I just really hate him today - I want him to just go away.

[now_what]

You would think all the surprises would be over with but guess not. Yesterday my ex emailed me about an issue concerning money - basically our tax refund. I won't get into all the details but he emailed me and took a very mean and nasty tone I had never heard from him before which really threw me off guard.

 

I eventually was able to get him to back off the defensive, but his comments really made me feel numb and kind of sick at work. It felt like the day after he told me he could not say that he loved me anymore 9 months ago which I still remember like yesterday.

 

He called me later in the day when he had calmed down and agreed to take the check I had for him. Our daughter had a regular band concert last night and he was planning to go, so he asked if I would just give the check to her. While we were talking I asked him if he had got married - and he said he had. I then asked him if he was planning to tell the kids and he said eventually - he has never even mentioned this woman to the kids.

 

For those who haven't heard my whole sad story, I will condense it. After 30 years of marriage, my ex sent me an email while I was at work and snuck out of the house to live with an old biker chick he had known for 2 months and didn't speak to me for 4 1/2 months. Our dissolution was final March 30 and he took out a marriage license 14 days later then married her the next week and went to the Bahamas.

 

Anyhow, I was late getting home from work and could not give the check to my daughter, so I called him and told him to just meet me in the lobby of the school and I would give him the check. I handed him the check and he handed me some papers I was expecting, then he took off and went into the auditorium. The meeting took all of 30 seconds and it looked like he didn't want to stand with me in the hall a second longer than necessary. That really hurt - like he couldn't wait to get away from me.

 

My mom and dad were waiting in the auditorium for me and my mom had come out a few minutes earlier to see if I was coming. She did not expect to see my ex there - she hadn't seen him since last September, the week before he left me. He saw her and hung his head - and my mother said she felt like she did something wrong by going into the hall. I said no, she did nothing wrong, he was probably ashamed - as he should be. I told this to my sister and she said that he was not worthy to look at our mother. She said our mother had treated him better than his own mother and how does she get repaid - by having her daughter disrespected by him.

 

I thought things would get easier for me, but for some reason they are getting harder. I still feel numb today, like I have no energy to move. We were civil to each other yesterday once we settled our little dispute about the tax refund - but I was shocked to hear such mean comments out of his mouth. And then to see that he didn't want to spend an extra second with me last night - I felt rejection all over again. I know we are divorced and he has remarried, but he could treat me as least as good as he would treat an acquaintance, let alone someone you lived with for 30 years.

 

I just feel such hate and contempt for him today. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be happy and forget, but it just plain hurts.

 

I am going to counseling, but any advice for moving forward a little faster would be appreciated. I hope I'm not posting too much on here and I do try to give advice to others when I can - but this just has me at a loss.

[Ronni_W]

Hey, Now. Post as much as you want and need...that's exactly why God invented LoveShack!

I'm sorry you had a rough day. The only "advice" that is coming into my head is: Expect the unexpected in the worst possible way...and you will not be under-prepared in the future.

 

Which sounds all pessimistic and "negative" but isn't really intended that way.

Separation/divorce is just weird, is all. You'll be doing great for months, even years...then you'll be in an elevator and the stupid Muzak version of some song you don't even like will set you off. It just is weird, like that.

 

Another interpretation of why he couldn't stay in your company too long is that HE was feeling guilty, ashamed, small and "not worthy". That is, do try to keep in mind that his actions are about HIM, and not you. Stuff like this is your information ABOUT HIM. I know it's tough not to personalize it but, when you do that, you only end up dealing crushing blows to your own self-esteem. Know what I mean?

 

In any event. It DOES get better, in an overall way. And some days are gonna suck more than others. And then it gets better again.

 

Sending hugs and healing.

[now_what]

You are probably right, his actions are probably about him. I am going to try to focus on myself and just not give a sh** about what he is doing or how he is acting. Just do what you are supposed to do financially and keep in contact with the children - that's all I ask.

 

I thought about selling his wedding ring, although if just selling for the gold the jeweler only wanted to give me $50. I really don't want it anymore. When he left me he put the ring, his debit card, and his cell phone in an envelope and left it on the stove, like he was checking out of a hotel. The ring is not actually his wedding ring, it is an upgrade I gave him about 3 years ago. He had not worn it for a few months because he had lost weight and it was too big, well he gained the weight back and I tried to get him to put it back on again, but he was hesitant. Now, I see why, he was seeing "her".

 

I questioned him about the ring, asked if he was trying to present himself as a single man. He said no, he was not trying to present himself anyway at all. That's for sure.

[Ronni_W]

I wouldn't want HIS ring around, either -- best I can think of is to ask any of the kids if they want it. The boy first (if you have a son.) If there are no takers, exchange the ring for that $50 and go and get yourself a manicure/pedicure or something else that is totally delicious and frivolous.

 

It's not "probably" that his actions are about him -- it is "100%, absolutely, definitely". Same as OUR actions are about us...even our most noble and seemingly "selfless" acts. The Self is actively involved in every one of them.

 

I know you already know this: He is legally obligated to uphold his financial obligations to you. He is NOT legally obligated to maintain contact with his kids, no matter their ages. It would be "nice" but you run the risk of frustrating and disappointing YOURSELF if you set it up (in your mind) as an expectation.

 

I know you know all of that so I guess I am asking/suggesting you to NOT sabotage yourself by setting unrealistic expectations for him -- his recent behaviour, you really don't know WHAT he might or might not do in future. But, whatever he chooses to do and not do, it is within your own power to not let HIM ruin your peace...don't give him that power over you! Because he does not deserve to have it. IMO.

[now_what]

I had thought of asking my son (23) if he wanted the ring - I just hate to take $50 for it, because I paid $500 (gold and diamonds) - that was sure stupid. But it means nothing to me now and obviously meant nothing to my ex if he gave it back to me. I have a couple of diamond rings that I will give to my daughters at some point or I might have them remade into a new piece of jewelry.

 

My ex has been pretty good about keeping in contact with the kids except for the recent going on vacation (honeymoon) and keeping it hush, hush. Truthfully, he has paid more attention to my younger daughter and my son than when he was at home - my son is away at college and he has maintained phone contact and driven to see him at school. He comes to my younger daughter's school events and picks her up to do something about once a month - which with her busy schedule is probably about the best he can do - so he is trying - she had thought before that her dad didn't even like her because he was always doing his own thing.

 

I don't think he would lose contact with the kids. His parents divorced when he was 14 (his dad was having an affair with a woman and even had a child with her and his mom filed for divorce). His dad pretty much disappeared from his life and this hurt him terribly, so I really don't think he would repeat this pattern.

 

He doesn't have quite as much contact with our older daughter (26) who is married with two children (6 and 6 mos.) They have had some conflicts in the past - my daughter and her 6 year old daughter lived with us until January of last year when she got married. My granddaughter is autistic and can be quite a handful and sometimes he was downright mean to her, which we argued about. He didn't like the idea that they were living with us, but I refused to kick them out. Our daughter was going to college and working part-time, so I didn't see why we should not help her by letting her live at home. We received plenty of help from my mother in the child care area - taking care of the kids so I could work from when my older daughter was an infant (1983) up until my younger daughter was in 6th grade (2005), and until just recently when my daughter got her driver's license my mom or dad would pick her up after band practice - so that's 26 years of either babysitting (1-3 kids) and/or transporting them where they needed to be - FOR FREE. So, I didn't think it was out of line to help our daughter by letting her live at home.

 

Anyway, it's his loss - missing out on the grandchildren. My granddaughter is spending the night tonight and we have a great time together - she's a real sweetheart - she still has her moments - but I just love her to pieces. My 77 year old mother is still helping with the kids - but now it's the great-grandchildren. She takes my granddaughter to school in the morning, so my daughter doesn't have to go out with the baby and picks her up after school and takes her over to her house to play. My mom and dad just dote on her so much, it's amazing. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that my family has always been so giving, it just made my ex look more selfish because he didn't want to help my daughter and granddaughter out.

 

Sorry, to digress so much. I'm feeling so much better since the other day. I've been doing things around the house, getting organized so I can think straight and accomplish something ( which I haven't done for awhile).