Cora Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I know this is silly but I can't get this guy out of my mind. The guy I'm talking about is the same one I have mentioned in my most recent threads on here. Like I said before....everything was great in the beginning. We talked for about three weeks with him usually doing all of the contacting. He seemed very much interested! We met up and the date went really well. Again he seemed very much interested! This is what seemed to of went wrong... Mistake #1: I slept with him on the first date. I know wrong wrong wrong! He did however ask me out for the following day but maybe he did it out of guilt I don't know. Mistake #2: After our 2 dates which seemed to go well for the most part he seemed to of backed away a little. I went into panic mode and started contacting him...trying to feel him out etc.. Mistake #3: 2 days later I came right out and basically asked him if he were still interested in me which apparently pushed him away even further. Okay, I could be wrong here but I feel like if I wouldn't have made the mistakes that I did things may be different right now. I know he could also either of not been interested in the beginning and didn't want to hurt my feelings or maybe he was just out for one thing which I doubt because he seems like a really good guy. I think...okay I know I gave him the wrong impression of me. Sleeping with him on the first date was something I shouldn't have done. I think where things really went wrong was when I had that talk with him Saturday trying to see how interested he was. I think he got the wrong idea right there. I was not and am not looking for some relationship with him. We were still trying to get to know each other. That's how it probably came off as I'm sure. I just wanted him to be upfront with me. If he isn't or was never interested in me then that's fine I have to accept that and move on. It just seems like he started to back away once I started acting clingy or whatever you want to call it and especially after I had the talk with him on Saturday. I just want things to go back to how they were if that's even possible. Just a casual, talking, going on a few dates, getting to know each other kind of thing. No more sleeping together either. My question is...is this even possible? Or have I already screwed things up too much already? I have been laying low since Saturday. Haven't contacted him once. He hasn't contacted me either. So is there anything I can do to fix this or do I just have to keep laying low until/if he get's ahold of me again? Ughh this sucks because I really liked this one. Sorry, this was suppose to be a short post.
You'reasian Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Relationships can and do start from ONS and by converse, divorces still take place in relationships where people waited before they slept together - in this poster's opinoin, how soon you sleep with someone has little bearing on the kind of relationship you might be in. What matters? The chemistry between the two of you and how well you continue to "connect" down the line, sharing of values, appreciation of differences etc.
BCCA Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 To be honest, I really dont think things should be this complicated to start a relationship. I think it should flow along pretty naturally, with little thought about whats happening, until you find yourself in a committed relationship. Im a firm believer that these kinds of panic attacks and second guessing are a sign that hes not the one for you. You shouldnt have to second guess everything you do, because as much as you blame yourself 100%, you did all that as a reaction to his behavior. Sometimes, certain people bring reactions and behaviors out of us that others may not. All you can do is wait it out. See if he calls, but dont worry if he doesnt. At least it was fun to have some one to think about while it lasted.
Author Cora Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Thanks for the responses guys. Yeah, I get what you are saying BCCA. It's true in that maybe he isn't for me if it's already this complicated. I have never really looked at it that way but it does make a lot of sense! A lot of it is my fault because I get attached too quickly and end up getting hurt because of it. I don't know why I do it every time. When he backed away I figured something was wrong so that is why I asked him if he was still interested in dating/talking to me. Nothing serious...I just wanted to know if we were on the same page. I guess I'm just trying to figure out where things went wrong. We went from talking everyday to having a great first date which led to a second one and then four days without him saying a word to me. That is why I asked him if everything was okay. No I don't expect to talk to him everyday. It's just when someone usually does for three weeks straight and then just suddenly drops off the face of the earth you start to wonder what's up? Then he tells me oh yeah I still want to get to know you a little better I'm just real busy with work blah blah blah. He may very well be busy but if that's not the case I wish he would be straight with me. It's been a week since that convo and he hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him. He hasn't even been online this past week which is a little unusual for him so maybe he is busy or avoiding me. The point is I got attached way too soon and I hate when I do this! He pursued me, got me to really like him and then this. It just really sucks! Thanks again though! I'm trying my best to forget about him....sigh.
Author Cora Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Update: Okay well I just got finished talking with him. He came online not too long after I just got home and said wow you're up late? I didn't ask him any questions or mention anything about why he hasn't been in touch. He just came right out and asked me when can I see you again? I don't get it. How the hell can you say you are busy and then not talk to me for a whole week and then all of a sudden say when can I see you? I'm glad he is still interested but I have a very hard time reading this guy. Anyway, I had already made plans this weekend and next weekend is no good either since I will be out of town. He can't meet during the week because of work so the earliest would be in two weeks. He didn't sound too enthused by it but I can't help that especially since he just disappears on me. Also it was kind of late notice and I'm not able to change my plans. I guess I'll just see how it goes. I hope he just doesn't want to meet up for sex. I gave him the wrong idea on our first date and I don't want a repeat.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Update: Okay well I just got finished talking with him. He came online not too long after I just got home and said wow you're up late? I didn't ask him any questions or mention anything about why he hasn't been in touch. He just came right out and asked me when can I see you again? I don't get it. How the hell can you say you are busy and then not talk to me for a whole week and then all of a sudden say when can I see you? I'm glad he is still interested but I have a very hard time reading this guy. Anyway, I had already made plans this weekend and next weekend is no good either since I will be out of town. He can't meet during the week because of work so the earliest would be in two weeks. He didn't sound too enthused by it but I can't help that especially since he just disappears on me. Also it was kind of late notice and I'm not able to change my plans. I guess I'll just see how it goes. I hope he just doesn't want to meet up for sex. I gave him the wrong idea on our first date and I don't want a repeat. Cora I have to ask, do you think you would be happy seeing this guy again? I realize that our situation is very similar, except I never really confronted my guy on the whole relationship aspect of things, but he had made more than one effort to ask me out. Suppose you decide to cancel your weekend to go out with him? Do you think he'll be more receptive to you taking things slower? And if you decide to meet him up two weeks from now, do you think he will still be responsive to you?
Odyssey Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 I wouldn't totally blame yourself have having sex on the 1st date, because it takes 2 people. From what you said, neither of you forced the issue... you BOTH felt it was right at the time. But I think he is interested, it's just you kinda scared him off a little. You two just need to take it slow and talk about what you have at the moment and what you two want in a relationship. I was in the same situation as you with this girl and we totally blew it - ended up having sex repeatedly and generally our relationship went too fast. We're not even friends now and I'm still hurting. Don't just follow your heart, listen to what your head says too. Take it easy
JeezLouise Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 It was Friday night, and remember what your mama said. Don't accept a date for the weekend after Wednesday. His appearance and invite has a hint of booty call about it. Do NOT change your plans for him. If he wants to see you, then he knows how to properly ask you out. That is not by online chat or text - that is with a phone call, and that is by advance notice. Cosmo had an article in it last month about how to tell when a guy really likes you - he calls you for a date instead of texting. (There's a letter there, too, about sex on a first date - you can't change that now, but you can change it for the future.) Go online at Cosmo and read the archives and stuff there; I think you might find some useful stuff.
Mahatma Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Cosmo had an article in it last month about how to tell when a guy really likes you - he calls you for a date instead of texting. (There's a letter there, too, about sex on a first date - you can't change that now, but you can change it for the future.) Go online at Cosmo and read the archives and stuff there; I think you might find some useful stuff. ...and some crap. I've read Cosmo with my girl a few times and about half of the articles are not true. The other half are pretty golden. Cosmo tends to make generalizations too much and forgets that not all guys are the same.
Author Cora Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys! I'm not changing my plans for him. I like him a lot and do want to see him again. If he truly likes me as well then he should understand and be willing to see me in two weeks or whenever we are both available. If he does not understand this then I can pretty much figure out that maybe he was only after one thing and that's not what I want. I thought I made it clear to him in the beginning that I wasn't just looking to meet up for sex and he said he understood this and that's not what he is about either. I know that when I slept with him on the first date I probably gave him a whole bunch of mixed signals and just the wrong idea about me all the way around. That was a one time mistake and I want to make sure he knows this. I would love to be in a relationship again someday, but for now with him I just want to take it slow and casually date like we have been doing. Just see where things could go. I do know that he has just gotten out of a relationship a few months back and is just looking to meet and date new people right now....nothing serious which is fine. That is all I'm looking for right now as well. Now I just have to make it perfectly clear to him that I'm about casually dating not casual sex or whatever you want to call it. Anyway, I'm just going to see what happens. He said he would talk to me more today about scheduling another date so we will see. Thanks again for all the advice and Louise...I'll def check out Cosmo! Sounds like I could find some helpful advice there.
missmich Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 It sounds like the start of the relationship went kinda fast and now he wants to slow down a little. That could be the reason he doesn't call as often and all that. Guys get a little scared when we girls ask them how they feel or of they miss us and stuff. Meet him when you have time and when you want to. maybe plan something that involves being outside so there is no chance for sex during the date and if he tries for sex later on and you're not wanting that then bring up the subject about not wanting to have sex again so soon or whatever you're wanting.
Author Cora Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Okay I just caved. He contacted me earlier and we talked a bit. He told me he wanted to apologize to me for last night when we talked. He said he was sorry if he said anything offensive to me. He had been drinking. I told him not to worry about it because he honestly didn't say anything that offended me in any way that I could remember. He asked if we could go to an afternoon movie tomorrow. Since I wouldn't be able to see him again for a good two weeks because I'm going out of town on vacation I agreed. I know I just ate my words about not changing my plans. I really didn't have anything special planned for Sunday. I was just kind of pissed I guess that he asked me out on such late notice. What could an afternoon movie hurt right? Besides, he insisted that I choose the movie this time since he chose last time so I'm quite happy with my choice and I know I'll enjoy the movie at least even if the date doesn't go well. I do wonder why the sudden change in him again though? It's almost like he is hot and cold. I told him okay well I'll see you tomorrow then and he said no I'll talk to you some more tonight as well. Is it normal for guys to go hot and cold like this?
missmich Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Sometimes we all go hot and cold in relationships. I'd say it's normal. It sounds like he does like you and since he asked you to a movie of your choice it doesn't sound like just a sex thing. I don't do the whole "he needs to ask me for a date in advance thing". If I'm free when a man asks me out and it's to something I want to do or spend time with him then I say yes.
Lindarose84 Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 "Hot and cold" is really not normal. If a guy likes you, it'll be hot all the time. Hot and cold usually implies there are other women in the picture- he's hot with you when there is no one else that he fancies and he'll be cold when he's checking someone else out. I read your other thread about him and from the sound of conversation you guys had online (the one where he came on and you initiated after he wouldn't say anything to you), he seemed pretty cold. He immediately jumped to the "I'm busy because of work" routine. I know that routine all too well because it's the one I use when I'm not really interested in someone and/or I'm dating multiple people and I'm in the process of feeling them out. You shouldn't have to deal with hot and cold especially when it means he's messing with your emotions. As BCCA mentioned, it really shouldn't be this difficult in the beginning. It just shouldn't.... If a guy likes you, he's letting you know without you having to second guess things. I hope you enjoy your movie date with him- maybe he'll be a little more forthcoming with his feelings and where he sees things going and hopefully he won't disappear for a week and actually try to make time for you during his "crazy" work week. If you don't get these sort of "reassurances" from him soon (at least after a couple of more dates), I think you need to scrap this one.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Okay I just caved. He contacted me earlier and we talked a bit. He told me he wanted to apologize to me for last night when we talked. He said he was sorry if he said anything offensive to me. He had been drinking. I told him not to worry about it because he honestly didn't say anything that offended me in any way that I could remember. He asked if we could go to an afternoon movie tomorrow. Since I wouldn't be able to see him again for a good two weeks because I'm going out of town on vacation I agreed. I know I just ate my words about not changing my plans. I really didn't have anything special planned for Sunday. I was just kind of pissed I guess that he asked me out on such late notice. What could an afternoon movie hurt right? Besides, he insisted that I choose the movie this time since he chose last time so I'm quite happy with my choice and I know I'll enjoy the movie at least even if the date doesn't go well. I do wonder why the sudden change in him again though? It's almost like he is hot and cold. I told him okay well I'll see you tomorrow then and he said no I'll talk to you some more tonight as well. Is it normal for guys to go hot and cold like this? i've been through hot and cold like that, and I must say it's never a good sign. If a guy sees you online and doesn't talk to you then chances are he's avoiding you. If he's contacting you to ask you for a date before the day then he's looking for someone to fill his time. Cora, you should be careful. I don't think you're prepared if this guy is only out to play with your emotions.
Author Cora Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 I don't know guys. Maybe he isn't really that into me. I was just so hoping he was that I didn't even pay attention to all the little details. I don't know if I should even go to the movie with him tomorrow now. I don't know anything anymore. It shouldn't be this hard right? I just got attached to him too quickly like I always do to every guy. Jeeze when am I going to wake up? I just haven't found a guy who is really into me yet and until then I just need to wake up! Thanks for the comments.
loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 He very well might be into you but just on a different page than you are. Can you go to the movie tomorrow with a clear head and without having gotten ahead of things? You've already decided you've screwed this up "like always." So why not decide how you would feel good about conducting yourself and try that tomorrow. Don't worry so much about the outcome. It's the journey. Really, it is.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Mistake #2: After our 2 dates which seemed to go well for the most part he seemed to of backed away a little. I went into panic mode and started contacting him...trying to feel him out etc.. Hey Lovelife....see what I mean??? He might not have even really backed away, but she THOUGHT he did, which started her panicking. Just the impression.
loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Hey Lovelife....see what I mean??? He might not have even really backed away, but she THOUGHT he did, which started her panicking. Just the impression. Yes, I see what you mean. I think that game's been played on me. It's quite effective, for a little while. Then I get annoyed, stop panicking and find something else to do. But if played right I can see how it works, yes.
Author Cora Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Oh well apparently we aren't going to the movie now. He had been drinking all last night and today he is all hungover and not feeling well. I think it's pretty irresponsible on his part after making plans to go out today to drink like crazy the night before knowing the consequences. His beer was obviously more of a priority than going out today. I wouldn't be so pissed about it except this is the second time he has made plans and then cancelled on me because of drinking. I just don't think this guy is for me. Oh well I guess it's better to find that out now rather than later. I need someone who is reliable! Sigh....
JeezLouise Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 NOW will you just accept that this guy isn't that into you, and that this particular encounter with a person is best to end just because there is no future to it, and that it has nothing to do with you or your fault or anything you did wrong but is just the way it is? I know you liked him, but you didn't even know him. You met him and it didn't work out - he is not the right one for you. Time to just take this guy off your contact list and pay no attention to him, even if he contacts you.
loveslife Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Yeah, sadly I agree with JeezLouise. This guy is a loser. Not worth your time. It is important to remember that you did nothing wrong. I promise you that you did nothing wrong. Well, other than undervalue yourself. Time to fix that!
Lindarose84 Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Sorry to hear that Cora! As the others have mentioned, I think you need to forget this chump. The real man for you would've told his friends "hey guys, I have a date with this pretty amazing girl tomorrow and I don't want to be hung over for it, so it's best I don't do that last shot" or at least something to that effect. My guy friends have done that a lot- they gush about "this new hot chick" they're going on a date with. But as you noted, he chose getting plastered over being there for you. NOT A GOOD SIGN. Please Cora, I know you like him and will probably cave again if he contacts you with some bogus apology and more lines, but don't. You need to go NC with him NOW- block him on your buddy list, de-friend him, delete/block his number on your phone, etc. He is not worth the hassle. I don't think you did anything wrong- all you did was show a guy you liked him- when did that become a crime? The right guy for you will love that and reciprocate it to the point that you won't be asking if you were in the wrong for expressing your like for someone (through words and physically).
Author Cora Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Yeah, I knew it all along that this guy wasn't worth my time and wasn't really interested in me. All the signs were there.....getting hot and cold on me constantly, using work and being busy as an excuse, cancelling our plans. I just didn't want to accept it. You all were right and I should of listened and been finished with him a long time ago. Ughh I'm stubborn sometimes...always making excuses. I just need to stop falling for guys so quickly. That is my biggest problem...always has been. Oh well thankfully my vacation starts soon. This time next week I should be lying on the beach. Sigh....it can't come quickly enough!
xpaperxcutx Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Yeah, I knew it all along that this guy wasn't worth my time and wasn't really interested in me. All the signs were there.....getting hot and cold on me constantly, using work and being busy as an excuse, cancelling our plans. I just didn't want to accept it. You all were right and I should of listened and been finished with him a long time ago. Ughh I'm stubborn sometimes...always making excuses. I just need to stop falling for guys so quickly. That is my biggest problem...always has been. Oh well thankfully my vacation starts soon. This time next week I should be lying on the beach. Sigh....it can't come quickly enough! Been there, done that. Trust me, you'll get over him after a week or two, if you don't force yourself to forget him. I think it's safe to say that if you never put yourself in a position such as this, you'll never learn to avoid guys like this in the future. I hope you have a great beach week. I need to get some sun myself as well.
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