Today I discovered it was all a lie.......

[somewhat damaged]

Hi this is my first post, and after trying to find answers like everybody else, I came across this site.

 

We are both 25 and met in LA when we were 21. Married for almost 3 years. It was a whirlwind from the start- I broke my lease to move into her apartment. Thing was her BF was still moving out. Yea she was still with a guy when we hooked up. She told me that he was over and out of her life, and that something deep inside her kept telling her that I was the guy for her, a soul mate. She seemingly shut the ex BF out of her life within a week- never saw or heard from him again. Within 6 months we were engaged, and within the year we were married. We had been inseparable since our first date.

 

Within our first 6 months of marriage we moved out of state so she could be closer to her family. I gave up my comfort zone so she could have hers. After we moved to TN I had trouble coping with my new environment- and I missed my friends and family tremendously. This obviously caused some issues for us. Overall I felt our issues were nothing that couldn't be handled or solved through open communication and compromise.

 

Fast forward to Fall of 2008. I feel our marriage is at an all time high. In my mind we had grown closer over the year by addressing our faults and working together to solve them. Then one night I came home from work to not find her home. Unusual I thought as I was expecting her to be home- worried, I called her work to see if she was called in, but she wasn't. I decided to wait an hour before calling again. Then I decided to drive downtown to see if she was at her friend Ivana's apartment. Well as I was driving downtown I happened to run into Ivana walking down the street, I stopped and asked her if she was with my wife to which she replied "no". She said that she had not seen or heard from my wife all day. I decided to drive home when on the way I received a text from my wife saying "sorry I didn't answer the phone I'm with Ivana at her place." That is when I knew she was lying-

 

She has never been a good liar and finally when she came home that night a couple hours later I confronted her about what happened. She confessed that she had went to a bar alone because "she needed time alone". Confused, I brushed it off and went to bed. At this point I still had no reason to not trust her.

 

The next day she was at her friend Ivana's apartment when she sent me a text telling me that she cheated on me. I was devastated. This woman was everything to me. She came home to me while I was a wreck and she gave me the details: It happened only once and it was 6 months into our marriage, she had been hiding it from me nearly two years. She went onto say that since our marriage had improved so much, that she felt more and more guilty. I forgave her on the spot because all I could think about and see was a woman who I truly loved more than anything- someone who I had promised to be with forever. I wanted to protect her despite her hurting me.

 

Then next couple weeks were rough and I had a very hard time coping with the fact that our marriage had been tainted. I went through the usual rollercoaster of mood swings that others like me have experienced. I felt my love for her grow stronger within a month and we made decided to make plans to start our new life away from her family and back to the west coast where we originally lived. Sex was as passionate if not more during this period as well, we never had an issue in that area-

 

We decided the most logical decision was for me to move out here first to establish a home base and steady income. We decided that it wouldn't make sense for both of us to be unemployed looking for work at the same time. This was in Jan, I we agreed she would be there by early March. So it took a lot a courage, but I felt that we had more opportunity in a new place, so I packed it up and moved. The day of the move, she broke down and begged me to take her with. While I was very upset as well, I said we should stick to the plan because it is the most logical thing to do. I also said its not even 2 months. I tried to stay optimistic despite the pain I felt inside leaving my wife. We had never been apart since our first date- so I knew this would be tough. I held her for a long time and kissed her goodbye and said "I love you, its only a couple months". She seemed optimistic as well-

 

Fast forward to March 2009. Im living out on the west coast now and up to this point I have still continued to talk to my wife every day. Then all the sudden she stops answering my calls, my texts. At first I worry about her being out late at work where there sometimes is crime. My natural response is to make sure she is ok, but her not answering the phone just makes it worse. It is completely unlike her. Out of nowhere one day we were discussing moving dates and then she just stopped calling me. After 2 weeks of this I finally get a text from her while I am at work saying "Im not moving, I closed out my portion of our bank account, and I want a divorce." My world got turned upside down. When I later finally got her on the phone she simply and coldy stated that: "we arent compatible and we will never be, I just want to be alone and have my independence. If I ever decide to stay married at least it will be a choice I make without anybody's influence. Just give me space."

 

Wanting to work things out I told her I'd give her space. I spent the next month constantly worrying about her and thinking about her. I avoided contact as much as possible. Then last week she called and said she missed talking to me. We even teased each other about having sex again over the phone. I though to myself "wow maybe she has come to her senses already"- that is when the truth unfolded.......

 

Unfortunately, I seem to join the many who also got to watch their marriage dissolve over text messages and the internet. My wife chose to tell me she cheated, and wanted a divorce all through text messages. Yesterday we did talk, and she re-iterated that she wanted to be alone and just wants space. I asked if she was with anybody and she said no.

 

Last night, I discovered she has been dating another guy for over a month now. I unfortunately learned this through Facebook. While I wasn't trying to snoop, I noticed her profile pic had been changed from one of just her to one with her and some guy with his arm around her.

 

I felt my heart sink. Even though many people warned me, I didn't want to believe it. Crazy thoughts raced through my mind, and I couldn't take it anymore- after debating it for a good 15 minutes I decided to log into her Facebook and uncover the truth for myself. That's when I discovered her "new" life.

 

I learned my wife has been dating another guy for over a month according to her emails, had pictures of her with this new guy, and even commented on his profiled in regards to their relationship. I felt my heart burst. Again.

 

That was the proof I needed to be able to let go. I confronted her about it already and she continued to lie about the duration of the relationship. I told her I logged into her Facebook and read the emails. Then there was just silence. I had caught her in a lie yet again and she no longer had excuses. She then somehow turned it onto me and said that she could never see me again anyway because she could never hold her head up high in front my my family. What a cop out.

 

So now I uncovered the truth. She is not the same person I knew. This is not the woman I married. This past month has been the worst in my life while she is out already creating her new life. I told her that I will let her go- I told her that I love her so unconditionally that I will let her go- should our paths ever cross, then God will guide us together.

 

I just lost my best friend, intimate lover, and caring wife- I just witnessed my marriage fall apart through text messages and facebook. What I thought was a commitment for life turned out to be lie. I meant my vows and she breaks them without thinking twice. It only took 2 months for her to start over without me and find someone new. I guess I never meant much to her........

[Chrome Barracuda]

What you need to do is stop being so whipped! you moved so much and sacrifised so much for a chick who wasnt even worth it. She was still dealing with her ex while dealing with you!!!

 

Right there was a big red flag! she is the type of woman that only jumps into another man's bed when she has a position to do so. Like a monkey always making sure the next branch is there.

 

In the long run she will tire of the new man and either attempt to contact you, and make up or she will move on to her next victim. The problem isnt you, it's HER!

 

So what you need to do is divorce, move back home, get all your money and be happy you dont have any kids to share with this crazy bit*h. I'm serious it could have been a whole lot worse.

 

Your better off man, chin up, head held high.

[somewhat damaged]

thanks. Yeah even though this has all hit me in a short period of time I know I just gotta try to move on.

 

Yea I still miss her. She dropped out of my life so suddenly- and it feels like im grieving a death. I can't sit around forever and hope she comes to her senses- she probably never will.

[Windy27]

 

We are both 25 and met in LA when we were 21. Married for almost 3 years. It was a whirlwind from the start- I broke my lease to move into her apartment. Thing was her BF was still moving out. Yea she was still with a guy when we hooked up. She told me that he was over and out of her life, and that something deep inside her kept telling her that I was the guy for her, a soul mate. She seemingly shut the ex BF out of her life within a week- never saw or heard from him again. Within 6 months we were engaged, and within the year we were married. We had been inseparable since our first date.

 

 

So now I uncovered the truth. She is not the same person I knew. This is not the woman I married.........

 

 

Are you kidding us? She was exactly the same person when you met her, a cheating XXXX.

 

That night, she wasn't with her friend as you saw her friend. She wasn't by herself at some bar. She was with another man. She probably cheated through her whole relationship with you. She cheated with you and now cheating on you.

 

Some women are more ONS material. In the old days, there are names for these women. The bottom line is, she is not wife matrial. Don't waste your time and energy looking back. Get the divorce finalized and move one. Even if she is "sorry," you know that 2 years down the road, she will cheat again when there is an opportunity.

 

By the way, get yourself tested.

[SRV]

Red flag number 1:She was still with her other boyfriend when she started going out with you. Learn from this experience for future relationships, if a woman does this to the other man, she will do it to you sooner or later.

 

Red flag number 2:You moved to be closer to her family, what about your family and friends? You should have compromised on this, boundaries need to be stipulated.

 

Be glad that you are rid of her. Thank your lucky stars that you did not have children with her. She will do the same thing to the new guy that she has done to you.

 

Stop telling her you love her, go aboslutely no contact with her. If she calls, do not answer, if she texts, do not text back. The only communication that she should get is from your lawyer whilst being served the divorce paper.

[LakesideDream]

I'm sorry you are facing this. Luck is with you though, you are young, can look at and remember all the mistakes you made, and the mistakes that will be pointed out here... and not repeat the mistakes in the future.

 

You are young, that's such a valuable asset. Don't waste it.

[Gunny376]

You've got 'one-ittis' in that you think this one woman is the 'one and only' and that you'll never find 'true love' and happiness with any other woman.

 

Are you kidding me?

 

The world is literally covered up with women of all types, kinds!

 

Hate to be the one to break the news to ya' but the world is covered up with them, especially in CA.

 

This isn't about you, its about her own insecurities. She's so insecure in and of herself that she's got to go and seek validation repeatedly from other men.

 

I know of a guy who was married to one of these type of women. They had three sons and were married for forty years. She use to be hot back in the day, and yep even in her fifties and sixties she was out 'scroggin' anything that had a pulse, to validate in her mind that she 'still had what it takes' to get a man interested in her.

 

I know it hurts Bro, but your really getting off light! Be glad you found out early in the game, and that you didn't have children with her.

 

Lakeside is right, your still young ~ and time is truly a gift!

[westernxer]

...and caring wife

 

Not so caring.

 

Come on now.

[somewhat damaged]

Just got of the phone with my in laws- They basically told me that they have witnessed their daughter do this multiple times, they had believed she was changed when she got married- she had them convinced she was different. Their advice to me was to walk away and start over. Her family blames her problems on childhood abuse issues. Her grandfather was sexually abusive and the father was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. They were convinced that these deep rooted issues cause her to seek out men and destroy them, whether intentional or not. They said all her life she refused counseling, and probably will continue like this for life until she seeks help for herself.

 

All it took was a couple of months of us apart for her to already find a new man and a new life. Since I live a thousand miles away, I had no chance to attempt to see or stop what was happening.

 

My friend I talked to yesterday said women like these always seek out "protector" type men. Those who see the woman vulnerable, hurt and reaching out for love. It's true I wanted to take care of this woman, she told me some of her issues from the start. I felt early on she was trustworthy for being so open about her past. Now how do I separate lie from truth? Its too much to handle right now-

[westernxer]

They said all her life she refused counseling, and probably will continue like this for life until she seeks help for herself... All it took was a couple of months of us apart for her to already find a new man and a new life.

 

And she'll do the same thing to the new guy as well. Just be glad it isn't you anymore.

 

It's going to take you some time -- probably a lot of it -- to get a grip on things, but eventually you should be able to move past this with the right approach. Right now it's a mountain of hurt... your goal should be to get back on your feet and move forward, starting right now (even though you are hurting quite a bit). You may limp for awhile, but eventually you will grow stronger.

[webmuse]

I'd say you're luckier then most to be that many miles physically apart. You don't have to worry about running into them, you won't have to find yourself driving by her place just to see whos there and wonder what the hell am I doing out at 2 in the morning?

 

Now, just let everyone know you don't want to hear about her.. and at first you won't mean it, you'll try every thing to get to hear about what she's doing, except for asking right out.

but eventually(and it won't take that long), you will grow tired of the SSDD syndrome, you really won't want to her about her actions anymore.

 

On with your new life...

[somewhat damaged]

I'm having a real dilemma. I feel like I cannot get closure or move on without seeing her again. I need to see it in her eyes that it is over. I guess I need to hear it straight from her. I live thousands of miles away but could be there tomorrow. Has anyone else gone through this situation? I feel like I need to see her in person- we haven't seen each other since January 09 and I can't just sit back and watch my marriage dissolve over text messages and facebook any longer.

 

Also it looks like if divorce ends up being the only option (looks that way) I get to be the sorry sap to initiate it. Problem is, as least right now, or until I see her disconnect in person, I won't be able to do it.

[boogieboy]

I'm having a real dilemma. I feel like I cannot get closure or move on without seeing her again. I need to see it in her eyes that it is over. I guess I need to hear it straight from her. I live thousands of miles away but could be there tomorrow. Has anyone else gone through this situation? I feel like I need to see her in person- we haven't seen each other since January 09 and I can't just sit back and watch my marriage dissolve over text messages and facebook any longer.

 

Also it looks like if divorce ends up being the only option (looks that way) I get to be the sorry sap to initiate it. Problem is, as least right now, or until I see her disconnect in person, I won't be able to do it.

 

DUDE! You dont need to see her again. Youre just going though abandonment detox. Youre one of the lucky ones who isnt hearing from your ex every other day with mixed messages now. Keep reading this board, its very theraputic. You know what happened, just deal with the hurt. Its over, and you learned not to get married in your twenties. The hurt will take a while, but dont contact her, dont let her contact you, erase and trash everything that reminds you of her and start fresh. Dont linger on anything. This was a lesson learned that years down the line will help you with the next Long term relationship.

 

 

What you need to do now is learn where you might have gone wrong to possible stop her attraction to you. Did things get stale in the last 6 months? Did you have a gut feeling that she might have regretted getting married? Did things become too routine at your house? Theres many things that change a womans attraction to you, but then again she might just not be marriage material. It was also a mistake to get attached to a girl who just got out of a serious relationship. Dont get caught up in something like that again.

[somewhat damaged]

Maybe it was the fact that we were in a LDR for months that made her lose attraction. My wife is a nympho that no longer had physical contact. Another problem is we had not been apart physically since our first date, almost 4 years. In January 09 I moved away to get a head start working towards our plans for when our old apartment lease was up and she moved out. I didn't think about how she probably would cave in without me. She has always shown a strong exterior but inside she is pretty messed up about relationships. I guess I had become her security blanket that was suddenly removed. And honestly for her I know she is the type of person thats needs physical contact. I didn't think about that when I moved. I just thought "hey its only a couple months". Being weak willed, she gave into lust and cheated again. After doing this the first time she probably realized the damage done and decided to cut off all contact with me. Im sure she feels like the damage done by now is unforgivable. She has issues coping with herself and is probably justifying the divorce by continually cheating.

[BW007]

This all sounds so familiar to me.

You don't need to see her for "closure". Closure is one of those ideas like "soulmate" or The One that will do you no f ing good at this point to buy into.

 

Remember the guy she kicked to the curb and never spoke to again etc....that is you now. She had ZERO regard for this guy. This is how she does things. When you were the person benefiting from that guys loss it was ok but now it is you.

The childhood abuse is another dealbreaker because she deals with her relationships with men in toxic ways and cannot stand to be alone for a second. Run for the hills.

 

I know about some of these relationship killing problems from personal experience. This does not mean it is impossible to love a very flawed person, just not someone who is stuck in charachter flaws that are getting more and more set in stone the older they get..

 

Initate the divorce and let her go. Easier said than done, I know.

[quankanne]

if you feel that strongly about going back home for closure, do it. But don't expect her to have matured or changed to a point where she's ready to work on your marriage in a healthy way – what your inlaws said about her refusing to seek help after sexual and verbal abuse makes me believe that she's not going to seek help, period. But will go from crisis to crisis to crisis seeking validation/happiness.

 

as much as you love her, you've got to love yourself more by getting out of a whack relationship – for you, her kind of "love" is poisonous because she refuses to distinguish between right and wrong behavior, and that's not good for any relationship.

 

as gunny points out, there are other fish in the sea. Maybe it's not something you want to consider right now, but it's true ... and one of them is a more suitable match than this poor soul could ever hope to be. You cannot love someone to a point where they're going to change, they have to do it of their own volition.

[webmuse]

so, whatcha gonna do?

[Gunny376]

What you need to do is fall down on your knees and clasp your hands together and thank Almighty God that you didn't waste some of the best years of your life, hundreds of thousands of dollars, have children with this lying, two-timing, weak-minded woman!

 

Your 25 years old!

 

JHC!

 

Get out there and rub some sunshine on your face! Put a smile on your face! Get your happy @ss busy living your life!

 

Go to a local college/university! Look at all those HB10's (HotBabe's 10) walking around there! Go to a freaking park!

 

Get yourself out there!

 

Live your Life! Live it to its top and life it to it fullest!

[bhweller]

to the OP.... you are going through hell, but you are lucky. I know that is so weird, but its true. You are young and you had no kids, and you don't live in the same city anymore.

 

In hindsight you will see that you had a one sided relationship that was holding you back.

[NoIDidn't]

I am most certainly not a doctor, but I wanted to say this.

 

Given her history of abuse, an alcoholic father, the nympho sex drive, and the pull she has on you, she sounds like a borderline personality or some similar disorder. And if true, you may be one of their classic partner types: a co-dependent.

 

Seeing her for closure is likely to hurt more than it helps. I agree that you are luckier than others in that you are young, and you don't have any children to worry about or fight over.

 

Sorry this has happened to you.

[somewhat damaged]

to everyone- thanks for the replies, they all helped in their own way.

 

I know I'm getting off easier than most. I'm blessed to have no children involved. Its hard when your whole concept of "true love" gets shattered by the person you believed in. I mean how could people just do this to other people? I would never do this, I would never cheat, even though now she is telling me to go out and find myself a "distraction". It would still be committing adultery because I'm still technically married.

 

And yeah I know I'm lucky because I'm still young, but like others said, seeing other women is not an option for me right now. I know that any woman I entered a relationship right now would not get my 100%. I wish I could just fast forward my life to a better time.

 

So other than dating and sleeping with other women, how do I get her out of my mind? Everything reminds me of her. I don't dream in my sleep because my whole reality feels like a dream- rather a nightmare.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need to start fresh and clean, that means any momento she gave you over the years, pictures anything with a huge emotional attachment you need to either destroy or box away.

 

There's no such thing as closure. Going NC and letting go is closure enough. You had enough closure when you found out the truth with your own eyes. women like her can never change. She will not stop cheating, **** even her own parents said so!!! that's saying something!

 

For your own good, file for divorce and move on, start going to a gym, do dancing lessons, ride a bike, do what interests you! Forget her. Right now you arent married, and neither is she if she can sleep around with no problem.

[somewhat damaged]

Guys today is day #1 of NC. wish me luck. I just hope I can keep it together at work......

[seibert253]

There will be good days, and there will be bad. But in time, it will get easier. Especially when you find another nice lady to spend some time with.

[Biggie25x]

Keep the faith. Keep up with the NC. Keep posting here, the people on this forum have helped me through some of the darkest days of my life. They have great advice.

 

Don't give her your self respect. If you do get together realize that she needs to work on a lot too. That if she is going to work on it it will take a lot of time. That one way or another YOU are better off without her for a while. If she's not willing to and hasn't than her actions are speaking to you loud and clear.

 

Focus on yourself. Take care of yourself. Work hard in life and personally. Use this experience to make yourself better. Don't let her use you. Don't let her take that from you. She's not worth it.

 

Take your time with dating. I have been on a couple and it was too soon. It was a strange experience and made me realize how much more work I need to do. It's not fair to them to get involved with a person in this much pain. You will know when it's right to get back out there. Most experts agree that you should wait a year before going on a date. That it takes a long time to get over the loss and to rebuild yourself

 

NC is hard. Ask me how I know. But like Skin said it get's easier. It is a path to regaining your self respect. You need to take a while to heal from your loss and the pain your in. Look on the internet for a dovorcecare class. I am going through it and I have hopes of it working.

 

Keep posting and keep your chin up.