Thoughts of Remorse

[samprez]

Just a random letter I'd love to send to XMW about our A that I'm NOT sending but thought I'd share with my buds on this board. It's a helluva thing to be wearing my shoes. Thoughts are welcome.

 

 

I felt compelled to write you this letter after having visited Dr. Smith for the 15th time since December. I've been working very hard with him to come to grips with my decisioning as it was tied to our relationship and to try and put some understanding around what happened; and honestly, how I am going to cope with this for the rest of my life. Unfortunately for me and the way I'm wired, our affair has turned out to be a life altering event for me, one that I've having trouble compartmentalizing and putting away. I'm unable to dismiss the behavior and emotions that existed between us as merely a phase that was caused by some outside distraction in my life; but rather, I see it as a complete failure on my behalf to exercise good judgment as it relates to you, Scott and Jill. I now carry the burden of an extraordinary lapse in personal integrity that I can't escape and I'm haunted by the damage I've done to Scott and Jill.

 

I am remorseful beyond measure as I seek avenues to ease the burden I've caused. Jill continues to fight each day to come to some acceptable term whereby she can love me and understand that I will not betray her again, that I will not cause a loss of trust and that I won't inflict a wound so deep that she won't be able to recover. It's been quite some time since she learned about our relationship and we are still discussing aspects of what happened. We don't allow it to dominate our interactions, but there is rarely a moment that goes by when there isn't some reminder for her of you and the intrusion you created when we allowed our lives to become entangled. Frankly, I've done the same to Scott, so by no means am I pointing a finger at you or laying blame. I am fully aware of my ownership in this situation and I'm fighting to make this right in my mind. I fear that I will never find the proper balance that will allow me to admit anything beyond the simple fact that I cheated on my wife and that I caused harm to your family.

 

I guess the reality is that only you and I will ever really know and understand what happened between us. And our reward for our indiscretion is the weight associated with what occured is something we both have to carry around with us forever, without relief. Dr. Smith is outstanding. He's given me insight and direction when I was at my darkest moments back in December and has shed psychological explanations for many of the things that I've experienced in the past year. I'm grateful for him because he's given me the outlet and the sanctuary that I needed to help navigate this storm. Yet, the haunting sensation I feel is that there isn't a magic pill or button that anyone can administer or push that allows the guilt associated with our actions to simply disappear.

 

I'm cursed to have a very strong memory. The Doc often jokes that he's amazed at my recall ability as we delve into certain discussions we had or interactions. I remember things verbatim and that has caused all of the problem. I've been able to reconstruct text messages and discussions. I can look at a calendar and recall with extreme clarity where we were that day or what we said to one another. I am literally a victim of my own memory and I haven't yet been able to come full circle yet on what happened. But I'm also reminded on a daily basis when I look into the eyes of those kids that I have hurt my children and that I've lost something I can never regain, my integrity. I feel like I have a scarlette letter sewn to my chest and that I can't make it whole again.

 

Part of my problem is that I feel that same shame when I think of your family. I'm particularly disturbed by what I've done to hurt your husband. When we were going through our affair, we both used cognitive dissonance to justify our behavior. We extended things we were unhappy about to extremes to allow ourselves to do what we did. I want to make him understand that I had zero intent to alter his life, but I entered your world anyway without regard for his being. I was wrong.

 

As time has moved on, I just want to apologize to him. But I know I can't and I know I can't contact him in anyway. I'm not sure about you, but it's very difficult to know that I've been involved with another man's wife and that I've participated in the destruction of a relationship and the trust that goes with it. Do you ever think of Jill? I wonder.

 

Ultimately I can only manage and those things that are in front of me. I'm no longer intwined with you or your family, but in my mind, I own the damage I've done. I hope that one day I'm able to put this in its proper place and be 100% whole again. I also believe that while our active relationship is dead, we remain entangled forever because what we did was so hurtful to so many.

 

I don't have a great ending to this letter; however, I am going to endeavour to be a better husband and man and to address my concerns about my marriage to my wife and to be more direct and honest in all of my dealings. I am simply put, simply sorry for all of this.

[Reggie]

Glad you are not sending this , Samp. I think most of us have done things we deeply regret. Good luck. I hope your wife is doing okay. You may become a better person after all this.

[boldjack]

Sorry Samprez, In the old sea vernacular, you need to fish or cut bait. This self-pitying ramble maybe soothes YOUR mind, but has zero effect on those you harmed the most. I used to be a cheater and I know where your coming from. But all the pretend letters you can write, and all the professions of guilt mean nothing, until you face those you harmed and give them the opportunity to do their worst. I became free from my past by going to the husbands and Bf's,of the women I cheated with, and telling the truth to them and taking my lumps. I am a free, honest man, now . Some of the couples split up, some stayed together, but ALL knew the truth and could make decisions based on facts, and not hollow promises. Guilt and remorse are NOT punishments, but symptoms of dishonesty. To rid yourself of them, you must face the music.

[2sure]

Samprez -

 

Thanks for that letter. As a BS, I felt it may have verbalized very well the feelings of my H after his own D-Day. It felt right and solid to read the words and was a good reminder that ....

 

As much as he needed, and I needed him to feel regret and remorse over his infidelity...

 

There came a time in our recovery process when the regret and remorse had to change into a lesson learned. So he could forgive himself and we could move on.

 

Our marriage is happy and healthy.

 

You are on the right track.

 

This will for you , and your wife, become not a life long burden but one of life's huge lessons.

[samprez]

Sorry Samprez, In the old sea vernacular, you need to fish or cut bait. This self-pitying ramble maybe soothes YOUR mind, but has zero effect on those you harmed the most. I used to be a cheater and I know where your coming from. But all the pretend letters you can write, and all the professions of guilt mean nothing, until you face those you harmed and give them the opportunity to do their worst. I became free from my past by going to the husbands and Bf's,of the women I cheated with, and telling the truth to them and taking my lumps. I am a free, honest man, now . Some of the couples split up, some stayed together, but ALL knew the truth and could make decisions based on facts, and not hollow promises. Guilt and remorse are NOT punishments, but symptoms of dishonesty. To rid yourself of them, you must face the music.

 

Sorry..I see your tactic as extremely self serving and not accomplishing anything but bringing harm. I'm fine with the fact that both our spouses know, you should read my back story Bold. Your extracted your guilt by visiting the BF's and H's...good for you. My XMWs H knows. His choice is to follow his heart in his decision. My W knows too.

[boldjack]

Self-serving? In some ways yes, in some ways no. The abuse I took was not fun, but I didn't want to go into the future with no honor. As far as causing harm, I did that by having affairs with these women, not by being honest to their so's. Cheating is like cancer, you can't rid the body of it by wishing or promising, or by adding more cancer cells, in the form of continued lying. The only way to beat it is to remove it, the removal process is painful, yes, but those bodies(marriages) that are strong will survive. You have done all that you can do to atone for your infidelity, the cancer in your body is removed, the cancer in the MW's is now none of your concern. You and your wife now need to proceed into the future. Good luck to you.

[Dexter Morgan]

While the sentiment in the letter conveys true remorse, the very fact that you felt the need to send the letter to the XMW sort of negates that sentiment.

 

I think it is disrespectful to your wife for you to find any excuse to contact the OW again.

 

If I am wrong, show this letter to your wife.

 

If you can't show your wife this letter...well, then there is the answer.

 

I realize you didn't send the letter, but you are suppose to be working on your marriage...not writing letters to the OW.

[samprez]

While the sentiment in the letter conveys true remorse, the very fact that you felt the need to send the letter to the XMW sort of negates that sentiment.

 

I think it is disrespectful to your wife for you to find any excuse to contact the OW again.

 

If I am wrong, show this letter to your wife.

 

If you can't show your wife this letter...well, then there is the answer.

 

I realize you didn't send the letter, but you are suppose to be working on your marriage...not writing letters to the OW.

 

Dex - Thank you for responding. I'm glad you posted your thought on this the way you did. Frankly, this is all part of the process of working through the situation and getting back to the square root of being good with my wife.

 

I am not contacting OW, I'm using writing and therapy to excersize my mind to deal with the totality of the situation. It would have been very easy for me to have connected with her again either electronically or in person (business took me near her home last week), but I have not. Dealing with the very real emotions I attempted to convey in my "pretend letter" allows me to express myself and cope with my self inflicted wound.

 

Funny enough, I find this method I'm employing to be very helpful as I cope with the results of our affair.

 

The concept I see out here around NC meaning No Thinking About the person is just not reality. All of on either side of this type of mess are humans and thoughts will exist. Compartmentalizing isn't the most healthy way though these situations.

[tami-chan]

Dex - Thank you for responding. I'm glad you posted your thought on this the way you did. Frankly, this is all part of the process of working through the situation and getting back to the square root of being good with my wife.

 

I am not contacting OW, I'm using writing and therapy to excersize my mind to deal with the totality of the situation. It would have been very easy for me to have connected with her again either electronically or in person (business took me near her home last week), but I have not. Dealing with the very real emotions I attempted to convey in my "pretend letter" allows me to express myself and cope with my self inflicted wound.

 

Funny enough, I find this method I'm employing to be very helpful as I cope with the results of our affair.

 

The concept I see out here around NC meaning No Thinking About the person is just not reality. All of on either side of this type of mess are humans and thoughts will exist. Compartmentalizing isn't the most healthy way though these situations.

 

Hello Samprez!

 

Thank you for sharing that letter. It is insightful. I totally understand what you are saying above, that this notion of NC is equal to "do not even think about the OW at all", is very unrealistic. You and her happened, you and her shared something- so of course, you are going to have thoughts about her. What is good is that you think of her in a different way now-not some separate relationship (compartment) that had no bearing to your marriage. It is good that you have connected her to your wife's pain,to your pain and to the problems of your marriage. Best wishes!

[bentnotbroken]

Dex - Thank you for responding. I'm glad you posted your thought on this the way you did. Frankly, this is all part of the process of working through the situation and getting back to the square root of being good with my wife.

 

I am not contacting OW, I'm using writing and therapy to excersize my mind to deal with the totality of the situation. It would have been very easy for me to have connected with her again either electronically or in person (business took me near her home last week), but I have not. Dealing with the very real emotions I attempted to convey in my "pretend letter" allows me to express myself and cope with my self inflicted wound.

 

Funny enough, I find this method I'm employing to be very helpful as I cope with the results of our affair.

 

The concept I see out here around NC meaning No Thinking About the person is just not reality. All of on either side of this type of mess are humans and thoughts will exist. Compartmentalizing isn't the most healthy way though these situations.

 

 

Writing a journal was one of the methods that my counselor suggested that I use to deal with issues. It was very helpful, still is. I can look at the words and see the patterns that I have created in my life. Some of those patterns are very destructive, others limiting to my success, still others should be expanded and worked on more. I do see that you are aware of the pain that you have caused and recognize it won't fade in a matter of weeks. I honestly don't believe a person is capable of not thinking of the AP, but NC means you make a choice not to continue to feed into pain and anguish. It seems you and your wife are trying to heal and move forward. Best wishes to a healthy relationship.