How do I let go of the OW?

[White Flower]

You also learned how to get what you want out of him...and others too. Oftentimes we don't want to lay it on the line in fear of portraying the *itch yet you did what you had to do to get him to fess up. Now that you know, you can deal with it.

 

Not to defend him, but his lying to you was probably his way of saying he loved you--he just didn't want to hurt you because it is hard to live with someone you hurt. He was actually choosing you in those lying moments, however wrong he was to lie.

[americanflyer]

You cheat on your main squeeze and now you got the guilts about the OW. It sounds like your pride is hurt. And what did you really care about the OW? You had someone else and still started up with her. Someone was going to get hurt either way!!!!!! If you just looking for sex with someone different go hire a pro. You both know why you are there.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

In the future, americanflyer, it might behoove you to atleast read the opening post.

[Heather1]

I think White Flower is right....he told you the crucial truth & all the details will just hurt you more. When I told my H, I only told him one detail. I did it to save my marriage & to end it the A. I can't remember if you had kids or not, sorry - long, hot day & no memory. I've been reading a lot about how to end A's and save your M. #1 step is to tell your spouse. The way to REALLY end it is to call the OW. If you have kids, I think this is a must. Google Gary Nueman. He's been on a lot of shows lately explaining how A's start, and how to end them & salvage the M. Like I said, if the OM's BS called me - I'd give her more clues than a marriage counselor would to why it happened. She's (they've) made some HUGE marriage mistakes & hasn't even seen he's in crisis w/ his job too. Look at the big picture with both of you! Most of all, if he told you at all it's because he loves & picked you.

[OWoman]

And there's a part of me that still worries about the OW. Are there still feelings in there that could come back? There was always a chemistry between them.

 

Anis, I think the fact that it ended of its own accord before you discovered it, and that your H confessed it to you, is in your favour on that one. It ended, because it had no future, and at least one of them acknowledged that. Had it ended through discovery, or other force of circumstance, there might always be the temptation to try again, to give it another chance - but this way, a decision was taken in a sober mood to end it, and then by confessing to you later, to condemn it to the past. I don't think you need worry about that OW again - whether or not they continue to work together, your H has signalled both to her (in ending it) and to you (in telling you) that it's over.

[LaGazelle]

Yes, well the A ended without me, so they ran their course a while before I "knew" about it. I suspected, but over time stopped worrying about it and thought I was being paranoid like my H was telling me.

 

When my H first confessed to the A, he made it sound casual and brief. MOnths of conversations later I found out it was definitely more than that, and actually everything he downplays I assume is the opposite. Well, he swears the sex wasn't that good or frequent, and I choose to believe that just b/c the alternative hurts too much.

 

So now 16 months later we - I'VE come very far in coping and healing, but this girl never seems to leave my head for good. I'm over the big ego trips (still working on the little ones ) but I don't need to compare myself to her anymore. She is what she is. I've accepted it. So WHY am I here spending my mind on her instead of doing something more interesting with my time? Why does she preoccupy me, when out of the 3 people involved here she's the one that deserves the least of my attention???

 

Anis, I am terribly sorry you had this experience and are feeling this pain. I've been in a similar situation and I know it's anything but a joyride. I wish you a full and imminent recovery.

 

Many here have already given you some very useful thoughts, and I don't want to reinvent the wheel. However, I just want to highlight (the end of your post above) that you already have the makings of a solution, at the very least in your subconscious, and that can take you forward.

 

In my case, when I thought of the fact that my husband had given attention to the OW which he should have given to me, I decided there was no way I would also join in and give her my attention. So, I continued doing the interesting things I did before I found out and started doing other new interesting things with my time.

 

I know it's tough, when you may feel down and may be tempted to hide in bed under the covers, but one way forward might be to sign up for a new course, perhaps something physical - yoga, pilates or such the like. I would suggest you invest your time doing something interesting that will benefit you, and if it costs you a bit of money it might help, because you are more likely to push yourself to benefit from your investment.

 

Otherwise it would be like giving her not just your attention, but also your hard-earned cash. Neither of which she is entitled to. If you want to give anything to her, my view is, it should be your forgiveness and well wishes. However, first I would say, focus on yourself, your husband and perhaps others (orphans, troubled children, the elderly...) who are in need, and could use your help.

 

Best of luck with your recovery.

[Gamine]

LaGazelle speaks true words of wisdom.

 

When I see terribly sad or violent things on the television... whether it be a movie or a tragedy broadcasted on the news... I think. I wonder about the family. About the victim. I wonder how they will ever be able to process what has just happened. Or whether the anger and grief will consume their broken hearts.

 

I have thought about what I would do if such a tragedy were to happen to me, someone I love or even someone I know. Could I let it go? Could I ever accept that what happened could not be changed no matter how hard I wished?

 

When my husband had his affair I was probably the saddest I ever was in my whole life. Strange, isn't it? I didn't expect that his infidelity would ever hurt me as much as it did. But it did alright. I gave up on everything. For the first time in my life I truly knew what it meant to have a broken heart.

 

I am a fairly well known confectionery artist and pastry chef and I had calls upon calls to create cakes for special events and weddings but I couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me.

 

I was sad that my best friend, my husband, had used me.

 

He used me to carry out his fantasy with a playmate, while I sat at home like a good wife and friend waiting for him.

 

I was consumed with rage and it slowly ate away at me day by day. I didn't sleep, didn't eat, couldn't work. My heart was broken. I never looked more beautiful, but inside I was a void.

 

Then I decided to live my life, my way for me... the way I always used to be. The free spirit. I have accepted what had happened and knew I did not want to live a second hand life. So, I took myself back. My rage and hurt have dissipated and I feel alive again.

 

In the process of healing my broken heart I have discovered that I'm pretty okay. That makes me happy.

 

Letting go of the hurt when you feel victimized can seem like too great of a favor to ask when doing so on behalf of those who hurt you. Some will say... forgive. But when you are heart broken and are consigned to feel the pain daily it is sort of difficult to want to let someone off the hook. When I realized that my pain and anger kept me on the hook I let it go. I'll never really know what took place in her heart or life and strangely, it doesn't matter. I didn't know her before and honestly, I don't know her now. I do know that I do not have anger for her any longer and that I hope she finds whatever she is looking for. And, boy, does that feel so much better...

[Spark1111]

I was responding to this when I said I thought the OW was trying to respect her.

 

I do believe there is a 'handbook', especially at the beginning of the A. I did get a call from the W once, but did not get a voicemail and I never called back. She gave up.

 

At the time I probably would have lied to her because it was all new to me and I didn't want to lose a good thing. If she called me now I would give her the information she was looking for. If she tried hard enough to reach me, then she deserves to get her answers.

 

WhiteFlower, Thank you for your reflections on this. They ring true. I waited months after NC to call her. Perhaps I did suspect I'd be lied to as she was trying to preserve the affair, to win him back.

 

I waited to totally heal before I left three kind phone calls recently that went ignored. I am being beaten up pretty badly on another thread over my actions. Yes, she is the last hurdle to overcome, but I doubt I will ever hear from her.

 

Why do you think that is?

[White Flower]

 

WhiteFlower, Thank you for your reflections on this. They ring true. I waited months after NC to call her. Perhaps I did suspect I'd be lied to as she was trying to preserve the affair, to win him back.

 

I waited to totally heal before I left three kind phone calls recently that went ignored. I am being beaten up pretty badly on another thread over my actions. Yes, she is the last hurdle to overcome, but I doubt I will ever hear from her.

 

Why do you think that is?

Why is it that she won't return your calls? I have no idea. Let's think...

 

 

My first thought is maybe she is back in the A with your H. Sorry, I don't want to say it but otherwise I can't think why she would ignore you, unless her phone number has changed. If she is back with him, she does NOT want to lose a good thing AGAIN so might just keep quiet.

 

My second thought is that maybe it is all too painful for her and talking about him is just too much right now. How long has it been since D-day? I'll look for your threads to get more back story. Perhaps you have healed but she may never get over it. People are different.

 

Another thought is shame. Maybe she just feels so guilty and has not even forgiven herself yet?

 

For me, it would be all about understanding the story from every persepctive. Mine, exMM's and hers. ExMM might never fully disclose every detail but I'm sure we women would. Both of us knowing him and fulling disclosing all details to each other might just be enough to learn and know how to proceed further.

 

Spark, keep trying with the exOW. Try to make it safe for her so she'll pick up the phone. Maybe you can try saying something like,

 

"Hi ______, it's MM's W. I need to know what happened in order to move on with my life and I want you to know that I have no judgment against you. I understand that you have feelings in all of this too. I just want to know the truth. Maybe we can help each other get it."

 

You might also add the time of day when you will be alone so she feels comfortable knowing your H is not around. She might have even been threatened by him if she says anything about the A to you.

 

Best of luck Spark.

[eyeswide]

Hi Anis,

i'm just here to say that, yup, i'm obsessed with the OW. I don't know if it's bc I knew her (or thought i did LOL!) or bc i know that my husband really truly (believes he) loves her or bc she's unfortunately a bit too easy to track and know things about, but i think about her more than any other person in the world lately.

 

i kind of make myself a little bit sick.

[White Flower]

Hi Anis,

i'm just here to say that, yup, i'm obsessed with the OW. I don't know if it's bc I knew her (or thought i did LOL!) or bc i know that my husband really truly (believes he) loves her or bc she's unfortunately a bit too easy to track and know things about, but i think about her more than any other person in the world lately.

 

i kind of make myself a little bit sick.

That was a turning point for me. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying, I'm better than this. And I got over it.

 

So much so that when H and I were invited to her B-day party at my mother in laws I took her a gift and chatted her up all night. It felt so good to be over it and to stop thinking about her.

[schewter]

I actually obsess over the OM my wife had an emotional involvement with last spring and summer. What it is for me mostly is the want to find out if he even cares what was going on on our end...the kids, the disconnection in our family etc. I have a difficult time getting my head around people who pursue their own needs in a state of total oblivion to the negative impact they have on the lives they rub up against. I actually did have a brief conversation with OM...wife thought it would be good for us and was right beside me when I called. Despite her sense that he would be reasonable on the phone, even conciliatory I predicted he would be all alpha and go highschool...and he did not disappoint. You see, at home he was living an "it was all her" lie so it wouldn't be good for him to be on the phone saying to me "yea, I'm an *******" or "I'm awful sorry for my behavior" etc. with his wife listening in. At least my wife got to see him for the belligerent ******* he is. She also learned the liar he was since he was playing the role of divorced but staying in the basement for the sake of the kids...total BS I had the pleasure of disclosing the day I spoke to HIS wife. The sense I got from talking to him (if ya wanna call our pissing match on the phone "talking") is a person who takes zero responsibility for the BS he creates in life and a feeling that he thinks I'm the jerk for blowing the whistle to his wife.

[Dexter Morgan]

Sorry you're still dealing with this. I think that one thing that the OW board does is to humanize the OW in the BS's eyes

 

funny way of showing it when the OW over there will say over and over that they don't care about the BS and owe them nothing.

 

very rarely do I see a post, and I commend any OW/OM for it, where they realize they were doing someone wrong and felt remorse over it.

 

but most of the time its all about them, and to hell with the BS and the kids.

 

 

 

I think it does get better with time. And YES it makes sense that the only one who owed you anything was your husband, but if a friend or neighbor or stranger for that matter ever interferes in my life in a detrimental way purposefully, then they deserve my wrath, IMO.

 

well, i disagree that the OW/OM doesn't owe the BS anything. At the very least they owe them some level of decency in the form of at least feeling remorse for the pain they are causing.

 

 

Truth is, if you are working on your marriage, you will be happier once you let her go.

 

I agree. The OW needs to be viewed just as insignificant as the OW viewed the BW.

 

Like with my xW's man, who I had a face to face with. I told him I was glad that she was his problem now and he did me a huge favor. When anyone IRL asks me if I get mad whenever I see him out and about, I say absolutely not. I actually feel sorry for him and what he got.

 

So again, I agree, she needs to let her go and realize she is nobody worthy of a thought.

[Dexter Morgan]

I e-mailed her when I found out and asked how she felt about what went on between them. She never responded.

 

Of course she didn't. They have the guts to screw your spouse behind your back, but rarely the guts to reply to a message, no matter how civil that message might be. Gutless toids:lmao:

 

 

I would still take the chance to sit down with her, now that I'm farther away from it and feel like I wouldn't start screaming names, but then I know I'm bound to hear things I didn't know, and at this point in our recovering will rehashing a bad situation do any good? Either way bad is bad, do I need more details? Not really. I need to move on.

 

right, you need to move on, and contacting her or even wasting grey matter on her will get in the way of that.

[HeidiB125]

Anis, for what it's worth you are not alone. I still have terrible days of obsessing about her. To the point where I hope it's not detrimental to the recovery of my marriage. I'm a year and a half after Dday and can still get so worked up that I feel as if I just found out. It hurts me to this day that she never reponded to my email and at least attempted to apologize for the part she played. I asked my husband why she never wrote back or apologized and he said that he wasn't sure but that she probably though HE would handle everything. What a gutless specimen of a woman. Anyway...I do have good days though, where I am able to not obsess, though it's never far away from my thoughts, and I can see a future where she will become less and less apart of my daily life.

 

I just had a situation with my husband about a suspicious email that he quickly explained. I got a bit worked up about it and just wrote my husband an email about how at times my rational mind wars against my emotions. And sometimes my emotions win.