ConfusedJW Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I'm new here so I know I won't have all the abbreviations, but here's my story in a nutshell. I'm 35, my wife is 34, and we have two boys, 4 and 2. We've been together almost ten years and married for just over five now. My wife came to me in October and said she wanted out of our marriage - that she didn't love me anymore and was "done." We wrestled with this decision for a couple weeks, saw a MC twice (who was not compatible for us and/or not very good), and then we each went to IC for about two months. In late December or early January, she told me that she had met another guy and that she wanted to date him. I refused to give her "permission" to do this, and I thought that it went away - she told me near the end of January that she hadn't talked to him "in a while." I assumed that she didn't talk to him at all. The months in between there were an up and down roller coaster with some highs and some lows, but I honestly thought we were making progress - we had started to make long-term plans together again and talked as if we were going to stay married and even began fooling around again after having a several month hiatus from serious physical intimacy. I found out this past weekend that she was talking to him once every one or two weeks on the phone, and texting him, though I don't know how often that was happening. She admitted that she flirted with him, and told me that he was the first guy that had "noticed" her in a long time. BUT, she said that nothing had happened between them and that he was recently divorced himself and was trying to persuade her to stay in our marriage. I want to believe her, but I just can't be sure - she might be hiding something not necessarily just to hide it but in her mind she might think she's protecting me by not telling me about the one time they hooked up... Yesterday, after reading about EAs and some posts here, I decided to put my foot down and tell her that she needed to stop talking to him or texting him. She was a little surprised, but agreed. Today, I called him and told him the same thing. He also agreed, and apologized, saying that he was only trying to help by explaining how awful his divorce was and was trying to persuade my wife to stay with me. Over the past week, once the EA came out into the open, my wife has once again retreated to her position that she wants out of the marriage. When I told her tonight that I had talked to the OM, she was surprised, but reiterated that not talking to him wouldn't change anything, that it wouldn't "fix us," and that she still wanted a divorce. I told her if she wanted to leave, she could leave, but she won't leave the kids behind, and I'm sure as hell not going to let her take my boys away. She said she'd be willing to go to MC again now, but only if the goal was to work on an amicable separation. She's been a stay-at-home mom with our kids for 4 years, and doesn't work outside the home. She has made no effort to find a job over the last 7 months since she first said she wanted out. Am I kidding myself to think that we can still save this marriage? I'd be interested in hearing from people who have similar stories, especially if you have made things work out. I think we have a long future together, and am willing to be patient (even though by nature I am not a very patient person). I think that once the EA fog clears, she'll realize that she wasn't "trying" very hard to work on our marriage if she was still flirting with the OM over the past 7 months, and I'm hopeful that she'll realize that there is a chance for us to recapture what we had when we first met if we're both willing to work for it. I'm also curious about people's opinions about "exposing" this EA - as EA's go, my wife's appears fairly innocent, and I don't want to be in a position where her friends and family think less of her (or me) because she had a recently-divorced guy as her source of support while we were going through a rough patch. I told a friend of mine about it, but haven't talked to any of her friends or family. Anyway, if you read this far, thanks, and I look forward to your comments.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 She doesn't work. If she gets a lawyer, your screwed. She gets the kids, the child support, the alimoney, and you have no rights. Talk to your own lawyer NOW! I'm sure you will be told the same thing.
Author ConfusedJW Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Sorry, I should've mentioned that I'm a lawyer. I'm not a family lawyer, but I know a thing or two about what to expect if things go south. I'll be fine. In the two hours since I wrote the OP, she came downstairs and wanted to talk and was much more conciliatory. It's heartening that taking advice from here (and other sources) about confronting her and shutting off the EA actually show her strength and seemed to helped things
mark982 Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 don't be so sure. cheating people,especially women are very good at covering their tracks.since she's a stay at home mom,i'd start by canceling her cell phone to stop the texting.
sugarmomma Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Besides the EA and the fact that she says that she is not in love, did she give any other reasons why she wants out? I wanted to leave my husband because he was neglectful and put other people before our marriage. Some of my basic needs for affection and attention were not being met. Maybe there are some other needs that she had that were not being met that you could work on. I know you can't make someone love you but you can try to be more mindful of what it is that she feels is missing. Do you help around the house with the kids? I am by no means blaming you and she should be held responsible for her behavior. Maybe you guys can get away and take a trip. I am just trying to throw some things out since you guys have been together a long time and have small children.
cyabye Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Divorce. God bless you and your kids. You do not need this kind of woman in your life. cyabye
SRV Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Once a woman says "Its over", it is OVER, you better believe it. Talking to the OM does more harm than good. He does not care about you, you'd best spend that energy getting your ducks in a row. And in your wife's eyes, it makes you look weak and unattractive. Women love strength and not weakness from a man. You need to give her what she wants, LET HER GO. The only discussion that you need to be having with her at this point is in regards to the kids and nothing else. Seperate the bank accounts, give her money only for the kids and the bare necessities. Talk to a lawyer ASAP to protect yourself and your kids, because the road ahead will be a bumpy one. Good luck!
GorillaTheater Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 And only a foolish lawyer has himself for a client. At least when the stakes are high.
Author ConfusedJW Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Thanks for the thoughts. I should've realized that posting in the "separation and divorce" community would elicit a lot of negative responses, and I kind of regret posting here in the first place. We had a great conversation last night shortly after I posted this message. I think I take her too literally sometimes when I'm upset - she had some great ideas about things we can do to continue to work on our marriage. I don't know if it's going to work out - but with the EA out of the way, I am more hopeful. Not every person who has an EA is a liar and a cheat. I know - I had my own EAs in years past that remained platonic even though they diverted my emotional energy from my marriage.
GorillaTheater Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Thanks for the thoughts. I should've realized that posting in the "separation and divorce" community would elicit a lot of negative responses, and I kind of regret posting here in the first place. We had a great conversation last night shortly after I posted this message. I think I take her too literally sometimes when I'm upset - she had some great ideas about things we can do to continue to work on our marriage. I don't know if it's going to work out - but with the EA out of the way, I am more hopeful. Not every person who has an EA is a liar and a cheat. I know - I had my own EAs in years past that remained platonic even though they diverted my emotional energy from my marriage. All we can go by is the stuff that's been admitted into evidence: 1) She's told you at least twice, both some time ago and recently, that she wants out of the marriage. 2) She'll only agree to MC insofar as it leads to an amicable separation. And even though the first two points speak adequately for themselves: 3) The guy she had the EA with (although I'm not convinced the EA is over) is the same guy that she wanted to "date" 4-5 months ago. If I had to guess, the EA has already turned into a PA. Maybe folks around here can be a little too pessimistic at times. That's certainly possible. But it seems to me that in this case they're simply being realistic. And I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Saxis Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Thanks for the thoughts. I should've realized that posting in the "separation and divorce" community would elicit a lot of negative responses, and I kind of regret posting here in the first place. We had a great conversation last night shortly after I posted this message. I think I take her too literally sometimes when I'm upset - she had some great ideas about things we can do to continue to work on our marriage. I don't know if it's going to work out - but with the EA out of the way, I am more hopeful. Not every person who has an EA is a liar and a cheat. I know - I had my own EAs in years past that remained platonic even though they diverted my emotional energy from my marriage. I'm skeptical about that sort of conversation... Are you sure it was a "we" in there, or was she making it sound more like "you"? In this situation, women are very much like dogs: puppy-face you into submission. I've heard about everything to get themselves off the hook and make it seem all honky-dory. Then you're in the prime "unprepared" place for a backstabbing when she retracts everything she said... Sounds like she's still on the fence, but not quite prepared to leave the comfortable nest you've made for her - she's scared. I'd go ahead and at bare minimum file a separation yourself if she already hasn't. Get the ball rolling. She's playing games with your emotions and she'll continue to do so for as long as you let her.
SRV Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 We would all wish for a happy ending not just for you but for all that post. Most of the people that respond to your thread have lived through or have read enough of the same thread that having a similar beginning to yours and pretty muuch most of them have the same ending. The variable is the time it takes to unravel. So when they post, its not being negative or pessismistic but just to make you aware of what lies ahead so that you can be better prepared. To a certain extent, if you browse throughly through the forum, search for threads similar to yours, it becomes pretty much textbook. Sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation and I hope it works out for you. Good luck and we are rooting for you!
webmuse Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 the sad thing is, confused, you'll leave this forum because your situation is "different".. honestly, I hope you never have to visit this thread again, well at least to get advice anyways, but I have a heavy feeling we'll see you here again soon.. I agree, reality sucks.
Author ConfusedJW Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Thanks, webmuse. I guess my point is that as SRV said most of the people responding lived through what I'm going through and it ended their marriages. I was looking for and hoping to hear from people who have lived through difficulty where it has not ended their marriages. As I'm sure everyone is aware, you can pretty much find anything you want on the internet - if you want an echo chamber to support what you're thinking. The echo chamber here is mostly of people who have been hurt and divorced. That's fine, but I realize now it's not what I'm looking for right now. I am not all roses and peaches - I know that divorce is a real possibility, but right now, when my wife told me last night that she is ready to "restart our marriage" and she is not having a PA, I'm a little more optimistic than the average poster here. As I said, if I could delete this post, I would. I appreciate the insight and I know the intentions are good, but, well, it just sounds like a lot of bitterness and not the support I was looking for when I posted.
GorillaTheater Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I wish you the best of luck, JW. And if it doesn't drag you down being here (not being sarcastic, I understand what you're saying), please keep us updated on your situation. If nothing else, this place needs more happy endings to read about it. And if things don't go well, I hope you won't be reluctant to share that as well. I think you'll be surprised at the level of support here, regardless of where your path takes you.
Loxx Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Hey JW, I am usually in line with the negative outlook when it comes to these matters. Statically reconciliation falls short. However seems your wife is willing to work on it so you defiantly have a chance. You need to be her emotional sherlock holms. Think hard about subtle cues you wife has given you over the years and start acting on them now. Become her friend again before trying to get intimate rekindle that connection. Ask her on dates, be creative and thoughtful with them. Ring the Doorbell and pick her up at the front door of your house, sweep her off her feet. Look at her like like you did when you first met. The EA is nothing, Its her inner emotions that you are battling with. Its the feeling that stirred inside her when this man made her feel desirable. You are going to have to step it up and bring it like you have never done before. Good Luck man, You have done it once you can do it again.
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