HookedOnHim2 Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Things pop up in my mind and I love this site. It affords me the chance to throw some things out there thats been on my mind and gives me a chance to hear what others think. This is very theraputic for me and it keeps me from sitting around crying and thinking and possibly trying to talk to someone about my situation who might not be listening in my interest. You guys all have gone through similar to what I'm going through and I appreciate your comments greatly. This is just a very depressing time for me so please bear with me when you see my many posts that will be coming. ****************************** What do you do when your spouse falls in love with another? How can you tell if your spouse is in love with another? How can you tell if your spouse is going through withdrawal over the breakup of another? How can you tell if your spouse is through with the other person?
hopesndreams Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 What do you do when your spouse falls in love with another? When they finally admit to it and tell you they are in love with that person, the despair is profound and when the shock subsides a bit you try to reason, beg, plead with them not to be in love with someone else. The right thing to do would be to say to them....fine, go to em and get outta my face. Doesn't work that way though! How can you tell if your spouse is in love with another? They are no longer attentive to you and your needs. They are preoccupied, distant and sometimes cold toward you.
angie2443 Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 They are no longer attentive to you and your needs. They are preoccupied, distant and sometimes cold toward you. While I don't think this always means that they are in love with the OW/OM, I do think these are signs that feelings are developing and they most likely will turn into love.
Owl Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I'll take the next two questions then: How can you tell if your spouse is going through withdrawal over the breakup of another?- You'll see them go through all the same symptoms of someone who is overcoming a drug addiction...or the death of a loved one. Deep dark depression. Tears, anger, apathy, loss of appetite, lethargy, lack of interest/focus on family/friends/job/life. Complete emotional withdrawl from friends/family. This will usually last at least a month, often many months, depending on the duration and strength of the affair. How can you tell if your spouse is through with the other person?- You'll know this because you'll see them go through withdrawl FIRST. Once they have been in withdrawl for a while, you'll SLOWLY see them start to come out of it. They'll start eating a little, start peeking their head up from their tears, start interacting slightly more with the people around them. The life that was put on hold during withdrawl is slowly resumed. At the same time, you'll typically see some remorse/regret over their actions during the affair. As time goes on, you'll often see the "love" that they felt for their affair partner turn to anger...even hate, potentially. But if you see a SUDDEN end of the withdrawl...it's almost always a sure bet that the affair RESUMED, rather than the WS has "gotten past it".
carhill Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 What do you do when your spouse falls in love with another? IMO, confront him/her and resolve to work on your R/M in a positive way, together, or end it. How can you tell if your spouse is in love with another? In my case, it appeared my aura gave it away when we were together in person. My W and her BF both commented on it. Others here have more experience with underground circumstances. I haven't dealt with that for any extended period of time. How can you tell if your spouse is going through withdrawal over the breakup of another? For me, distraction and desire to talk about how I felt. Ours was a voluntary disconnection rather than a "breakup". I tended to talk about my feelings more, needing to process them and get them out. Apparently, I handle such things differently than many men. How can you tell if your spouse is through with the other person? One way is complete and voluntary non-contact. Cessation of active interest. Re-focus, in a natural way, on the R/M. Admitting feelings and accepting responsibility. Validating partner's feelings. Prioritization of your partner over others (including the EA). -Anecdotally, to put the above in context, my friendship with my longtime friend continues and my wife and I are processing a D, mainly due to the underlying issues in our M. Interestingly, I can now see how my friend and my wife have similar psychologies surrounding emotional intimacy and that I would have had just as an unhealthy outcome with her in a R/M as I did with my W even though my love made me believe otherwise. My unhealthy issue is I like "fixing" women who are incompatible emotionally. This EA has helped me to correct those perspectives within myself and the continuing friendship is a reminder of the work which remains. BTW, at least by my definition, anything which can honestly be called an EA must have a component of love to it, whether romantic love or platonic love. It's a connection, however inappropriate.
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