on and off again!

[fairlady]

I was in a relationship with this guy for almost a year. He got out of a serious relationship more than 2 years back.Things were fine with us initially. He works in a high pressure job which does not leave him much time for me.We had a lot of fights about this and we broke up since I got frustrated as he was never there for me when I needed him.

We got back together few months later and spoke about working things out.He said he is looking out for a less stressful job so that he can spend time with me. He is someone who always stresses on 'wanting space in the relationship'-meaning he just goes off without speaking for days saying job pressure or something else.He is loving again when he comes back.I've told him this bothers me but nothing happened.He used to say that he could never fully open up to me since he was quite messed up after his previous relationship.

Last week we spent a good time together and at night he sat down to work again. I sat next to him wanting to enjoy his company since we were meeting after a long time. He said he wants to be alone but I still playfully kept teasing him. He got really angry and started yelling that I was choking him and that he can't get a few minutes of privacy in his own place.He refused to speak to me after this.

2 days later I went over to his place to talk things out and make peace.He was at work and he refused to meet me.I had got him a card n stuff but he was really adamant that he was upset with me and did not want to see me. I got really upset and went back home. He then met me online and said that if I don't know how to pacify someone after a fight I should not try.He had told me earlier that he doesn't like my impulsive behaviour but I went there only to make amends.

I messaged him a few times and then he was like he's done with everything!

He has not called me after this. I'm hurting that he did not have the courtesy to call me atleast and tell this.I haven't contacted him either. He gets angry if I try contacting him when he's upset.

Please tell me if this was my fault! He did say that he wants to be with me and get to know me better! What should I do now??

I'm trying to move on assuming this relationship is over!!

[TaraMaiden]

I think, in essence, it is probably very easy to sum this up in 2 words:

 

Walk. Away.

 

A relationship should not be this much hard work, especially coming from one side only.

The term commitment phobic does not seem to adequately describe his issue.

I think he has deep problems that may need addressing - but by a professionally equipped therapist.

You are not that person.

If you value your dignity (I am using that word frequently these days!) I really would simply comply with his mood, and terminate this.

The chances are when he realises he is not being pursued, he will attempt to contact you to find out why and seek a new excuse to make you feel the guilty one.

This is both controlling and manipulative. (It is though, only a guess... of course you know, I might be completely mistaken!) In any case, I really think your efforts would be better rewarded by someone who can freely reciprocate your feelings.

You should not have to "beg" for attention.....

[webmuse]

if I don't know how to pacify someone after a fight I should not try

 

wow, that's a new one..

[Ronni_W]

fairlady,

To be honest, I felt "choked" (smothered, suffocated) just reading your post!

 

There does not seem to have been any consideration for HIS needs for space versus your expectation for him to consistently and persistently meet YOUR need for him to make himself available whenever YOU wanted it...and it sounds like you wanted it ALL THE TIME.

 

He has OTHER goals, obligations and desires besides you, and it does not seem that you even thought to allow him to pursue those.

He has a DIFFERENT way of handling his stresses and challenges than you do, and it does not seem that you even thought to allow him to do what he needed to do for himself...according to HIS OWN preferences and coping style.

 

Clinginess and neediness fall under the 'insecurity issue' umbrella, which is low self-worth & esteem. It sounds pretty entrenched, so an individual therapist may be the fastest route for you to get a handle on it, and be able to partner in mutually rewarding, supportive, respectful and uplifting relationships.

 

With luck and your hard work, the guy will stick around long enough to witness and benefit from your transformation.

[Trialbyfire]

He works in a high pressure job which does not leave him much time for me.We had a lot of fights about this and we broke up since I got frustrated as he was never there for me when I needed him.

This is a given. Why were you fighting over his time, when you knew he had a high stress job?

He is someone who always stresses on 'wanting space in the relationship'-meaning he just goes off without speaking for days saying job pressure or something else.

This is his problem. The silent treatment is not acceptable within a relationship.

He said he wants to be alone but I still playfully kept teasing him. He got really angry and started yelling that I was choking him and that he can't get a few minutes of privacy in his own place.He refused to speak to me after this.

I don't blame him at all in this. Why would you crowd someone who's trying to work?

2 days later I went over to his place to talk things out and make peace.He was at work and he refused to meet me.I had got him a card n stuff but he was really adamant that he was upset with me and did not want to see me. I got really upset and went back home.

So you crowded him some more, then got upset about it?

He then met me online and said that if I don't know how to pacify someone after a fight I should not try.

This is his issue. You're not responsible for pacifying him. You're responsible for apologizing to him for crowding him.

He had told me earlier that he doesn't like my impulsive behaviour but I went there only to make amends.

Incompatible.

I messaged him a few times and then he was like he's done with everything!

So you crowd him a few more times.

He has not called me after this. I'm hurting that he did not have the courtesy to call me atleast and tell this.I haven't contacted him either. He gets angry if I try contacting him when he's upset.

I'm not surprised he's angry, if you continue to crowd him like that, through your entire relationship.

Please tell me if this was my fault! He did say that he wants to be with me and get to know me better! What should I do now??

I'm trying to move on assuming this relationship is over!!

I've broken it down to "fault", since you've asked. The two of you have incompatible needs but moreso, your style. When someone asks for space, give it to them. Don't force yourself at someone, over and over again! By the same token, he's also someone who doesn't handle conflict well but then, it appears that no matter what he says, you don't listen.

[fairlady]

Am not justifyng my behaviour here.I've tried to be as accomodating as possible. There were times we wouldn't meet for weeks since he was under so much pressure. I never cribbed about it. When we met after so long, I didn't want to spend a moment away from him.