially his "Secrets of The AlphaMale", the latter really being about regaining your 'center' as a man. To be honest, I read Carlos' books, but I had to read Neil Strass's "The Game" and then go back and read to two above books of Carlos before I fully appreciate it. To get the full benefit of these books you may have to read them five times, as human retention is only at best about 20%, (thus 5 X 20% = 100 %) Now granted these are PUA (Pickup Artist) books, and I've read from the many others that are out there. But Carlos hits it on the head about what you need to know about living life as a man, with balance, and if need be single and alone, (he actually recommends it) Mary Hunt and Dave Ramsey hit the nail on the head for the average person when it comes your average person on the street. Your twenty five, you should be working on getting completely out of debt, and putting a years worth of gross income in the bank. That is to say you can go a solid year without any income coming in for a solid year and still pay the bills, keep a decent car seat under your @zz, and not have to live off of eating 'Benni's and weenies' & 'oodles of noodles". Then you should look at putting even more money in the bank for expenses that you know are going to crop up? Insurance deductibles for medical, dental, cars. Then another five thousand just sitting in the bank (earning some kind of interest of course!) for expected and unexpected car repairs, taxes, car tags, property taxes.......................... I realize that CA is a community property taxes, but even in CA if you owned it before you got married its going to be yours after you get divorced. So with that said, you should be working on building, owning (or at least paying for) and furnishing a house before you ever get married again. That way when some 'skirt' gets flake on you? She's entitled to only half of what you've acquired with her while you were married. When you get your head and @zz wired back together, don't date just one woman ~ but date as many women as you can. ABF ~ "Always Be Flirting" Dating a lot of women doesn't mean you necessarily having sex with each and everyone of them. It means your dating more than one woman! Don't put all your eggs in one basket. This is actually to your advantage because people want what other people want. By dating more than one woman at time? Your actually amping up your "attractiveness factor" to other women. Women (human beings) love competition and a challenge ~ and that's true for both men and women. The percentage of men that get married under the age of 25 and end up divorced? 90%. You and I had a snowball's chance in Hell to begin with. Your DW obviously mental and emotional issues that your not equipped, trained, schooled to deal with. Let her go Bro! Let her go! Its been nineteen years since I went through what you're going through and it was damned hard learning how to single and alone again? But my friend its better than dragging a dead horse and saddle around everywhere you go! And, that what the XHEX was! A !@#$#$%%^^ dead horse! I drug that SOB around with me for years and years, and people keep telling me! "Hey your dragging around a dead horse everywhere you go ~ you know that don't ya!" And I would tell them that "Yea! I know!" and keep dragging around the dead horse! Time to let go of the 'dead horse' Time to get out there and get busy living your life. Time to quit wasting time and your life. From birth to death if you live to be 70? You've only got about 25,000 days. A good amount of them are lived in your youth when your young, dumb, ignorant and stupid ~ and many more when your too senile, feeble to appreciate them? Now is the time to get busy living your life! Its not the end! Its the beginning!
Author somewhat damaged Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 NC day 1: Feels like all my world was an illusion. Took some time to analyze all the negative signs I had ignored from the start. Hard to swallow the reality that a woman who I cared for so deeply, could in turn do this to me (or anyone for that matter). I barely made it through work. Both a co-worker and another female friend told me the same thing a month ago when my wife originally stated she wanted a separation or divorce to have space and be alone. They said "she's with someone.". Sure enough it was true. So guys if your woman says "I need space, I need time alone" The translation is this: "I want some c*ck, just not yours" Onward to NC day 2............
TrustInYourself Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 LOL, funny stuff. I feel your pain bro. Talk it out. Get out. Get free. Time heals, so be patient.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Have you talked to a lawyer either asbout an annullment or dissolution of marriage? I mean you cant go out there and sleep around like she's doing in some states if your still legally married and she has a baby outside of the marriage you can still be financially responsible for that baby!!! that's freaking insane by my book. Also any debt you both acrue while still married. and a whole multitude of other things. A woman being married to me and getting pregnant by another man has always been one of my top fears of getting married. and whatnot. Chit gives me nughtmares. but you know what, You dont need the headache or heartache so get your azz down to a lawyer and file for divorce, make it official and cut the rope to her sinking boat. She's not the right one for you.
mark982 Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 her being away from you,i'd contact credit bureau's and put a watch on someone opening credit in your name,seeing how she's not exactly stable.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I usually avoid the divorce and separation forum but after having read your thread, my only advice for you is to move on. No matte how hard it may get, you have to push yourself to move on with your life. You're 25 years old, you've hardly lived half your lifetime. If you allow one woman to **** up your life completely, you will never learn to enjoy the things that you've already missed out. There will always be other women, but by then you'll be a better judge of their character. You have to be strong for yourself and learn to to move on.
Author somewhat damaged Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 It hasn't even been two day yet but already NC has helped gain me insight on myself and this relationship that I would not have noticed (yet) as long as I continued to try to contact her. The reality now is that the woman I loved, cared for and adored more than anything- is gone, and does not care. Right now she still has control over me, so NC is the ONLY option. Our wedding anniversary is in a couple weeks - I can't let myself cave in then. Right now everything reminds me her - and I literally mean f*cking everything.
Anahata Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I agree with NoIDidn't; the description of her history and behavior does sound like Borderline Personality Disorder and No Contact (NC) is the best way to disengage, heal and move on. You may want to check out this forum for support with your NC, read other's stories to see how bad it could have been or how others have come through a similar situation. http://www.bpdfamily.com/discussions/message-board.htm http://www.bpdfamily.com/ Good luck! You deserve better
Author somewhat damaged Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Day 3 NC: woke up again waaay earlier than hoped, couldn't get back to sleep because my mind was instantly flooded with thoughts of her. Lame. She has no idea I have begun NC. 3 days ago when I started was also when I found out and confronted her about the other relationship. Since we are LDR she was able to avoid the conflict and ended up hanging up on me obviously without answering all my questions, but not denying the relationship - Even told me to stay out of his life!! She did not deny f*cking this guy more than once, and simply reffered to him as "a distraction". Then the last thing she said to me was that she was contacting a lawyer yesterday. She wanted me to do the filing and everything- I said I couldn't do it because I do not want divorce. I decided after that convo to go NC. I realized the minimal contact I've had with her was doing me substantial emtional and mental harm.
Gowithflow Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 You are a smart dude. You don't deserve this type of treatment, but it happens. Try to remain calm. Keep ignoring her. It gets easier. Count your blessings. No kids is a bonus in your situation. You will get off easy.
seibert253 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Day 3 NC: woke up again waaay earlier than hoped, couldn't get back to sleep because my mind was instantly flooded with thoughts of her. Lame. She has no idea I have begun NC. 3 days ago when I started was also when I found out and confronted her about the other relationship. Since we are LDR she was able to avoid the conflict and ended up hanging up on me obviously without answering all my questions, but not denying the relationship - Even told me to stay out of his life!! She did not deny f*cking this guy more than once, and simply reffered to him as "a distraction". Then the last thing she said to me was that she was contacting a lawyer yesterday. She wanted me to do the filing and everything- I said I couldn't do it because I do not want divorce. I decided after that convo to go NC. I realized the minimal contact I've had with her was doing me substantial emtional and mental harm. Go ahead and contact an attorney and file. The sooner the better. At 25 you're still way ahead of the curve. PLENTY, PLENTY, PLENTY, of young women at your age who will treat you right. Continue NC, File, and move on.
Author somewhat damaged Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 End of Day 3 NC: Today went ok, I got in touch with some old friends that went by the wayside because of my marriage. I couldn't believe what they were telling me. They said the both received death threatening emails years back from my wife telling them to stay out of my life. I was shocked at first, my wife always acted so kind and generous, but now I see it was all about her wants and insecurities from the start. These were friends she wasn't "comfortable" with when she met them and forced them out of my lifes. Thanks for pointing out the possible borderline personality disorder. She seems to be a text book case after researching symptoms. I am no longer floored by her actions - they are now almost predictable. For anyone thinking about NC- It has only been 3 days for me and it has helped me tremendously. Before I went NC I was spending all my thoughts and efforts on how to save the relationship. NC helped me look back at the timeline of my relationship and start connecting the dots. I still feel like **** all the time, and the deep depression comes in waves. I still find all these connections everywhere I go that relates to her.
PWSX3 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Don't feel bad, you are doing great.......... Yes the NC does help a lot, it gives you time to start focusing more on you and like you said; you start to look at things more from the outside of the situation instead of being in the situation. Those feelings of ups & downs will last a long time, it's been10 months since my former wife moved out & I still get tires once in a while, or you will see something you both used to do but it doesn't bother you as bad & those feelings go away faster...... Keep up the NC & keep working on you.
Author somewhat damaged Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Day 5 NC: Why does everything I see or do somehow come back to her? I was unpacking some boxes today (ones I didn't think I would need to unpack yet until she moved here) and guess what? first box opened had the video camera with our wedding and honeymoon tapes. I wish someone was home to stop me from watching them. Too late now (my own fault). Now I just feel like sh*t. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( And for some reason I'm really letting the fact that our anniversary is next week bother me. Like she might try and call me. Or maybe she will be too busy bouncing on the OM's c*ck. What a great thought. Some other guy balls deep in my wife on our wedding anniversary. Joy.
Sands_of_time Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 OP- I can identify with your sitauation. I am about 6 months ahead of where you are at now and looking back, the first 60 days are the toughest--by far. As your journey continues you'll "turn corners" although you might not know it when it happens. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. This will serve you well now and as you get older. The only thing that is going to take the pain away is time. There are other things that will help you pass the time more comfortably like staying busy, working out...etc. But strap in because you are truly in for a journey. One of the things that helped me understand the situation was to try to figure out where I'd be mentally 2, 3, 6, 12 months down the road. Everyone has their own timeline of course but it was helpful to at least get a guideline. I hope it helps you too (see link below). Get tough but not mean. 6 months into this journey you'll turn many corners and you just might end up making breakfast for a gaggle of women. :) Brighter days are ahead for you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t174853/
Gunny376 Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 There are those that have been through what your going though, and those of us that have been through what your going through? There's "Fire on the Mountain and troubles and in the hills?" And those of us that understand what those words mean? To those that haven't gone through it? They have no meaning, and to those of us that have been through it all too well understand the meaning! Bend down on your knees before God, and JHC? Begging for relief and mercy! For forgiveness and redemption! Crying your eyes out? There is the other-side ~ and you will survive! There is life the other-side ~ and you will survive! From a survivor! Gunny376
Sands_of_time Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 There is life the other-side ~ and you will survive! From a survivor! Gunny376 Amen to this. OP-just hang on tight. You'll get there.
sumdude Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Don't kick yourself too much for going through the past and feeling the loss. You're starting to grieve the death a the most important relationship in your life with the possible exception of your parents. Be careful not to get lost in it for too long but I believe it's healthy though painful to really grieve. Seems like you're handling it pretty well overall.. just keep on going and accept the things you cannot change. You'll go through stages in no particular order of disbelief, denial, rage and deep sorrow. It's part of being human and alive. At some point you'll figure out that you need to forgive her and especially yourself.
delajoonal Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 i just had to resond to say after reading your post, i truly feel your pain...your words are so descriptive and so much pain coming thru...i am so sorry..i am not really in a position to give any advice, been 3 months siince i found out my sbtxh a 13 year marriage, had an online EA with someone he met on facebook as well...3 months exacly and IT is worse now than ever... but i just wanted to say how sorry i am that you are going thru this... i would NOT wish this pain on anyone..ever! please take care and my thoughts are with u:)
Author somewhat damaged Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Ok today is our 3 year wedding anniversary - and later I'm heading to court to file for divorce. Crazy that this is my reality. Fortunately I'm no longer crying everyday. The pain is still raw but now I feel anger. My STBXW has no remorse, no regrets, and no apologies. After divorce is finalized I'm going strict NC - I've deleted my facebook and myspace accounts, changed my primary email and cell number. When karma comes around and backhands her, I'm not going to be her fall back bitch.
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